mixedfeelings

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Photo © Living Medical 

“Mixed feelings make you not certain how you feel about someone or something. [...] The worst kind of mixed feelings one can experience is with someone who they have strong affection for, but that person behaves contrarily towards the other person's desires, wants, needs, thoughts, etc.”  –  unknown

This blog deals with mixed feeling everyone has experiences once in life. It is trying to show how keeping the balance in various situations is essential for our happiness and relationships to others. 

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Photo Creative Common

How do you feel if a person from your circle of friends or family is being inappropriate or even racist?

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Laissez-Faire

“Disgusting parasites. Gross and dirty!” I am now learning English half my life, and yet sometimes I find it hard to understand where the difference between seriousness and fun lies. And exactly this was the situation when I heard J. say those sentences. In the first moment, I thought I misunderstood him because the other ten people sitting around the bonfire did not seem to react at all. So I turned back to grill my marshmallows. But then I heard him saying those words again: “Disgusting, dirty gypsies!” Now I was sure. He meant what he said.

I didn't know what shocked me more. J. being this racist or all the others who kept staring silently at the blazing bonfire. It seemed to me that it was exactly this silence that would motivate him to continue with his hate speech as if it would give him the legitimization for his behaviour. 

I couldn't stand it. 

I was going to tell him my opinion, even yell at him! 

But all I could get out was: “How can you say something like this!” Was my voice trembling? I am not quite sure. All I know is that I couldn’t say anything reasonable because I was tumbling over all the thoughts in my head that I somehow couldn’t sort that moment. I remember J. replying to me: “You go live with gypsies. Then you'll see!” But before I could answer that, some of the others joined our argument. I was so busy with grasping for the right words that I only heard phrases like: “That is not a conversation for such a nice place at the beach.” One of my roommates tried his best to somehow moderate the whole situation. First, he started to talk into J., to convince him to stop saying cruel things like that. But it seemed that J. would get even angrier because of that. So for my roommate, there was nothing else to do than to change the subject entirely.

Even though I really appreciate all of his efforts, I somehow got even angrier that we did not discuss things out. I was angry with myself for staying too silent as well, for being mad and grumpy instead of addressing what bothered me. I was angry to promote this political avoidance and this kind of laissez-faire racism I just learned about in my sociology class, a concept that implies rather subtle form of negative generalization and stereotyping. What is the point of all these definitions, of reading all of these articles and studies about racism, discrimination and injustice if I learn nothing from it for my own life? 

To calm my own consciousness, I was thinking of writing a letter to J. Probably, J. would mock me or even get insulted if he would read my emotional lines. But that’s okay. I mean, of course, I don’t want him to get offended. I just want him to get my point. To have a real dialogue with me. I don’t want us to talk past each other. Because what I find even more dangerous than racist, fascist or whatsoever minds is: They will always be there. 

The most important thing is to keep them in the minority by voting politicians who take care of social problems and issues. What I really find dangerous is something different: When we stop talking to each other, even avoiding each other because of our different political, ideological or even religious beliefs. Such behaviours lead to an unstable society without any societal cohesion. But still. I am not sure if this is the right way to handle things. I have mixed feelings. 

All I know is that, if I want things to get changed, I really need to start. Now.

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A documentary about the Civil War in former Yugoslavia

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What do you expect from a relationship with a culturally different partner?

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In every religion there is love. Yet, love has no religion.

Rumi

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Love against all odds?

I was dating this boy for six years. I always thought our relationship was more than just a romantic liaison. For me it had a symbolic value, too. We were two teenagers showing that with love the world can be a better place.  Just like in a lovely movie. 

So how did everything begin?

To answer this question, we have to go back 26 years ago. To a place somewhere in lovely Eastern Europe: Its name is Zagreb. 

1992, when I was born, the whole country, unfortunately, was in war with its own citizens. A civil war started with Croatians, Bosnians, Serbs, Slovenians and other ethnic and religious minorities fighting against each other. “Wars between brothers” as some historians like to call it. My parents- who are ethnically considered as Serbs (whatever this is supposed to be) - grew up their entire life in Croatia but were chased out of the country as they were no “pure catholic Croatians” which was a common but sad procedure executed within the war and against all sides of the conflict.

When my dad was recruited for war, he was forced to pick a side. But what side do you choose if both are wrong? He could have either fought as a Croatian against his Serbian family or as a Serb against his Croatian friends. Luckily, my dad didn’t choose any party and fled to Germany where my mom, my brother and I had the chance to start all over and live in peace.

So far so good.

Within the next 17 years, I always had a very harmonic relationship with my parents. We barely fought, and if so, the most serious arguments were about who again left the toothpaste capless. However, our close relationship was put on a test when I met my boyfriend. He was Croatian, ergo he was the former enemy.

Even though my parents were never really political, me being with a Croatian somehow evoked some old war memories in them. Especially my mum had some mixed feelings about him and his family accepting me because we have a different religion. As I like to be very clear and direct from the beginning of any kind of relationship, I confronted my boyfriend with these issues. I remember the very first months of our relationship we were only discussing and talking about how our families feel about our relationship until we finally decided that it doesn’t make sense to pay attention to what others are thinking. We managed to ignore all of the bad words and pressure from our families for more than five years until at one point my parents changed their strategy and became more relaxed with the whole situation. They even invited him to our house. After five years of fighting against their prejudices, I felt so proud that I could finally convince them to meet him. For me it was clear: There is now almost nothing staying in the way of our relationship. 

But then everything came differently.

My boyfriend didn’t accept the invitation. He was afraid that if he came to my parents’ place, his parents would kick him out of their house. He even started imitating their arguments by telling me that it’s now him, who couldn’t handle the situation of having two religions anymore. So now it was not only our families, but also himself having mixed feelings. 

And that’s basically it. We broke up. No happy ending. No happily ever after. 

So what do we learn from this story? 

Well, it turned out, I was the one romanticizing the whole concept a bit too much. I guess, life is not a movie after all. And love always comes with mixed feelings ...

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Photo © UBC

Are symbols enough to not repeat historical mistakes?

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Indigenous Music

Ingenuous musicians convey the heart of their culture through their stories and sounds. For Indigenous communities in Canada, music is an essential part of daily life and the backbone of spiritual, cultural and kinship beliefs. But just like Canada’s rich and varied landscapes and its complex linguistic tapestry, with around 60 distinct Indigenous languages spoken, Indigenous music is also incredibly diverse. Click on the video and dive into the sounds of pan flutes and drums. https://indigenoustourism.ca/en/indigenous-music-musicians/

Music as well as other form of arts can be an engaging way to explore our shared history and to work towards a future of togetherness between Indigenous People and all Canadians. It encourages to consider what Reconciliation exactly means and to reflect hopes for a future that includes everyone, regardless of race, culture or religion.

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More than just symbols

Brown and green, white and red. Often meters high with different animal motifs. Some of them can be found at the UBC campus or in Stanley Park. I am talking about totem poles. Created by Northwest Coast Indigenous peoples to serve as a signboard, genealogical record or memorials, the tall curved structures are an essential part of Vancouver’s landscape.

The other day I was walking with a fellow student over the UBC campus, and we passed by the Reconciliation Pole, a very massive and beautiful piece of art that represents the history of indigenous people in Canada before, during, and after the Residential School Era. It was a very sunny, almost cloudless day. The sky was so blue that the colours of the pole were standing out so brightly.

My friend and I were so amazed by this scenery that we even stopped for a moment to take a moment and look closely at the vast carved wood. We just stood there, very calm and engrossed in thought.

Out of a sudden, my fellow student asked me: “I know that this pole is called the “Reconciliation Pole”. But, what does “Reconciliation” exactly mean?”.  

I have to admit that I was a bit surprised about this kind of question. Especially if you consider the fact that such totem poles are supposed to have an awareness -raising effect. I guess my fellow student’s question made it pretty clear that it not only the students on the UBC campus but everyone else should be encouraged to learn more about the history of Residential Schools and to understand their own responsibility in reconciliation between indigenous and non-indigenous Canadians. Such Reconciliation Poles should remind us permanently of the past, so that we do not forget, repeat or trivialize mistakes. As a central relic of Indian culture, the pole for me also shows respect and efforts to promote dialogue between nations. So has the system failed when my fellow student asked that question? 

Maybe. 

But what got me, even more, thinking because was when I thought about my fellow student’s question in the context of the unceded, ancestral and traditional territory: Having a pole on the land of even unceded, made the whole situation gives you mixed feelings. The whole situation becomes even slightly cynical: Such poles are by far not sufficient to show the dimensions of colonization and assimilation that have been enforced on indigenous peoples. Almost an entire ethnic nation has been assimilated and culturally extinguished. (Canadian) History has been written at the expense of their culture as well as personal lives. Especially when you consider how many indigenous people are underrepresented in other areas of society, one wonders if such symbols are really that: just symbols. And are such poles not rather being instrumentalized by “us Whites” as the descendants of (former) colonialists in order to calm our conscience and anxieties about our own past? Should these poles not remind us that we haven't done enough with regard to Reconciliation?

At the very least, everyone should start asking those questions him- or herself more often.