if he'd married a less willful woman, tommy might have tried to intercept her at the door, to share his reasonings but instead he watches her leave, the slamming door sending a brief violent scented wind through the room. this is the eye of the storm, and if he were another man he might have stayed in it. savoured it. maybe attempted to prepare himself for the unknown of the text that will soon be wielded against him as a bludgeon or a rapier, which ? he can't be certain, and once again, he regrets not reading those letters in the preceding months as he eases through the door, allowing rowena a significant headway as he walks in the direction of his office.
the letters are enclosed in plain envelopes, wax sealed without emblem to show if they had been tampered with, and all bearing a faint layer of dust from being left in the drawer so long. there are four of them, each simply bearing a name in emilie's neat script at the center. one addressed to tommy, which has long since been opened, and three that remain sealed, addressed to rowena, arthur, and hailie respectively.
already a break from tradition in its loss of the preface ' dearest, ' a long standing tradition in every letter that emilie has written her for the past decade on the occasion she's had cause to write one.
if you are reading this letter, is the result of one of three things. in the best scenario, i am here with you, as you read this. i give context to what you read, i answer your questions, and you hardly need this letter at all. your troubles are over, and you know that i love you. i will always love you, and if i am extraordinarily lucky, you forgive me for what i was willing to do as an act of desperation.
assuming that you are continuing to read, that means there are only two possibilities beyond the above. in neither of them do i retain the right to call you dearest because i was prepared to take the one you love above all others, and with so little regret that i find the lack of it nauseating more nauseating than the crime i commit against you. for that, i am sorry. i am sorry to you, and to charlie, and to all who love tommy, but this apology is not for them. it is for you. you who deserve my apology above all others. there are only two possibilities as you read this, either tommy is dead, or he is alive.
i left him notes and clues in the divorce papers, assuming arthur didn't burn them immediately after finding them, i did have hopes for his survival as much as that may surprise you. this underhanded dealing has always left a bitter taste in my mouth and i believe if a man must die it should be upright and facing his death prepared if not peacefully in his sleep. luca will afford tommy no peace and no grace, so i hope he considers or considered it my final peace offering as i finally make the exit from his life that he requested years before this all began. i do not want tommy to die, but if it is what keeps you alive and unharmed by mosley then i swear on the lives of my children i will have no regret.
the deal is complicated, and i am sure you have asked yourself by now if i knew i was leaving why i would not take my children with me and the answer is simple. the price of a child, was the life of a shelby. as much as it pains me to leave you and the kids behind, that is the price that is too high to bear. i have caused you enough pain, and your suffering has been prolonged enough. for all the anger and resentment that has built between tommy and i over the years, this is not how i wanted things to end. know that i tried. know that i negotiated over every detail and inch of this deal, and this was the best i could manage.
i hope that tommy is the one who hands you this letter. i hope that you have some clever brilliant solution that saves him. you don't need to save me. not from luca, and not from myself. i made this choice with my eyes open, and without force. you have said before you would burn the world for me, you showed it as well. know that this is my box of matches, and i am trying to protect you from the blaze. i'm sorry if you are caught in it regardless. i could not save you, ghost, but i tried.
by the time rowena finishes the letter, tommy is lingering in the doorway. allowing her the space she might need as he watches quietly. keeping the letter from her was a poor choice, he is aware of that, but it was an attempt at what he convinced himself to be altruism. ❛ rowena... ❜ he says her name in the same soft tone that he uses when he's attempting to summon her to bed when she appears to have finished the first of the letters. ❛ ...i was trying to protect you. ❜
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