first of all: I AM DEEPLY SORRY.
i think i've had enough delinquency in the past pandemic years of my life. lord, the amount of betrayal and ill-feelings i've had for the world, how twisted i've interpreted the gospel... it is immeasurably despicable.
today, i feel like i've made it to the rock bottom of my journey trying to experience the dark. getting here, i'm starting to feel ultimately scared, it seems that i've become too powerless to cross back to the light. i have become powerless because i stray away from you.
lord, i could say i am regretful for having to take my choice back in 2019. this is where i acknowledge that your ways are higher than mine, and i am truly sorry for having to disrespect that.
as i write this, when almost feeling empty in heart. i feel scared that writing this felt insincere. it makes me think that writing this was made because i'm scared but never remorseful.
lord, help me. renew my heart, make it fearful of you, make it obedient to you.
lord, renew my mind, make it humble towards you, make it work for your glory.
lord, renew my path, as it would be very painful to step off my dreams and hopes in life, but allow me to trust your plans for me.
lord, at the verge of cowarding myself to the idea of death, save me. i don't want to be a coward, lazy, and insensitive person. jesus, have mercy on me.
i beg for a second chance.
lord, thank you. thank you for allowing me to have these realizations. even if i am writing this half-hearted, the grace of your mercy and divine intervention allowed me still to remind myself of my roots. despite my utter disobedience, you never forsake me.
god, help me. i would love to grow back in you. help me go back, i surrender my life to you again. in the name of Jesus Christ, your son, our savior... i come at your knees, praying: RENEW ME.
make me love you again, please ohh god, make me love you again. i beg of you, help me lord. i pray. amen.