just go ahead, let your hair down

sad girl living in a sad world

[cryingnightflower]

late night/early morning thoughts

sometimes i think the reason why relationships - friends and more - never really work out for me is because i’m the toxic one. 

i try to be everyone’s biggest supporter and i’ve grown so weary over the fact that nobody is here supporting me when i need it. i try to stay as positive as possible 24/7 because that’s the way i want people to look at me but it forces me to push away my insecurities and all this negativity into a pile that just gets bigger and bigger as the days go by. 

and then i burst. 

and i take out all of my stress  and my anger and my sadness and my insecurities and my negativity towards everyone. 

and because the tables have turned,  suddenly,  no one wants to deal with me. 

[cryingnightflower]

overwhelmed

i've become the table that everyone leaves their shit on but the weight has become too heavy that i've fallen and withdrawn my expected support

[cryingnightflower]

drinking game: a poem

take a shot for every boy that broke your heart a shot for every night you cried yourself to sleep a shot for every person that's walked out of your life a shot for every cigarette pack you've purchased a shot for every step back you've taken a shot for every class that you've missed a shot for every guy who's used you for sex a shot for every time you felt like you weren't good enough a shot for every shot and every shot before that until you can't feel yourself anymore until you forget about all the reasons you started taking shots in the first place until you feel okay again

[deeplifequotes]

Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.

Frank Ocean (via deeplifequotes)

[cryingnightflower]

isolated: a poem

my heart is beating out of my chest my sweat is dripping from my forehead my ears have closed off all surrounding noises inhale, exhale inhale, exhale inhale, ex -

"calm down" "chill out" "breathe"

i can't don't you get it? as much as i want to i can't

this isn't something that i can just stop because you tell me to this isn't a light switch that i can just flick off whenever i want

the worst part is when i have to deal with this monster eating me up alive in front of people

"calm down" "chill out" "breathe"

over and over again

"calm down" i try to process it in my head "chill out" but you don't understand "breathe" that my brain has completely shut down i've become incapable of comprehending what you're saying

this is why i walk away without asking you to follow this is why i go home when the party's just begun

and no, i'm not putting a blame on you i know this is my problem and i have to deal with it but your version of "helping" me is my mind's version of "make it worse"

when i catch the tiny breath that i'm able to take the only thing that slips my mouth is "go away"

the worst part is when i have to deal with this monster eating me up alive in front of people

because i push them away when i need them the most and in the end

i'm all alone

[cryingnightflower]

stop haunting my dreams

it’s 4 in the morning and I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes, I see your face and my heart begins to do that thing where it won’t stop hurting

[cryingnightflower]

orlando

i am so sickened by the fact that there are people in the world who think it’s okay to  end a group of people’s lives just because of their sexual orientation 

people who were innocent, people who just wanted to  be proud of who they are, people who thought the nightclub they were at was a safe place 

this world is not a safe place

for people to walk around  in fear that at any time, someone could instantly  take their life away because  they don’t like their lifestyle does not make any sense to me 

none of this makes any sense to me

i can’t fathom how terrible  people in this world can be  i can’t find the right words to  describe my heartbreak, my anger, my sadness, my frustration, my feelings towards this situation 

my heart goes out to the  families of those affected  and the LGBT community itself 

[cryingnightflower]

come back

My mind draws a blank as I sit and 
write what I hope isn’t my last letter to you 
I crave the way you used to look at me
 with eyes so bright, my whole world shined; the way you used to touch me so gently
 as if I was a fragile box and you had to 
handle me carefully so I wouldn’t break

But I’m breaking

A flashback of the day we met replays 
in my head over and over again
 Suddenly, you begin to disappear 
Where are you going? Why are you leaving? Come back

This bookstore feels empty without you 
Lyrics to our favorite songs become meaningless Pictures of your face begin to erase Come back

You keep drifting away, making up all these excuses to go and I’m trying to pull you back, but the rope gets harder to tug on It’s like a little kid trying to chase a balloon, but it keeps floating up Come back

I miss the way you used to kiss me like it was the last time our lips were going to touch; the way we would stare into each other’s eyes and get lost in a trance - a hurricane could pass right through us and I would still be glued to you

I fall in love with you all over again with each minute that passes by so please tell me why you keep putting a thousand miles between us as I try to reach for your hand

Don’t let go just yet 
I’m not done trying 
I don’t want you to forget the way you make my heart skip a beat or the way my stomach flips  when I’m with you

Come back

[cryingnightflower]

things i’ll never tell you

cue the cricket noises 

why is it so silent? have we possibly run out of things to talk about already?

just a couple weeks ago, we were able to stay on the phone for hours talking about anything that  came to our minds

now it’s become never ending minutes of excruciating awkwardness, long pauses of complete silence, “how was your day?” “good, yours?” “good” kinds of conversations

/small talk/

don’t give me small talk i thought we passed that stage

i thought relationships were  supposed to grow  but i feel like we’re  getting smaller 

like any second now, i could feel nothing for you

i don’t wanna feel nothing for you

[cryingnightflower]

loved and lost: a poem

the day i let you go  didn't hurt me as much  as it does now

i guess knowing that you’re not a phone call away anymore

knowing i can’t just show up  to your house because i miss you

knowing you’re probably  thinking of someone else 

you’re probably holding  someone else

you’re probably loving  someone else 

haunts me

[cryingnightflower]

And just like that, with a snap of a finger, you're gone. Suddenly, I'm nothing to you.

My boyfriend and I just broke up and I'm sad

[cryingnightflower]

I never understood why you never wanted me to capture our memories in pictures until you decided to leave and never look back

[cryingnightflower]

if only: a poem

so close yet so far away, as the cliche saying goes, but you will never know how sweaty my palms get when our knees rub against each other as we sit in a group of people and all i can do is admire the way you engage in conversation your lips move to a rhythm that i long to feel on the back of my neck as you whisper sweet nothings

i’m in a trance, i’m in a daze and i can’t help but picture your face just centimeters away from mine tell me you see the signs too

when you gently place your hand on my shoulder, can you feel my body jump? when you look at me and simper, can you tell that i’ve forgotten how to breathe? there’s a room full of people but you’re the only one i see and why do i keep on saying these cliche things? whenever you speak, i hear angels sing..? or something like that..

so much time has gone by but my eyes seem to be glued to you i’m surprised nobody has questioned my sanity because i’m pretty sure my head is not attached to my body

and with a snap of a finger i’m back to reality where i have to pretend we’re just friends and not in some fantasy where you’re mine and i’m yours cause that’s not how the story goes unfortunately, we’re stuck in my daydream and i’ll never be able to show you the love i’m capable of giving you

[cryingnightflower]

painting pictures: a poem

is this what love is supposed  to feel like? laying in complete silence, not even the sounds of  our breathing can be heard is this it? your arms wrap tightly around  me and your lips peck my shoulder and i’m home being in your arms feels like home it feels like hot coffee in the morning, the scent of chocolate chip cookies in the oven, the sound of your favorite song being played over and over again, home.  you’re so close to me i can feel your eyelashes brush up and down my cheek i’m paralyzed i feel gentle strokes on my thigh and suddenly i’m high on you i’m swimming in dark chocolate as i look into your deep brown eyes and suddenly i’m drowning  but i don’t wanna be saved as long as I’m looking at you, let me drown  i love you but i don’t wanna say it out loud in fear that you won’t say it back, that you won’t be ready, so i keep to myself  and stroke my fingers on your back as if doing so would send the message  as if my finger was a paintbrush and your back was my canvas  i was monet and you were my garden 

[cryingnightflower]

self acceptance: a poem

I was 12 the first time I noticed my body wasn’t the same as those around me. My jeans didn’t hug my legs the way they were supposed to, my boobs were slightly bigger than everyone else’s, and my stomach popped out of my jeans. I was 13 the first time I forced myself to throw up after lunch because I thought it would make everything go away, I thought  “hey this burger was really good but wow my jeans feel really tight right now” so I went to the school bathroom and shoved the end of a fork down my throat and watched as my weight got flushed down the toilet and even though I felt like shit, I felt so much better knowing that my jeans weren’t suffocating me I was 14 when I entered high school and all the girls were wearing tight shirts that complimented their tiny stomachs and l walked in with a baggy t-shirt because I didn’t want anyone to see that I had gained 10 pounds over the summer I was 15 when I realized my body was starting to make me depressed, I asked to go to the bathroom during every class period to look in the mirror and make sure I didn’t look big and I brought plastic forks with me just in case I did I was 16 when I first auditioned for a big role in my school musical and when that cast list went up and I didn’t get a significant part, I couldn’t help but think it was because of my size When my director took away the small role that he gave me, I couldn’t help but think it was because I wasn’t small enough I was 17 when I almost killed myself because the guy I was seeing told me he didn’t want to be seen with me anymore I weighed 20 pounds more than him and his friends always told him he’d get crushed by me I was 18 when I looked at myself in the mirror, birthday suit and everything, trying to convince myself that this is me and I should be okay with it I’m 19 and for the first time someone appreciated my body the way I never had been able to  For the first time, somebody looked at me with eyes full of love and not disgust. For the first time, I didn’t flinch when his hand cupped my love handles, I didn’t feel uncomfortable when I was bare naked in front of him. For the first time, somebody loved me for me, stomach rolls and everything And because of that, I was able to appreciate myself I was able to look into a mirror and not have the urge to throw up my weight I was able to accept myself I’m 19 and I’m not stick thin, my jean size is a 12, my shirt size is an extra large, I have a double chin, and my arms have flabs, but if someone out there can love all of that, I should be able to. This is me and I’m finally okay with it. 

[cryingnightflower]

nostalgia: a poem

When I say “I miss you” I mean, I miss the way your cold hands caressed my warm body and your fingertips sent goosebumps down my thigh I mean, I miss the way you’d sing while you made food  and it was the most beautiful sound to ever travel through my ears I mean, I miss the way you’d  look into my eyes  and made it seem like I was the only person in the world I mean, I miss the way your  face warmed up every time  I entered the room and you’d smile ever so slightly I mean, I miss the way you’d blast your music in the house as if there was nobody else in the neighborhood I mean, I miss the way you held me  in your arms and I never wanted to leave  because being in your arms felt like coming home I mean, I miss the way you never had to verbally say that  you loved me, but I knew anyway When I say “I miss you” I mean, I fucking miss you.

[cryingnightflower]

“Legalize Rape”

Let me tell you something about  being a rape victim.

Do you know how many times a stranger has brushed up on me with no intention, just a crowded place with no elbow room, and I cringe? Do you know how many times  I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, blood rushing,  scared for my life  because I painted a picture in my head while I was asleep  of someone creeping up my t-shirt?

Do you know how many times I get a panic attack  because I remember that in just two more years,  the man who ruined my life  will be free to ruin other people’s lives?

Do you know how many times I go to the gas station and sit in my car until the man 3 pumps away from me leaves because I don’t feel safe?

Do you know how many times I’ve been in a relationship and ended it because I felt I wasn’t worthy enough? That because someone had damaged me so bad, nobody would want to love me?

Do you know how many times I’ve told people my story and their response is that I brought it upon myself? That it was my fault he decided to hold me down while I fought and tried to kick myself away?

Do you know how many times I actually believe that?