Crit Happens

[crithappensdnd]

Guildmaster Granny Spitnittle

A heinously old goblin, she is a nice little combination of perplexing, sweet and dangerous. She loves everyone in the guild, but she also has a vicious dark little sense of humor. Just as quick to make a batch of cookies as she is to incinerate her enemies with glee.

[crithappensdnd]

“What I do is not lying, I simply... embellish the truth and guide fickle memories and willing ears to a more inspiring conclusion of your valor. I am a most helpful as you live. And if you die. You shall live forever in the hearts of peasants with my song and time immemorial with my tale."

She named herself Calliope. After the muse of Epic poetry. Her real name? Doesn't matter. Such is the belief of this Teifling bard. History is written by the victor and she knows a well loved song of heroes can lift them as high as kings or to the lowest dregs of society.

Teiflings, in her backwards hometown have been written as evil, creatures of ill intent. So she spent her childhood isolated in an orphanage from the other children who feared who demonic visage. She was nothing, ignored and alone. So she ran away and struck out on her own, adopted a psuedonym and with her gift of gab earned coin in her pocket and got noticed enough to be invited to the College of Lore.

Back in the world she is desperate to make her name last forever. So she will find herself a group of well meaning warriors and boost them in battle with her bard abilities. While in the tavern she will weave stories to epic proportions, to all who would listen to her tale. She will be known as the greatest bard of all time and never again shall she fall into loneliness and obscurity.

But be careful not to cross her, history is written by the victors. And she intends to win.

[crithappensdnd]

WEEKEND DND

My Kenku Cleric. He had no birth name to speak of, but since he has become a Cleric has been given the noble name of “Healme”

Kenku’s are perfect for GM’s to prevent metagaming. Unable to speak without phrases they have heard before, they make it easy for your character to be there, but not be so helpful to outshine the main players. They are great fun to role play as well. 

In order to communicate that he wants to get into a city, he imitates the sound of big wooden doors creaking. When he is proud of a teammates kill, he imitates the sound of a hundred person crowd cheering. When asked why he wants into the city, that is quarantined, he imitates the sound of crying children and distraught parents. 

and when my male Kenku wants to evoke spells. He imitates the soft, feminine voice of his mentor praying. 

I drew visual inspiration from this wonderful tumblr user. https://medli20.tumblr.com/post/163416039058/ruffle-a-socially-awkward-kenku-ranger?epik=0AelNE_IWH8Vy

[crithappensdnd]

Hairy dogs

Bern our warrior wakes up from his drunken stupor.

Merchant: here have some hair of the dog.

Bern: rolls poorly, continues to vomit after drinking it.

Tink: mister your dog hair potion doesn't work very well.

[crithappensdnd]

Sat game: Betrayal

The team went in search of Black Bart's Treasure, with the help of a map given to them by a mysterious charismatic stranger. But it was a double cross. He lures people to his pet mimic to murder them and steal their magic items. After taking him down, they find a key that belongs to the adorable 11 year shopkeepers store, Dolly's world.

Grokk: So Pegs... What do you know about Dolly's dad?...

DM making shit up on the fly: Humphrey? He is a tall, quie/

Everyone: HUMPHREY!!!

DM: *just remembered she has been calling the traitor Humphrey, not Huxley... * (shit..)

Grokk: will killed Dolly's father!

Waxi: oh man, you tell her

Grokk: why me?

Waxi: she likes you best

Grokk: that's true, I am going to have to adopt her.

DM: furiously thinking of how to smooth this over. Didn't.

[crithappensdnd]

puns and pubs

The team tries to pacify a hill giant so they can pass. But instead he elects to scream angrily and throw a barrel at us.

Tink: Looks like someone is making a mountain out of a hill giant

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Grim sells his beer wherever he goes. And the Pub is now selling his microbrew

Tink: give me one of those tiny beers

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Bern: I was passed out for an entire day, I shall take it easy on the drink. Barkeep, could you bring me a water downed Mead?

Tink: couldnt you just drink less of it?

Bern:..........

Enora: that's the first time I have seen you speechless

Tink: here, try my tiny beer.

[crithappensdnd]

Sat game: From Russia with Love

our half-orc ranger decided to change his accent to Russian in the third session

Sorcha: omg the bard fucked him Russian

[crithappensdnd]

Sad Sacks

Mushrooms grow overnight in front of the tavern and must be cleared. But upon inhaling the spores, the group becomes overcome with incredible sadness of their worst regrets.

Bern: I let them die, I will never regain my honor

Tink (who has not experienced any hardships): Snakes have no arms! There are dogs in the world who have never been hugged

Diana: the gargoyle doesn’t like me!

Nicholai: incomprehensible babbling

[crithappensdnd]

Tink, kinks and high jinks

The group has traveled a full day in cold, pounding rain. They come across an inn they need to take refuge in, or risk exposure. But it has been bought out for a private party and no one can enter. 

After unsuccessfully trying to infiltrate the party, talks of releasing their horses out of spite or murdering them (Tink “NO!”). Three magic users combine their magical ability to successful convince them demons are attacking them. And the group go in to claim their prize.

Tavern Owner: I have two rooms available. One that belonged to that group that just left and another. 

Tink: Wait... Why did they pay to have the entire building rented, but  were using only one room for five people....Were they having an orgy?

Enora: SWINGERS!

Bern: Aw Tink. You’re learning

Tink: I know about sex stuff

Tavern Owner: Who wants which room?

Tink: I will take anywhere but the sex room

Enora: I’ll take the Sex room. Grim, want to share?

Diana the druid gets drunk and decides now is the time to try to hug the guard gargoyle and proceeds to have her spleen forcibly removed. 

Bern: Tell the group Diana needs help. 

Tink runs inside and comes face to nipples, to Grim’s nipple clamped formed.

Tink: Diana needs he.... *Transfixed by nipple clamps and tugs them off* WHY?!?!

[chronic85doodler]

Learning to keep my mouth shut

A minotaur falls prone on top of the gnome rogue Tink

Bern: I prepare to drive my greatsword through his head

Player of tink OOC: Hey careful now, what if you kill him and I get covered in minotaur shit. laughs

DM: 

[crithappensdnd]

SATURDAY GAME: Spite

Robert, the kidnapped and cursed with bad luck husband of Hangar is finally found by our troop and is being very slow cooked in a large cauldron over a fire by a team of Kobolds. The team make relatively short work of the kobolds and one of the last is facing off against our half orc ranger

Kobold one picks a flaming log from the fire and flings it at Groks head (misses). but it wiffs past you and sets fire to the most intact tapestry in this temple.

Grok: That asshole, stop destrying this temple and stop cooking Robert. I am gonna attack for *rolls* 3 DAMAGE

The kobold is still standing after your attack, but he senses that his end is near.

Kobold one prepares his dagger to attack...(has wicked idea) looks the ranger dead in the eye and stabs the bound Robert in the clavicle

GROK: OH NO HE DIDN’T! NO ONE TOUCH THIS ONE GUYS, HE IS MINE!

[crithappensdnd]

SATURDAY GAME: Inclusivity

Hangar the blacksmith begs our heroes to help him find his husband in the Fey Wilds. 

Hangar: Please I will give you all the money I have.

Grok (played by my gay friend): Hangar, I will find your husband for free, since I too enjoy the company of men.

DM: out of character. Since this is your first game. being gay or a woman warrior, or anything like that is not considered anything unusual in this world. written right in the PHB.

Grok: Oh. Actually on second thought I want the money.

DM: I mean he is a very nice man and this is his true love

Grok: nope, money

[crithappensdnd]

Saturday Game: True loves Diss

As you enter the forest you hear cries for help. 

Frog: Hello? Oh thank goodness, noble warriors. I pray you help me. I am a cursed princess, forced to be in this vile form. 

Waxi: I think we got to kiss her. *turns to only straight male character*. You’re up man.

Jebediah the Monk: Alright.

Frog: Please kiss me and break the spell and my father King Dunnuth will reward you handsomely.

Sorcha: Does it have to be a man?

Frog: Oh.. I don’t think so. We could give it a try. 

*Kisses the Grung*

DM: You are now poisoned. Roll disadvantage on all attack and ability checks

TABLE: WHAT?!?!?

Frog: Hah I can’t believe you fell for that! There isn’t even a King Dunnuth you stupid Asses!

[crithappensdnd]

Saturday Game: Intimidation

Waxi the The Tabaxi successfully finishes off a prone kobold on the ground

Waxi: Can I try to intimidate? I want to take the bloody rapier and drag it across my tongue all crazy looking

DM: Yeah sure, roll 

CRIT FAIL

TABLE DIES

You drag the blade across your tongue accidentally cutting yourself. But despite your error on licking your sword. One Kobold named terrence Flees because that is the craziest shit he has ever seen and he is not about that life.

[chronic85doodler]

SATURDAY GAME: Centipedes

the troop is heading through the Fey Wilds to find the cursed with bad luck Husband of the town blacksmith. They are ambushed by a giant centipede who wants to eat them.

Centipede: time to die travelers…

Grok: before that happens, have you seen a gay tavern owner come through here?

Centipede: I….How do I know he’s gay?

[crithappensdnd]

Psychic damage

The team is traveling in a caravan with the enemy cultists and other random merchants on the way to Waterdeep. They are incognito in order to gain reconnaissance against the enemy

Nicholai: I want to cast detect thoughts on the head of the caravan.

DM: Your mind is bombarded with sexual images of a green woman and the man engaging in multiple sex positions and fetishes each more disgusting than the last. Hot Carl, golden showers the works

"Take psychic damage”

Nicholai: I proceed to relay this info to my team in excruciating detail to make them feel my pain

Tink:... What’s a Hot Carl?

Grim the Monk: Ancient proverb. Every exit is an entrance to a new experience. 

[crithappensdnd]

0 diplomacy

helpless villagers are trapped in a church with cultists patrolling around. Our brave troop takes out a group of kobolds and cultists, before lifting the gnome to enter the church through a small window.

Villager: Oh no its one of the invaders

Tink: No no, I am here to help!

Villager: we don’t believe you deceiver!

Tink: Bern! Throw me the kobold I killed! I need to convince them I am a friend

BERN RIPS THE HEAD OFF THE KOBOLD AND TOSSES IT THROUGH THE WINDOW.

DM: roll for persuasion

ROLLS 4

TINK: Holding up sopping and bloody kobold head. This. I did this!!!!