“regardless.”
there is no easy way to put this - life sucks.
it’s brutal - it beats the shit out of you and makes no apologies, and then laughs at you while you attempt to makes sense of the abuse you’ve just suffered.
i am not special in this sense. for everyone this year has been like a Stephen King novel with a different horror awaiting its reader in every new chapter...except we are the characters and each chapter is a new month. you keep turning the pages because you desperately want to know how it ends...but a small voice in you just keeps telling you to put it down.
over time, that small voice becomes louder and more aggressive - it grows from a quiet, familiar whisper with a simple request to a severely pissed off stranger with a laundry list of mistreatments you’ve committed...all the while having no understanding as to why the situation(s) you’re in became your fault.
you get defensive - offended even. you know your current circumstances had little or nothing to do with the decisions you made or the things you said/didn’t say...but still, that voice...
i will be the first to say without shame or fear that my quiet whisper turned angry stranger has almost gotten the better of me on a few several occasions these past few months. i’ve felt my confidence, previously powerful and prevalent, dissipate to a sad shell of insecurity and shame. i’ve starred at myself in the mirror wondering who the hell i’m looking at. i’ve questioned what i’m even still doing here - what am i adding to the world at this point? the person i was five years ago that i once saw as a stain on my story now feels like a main character in my current series. she lingers like a ghost in the backdrop of a dramatic movie scene - always there, but sometime missed.
allowing myself to feel my emotions in general - let alone so deeply has become a dangerous game of chess - like Wizard’s Chess from Harry Potter. a simple forward movement of a small pawn turns into a potentially deadly detail in the overall game.
i spent too much of my life not allowing myself to feel things. my emotions were inconvenient and i treated them like nuisances. imagine a gnat, if you will... the moment a memory made itself known, it went through Yzma’s five-step plan to killing Kuzco (her method of madness has become my alter ego for eliminating excess stress). i would turn it into something harmless before putting it in an imaginary box and then putting that box inside another box, allow it really come to me before destroying it with an unnecessarily large mallet. that was my solution...and it “worked” for a majority of my existence. and then, Jesus...
literally. Jesus happened. scripture acknowledges that my entire existence would consist of trials and tribulations (John 16:33), but Jesus has overcome the world. the moment i let the Light of the World into my life fully, everything changed. did the trials decrease? absolutely not; in fact, they increased. but so did my ability to combat them.
i found (and by found, i mean i recognized Jesus as the reason behind the good things in my life) the Lord in early high school. i often treated Him like an old friend that i stayed in shallow contact with - calling on Him when it was relevant/necessary, but never having a true relationship. over the course of a few years a relationship developed and became tangible, and i was more willing to defend my old friend against new ones who slandered His name or hated Him despite not knowing Him. i recognized how important and influential that old friend was, and how desperate i was for His presence in my everyday life.
i’m not saying i don’t have Yzma moments now and then...that alter ego of conflict resolution lives rent-free in my mind and heart and sometimes i don’t have the strength patience to evict her. on one such night my tenant filed a noise complaint and the easiest way to handle it was to just turn the music down and function through the silence (if you know me even casually, you know i hate silence).
Jesus had no part of that. He very loudly and very unapologetically spoke through another tenant in the building singing:
“You will never leave - Your love was sustaining me before i even knew what love was. You brought me here to rest and gave me space to breathe...so i’ll stay here until it sinks in. i will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father; i’ll breathe deep and know that it is good - He’s a love like no other.”
*via Lean Back by Capital City Worship if you want to hear it for yourself*
the lyrics dripped into the cracks of my poorly constructed emotional walls like moisture on a rainy day. the walls promptly fell - and so did i. in the best way.
no longer was i willing to ignore the emotions God had created me to feel. no longer was i able to hold back the tears my stubborn heart forced me to hold back. no longer was i wanting to be isolated and work on myself in solitude.
every possible reason for me to be unworthy rushed to my heart trying to convince me the words i was hearing were lies - the enemy works harder than anyone or anything to make us doubt who whose we are.
my stubborn heart came up with probably a hundred reasons i did not deserve the love that God has to give - i desperately tried to convince Him why He made a mistake - He picked the wrong person; the sins i had committed were to severe; i am a burden and a pain to love; there are so many others that need Him more than me; i had done too much to be salvaged...
in the sweetest, smallest, most sincere voice i heard the word: “regardless.”
regardless of my sins - i am worthy.
regardless of my personal agenda - i am loved.
regardless of my perceived self-worth - i am cherished.
regardless of my ability to understand appreciate it - i am wanted.
worthy // loved // cherished // wanted
if you’re reading this - first off, thank you for indulging in my personal account of metaphors and feelings; but more than anything, thank you for being you. thank you for continuing reading your own novel when it feels hard unnecessary. thank you for smiling through the struggle, inspiring others to keep reading their novels. all i can say to you is: keep going. keep reading. keep inspiring.
you’re worthy. i love you, dear brother/sister. may the grace of the Lord be with your spirit.