°•Caleb Emhoff-Goldsworth•°

when life gives you trauma, you write songs about it, duh 🙄

[crispycruncygoldenbrown]

Life just has a way of figuring itself out.

I started this month feeling pretty anxious about school and other pressing matters that honestly just made me feel miserable, which is how I feel most often, but things changed. There is no external bad energy projecting itself onto me anymore, I've let go of all harmful connections and everything that made me feel bad was just a problem of perspective. I thank my friend Allison for that, she taught me that sometimes you just need to slow down and breathe, no matter how corny it may sound coming from either of us.

I've had my doubts, but I'm certain now. I love my career, I adore what I do and I want to keep doing it 'till Im old and about to die. I love my friends, they are the pillars on which I stand on, they've made every single decision worth it and I hope that our bonds will become stronger over time. I found a new family in them and I know I can count on them for whatever I need, I just hope they know they count on me as well.

Life may be shitty some times, but if you believe things won't get better, they probably won't. You have to fake it 'till you make it, you gotta believe things will get better because not having something to look forward to will just make things seem worse. Believe everything will be fine so that everything can be fine.

Toodles y'all~

[crispycruncygoldenbrown]

So, it's 5 A.M and I can't fall asleep, don't feel like it and I'm not tired at all, thought I would write something to give my time meaning.

There was this one man who I used to talk to, I say used to because I just blocked him in every platform and I'm never seeing him again in person. He toyed with me for a while and I just got tired of it and blocked all contact that we could have, because I really don't want to see him anymore, but it's weird to not have him around.

As a friend, he was an absolute joy of a person which over time made me attracted to him romantically, but as a romantic interest, he really sucked ass at it and things just ended plain bad between us, to the point at which I even started to hate him for all the things he did to me, but I feel like a bad person for admitting that. At one hand, what he did was messed up, regardless of if he meant to do it or not, that's not an excuse at all that he can hide under and expect me to just be okay with it, because it's not, but in the other hand there is this lingering feeling of uncertainty.

Am I really starting to hate him because he is a bad person, or do I just not cope well with rejection? Is that all there is to it? Am I being too dramatic over something that maybe is not a big deal after all? Am I a bad person for wishing him a bad ending when in reality he hasn't done anything wrong? I'm not sure of what to think about the situation.

I know that he fucked up, but I also know that as humans, it's really hard to identify our mistakes and own up to them. And in every argument there is not gonna be someone who can 100% just take all the fault, there will always be a reason why the other party fucked up. So what did I do wrong? I know that there is a big chance that I fucked up but I don't know how, so does that make me an even bigger, worse person for not being able to realize that?

I just don't know what to think anymore.

I don't.

[crispycruncygoldenbrown]

Why pay money so a stranger can talk to me if a Tumblr post is free?

I have been feeling sick to my stomach lately these days because I feel too much, but at the same time, I don't think I can feel nothing at all anymore . My days are just a repetitive cycle of staring into the void until my eyelids turn heavy and I finally give up on trying to do something with my life. I don't know if anyone else can relate.

Ever since I turned into an adult I've found that the answers that life were supposed to give me just turned to more questions, and naturally that confuses me even further but also makes me feel angry, sad, disappointed, disgusted even, and it's all such a familiar feeling that I've gotten to be acquainted with that I just can't care anymore if I'm feeling like shit. I've gotten used to feeling like shit, that now it feels like nothing and naturally I wonder how it would be if I just felt things normally again, but the thought of it scares me and IT'S JUST ALL SO CONFUSING.

My mind just likes to make me think that I'm like the terminator or something, a stone cold killing machine with no feeling whatsoever, because in reality I feel everything way too deeply and too extremely and my brain tricking itself to think otherwise is just a self defense mechanism at this point. I feel too much that it hurts, so I try to feel nothing to fight it.

At least I'm self aware, I guess.

I've been writing some songs lately about some stuff that has happened to me and they've helped me take out my frustrations about it, so that's cool I guess.

Maybe I'll even post some lyrics here, and if someone ever wants to collaborate and turn it into an actual song, I'm down for it.

It's a cruel world out there, everyone, but remember that it shouldn't be that way. You shouldn't have to settle for something you know that you don't deserve. Maybe if we all do that, we could all make the world a better place. I really hope so.

I love you all, fellow humans.

Caleb, out.