Take a Look Around my Brain

dear diary

[crying-diet-coke]

ive started to write again

my heart once again full of sorrow

a different pain this time

for before it was just the

what ifs

and now i’ve experienced love

a year full of it

but my brain is too

messed up for you

to deal with.

i cant seem to cry about it anymore

ive vowed to leave you alone

but who knows

the next time theres a drink in my hand

expect another 20 calls

ones youll never pick up of course

i cant even get my stuff back

so you can just stay where u are

not so secretly stalk my socials

i hope your just as miserable as i am

but just know

it was you who wanted this.

[crying-diet-coke]

i truly think

if you had stayed

we couldve worked it out

fixed it

and i would’ve walked to you

in a white dress

but you left

and i can never go back

i cried too many tears

my family wouldnt accept it

i really did love you

but i cant do this anymore

[crying-diet-coke]

when its 4am

and ive no one to call

what am i to do

but stare blankly at the wall

tears dripping down my face

as i relish in the ability

to for once

feel something

i wish i could just sleep forever

an eternity

where perhaps one dream

may give me

but a glimpse of a face

that i cannot miss

for i love another

but my love after you

has turned to sludge

toxic to the touch

i poison everything

every flower planted

has no chance to grow

for it is only watered

by my acid tears

so far and few between

that a drought builds and builds

until it all floods.

i wish the rain

would sweep me away with it

and the world would finally be rid

of my horrid soul

that has had no purpose on this earth

but to be tossed and torn

dragged and cut

and used and wasted.

i want to die

nearly every moment i can breathe

but even if i hold my breath

my animal urges kick me back to life

for im a coward at my core

no more pills

no drugs

knives dont cut deep enough

i dont know what else to do

but hope a speeding car

doesnt see me

and rams into me full speed

for in that moment

when im flying in the air

lungs collapsing

and bones broken

it will be the greatest thrill of my life.

no one understands

you told me to find the beauty

in nature

in the earth around us

but how do i describe to you

that the green is just green

the trees are just trees

i only find beauty

in blood.

so ill stay here

trudging through the mundane tasks

of everyday life

and pray

for a stray car

or bullet

to come my way

and do the job

im too much of a pussy to do.

if there is a God

and he is as merciful as they say

then i pray

that he will take pity on me

and end this cruel life

before it can hurt me any longer

for i no longer wish to be here

and ive wished that for a long time

years and years

devising plans

i know ill never go through with

smiling in the moment

saying im fine

exaggerating the good parts

to those who ask

when i know

im simply not well

im sick

the type no doctor can cure

the type theres not enough tylenol in the world for

ive tried that already

twice

i just want to die

please

somebody

anybody

just get it over with

i no longer care about what comes after

if i burn for eternity i probably deserve it

just take me away from this world

i beg.

[crying-diet-coke]

i wonder if i ever cross your mind

and it hurts to think

because i know probably not

but when i see your friends

or see your story pop up

i think of you

but not the real you

the you i made up

in my mind

that painted you

as the knight in shining armor

not the nonchalant

reminiscing over another girl

loser you really are

[crying-diet-coke]

why does every late night

or is it early morning

feel like a relapse

i stay up too late

and all of a sudden youre with me

not really of course

in sure your thoughts

havent been with me in a long while

but if for a fleeting moment you remember

i hope you regret

what you did to me

and feel remorse

dont pity me my dear

that would only make it worse

but instead

let my memory haunt you

haunt your dreams

your thoughts

of the girl i was

and of what we couldve been.

[crying-diet-coke]

am i wrong

for missing you?

i spend most nights

held in the arms of another

yet i can never fully forget

you.

what is this feeling.

i feel torn

disgusted.

you were all that occupied my mind for so long

that sometimes i dont know

what else to occupy it with.

you linger with me

pictures hidden

but not deleted

unadded

but not blocked

maybe were met to meet again

for one last heart wrenching event

that will finally tear your path

from mine.

i hope its quick and painless

unlike the way you killed my love for you.

[crying-diet-coke]

why do you still linger in my mind

after so much time has passed

you truly are a parasite

i love you

i hate you

i’ve forgotten you

then i remember.

but its not the right memories

its hazy

i remember the kiss

not the tears that were on my face during

i remember the secret glances

not the lustful ones at another

i remember the song you played

and the one look of love in your eyes

not the hateful words you spit out

just a week later

your eyes once full of love

no wait thats not right.

your eyes once full of lust

now glare at me from across the room

if only youd never fucked her

if only you couldve loved me

i wouldve been yours forever.

[crying-diet-coke]

[crying-diet-coke]

[crying-diet-coke]

i wandered the world only at night

the darkness occasionally extinguished

by the spark of a lighter

a lighter i thought

would catch flame to light a torch

and guide me forward

but all it did was burn me

and scorch me to ashes

as i tried to rebuild and recreate myself

then one day

for the first time

i awoke to the rising sun

and you were there

to link arms with me

and i was no longer wandering blindly

because i had finally reached my destination

in your arms

where i was meant to be

all along.

[crying-diet-coke]

sometimes

my mind lingers

on the past full of thrill

but it wasnt thrill was it

just a roller coaster of emotions

that matched how my brain processed emotions

it wasnt love

because i was never in love with you

loved?

lusted

wanted?

desired.

i thought it was a two way street

but it was only an abandoned alleyway

one for me to walk alone and you to drive by

late at night

when you were drunk

and wanted to forget

the girl you loved before.

[crying-diet-coke]

passion burns through my soul

now i know what i felt before

was never love

but a longing to fill a hole inside me

not meant to be filled by those

who only meant to deceive me

now i see

love isnt drunken kisses

and silent phones during the week

love is bagel bites at 11pm

and chocolate when im sick.

its tender kisses

and embraces that span millennia

love is me for you

and you for me

[crying-diet-coke]

im still up til the break of dawn

til the birds are singing

but at least now its with joy

talking to my lover

instead of laying here with tears

reminiscing over

small

insignificant moments

spent with another

whose thoughts were elsewhere

and intentions were filled with lust

and not love for my soul.

[crying-diet-coke]

youre away again

taken by the powers that be

when oh when

will you return to me

i long just to be in your arms

lay skin to skin

and talk about the stars

i miss your laugh

those perfectly straight teeth

and your eyes

hazel and green

as i see my reflection

smiling back at me.

i miss you as every second passes

and every minute that aches away

i miss you deep in my soul

and my heart years for just a touch

of your lips

loving me

holding me

being mine.

[crying-diet-coke]

spring forward into me

ill catch you as you fall

we’ll fall together

as the cherry blossoms fall around us

framing our figures

as we kiss under the trees

reborn again

in the spring

the warm airs dances

as you look at me

and take my hand in yours

and kiss my fingers with a smile

oh how ive waited for you my dear

oh how ive waited for the spring

the bitter cold leaving this earth

mother nature once again winning the battle

as life returns to our beautiful world.

[crying-diet-coke]

chat i fear i just have attachment issues lmaoo

[crying-diet-coke]

bored and drawing lol