suburban king @crypticdumbass-blog - Tumblr Blog

I hate how much I attach my self worth to sex. I hate it. I just don’t know how to change it.

then stop talking about it you fucking dumbass

Between that fight with Frank and Mark being sour about the wedding, and publicly so, I really don’t know what to think or feel. I feel like everything in my brain isn’t right. That I’m unintentionally seeing things through a cursed pair of sunglasses. I don’t know what my next step in life in, aside from the aforementioned wedding, and it really bothers me. I feel like I’ve plateaued. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’ve gotten stale, boring, and all around just bland.

But I don’t know how to get these feelings across without looking like an asshole.

And last night has kind of.. amplified all these negative feelings about myself. Fuck.

I’ve noticed I’ve gained a lot of weight recently. I don’t like it. I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t hate his body but some days? Kind of wish I was shorter. Smaller.

I feel so heavy. I don’t know why, but I’m overwhelmingly sad.

It’s amazing how quickly and how quiet you can drift away from people you once called your friends. I don’t feel a connection there anymore. It’s sad, but I can’t say I’m heartbroken about it.

Man, this dude is some sort of bizarre train wreck. don’t like him. Don’t want him at the wedding, don’t want anything to do with him. Good riddance.

digitalaids

florian hetz, 27.03.15

I haven’t really been myself since I was plucked out of existence for awhile. I don’t know my left from my right most days and it’s bothering. They say nothing was broken. No brain damage. Just... Some gnarly muscle damage. I have to relearn to walk again. I have to rely on Frank to kind of be my legs until that happens.

Maybe I’m overreacting. He says he’s fine with it, but I hate feeling like I’m weighing someone down.

My head is still in a foggy state and I hate it. I’ll tune out of conversations and tune back in to a completely different conversation. I don’t feel like I’m all here and it fucking blows. I don’t want to feel this weight on my chest anymore but I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Sometimes I think I’m not cut out for relationships. I keep fucking shit up. My head hurts.

So.. I’m not sure how to explain this. Someone keeps texting me weird shit about Frank. Even to the point of sending photos of guys that could pass for him at first glance but they’re obscured enough in the photo to where it can’t be confirmed doing.. Things. Things that line up to what Frank has told me about his past so far, but things I want to believe he doesn’t do anymore.

My mind never goes there but lately it feels like I’ve upset him somehow. It feels like he’s avoiding me. He’s been going to do something, he says working on his new album, all day then I get a few hours at night when that happens. And it happens frequently. I wonder if me mentioning the anniversary of Jen’s death and how it still really bothers me to this day has anything to do with it?

I am afraid to say anything. I don’t want to risk losing what I have with Frank but I don’t like the idea of any of the possibilities of what he could be doing instead of music playing out. I just.. I don’t want to risk losing him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I’ve fucked up in the past when it came to this sort of stuff. He can totally do his own thing and be his own person without me but.. This person texting me, they planted this seed of worry in my gut. And now I can’t stop thinking about it. Fuck.

So, the race. The impromptu race. I’ve never seen that car on the street in my life, but then again I do mostly race the classic muscle cars... but boy, was it a rush. Too much of a rush. I probably won’t be doing that again for awhile.

I still can’t get my thoughts together about it, fuck.

muserhq

“I love you. I can’t remember when I fell in love with you but very naturally, I had fallen in love with you before I knew it.”

— Makoto Shinkai (via extramadness)

Okay, I’m back. Spencer is safe and I am safe. I had to ditch my Road Runner for awhile, at least until it isn’t so hot. I’ll probably have to get new plates before I pick it up too. Thank god for David coming to pick us up too.

What was supposed to be a little drag race escalated too damn fast. Fuck. I’m tired.

It’s like he read my mind. I got a little frustrated the other night when he pulled away from me- Not because he pulled away from me, though. I should clarify I got frustrated because it was such a common occurrence. I was tired of... Just not knowing why, and not knowing how I can better act when it comes to this stuff.

But he told me. Told me he used to sleep with people for money and a lot of them treated him awfully. And now I feel pretty guilty for getting frustrated, but I supposed that can’t be helped. I guess now all I can do is help him through the healing process. Wonder if that is what he wants from me.

Sometimes, i wish he’d just fucking talk to me.

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