summary ; you were the reason he won't come home but you still call home. this story is based on the song of ethel cain.
warnings : it's angst. fully angst. it's about toxic relationship. so violence, arguing and fighting, sick behavior, daddy and mommy issues, the urge of love and being loved, mentions of drugs, the feeling of being misunderstood and unsteady. home is used as a metaphor of relationship. it's about inner rage too. slight of smut but very little. both rafe and reader being fucked up. southern goth/small town coded.
author's note : it's my first time writing angst so be easy one me please ! as i said, it's based on " a house in nebraska" by ethel cain (because she's my favorite artist and my muse.) and a lot of her songs make me think of rafe, but i also take inspo of her others songs like crush, strangers, and hard times. also a hint of bet on losing dogs by mitski.
i dont know how many words are in this works, but i think around 3k ? it's a one-shot ! BETTER TO READ IT WHILE LISTENING TO A SAD SONG. (a house in nebraska (live version)or anything else)
you lived in the nebraska with rafe, he was your man and you were his girl. it was a small town that allowed you to be just him and you against the world, to be safe from the rest. but the ugly truth was that your house had become a raging mess. the mattresses had become dirty, the silence too comfortable, the night too long, the emptiness too deep, the love too absent and the violence too present. everyone was angry here, even demons and the silence.
rafe was a storm, and every time you tried to calm it, you became further worse. no, you weren't becoming like him, you were becoming him, the mirror of his emotions, full of rage and inexpressible feelings. like a bomb, you needed it to come out, to scream and explode. like a bomb, you needed to hurt, and destroy everything in your way.
you had built this house together, when he still worked with his hands, oh god, how much you loved those big and strong hands, the dirt and bruises on his skin. the softness of his palms when he touched you, the pulsating veins engraved. they were made to love you, to caging you. they were always rushed with blood and wounds because of his work, but despite how dirty they were when he came home, they were always pure and clean on your body. but you also were so in love with his messy sweaty hair, caressing by the wind. he was tall and handsome, the kind of man who worked all day, and drunk at night, some whiskey or bourbon. but never missed to please the needs of his girl.
when he smoked his red marlboros on the porch, you were sitting on his lap like a sleepy girl to take a nap on his heavy arms that managed to hug your body. when he took a sip of his cold beer, while you had nothing to do but being his own pretty girl. when he allowed you to bathe him, cleaning the mess and the sweat. when you used to learn him how to play some classic music on the old piano, and he was just turned on by the way you used so damn well your fingers, and making you sit on the board, and fuck you right there, even if the windows were wide open.
at this time, you would have die for him.
when he still listened to what you said, when he still answered your calls and did not make you sick by his silence, when you laughed every time he came home . but now you were starting to hate the fact that he was coming.
how did the man who was supposed to make you so happy manage to break you so easily? but you weren't an angel either, oh far from it, you had neither wings nor halo on your head, you didn't even have god in your heart. you made him, like all men, your enemy.
it was four in the morning, it was still dark, you were waiting in the living room.
the tv wasn't on. rafe had broken it during an argument. that wasn’t the only thing he shattered, you had to be the hardest thing he does. not even with his fists, with just the force of his words, the way they were murderous, the way they had the force to tear your heart open and crushed it into pieces.
most people would say that this man was not the type to cry, that a man doesn't cry, but rafe cried. and you had seen him a couple of times, and the first time you saw him burst into tears, you knew straight away that it was the real him. that behind all this hatred, this anger, there was a hurted little boy. and who grew up with an open wound, a wound impossible to heal, even with all the love in the world.
rafe was the kind of man who screamed, who cried, who bled, a fallen angel who had lost god along the way, who had been ignored, but mostly, never heard.
when he opened the door to the house, you hated the strong smell of alcohol, but also of blood. you never asked him for anything, the only thing you wanted was for him to come home on time for dinner, to go to bed with you. but no one, absolutely, no one tamed a dog like him. and you rathered not bet on losing dogs.
“where were you ?? ” you had already started shouting due to lack of patience, getting up from the chair to confront him.
you had seen him sigh, making that bored face, like you had no reason to be upset, that face that made all women become even worse.
“if you had the same energy to scream when we fuck, we would have a fantastic sex life.”
“seriously, rafe? you want to play the asshole, right now ? ”
“ it will suit your bitch behavior, so why not ?”
you slapped him very hard in the face. what obviously rafe didn't find this very amusing, he crushed you in the wall, pinned your hands above your head.
“ don't you dare slapping me again. you want to be mean, sweetheart ? i can be meaner. let's see....oh this is the necklace that your mom offered to you before leaving ? how sweet. maybe, i can sell it for a good price. ”
“ rafe. don't. ”
he shushed you, by putting his other hand on your mouth. “ you're not allowed to talk right now. you had your turn for, now, it's my fucking turn. and i will do whatever the fuck i want ! it's my house, my rules. ”
he unhooked the necklace, as you tried to break away from his grip but he closed his fingers tighter against your wrists.
“I'm going to kill you, no matter what you do, i'm going to kill you. ”
“murder me” he said with a louder voice. “i’m asking you to murder me! it’s probably the only good thing you’ll have done well in your life. you know even if i die tonight, i will die yours. even if you kill me, i will always be here.”
he released you, and you exploded. “you have exceeded the limits, rafe! ”
” since when are there boundaries between us, sugar? we're freaks, remember? ”
you threw away the first object you found, it was an empty coffee cup. you threw it at his face. but he had dodged it with a sick smile. your jaw clenched, eyes blazing with fury, you were out of control. you were what he wanted you to be every time he came home late
” oh you can do better than that baby. i'm sure i taught you how to shoot better than this when i showed you how to kill? do you remember? ”
“ this, this fucking attitude, rafe is why everybody leaves you ! ”
“ yes. and do i fucking care, y/n ? do i fucking care ? i grew up in a family where nobody loved me, nobody reached after me, nobody looked after me, nobody dared to pay attention to me and you tell me i have to care about everyone leaving me ? no, it's not fucking fair ! so do you understand ? i don't care. if you want to leave, you know better than me that the door is open because you're the only one to be stucking in front, waiting like a fucking dog that i come come. ”
“ fine. i leave ! ”
you took the keys of the car, even if rafe hated that you drove, especially at midnight. but you were too upset, too mad.
your man wasn't done with you. he stood in front of the car you were driving.
“if you think i'm afraid of killing you, when you were the one who taught me how to do that, you're wrong. ”
" yes ? then show me how well i did my job. kill me. ”
“ rafe, i’m not kidding. ”
“ perfect, we are both serious then. ”
you moved the car forward, pressing the pedal with your feet. you hitted him with the car. it was strong but not violent either.
you got out of the car quickly to check on him. but he was smiling, a little blood on his face.
“are you sick!? ”
“ i raised you well, i fear. now, lick this face. i can see in your eyes how pretty you find me covered with blood, so please yourself, lick it all. ”
“ wait, i will find some tis….”
“ no, with your tongue. clean my whole face with your tongue. don't waste anything. i want to be able to kiss you right after, and recognize the taste of my blood all over your mouth. you want to be sick ? make me feel sick too. ”
maybe you were too young to realize that some loves could be bad. but this relationship was toxic. you had both destroyed each other, and it was complicated when you saw this world, this universe only through your union. you felt like you had lost a lot, like you had lost everything, like you had failed. maybe, you were the failure, and rafe, the problem. but also, maybe, he was the failure and you, the problem.
and you hated not knowing what was going on in rafe's head, you hated that no one on this earth could figure it out, and that even rafe himself didn't know it. he was crazy, he was sick but that wasn't all, it couldn't be just that.
you gave up the fight, going to the bathroom to take a bath. you needed some peace because the house didn't feel like a home anymore.
sometimes wheezie would call you to see if you were okay, she had grown up, and you lied to her all the time. because it hurt so much to be two in a relationship, but not feel like you were a part of it anymore. and the worst part of it all was that you could kill yourself for just one minute of affection, just one second of happiness, just one moment in the past when everything was okay. where rafe was still the sweet little boy you knew. but the stories were not meant to have a happy ending.
it was hard this feeling, this lack when he still lived with you in this terrible house. but one day you'll be the reason he won't come home again. but you would always call home. you promised yourself. because it would always be yours.
rafe had joined you in the bathtub. and you could tell by his red and empty eyes, his blank stare that he had been crying. he cried and he was not the drugs, he was you, only you.
and you didn't mention it. you didn't say anything. you preferred to stay smart and not start another fight.
“the walls could break down with so much screams. ” you said, laughing slightly.
“maybe we should sell the house. ”
“i like this house. i feel at home here. i have nowhere to go. ” you lied for the two first, but not for the last.
and it was true. you had built everything, paved everything here. you had remade a world. you couldn't leave, you couldn't leave anything. and above all, you were too tired to leave.
it would be a lie to say that you didn't had sex in the bathtub, that you didn't feel his tears on your shoulder, that you didn't feel his thrusts get harder each time a sob broke out his empty eyes, that you didn't feel how much he was breaking every time you took pleasure. because, it was hard for him to seeing you being happy. because it was so hard to take care of you. because it was so hard to feel loved and being loved. you were both too young, too stupid, too sick for love.
and rafe wanted to make you happy without sex, without all this selfish sex. no, he wanted to make you happy by some casual things. but sometimes, you pissed him off so bad to the point, he wanted to leave. but how can a man who hoped to be loved can leave the woman who promised to cherish him ? it was too tired, too angry, and too unsteady to leave. you broke him too. and it was sad for him, because you were the only one he was not scared to tell it hurts.
but at six in the morning you were fighting again as if it were a ritual, a need, a desire to destroy each other, as if sometimes love needed to be violent and destructive to work. actually, for freaks like you, surely.
“why did you throw my fucking drugs down the toilet?! ”
“because you don’t need that!” ”
“you don’t know what i need, you barely know what i want! you had no fucking right to do that. ”
“ don't be a crybaby ! ”
“ repeat. i dare you to repeat. ”
“crybaby! you're a fucking crybaby, rafe! your new personality changes nothing about the boy you were and will always be! what, you don't like the truth ? bad for you, i'm about to tell you what everyone doesn't want to tell you. because i'm not scared at all of you ! you're a fucking crybaby ! ”
“ but you're still here, you're still fucking here. because you know what ? i'm maybe a crybaby, but i'm a river worth wading. and this is why, you're standing in front of me with all this confidence. you wanted a broken man, you wanted someone to fix ? then come on baby, i'm here, i'm watching you, i'm listening, i'm literally at your feets, fix me ! fix the little boy you wanted, make him better. ”
“ rafe…”
“no, i'm asking you now who do you think you are? do you think that because you have this attitude, it doesn't make you a little girl who needs her daddy? because damn, yes, you need him. but i fear daddy was the only one who didn't need you because guess what ? he left. and you make all the men leave around you ! but the difference between us is that you care. when i fucking dont care.”
“ you're sick, a sick asshole. and don't touch me ! ” you pushed him away, but he came back, his hand on your throat. “ but you're the sick one who loves me, remember that ?” he answered.
“ but do you think i still love you ? ” you said with a smirk, taking pleasure to see his widen eyes. “ i'm asking you right now, do you think i still love you, and if one day, someone will like you like i do ? it would be so hard for you to find happiness after me, i can promise you this. you will fight a lot. because ? can you see ? can you see i can breathe without you, i can live without you ? but you, can you do this ? yes, you can fight, you can scream and shout but what else ? ”
“ it doesn't hurt, y/n. it doesn't hurt. and you can't break me, as you can't fix me. ”
“ then why are you crying, big boy ? why are those tears for, if not for me ? ”
“ i built a home for you, i did everything for you. ”
“ and then what ? ”
“ don't make me regret it, y/n. don't make me regret the only good thing i've made well in my life, just don't make me regret...this. you don't understand. why did every house i'm in never felt like home ? ”
“ you destroy everything, rafe. but me too, i guess. the difference is that you have an excuse, a reason for being like that. your dad fucked up with you. and i hate him for that. if he had loved you correctly, you would have known and learned how to love people, how to be attached to them. but you don't know any of that, you don't know what it is to love, and to be loved. everything i do for you, you could call it love, even when i'm mean. but it's false, love is tender, it's beautiful. but you know, i think i'm sick because i also like the way you love me, this violence, this rage, this impulsiveness, it drives me crazy but it makes me alive. so, do you think you could do it again? ”
“ why you didn't leave, why you never leave ? ”
“ because it's our house. we're stuck in forever. this is our house in nebraska, our only heaven. now be a good boy and cry a little for me, i think i'm going away a little...” you said, taking him in your arms, your hand placed on his back, and your hand pressed to his cheek. “don’t worry, i cry a lot too. all the time, even when you make me happy. ” you shushed him, bursted in tears in the hug.
you kissed him on the corner of his lips, your mouth meeting his tears, before he joined you in this kiss, you felt his sad and salty tongue against yours, his hands came squeeze your waist.
but now in the present, you were alone. the house still existed but it was just you.
you weren't sleeping anymore, because you kept hoping that he would come home, you were hoping that he would come home late at night.
but you were alone in a dirty and cold mattress. and you prayed for him hoping he was okay. the phone was broken but you were hoping to hear it ring, the door was open and you were waiting for a sign.
nothing was right, everything was wrong. you just wanted to say to rafe that he had you, that he had a house, and his home missed him, like nobody ever does in his life.
you didn't realize that you had been lying all this time, and that you were silently dying. but at least you died, only his.
using alter-egos is something that helped me a lot in almost all aspects of my life and rly pushed me to become the best version of myself.
alter ego by definition is someones secondary or alternative personality. successful ppl like kobe bryant, beyonce and more use alter egos in their field of work.
alter egos r a direct way to put urself into the state of ur dream self or the best version of urself and can help u to grow and get out of ur comfort zone.
HOW TO USE AN ALTER EGO :
write down a list of traits that defined the OLD you (or the you in the ordinary world) and then write down a list of trait that the best version of you or the traits that u wish u had
bring LIFE to ur alter ego. think about who are what inspires you, it can be real or fictional, living or inanimate DONT limit urself to anything
trust the process and put thought into it ~
3. once you've thought of all this for ur alter ego, all u have to do is breathe life into ur alter ego or egos. give it a name, ik megan thee stallion has an alter ego called tina snow.
dont just choose a random name, although u can name ur alter ego anything its important to choose a name that u feel some sort of emotional connection to. and a name that invokes or implies who you are or who you wanna be.
4. to activate ur alter ego use a totem or an artifact. (EX: when u wear a certain accessory or piece of clothing ur activating a certain alter ego) its called enclothed cognition which states the effect that clothes have on human cognition
wear things that you like or make you feel your best.
remember the famous saying "confidence is not they will like me, confidence is I’ll be fine if they don’t".
don’t be afraid of saying "no"
stop comparing yourself with other people. everyone is from different backgrounds and they might be doing the same.
invest in yourself and the people you care about.
remove the words "embarrassing" "cringe" from you vocabulary. we are all humans; we are unique. we constantly evolve. you falling in front of someone , having different hobbies, or having flaws does not make you cringe or embarrassing. "Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong"
realize that you are 100% prettier than you think or know. your phone or mirror will never show your beautiful features accurately.
it’s okay to want more, be more or do more. you’re never "too much".
know yourself and what you want (journaling will help a lot with this)
don’t let challenges stop you. let them motivate you, instead. "Don’t be afraid of failure. Be afraid of not trying"
use positive affirmations.
meditate. (clean mind = better mood)
make boundaries and stick to them.
there will be days when you will feel at your lowest, and it’s okay, learn to bounce back and rest.
learn more about body language. it makes a huge difference.
you are more than your body. work on your mindset first, and you will see the physical glow up coming to you naturally. it’s all about how we see ourselves.
you are your dream girl. act, dress, talk like her. there is no right moment to be her but now ♡
embracing your dark feminine energy is basically saying fuck being obedient. feminines have been taught for so long to hide away, cover up, be silent, banish witchcraft, ignore your intuition, stop creating, be less selfish, be thoughtless.
but the dark feminine energy is about embracing the forbidden and not giving a fuck about being ‘good’ in the eyes of others.
it’s embracing your naked body. it’s indulging in your pleasures without guilt. its speaking your mind with boldness. it’s trusting and following your gut, even when others may think you’re dumb. it’s saying no. it’s setting clear boundaries. it’s protecting your energy from manipulation and harm.
the dark feminine energy is a force that is cunning, unpredictable, wild, magnetic, intuitive, pleasure seeking and limitless. it is both a creator and a destroyer. it is god.
don’t be afraid of your dark feminine power or influence because others are intimidated by it. ignore those who deem you ‘bad’ and continue to own your divine power.
follow @succulentsiren for more dark feminine energy posts♠️
Imagine who you could be if only you had the audacity.
If you didn’t care about looking stupid. If you weren’t afraid of making mistakes. If you didn’t put other people’s judgements before your own. If you didn’t neglect your responsibilities. If you didn’t procrastinate. If you didn’t let the toxic voice win. If you didn’t overthink everything. If you didn’t fear your own power.
Imagine that you have the audacity.
That you take bold actions. That you take accountability for yourself. That you unapologetically show your creativity to the world. That you ignore the naysayers. That you remain unbothered. The you allow yourself to be seen. That you embrace all that you are. That you speak your truth. That you allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them, then become a winner. That you speak highly to yourself. That you begin your journey right now.
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