Hi, it’s me again, if anyone is listening...
It’s currently 3:12 AM, and I have class tomorrow at 10 AM, and I can’t fall asleep. There are so many things going through my mind, and now I’m frustrated at myself because I can’t stop thinking. Tomorrow I’m emailing my official acceptance for an internship that I was so excited about, but now I’m wondering if I’m settling taking it. Like I went to Cornell with such high dreams, and it seems that the rigor and competitiveness has kind of weighed me down. People were joking about mental illnesses at Cornell when I was first admitted, but facing depression my freshman year was no joke. It left me with low confidence and even after 2 years, I’m still trying to build myself back up. I guess it’s just the atmosphere of this school. There are constantly people better than you and wealthier than you who seem to be happier than you. I guess there are people like that everywhere, but it seems that the more you progress out of academia, the quicker you are to realize just how mediocre you are. I know people getting Analyst jobs at Bank of America, JP Morgan, Goldman Sachs, Barclays. Many many people. I know people interning for Google, Facebook, Uber. People researching cancer treatments, and then there’s me. I know that I’m not in the same field, and I wouldn’t enjoy what they’re doing, but the name. The sheer name gets me. And it keeps me up at night. I want the satisfaction of letting people know that I scored a job with one of the most recognizable companies in the world, but that just doesn’t happen in Civil Engineering. And I love what I do, so why am I so stuck on this. Honestly, it may be easy to blame Cornell, but I feel like it’s such a big reason why. When I look back on my high school self, I was never unhappy if someone else did better than me. I always praised them. I was average at best in track and cross country, just above average in GPA. Why here, am I SO unhappy. I guess it’s just the stress of growing up, but I just want to know how I can be carefree again. I guess writing my thoughts is a step.











