CSA Survivor

Hey I'm Lia.... PTSD, CSA, BPD, Depression, Anxiety, EDNOS... basically I am a hot mess. Starting this blog as a way to anonymously express my feelings towards my childhood trauma. Always willing to listen, feel free to message me any time, my ask is always open. As long as we're breathing, we are winning. 

[csasurvivorthings]

hey lia, hope you're fine.

i was having sex with my boyfriend and i had a thought like "i would not be able to get out of his arms even i wanned to" in kind of a romantic way (?) and then everything went sideways because i remembered the abuse that happened to me some years ago. so i asked him to stop and he did.

then now, a week after it happened, i was asking him to forgive me, that i have no control over this memories (ptsd) and that this had never happened during sex before, and he said he need to think about it (?) that he was not ok with me remembering "other dudes" during sex (?????)

i explained to him i did not remember "other dude" but i did remember a violence that happened to me long ago but he insists that it was "other dude". he's kinda jealous, so perhaps he's being jealous in a weird toxic way? please give me your opinion

Hi Friend! So terribly sorry that this got lost in my ask box, hope you are still active on bere @cloudy-over-the-sea ❤️ So sorry you experienced this! Definitely sounds like toxicity to me, I would approach with caution. Sending you so much love for peace and healing ❤️ #metoo

[deadlypoetacademia]

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[csasurvivorthings]

Hey friends, sorry it's been so long. I started working a new job and have been more than a bit overwhelmed, but we are hanging in!

Came to express something sitting on me recently. Every week, I go to get massages, and it's been helping me with muscle tension as well physical contact and touch. I usually avoid physical contact with men due my previous trauma, it makes me really uncomfortable. But when I was looking to get a massage in less than 24 hours, he could fit me in so I gave it a try and I don't regret it. At 3 weeks I started unclasping my bra to work my back, at 4-6 weeks I started taking it off and trusting he wouldn't move the sheet off me (which he hasn't). I started off wearing capris leggings, which then turned into spandex shorts. Last week I couldn't find my spandex shorts, so I wore my athletic shorts. I didn't think it'd be a problem, but once we were actually started I realized normally I have a barrier between my legs and his hands, and with wearing my looser athletic shorts, when he was working my legs his hand was under the hem of my shorts. I really struggle with asserting boundaries because I feel like it's insulting, like I'm assuming he'd do something to hurt me.

This week I was nervous, but I tolerated it. Then my brain started spinning, because when he touched my inner thigh, I could feel the scarring from my previous self harm. And the level of shame I felt, because I wasn't sure if he could feel it too, or if he was judging me for it. My logical brain knows he probably wasn't, but then it got me thinking that any relationship I ever get into, first I'll need to get past my fear of physical touch and intimacy, and then I have to hope they won't notice, or care, that I have self harm scars on my thighs and stomach and breasts. I dreamed of a day where I wouldn't need to disclose my trauma in relationships, but that's feeling harder and harder to get to.

It's humiliating to me that it's been 20 years and I still want to melt into myself. That I don't even want to tell random people anonymously what happened. That I have so many weird triggers that it even affects friendships. To any of my trauma peeps who may have words of advice of how to get past this, I'd greatly appreciate it. Feel free to send anonymous ask messages. Because I feel so stuck.

[traumasurvivors]

Something a lot of people say in regards to a trauma survivor feeling damaged is “you aren’t damaged” and some of the time, that’s what they want to hear.

But I’m speaking to those that don’t want to hear that. Those that genuinely feel damaged. Those that believe with everything they are damaged. And I’ll tell you that it’s okay to be damaged! It doesn’t change your value. It doesn’t mean you can’t heal or have a good life. It’s okay if you’re always a bit damaged, even when you do heal.

For me, I feel damaged. I know I’m damaged. But I’ve also learned that it’s okay and I’m still worthy and can still enjoy life and heal.

[csasurvivorthings]

i really hope you’re doing well!! i really appreciate ur account, u always seem to know what to say. thankful for how you manage to shed a positive light on such a harsh topic.. sending you love and positivity ❤️🍃🍄

Thank you so much 💜 Sending you love and light! I am doing better every day :)

[csasurvivorthings]

I love you. You deserve love and peace.

You guys make my heart so happy thank you 🥹 I couldn't do this healing journey without all of you and your support! Feel free to message me anytime I wish you love and peace too 🥰

[csasurvivorthings]

TW: TRAUMA/CSA

I am so sorry I have been so inactive.

I really felt like things were getting better. I have started opening up to my therapist and letting her help me. I've let my Dietitian know how my trauma has been affecting my anorexia. I've been working with a pelvic floor therapist and massage therapist on pelvic floor spasms and muscle tightness. These are all things that are really hard for me, but I've been doing it. I have problems with physical contact with males since I was young and my traumatic event happened. Having a male massage therapist was such a big step for me. I've been working with him for about five months. This week, I started getting jumpy and being more sensitive to his touch. And it's nothing inappropriate. He mainly works my back and shoulders and neck. I stay completely dressed from waist down and he's okay with that. It took me a whole month to progress to the point of removing my bra while he works my back and shoulders. Even though I'm laying on my stomach and he can't see anything, it has still made me very uncomfortable and nervous. He has been a complete gentleman with asking for permission before moving his hands to new areas and giving warning before changing which muscles he's working. I never told him I had trauma, but he probably picked up on it from my unwillingness to completely undress and extreme modesty. The last two sessions when I've been more jumpy he's tried to talk it out with me, asking if I need to take a break or if there's something that would be more helpful. After my most recent session, he told me its completely normal for a body to shake or jump if it's trying to release trauma when someone is growing more comfortable around a person. He said that it doesn't scare him, and he wants me to feel safe that I don't need to feel defensive. It scared the shit out of me that he could identify I have trauma without me saying it, but I really want to give my body a chance to release tension and heal.

Then, tonight, I woke up after wetting the freaking bed. For the first time in almost six years. And I can't even express the amount of shame I felt waking up in my wet sheets. Like everyone would know. That I'm a damaged, broken person who wets the bed like an infant. I want to tell my therapist, but I feel like I can't. It is mortifying. And it's easier to tell a bunch of random people online who don't actually know me then it is to tell the person trying to help me heal. And I feel like such a fraud. Because I work as a therapist, and encourage my clients to be open and not feel shame, that I won't judge them. Yet here I am afraid to talk to my therapist. So I just wanted to put it put here as a test run. Get the words out of my mouth to see if I can show myself it isn't that scary to open up to my therapist when I see her Monday.

[remanence-of-love]

[csasurvivorthings]

I'm proud of you. Keep going.

Guys I appreciate all of you so much. Messages in my ask box like these seriously keep me going. I appreciate you all so much ❤️

[csasurvivorthings]

TW: SELF HARM

I've been clean for 1,770 days. And right now I'm laying in bed staring at my nail clippers on my nightstand and thinking of how good it would feel to take them to my wrists. I'm hurting so, so much, and I'm disgusted at how much I want to do it.

I've been dealing with chronic health issues for the past several years. And I finally have the opportunity to get a treatment that may eliminate all of my symptoms. And my work denied me medical leave and laid me off.

I'd worked this job for four months. I've given it every ounce of my being. And they don't appreciate me at all. And now I feel so worthless, like I'm less than nothing, and I want to feel physical pain in place of the emotional. I can't keep living like this. I don't want to live like this. And right now I don't want to live at all.

[csasurvivorthings]

Does just being groomed count as csa?

Disclaimer, I am not a professional or a know-all, but in my opinion If it feels like a trauma and you're a child and there is sexual activity involved, yes absolutely considered CSA. Groomed is considered childhood sexual assault if you're underage. Iam so sorry you experienced that. Sending all the love and healing your way <3

[csasurvivorthings]

hi lovely, i just wanted to say that i am SO PROUD OF YOU FOR ALL YOUR RECOVERY YOU ARE DOING SO WELL AND I AM SO DUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you so so much <3 Means the world!! You're too sweet!!!

[csasurvivorthings]

Slowly realizing I will never be good enough for anybody.

[csasurvivorthings]

[csasurvivorthings]

So today I had an appointment with my primary care physician and she told me that I need to go to the dermatologist for a skin check. I find this to be more terrifying than an OBGYN appointment. At least in the OBGYN there is a sheet covering my legs so I don't see what is going on during an exam. I hate people seeing my body. And I've gone this long managing to never get a skin check. I had a meltdown when my OBGYN did a breast exam, and it literally lasted 30 seconds. I don't know how I can manage to sit over ten minutes in a paper gown with my full body exposed. So yeah. These are just little things that people with trauma have a super hard time with.

[csasurvivorthings]

In 2014, I cried when graduating high school. I cried because I hadn't planned to live past high school, and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. Everything was so overwhelming.

Now, in 2021, I cried when graduating college, but for a whole other reason. I cried because while it was the end of something special, it was the start of something amazing: the rest of my life, doing what I love.

If you had told 2014 me what she would accomplish in college, she wouldn't believe you.

Today I graduated Summa Cum Laude with my BSW.

I can honestly say that I wouldn't change anything about my college experience, and hold no regrets. So thankful for all the supports in my life, and while I am sad this chapter is ending, I am thrilled to see what the sequel will hold.