CSA venting

TW: CSA, COCSA, NCCSA, incest, trafficking, grooming, RAMCOA, other abuse We are a system.

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INACTIVE, but! Please explore the content here and use the search function. Very many questions and stories have been shared here, and I hope this can be some kind of resource <3

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We have posted/responded to the old things we had left in our inbox. We are not back however as health is still not good but we also think it isn’t good for our own healing to be constantly reading about other experiences and getting triggered every now and then.

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Um hi ! This blog is great and i appreciate the work you're putting into this and letting people talk about it without feeling. Idk. Strictly Purity? /lh

Anyways i wonder if something happened to me. Its been awhile now. But i also know i am schizophrenic, OCD and MaDD ( as well as a system ) where things could be fabricated or just exomemories.

I don't remember being raped, or assaulted to some degree. I have sent a post to certifiedsexed and they(? I'm sorry i forgot their pronouns. Feel free to correct me ) said ( LOOSELY rephrased from poor memory ) it could be but it also could just be due to me having trauma from being spanked as a kid, as that is considered (C)SA now. Which i don't doubt this at all !!!!

but also like.. when i google sexual trauma especially for kids ( i am an adult now ) it would be things that i did. I also want to add that i know that some kids do just hump/masturbate for stimulation / stimming, but like.

Some of the things:

Hump toys/pilows

Rub myself

Have very adult thoughts ( not all nsfw, like some were just fatphobic or swearing or whatever. This one is bizzare and weird to me because my parents ( or other family members ) Never watched or read or said anything extreme or gross around me. My dad isn't the type to have porn magazines and so on and so fourth. I'm sure he did watch south park or family guy sometimes but he or mom would change channels quickly. )

I was pretty much isolated due to reasons i dont want to get into out of fear. I DID go to places sometimes but i was home schooled. I went to the store, park and church ( not against my will ). So i don't have a "suspect" because i really really don't think it was either of my parents even if they are bad, i dont think thats something they would do as they havent even shown signa of doing it again. I dont think it was a family member tbh.

Some things when searching that i relate to:

Pelvic or lower back pain thats random and unrelated to period cramps

Feeling your pelvic flooring

I can't remember for sure but either full back pain or scoliosis ( which i do have both )

anxiety about random spaces ( for me its windows and closets specificly. Yeah i was afraid of under my bed like all kids but the closets and windows scared the shit out of me )

Feeling "empty" down there

Sexual problems growing up or in general ( its not my fault but it did lead me to engaging in stuff that led to online SA and Sexual harassment ). And now that i have a real healthy relationship sex is even more scary due to the healthy-ness of it.

Hyper aware of genitalia

Like i don't remember it. I dont. It bothers me so bad. I want to remember so i can heal properly. But i dont know anything or what they look like.

I dont even know if my parents know.

I cant help but wonder if it happened in my sleep.

Thank u!!

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just realized my ex (who faked multiple disorders but one of them being DID) did in fact assault us aside from just the stereotypical SA.

He pretended to be someone else to sleep with us. Lying to your partner about who you are so that they say yes to you is still SA.

I can't process rn like holy shit

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I dont really know if it is CSA but when i was like 10 or so my grandfather made sexual comments about my body something like "your boobs are so cute and small" and my mom was next to me and she said nothing so.

That does count as CSA yes

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anyone else who was groomed through the internet ever get scared to talk about what happened anywhere because. there still out there what if they know its you and find you again and figure out how to hurt you again. or even worse what if they decide it 'wasnt that bad' and 'expose you for lying'. idk im just scared

Yes.

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child on child sexual abuse feels so weird looking back on it. i hate them so much but also im so scared for them. i hope theyre okay now. but also i kind of want them to hate themself forever for what they did to me

Same!!

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/tw

Getting raped, pregnant, and miscarrying twice was certainly... an experience.

(I wanna kms why did this happen to me)

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Recently I've been thinking about how I was always a easily manipulated kid and i was a bit "doomed" to experience sexual abuse.

A more explicit example of this was when i was a kid i used to like the mogeko castle game and used to think the characters who rape and constantly verbally assault the main character were cute and I thought to myself I would let them do it to me.

I also had a bunch nonsexual memories regarding this topic, of me putting my own feelings aside to please others.

I always see in both media and people online joking around mean girls in school taking advantage of the nerdy girls with low self stem and how it is "toxic yuri" "toxic homoerotic friendships" or "codependent friendships" like this are a staple part of the queer experience but... it's depressing </3 i can't laugh knowing those were the first instances of me being bound to experience more kinds of abuse.

Idk I'm sorry, i just wanna see if anyone else relates to this feeling of looking at your younger self and seeing warning signs of being "bound to be abused (more)"

Yes.

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I don't know if he SA'D me I feel like my memory's blocking it

Not uncommon at all with memory issues in this area

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I want to be hurt again. I don't know why. Why would I want this?

It’s familiar and our brains like familiarity. We can also get some sense of affirmation from it in a bit of an odd way.

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i always feel like my trauma isn't enough because my memory is just.. so blurry. I'm constantly scared around my grandmother, and I have made multiple nightmares about her being on top of me and I do have vague memory of being naked in front of her but I cannot remember the reason. I just wanna feel valid, at least know what actually happened

Memories being blurry can actually be an indication of trauma

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i don't remember anything. i never even suspected this until a couple of months ago. but i have a part who believes we were sexually abused and the more i think about it the more it makes sense. i kind of wish i could remember, just so i could have answers, but i know i'm not in a place to process that right now. i feel like i don't have a right to claim this community because i don't actually know if it happened.

You are very welcome here even if unsure or “just exploring” if that might be the case

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https://www.tumblr.com/csaventing/773157135668363264/does-it-count-as-grooming-if-someonealmost?source=share anon here. uh. just remembered that they showed me pornagraphic content of media we liked so we could "joke about it" and something about that feel like it takes it up a level somehow? i feel gross.

Yeah, that is not appropriate of them.

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people can say im not dirty a million times but i still am. its not my fault but the handprints stick to me and rot off my flesh andburn their way back in no matter how many baths and showers i take i need to crawl out of my skin outside of this body they perceived me in until they couldnt recognize me again if they met me

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i feel so ashamed that the abuse was from a sibling instead of a parent or gaurdian. obviously i dont wish i was abused by a parent, but i cant help but feel so alone in my experience. it feels like more responsibility for it is on me because he was only 3 years older, we were kinda equals, both children. i should have stopped him, i couldve.

It is not your fault that he chose to do what he did.

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I just wish I could stop crying over what he did to me

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