Silent Minds and Empty Hearts

Just for me

[sosuperawesome]

Johanna Puhl on Instagram

[expressions-of-nature]

Herbert Lake, Canada by SIMONZPHOTOGRAPHY

[sosuperawesome]

Johanna Puhl on Instagram

[crisisatmidnight]

I’m afraid I’ve lost many connections this year, it’s not that I lost a friendship but I lost a friend. My best friend has a new best friend. She already had so many but I’m no longer her main. She doesn’t go to me for help she doesn’t text me when she has news she doesn’t send me memes she doesn’t text me period. I know she’s busy living life but I’m no longer apart of that life. She doesn’t see me. And constantly tells me we won’t become closer friends and that her friends are superior to me and that I’m not enough. And sometimes I tell her I miss her and try to initiate what we used to have but it’s like static mixed with confusion and silent back and forth. I miss what we used to have and I miss her. But I won’t force anything especially when I have nothing to say. I hope I havent lost forever and that we can grow together. Maybe I’ve just been stuck while she grow big and mighty. This top half makes her sound terrible, she’s not she’s just protective of her heart and I guess I’m undeserving of breaking that barrier. I hope the people she does have will alway have her back and love her because I’m here for her but she’s not here. I’ll always cheer her on and I hope that even though she doesn’t express it to me she’s secretly cheering loudly as she can for me. Please dont ever let me lose her, not completely at least, not in person, and not as a friend. Please don’t let me lose our memories or our past and definitely don’t take away our futures together. I hope we grow together. I hope I can be included in her present and her future and I hope she’s included in mine.

[crisisatmidnight]

No offense but passing all my classes and getting my associates this year would really suck.

[crisisatmidnight]

I will pass my Calc class with a B or higher

[crisisatmidnight]

I really need to stop using filters sometimes bc it’s starting to change my view on how I look negatively. I know what it does to my face but sometimes I catch a photo of myself at a bad angle or with dark circles or slouching and I look absolutely horrid. But that’s real life and ya sometimes my face just looks like a circle. It’s natural, this sounds like such a dumb problem to have. I just don’t like my face that much which is also dumb bc like we preach having confidence and also who cares who thinks you’re ugly or beautiful right? It only matters what you think. Because if even a hundred people tell you, you are beautiful. If you don’t believe it, it won’t be true to you because you’ll think they are lying or just being nice.

[crisisatmidnight]

You ever feel really insecure, and then you try to figure it out or ask your friends questions. And they get mad that you are afraid to lose them bc they are really just busy. I can’t tell if that’s on me for having the insecurity or them for not understanding that it’s like me being anxious not because I think they are mad or something. Maybe people leave bc I am too much? Maybe I just shouldn’t exist.

[illusionedlyrics]

level of concern // twenty one pilots

[crisisatmidnight]

I really want to give up like life has on me.

[crisisatmidnight]

I will succeed! I will get the classes I need in order to move forward. I will move forward. I am moving forward. I am doing well. I am positive. I am working hard. I am motivated. I manifest positivity and good beliefs. I believe I will be okay. I will graduate. I will pass. I will be okay.

[crisisatmidnight]

My moms perspective is very skewed. She thinks I do absolutely nothing for her and in general. You see I don’t have a job. So she makes me feel indebted to her but als she won’t let me get a job. I drive her everywhere against my will. I’m sleeping, I gotta go to class, I want to hangout with my friends..... it doesn’t matter what my mom wants first comes first. She literally was trying to bolster about how much she cares about me bc she bought a box of Thai tea for me like bro you realize while you were tryint to say you are best mom ever you told me to stop doing my hw so I could make a drink for you and you wanted it in the stupidest way possible. And then you made me throw it away after I squeezed freaking kumquats for you. You have absolutely no perspective.

[crisisatmidnight]

You know my mom once said to me she would never embarrass me in public bc she’s not that parent. She consistently embarrasses me every single day. I’m in class and she knows she leaves comes back and yells open your window. Leaves. Comes back yells again slams the window six times opens it grunts looks at crap in my room leaves the door open. I swear she doesn’t give a crap about me. She even yelled at me on the phone while I was talking and telling people I’m lazy. Thanks mom. Thank you a lot bc you totally never embarrassed me in public just in class and to my best friend. Thank you very much.

[crisisatmidnight]

I’m so tired. That’s it. Thanks for coming to my ted talk. You guys don’t need the details. It’s fine. Yup.....

[crisisatmidnight]

He’s got one day left.

[crisisatmidnight]

I feel like my best friend doesn’t want me anymore.

[crisisatmidnight]

You would think now that there’s a quarantine, he would have time to text me back or even think of me. Instead he’s hasn’t texted me back in more than two weeks. I wish my heart would stop hurting. The last day I felt happy was the last day he called me and I didn’t even pick up the phone. I didn’t even respond back to him because I was so sad, so upset with him, so lost with words. And now I’ve never wanted to talk to him more but no matter what he says to me now it won’t be the same. I won’t allow him to just enter my life like he used to bc I honestly don’t know what I’d do if he left again. Guess that promise he made me is invalid now. No more cute summer days with my oop. I’ll sulk in my music and my passion and move on one day slowly.