// \\

20.

[crystalcaverns]

Hi, it’s me again, if anyone is listening...

It’s currently 3:12 AM, and I have class tomorrow at 10 AM, and I can’t fall asleep. There are so many things going through my mind, and now I’m frustrated at myself because I can’t stop thinking. Tomorrow I’m emailing my official acceptance for an internship that I was so excited about, but now I’m wondering if I’m settling taking it. Like I went to Cornell with such high dreams, and it seems that the rigor and competitiveness has kind of weighed me down. People were joking about mental illnesses at Cornell when I was first admitted, but facing depression my freshman year was no joke. It left me with low confidence and even after 2 years, I’m still trying to build myself back up. I guess it’s just the atmosphere of this school. There are constantly people better than you and wealthier than you who seem to be happier than you. I guess there are people like that everywhere, but it seems that the more you progress out of academia, the quicker you are to realize just how mediocre you are. I know people getting Analyst jobs at Bank of America, JP Morgan, Goldman Sachs, Barclays. Many many people. I know people interning for Google, Facebook, Uber. People researching cancer treatments, and then there’s me. I know that I’m not in the same field, and I wouldn’t enjoy what they’re doing, but the name. The sheer name gets me. And it keeps me up at night. I want the satisfaction of letting people know that I scored a job with one of the most recognizable companies in the world, but that just doesn’t happen in Civil Engineering. And I love what I do, so why am I so stuck on this. Honestly, it may be easy to blame Cornell, but I feel like it’s such a big reason why. When I look back on my high school self, I was never unhappy if someone else did better than me. I always praised them. I was average at best in track and cross country, just above average in GPA. Why here, am I SO unhappy. I guess it’s just the stress of growing up, but I just want to know how I can be carefree again. I guess writing my thoughts is a step. 

[crystalcaverns]

I think I’m going to start writing on here again. Mainly for myself, to track my process through life, and have something to do rather than watching Netflix consistently.

Since freshman year, I’ve definitely become a stronger person; however, old habits die young. I’ve not only been amazed at what I’ve been accomplishing academically, and I’m proud of all the progress I’ve made in my school work, but also on myself and how I’ve dealt with tough situations personally and academically. It sucks, though, knowing that even though I’ve made these huge improvements, I still get major anxiety over the thought of reverting back to “stupid” Livia. Why am I so afraid to fail? And why do I keep looking at my past failures and using them as an excuse not to take risks? I guess it’s human nature to want to succeed and not fail, but it’s frustrating constantly concentrating on just how much I have to lose. 

[mypugobsession]

[quonnyjew]

i like where my aesthetic is heading 

[juergenteller]

[misterannelister-deactivated201]

republicans are quick to tell you “all lives matter” when it comes to abortion but damn they quiet when it comes to a black boy killed in the streets

[constantneverland]

[quonnyjew]

Today is my mom’s birthday so I drove home 6 hours from college to surprise her and just watch this video pls

[theskankymofo]

JOHN I LOVE THIS VIDEO SO MUCH YOUR MOM IS SO GREAT

[crystalcaverns]

John you are literally the cutest person on this planet <333

[palmiiier]

I give because I know how it feels to want.

(via oceavns)

[pr-incessdiana-deactivated20190]

We forget good things pass too.

Six Word Story (via midnight-bleue)

[atomos]

[scoutgray-deactivated20131121]

His pledge to her:

i will kill the spiders. i will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. i won’t ever pop my collar. i will never be rude to your tummy- when i hear it growl and gurgle. i promise to bend down and reply respectfully. i will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. i will kiss the papercuts. and the door-slammed finger, and the counter-bumped hip. i’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. i will be the big spoon. i will let you win at wrestling, sometimes. other times i will not. i will go faster. harder. i will pull when you want. and tease you when you don’t. i will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. not always. not on schedule. just whenever i want to. whenever i think you need one. or seven. i will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. i will hold your hand. i will love you.  i will love you. i will love you.

I’m pretty sure I’ve reblogged this before, but it’s so perfect.

[crystalcaverns]

GUYS, DELAYS SUCK AND I WANT TO GO HOME, BUT PHL HAS A CHIPOTLE!!!!!

[crystalcaverns]

WHOA, so I haven't been on here in like... a month. Or like I haven't really been on here in a month, but I'm really stressed out right now, so I'm going to write this, hoping it'll make me feel better.

So my first round of prelims just ended and grades are back, and I didn't do that well. I'm sure I can revive my grades, it just sucks because I studied really hard, or at least I thought I did. And it's reminding me of my first semester at school when I didn't do too well, and it's just making me worry that history is going to repeat it's self and I'm going to go back into a deep depression. Especially because it's the same time of year.

Besides that my flight was cancelled yesterday so I had to transfer my flight to today but everything is delayed and I had to switch my flight so I'm not even flying into Ithaca anymore, I'm flying into Binghamton, and I have to take a bus back, so I won't be back till 10. And I had a group project due today that I had to ask an extension for, which is fine, I just feel like i'm letting my group down, and I have so many classes I've skipped these past two day, which doesn't help because I missed classes the last two weeks to study for prelims and stuff. It's just really stressful.

On top of it all (the most minor thing) is that I thought I was finally okay with the long distance thing with Zek, and I mostly am. I wasn't too upset when I left. I knew I'd see him soon, but since I've been sitting at this airport for like 5 hours, I've really had time to think, and it makes me so upset that we're in the same town and can't see each other. Zek is like my best friend, and he helps me with everything, and I feel like I've been on edge for the past 2 weeks, but as soon as I saw him, I wasn't on edge anymore. Sigh. I guess it's just not something you ever get over. He's just really cute. so it's hard. I blame him. I feel like I miss him the most when things start to go downhill, which I feel like they're starting to do now. =/

[allthingseurope]

[vvni-deactivated20150516]

Men and Women, stages of fear

[prettystuff]

[mrmvrd]