This Life.

Complicates.

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Hmmm...🤔

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20th Dec 2015.

A minute to midnight. I am determined to create bucket lists in my life. I am tired of waiting for "the moment my life will change for good". Let's save up and SEE the world. What's the point of working my ass off just to live my life day by day with nothing to look forward to. Let's SEE the world more. I'm determined to travel the world. I'm envious seeing people posted up pictures of them traveling. I want to travel too! I'm freaking 30 and haven't travel the world yet! Let's gear up! Don't bury this dream. Be determined.

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Early month.

5th June 2015 @ 23:13

And so, it indeed is really me. Feeling all mellow on the 1st week of the month.

It’s June. The birthday month. It’s not that I’m not being grateful of my birthday but I don’t like my birthday anymore. It used to be a day that I looked forward to every year.

My birthday gets dull every year. No one celebrates. No surprises. No gifts. No wishes. No one remembers much anymore. Hence I forget everyone’s birthday. No more pain.

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Mellow.

1st May 2015 @ 23:08. It's already May. It seems like only yesterday was the 1st of April. How time flew by so carefree and waits for no one. Life is empty except for work. Life is dull. As dull as the night sky. Today, I succumb to listening to James Blunt's songs. It's those time when I just feel the longing of having someone. Someone I can express my love to. Someone I can express my care to. Someone I can express my feelings to... I'm living in a dream. I'm living in a nutshell. I'm living in a room with brickstone walls. Wishing brings me no where. Pointless. I'd like to write again but words failed me.

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Longing.

This must've been the 3rd consecutive nights that I'm staying up even though I'm damn sleepy. I'm really longing. I longed to have someone to feel in love with. Someone to feel all fluttery about. I do love him but it's love from afar. It's different. I just longed to have someone. Someone I just can feel all giddy about. No deep feelings need to be involved. Just someone I can go out with, maybe. Someone I can exchanged texts with. Someone...

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Night No. 105.

11th March 2015. Thinking too much is never good. Not thinking is also not good. I'm tired. Physically and mentally too. I ought to have a time off of everything. Especially from work!

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Night No. 104.

10th March 2015. Tired to the bone. Sleepy to the core. Stuck to the bed, all sore. Wow. I can still put words together! I still don't have the courage or the right word should be, confidence? I don't know. I'm back to my I-don't-know state. This ain't good. 😣 Ya Allah, permudahkanlah jln untuk ku Ya Allah. Berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk mengharungi hari-hari ku...

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Night No. 103.

9th March 2015. Had too much coffee today. Not much to say. Tried to call it a night early but work kept me awake.

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Night No. 102.

8th March 2015. Lately I feel so empty. Only my work keeps me alive. The rush of getting things done gave me the adrenaline rush and forget things. I drowned myself in my work. My work is my life now. At one point, I feel like giving up. I feel like not wanting to talk anymore. But then again, why give up after just 3 months? Patience is a virtue. Chin up and drink more coffee! Allah sentiasa ada. Berserah and berdoa. Hanya itu yang mampu ku buat. 😣

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Night No. 101.

7th March 2015.

I didn’t update because I don’t know what to say. For 99 nights, I said almost the same thing over and over again.

This time, biarlah Allah yg tahu. Biar Allah menentukan segalanya. Aku bukan menyerah kalah. Aku cuma menyerah kepada takdir.

Kalau beh adalah jodoh ku…walau apa pun jadi…dia tetap akan balik. Insya Allah. Aminnn.

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Night No. 100.

6th March 2015. I saw his car at Supa Save Mabohai at around 4:30 earlier. Petunjuk apakah yg Allah ingin lihatkan? Adakah beh kan balik soon atau sebaliknya? 😣 Aku berserah pada mu Ya Allah. Semuanya ketentuanMu. Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati ku...kuatkanlah semangat ku.

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Ketentuan Illahi.

Dugaan ini amat berat buat diriku... 2 years ago kehilangan bapa...now kehilangan beh...😣 Aku hanya mampu berdoa dan berharap agar suatu hari nanti aku akan mampu senyum kembali...😔

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Ache.

My heart ache more than my head... I miss him so damn much... Hati...bersabarlah...kau sudah berjanji untuk menerima semua ini. Bersabarlah wahai hati...😣 Ya Allah, kuatkan lah semangat ku ini! Beh...me hanya mampu berdoa dan bersabar...hanya Tuhan menentukan segalanya...😖

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Tough.

This is real tough. I'm almost out of words. I'm sick. I'm sad. I'm depressed....

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Heartbreak.

Seeing the photoshoots makes my heart broke even more... Seeing his smile... Seeing the converse... How long can I stand being strong? How to endure this pain? Mama is already giving a green light if he comes back for good to be with me... But seeing all those made me wanna give up just altogether... Seeing the happy shoots... Ya Allah Ya Tuhan ku...tabahkanlah hati hamba mu ini...kuatkanlah semangat ku Ya Allah....sesungguhnya dugaan mu ini teramat berat...😣

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Taubat.

Aku ingin bertaubat... Aku ingin meminta petunjuk mu Ya Allah... Aku terlalu banyak membuat dosa... Bagilah aku petunjuk mu Ya Allah...