War Within Me

This is my story of the daily war I have with myself. I have bipolar PTSD anxiety depression and fibromyalgia . There are many stories like mine but this is my war.

[crazyangel313]

[crazyangel313]

[crazyangel313]

[crazyangel313]

FUCK! I cant fucking sleep its 5am and haven't slept sense 12pm. I'm angry. Its that uncontrollable rage that you don't know what to do with. Today the battle is anger. To fight for control over that anger and one of my kids and my husband are not helping me with my fight. I feels like they're working against me today. They're working with the enemy. The problem is my kids dont understand what they're doing and my husband... he doesn't understand that the choices he made 3 days ago is now working for the enemy. Its not their fault. They dont know the rules of the war im fighting and to be honest I really don't know either. In real war... in real battle isn't there rules of some kind?

[crazyangel313]

Crying is okay

[crazyangel313]

Yesterday was better. I thought I could regroup and start the battle again today but it seems my enemies have other plans. They have decided well i’m down from the stress of the battle to attack me physically. I now have a cold sore on my lip the size of a penny and i’m shaking uncontrollably. My husband kept me by his side all weekend but he couldn’t do that today because of work and his work isn’t save for me or the kids. i’ve slept in the living room from about 9am until 230pm but i cant stay down forever. I have to rise again if i’m ever going to win a day a week or a month. I have to keep fighting not for myself but for my kids and my husband. i’m needed. Which means i need to pull through this.

i’m not going to lie these riots and the covid-19 are disrupting my life. I’m sorry for the man because of that one fucking dick twat of a cop that lost his life and the many who lost theirs from the virus but theres no need to destroy things and make everyone else life hell. I can hardly do human contact of any kind. I go shopping at night. if you guys didn’t know there are people out at 5pm and 8pm. I shop at 3am Monday/Tuesday night/morning.

[crazyangel313]

Today I have given up. I have lost today's battle. I slept from 6 am to 2pm. My kids see somethings wrong I know they do. I hate myself because I can't protect them from this hell I'm in. They are in a battle, a war, that they don't know is going on. My husband knows he's in this fight and he knows I've lost the battle today. I see the concern and the sadness in his eyes knowing he can't fight the battle for me. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I don't what to die. I know this is one fight one battle but it hurts to be awake and moving, to be conscious.