searching for something i can't reach

——— ❝WHY can’t i do the things i want to do? there’s so much i know i’m C A P A B L E of that i never actually do. WHY is that ?❞ IMOGEN STONE, 21

[ctrlimogen-blog]

beckettmasterson:

Beckett’s eyes were finally brought away from the movie and down to the girl right beside him. Of course, it was breaking every defense that he had build up over the time. This was his girl. This waas his biggest weakness. This was Imogen and the girl he knew he was meant to be with. How could he possibly continue to act so stubborn when he felt so weak? “Im?”, he whispered, his voice giving away the weakness that he was currently feeling. “Please tell me this is it…please tell me you’re not going back to him”, he whispered, moving to clutch her tighter to his chest. “I can’t watch him do this again, I’ll kill him Imogen. I already want to.”

Imogen’s heart was full right now, spilling over, despite the horrific events of the night. That was the effect that Beckett had on her, the effect that he had on almost anyone he encountered. It was hard not to love him and Imogen wasn’t counting herself out — she was never more sure of her feelings than right now. A small hand cradled his cheek, a sliver of the comfort he had shown her. “I’m never going back to him, Beck. And you’re stuck with me now, I hope you know that.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

His eye rolled effortlessly, cheek coming to rest down on the top of her head. Though Beckett was watching the movie, he was focused on her. He was hyperaware of her every move, her every breath, and the very things he had always loved about her. It was driving him crazy how far they had fallen after everything, because of him. She was supposed to be his, Imogen had been Beckett’s for much longer than her relationship to Greyson. It angered him, and it saddened him at the same time. “Well, you’re always welcome to it. It’s not like I’m breaking down Lush for bath bombs for my bath. I use the shower”, he mused out loud, unable to avoid the thoughts of possibly joining her in one of those baths. His hands ghosted over her skin, tracing the outlines from the forming bruises.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Imogen had never been really been religious, had never put much faith in something she couldn’t see. Especially after her mother died and everything seemed to fall to the wayside. But there was some sort of proof for her now in the form of the man sitting beside her. He had saved her in more ways than one and in more ways than they could probably fathom. Thoughts danced through her head and almost culminated in words: about him and her putting his bath tub to use. But she settled for taking his larger hand in his gently and kissing the roughened knuckles softly. 

[beckettmasterson-blog]

No matter how mad he was or how hard it was to move past everything that had happened between them recently, Becket was not someone who let others suffer in silence. Especially not the people he truly loved and if there was anyone on this list it was Imogen. His arms tightened around her small figure, lips pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head. “I know you can”, he finally whispered, more as an acknowledgement that she was stronger than most and if anyone could get through this it was her. But it wasn’t something she would be alone for.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

The kiss he pressed to the top of her head made the tension seep out of her bones, like he was something magical. And he was, to her at least. He always had been — it had just taken too long for her to embrace that fact. “Beckett...” Hazel eyes found their match and the words were knocked out of her, breathless as his gaze landed on hers. There was so much she wanted to say and so much that she didn’t know how to express. “I can actually stretch out in your bathtub,” she finally spoke, the corners of her lips softening and stretching upwards. “So I’ll be coming over to steal it all the time, fair warning.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

So many times had he sat in this couch and watched the Sandlot. It was one of those that just never got old and one that he would never get sick of. It was his feel good and go to movie. So when she pointed the fact out, Beckett’s head lulled in extra dramatic fashion. “If you’re going to insult this movie I think we’re really going to have a problem here and I have no problem sitting on you”, he threatened playfully. it was going to take time for him to forgive her, but he could never really be mad or shut her out. His eyes lingered on her for a minute before he shushed Alfie away, leaving his arms open for her. “Come here.’

[ctrlimogen-blog]

This was more familiar, it even felt like home. A movie they had watched a thousand times was background noise and his smile was pulling her in like it always had. “Have you seen these muscles, Beck? I can take it.” His open arms almost seemed like a blessing after everything that happened that night and she gladly moved into them, nestling her smaller body against his chest.  

[beckettmasterson-blog]

Beckett had done what he could and what he had to do in order for this to seem like it was okay. It would be a lie to say that he wasn’t still mad and still hurt at the even remote possibility of all that could of been. They could of been magic together, but right now it just felt like he was the option that was left over after everything else had been eliminated. But she was still more important to him than any other person had ever been in his life. He looked back to Imogen as she entered the room, he had since returned to the night he was having prior to her arrival. His movie was back on, the food was being warmed in the microwave, and Alfie was back on the couch. “There’s extra food if you’re hungry”, he offered quietly, fingers coasting through his dog’s hair.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Imogen felt like she was being torn in a million different directions and more than anything she wished her mother was here to plant a kiss to the top of her head and tell her what to do. But it was just her now and she had to deal with the mess she had made. “I’m not hungry — thanks though.” Part of Imogen wanted to bolt but she forced herself to move forward and sit on the couch, Alfie safely planted between them, and a small smile played on her lips. The first one all night. “You’ve seen this a million times. Aiming to break the world record for most views of one movie in a lifetime?”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

While Imogen took advantage of that time alone he had given her, Beck moved towards fixing the room he had destroyed. He brought the coffee table back to it’s original spot. He also had time to console Alfie, who had become visibly upset at the outbreak of his owner along with the tension in the girl he had come to love as well. Beck’s eyes peered up from the curled up dog to Imogen, an audible sigh slipping through tired lips. “My sweatshirt and shorts are on the edge of my bed”, was the answer he had for her. It was ridiculous for her to think she was going to spend the night anywhere else besides here. Pushing himself up, Beckett was still practically silent, extra careful not to betray his own thoughts. “Now go get into something warm and comfortable, Alfie would feel a lot better if you just stayed tonight.”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Everything had been put back into its regular spot when Imogen stepped through the double doors — like the night had happened. She wished that she could do the same, that she could wipe the slate clean on everything. But she had pushed Beckett away and the marks of what Grayson had done to her were still visible on pale skin. A simple nod was directed at him and a whispered ‘thank you’ as she turned to go back into his room. His sweater and shorts were huge on her, almost falling off, but they smelt like him and that was a huge comfort. “Anything for Alfie,” she finally responded as she moved quietly back into his living room, a whisper of a smile on her lips as she leaned against the doorframe.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Words could never fully express how grateful she was for him; not just in this moment but in general. Instead, she stayed quiet as she slipped out of her dress and waited for him to leave the room before she stripped down. Imogen slipped underwater, losing count of how long she was in there for. The tears came later, after the shock had worn off, after the horror of what the man she used to love had done to her. All these years, Imogen had just absorbed Grayson’s pain until she was used up, until she couldn’t do it anymore. And even that had not been enough. Eventually, she drew herself out of the tub, wrapping the towel tightly around her, wet hair gathered over a shoulder. “I don’t have to stay,” she spoke softly after she had padded back into the living room. Imogen didn’t want to be alone but she also didn’t want to be the reason pain lingered in his eyes. He deserved better than that. 

[ctrlimogen-blog]

A wave of appreciation rushed over Imogen. He wasn’t apologizing or trying to fill the air with empty words and she was more grateful than she could ever express. The moments that he was gone were the worst for her and she allowed her eyes to droop quickly, squeezing them shut for a moment before allowing herself to relax. It’s not your fault. The gesture of the bath, the fact that he was even still letting her stay after she hurt him was so indicative of who he was that hot tears sprang to her eyes for a moment. She turned her back to him, shaking hands moving to clutch the fabric of her dress at the front. “Can you unzip me?” Suddenly, she was self conscious of the bruises that scattered across her back and chest, the mark across her face but she knew she could trust him. He might be the only one at this point.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Imogen had only ever seen Beckett like this a few times, and one of those times had been his altercation with Grayson in this very apartment. But unlike a few hours ago, when her ex boyfriend’s hands had been gripping at her throat, she didn’t feel scared. Her heart was aching for him, angry with herself for causing him pain and equal parts devastated by the look on his face. Rough thumbs were caressing the soft skin of her wrists and she took it as small sign of forgiveness for now. A small hand reached out carefully to tip his chin up gently so that he could look her in the eyes. “I’m never going back to him.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

Beckett had to step away from Imogen as she confirmed something that he had been dreading for months now. “Just hold that to your face, please”, he whispered voice clearly straining to remain calm. But he was far from calm. Hr wanted to drive to the damn stupid apartment and throw a rope around Grayson’s neck before dragging him through the street. He deserve nothing but pain and suffering for what he did to Imogen. But he knew that Imogen would not want that and did not need that after all the violence that she just experienced. But the rage coursed through him. Beck moved quickly into the living room, pacing back and forth for a total of a few moments before ultimate that was not enough. The tall male threw the coffee table across the room with a large grunt.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Imogen pressed the ice pack to her face gingerly, pain coursing through her relentlessly. It was a lie — she remembered everything about what had happened. The memory of Grayson menacingly stepping towards her and then his hands reaching out to grab her neck was too vivid and if she reached a hand up, she was sure she could trace the marks outlining pale skin. But she didn’t want to upset Grayson more and the coffee table that had just ricocheted across the way was indication enough. “Beck..” She rested the ice pack on the counter, scrambling to get across to him. “Hey,” she murmured, her hands moving to his face, trying to get him to look her in the eye. “I’m alright.” 

[beckettmasterson-blog]

It was safe to say that Beckett had blocked that night from his memory. He had said goodbye to Cynthia before going home to beginning to clean his life of all the things he had hurt or had hurt him. it left him alone, more than he wanted to be. He had said goodbye to Cynthia because it wasn’t fair she was a rebound, one that he could no longer deny after the conversation with Imogen in the hall. But oddly enough, he started to feel better, he started to remember who he was before everything had drug him to the pits he wanted to forget. So when he heard the quiet knock the door, he didn’t know who it was coming to visit him. And he hadn’t expected what was waiting for him on the other side of the door. Beckett immediately rushed Imogen in, forgetting everything he had said and everything he wanted. Right now, he just wanted her to be okay. “What the hell happened to you?”, he asked, guiding her into the kitchen and immediately bringing a damp cloth up to her wound. There was no bad blood between them right now, because Beckett could never turn her away.

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Imogen still wasn’t sure why exactly she had ended up her. Though a part of her was screaming that she knew why, that there was a reason she was inexorably pulled to him. But none of that was making sense to her right now. Her ears were ringing and her cheek was starting to sting now, where Grayson had laid his palm swiftly. She knew she was dragging him down with her but she couldn’t move or fight him when he guided her into the kitchen, almost bursting into tears as she felt his steady grip on her.  “Grayson..” She murmured, forcing herself to speak up, forcing herself to focus. “I went to him and I told him that there was someone else, that we were over. And — and he slapped me and pushed me into the wall. I don’t remember anything else.”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

The consciousness had faded from her slowly, the last thing she remembered were Grayson’s hands around her neck and thinking that she was going to die. Blood was in her mouth when she started stirring, the taste metallic and sharp, as she groggily tried to push herself up. A groan escaped her lips as she tried to get her bearings about her, only barely noticing the crimson scattered on the floor and trailing from a cut on her cheek. The night was hazy, coming back to her only in small bursts as she managed to carefully and quietly push herself up and out of the bathroom, praying as she stepped over a passed out Grayson. She thought that she should be crying, should be more shaken up but the shock had settled in and she stepped out into the street, the strap of her shirt somewhere around her shoulder and her jeans unbuttoned. This was one of the moments where she wished desperately that her mother was alive. Her roommates had gone home for the summer and the one person she wanted to go to hated her. But — she found herself moving towards his place on autopilot, only realizing where she had gone the door was opening. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to go.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

Beckett was completely torn on both ends. Half of him wanted to bring Imogen into his arms and hold her close, to wipe away those tears, and tell her that everything was going to be all right. He wanted to tell her that her understood and that it was okay. But he didn’t understand and it wasn’t okay. The other half of him screamed until his throat was raw that it was time that he stood up for himself and that it was time to stop being her mat for whenever Grayson wasn’t being a boyfriend she deserved. “Really? Because it doesn’t seem that way”, he scoffed, shaking his head. “You came to me and put me in awkward and terrible situations, I thought maybe this was the moment that was finally supposed to be mine. But then you stay with him and there’s not a reason in the world that he deserves that kindness, you know that. But you still do, not giving a rats ass what it does to me. I walked into that party the next day expecting you to be with me, but you were there wrapped around him. You gave me no choice but to finally put myself first and the only reason you’re upset right now is because you’re jealous. I don’t see you making anything right or doing anything, you’re just running. I deserve more than that.”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

For so long, Imogen had gone along with whatever would make the other people in her life happy. Giving her toys up on the playground seamlessly, not saying a word as her mother missed recital after parent teacher interview and still saying nothing after she decided to stop taking the life-lengthening chemotherapy. Grayson just fit into that endless cycle of putting people first. She had never thought about it until recently — until Beckett had showed her what it meant to be put first. What she hadn’t realized was how much she had hurt him and it felt like a swift punch to her gut. The pained look in his eyes was making her want to go to him, to touch her hands to his face and take it away. But after hearing his words, after cringing when he used the words ‘awkward and terrible’, she realized that it would be the selfish decision. And the person that deserved better than that was the man standing before her. “You’re right.” The words were a whisper and she fought hard to bring the volume up, her eyes glued to his. “You’re right and I’m sorry. I’m going to deal with Grayson, I have to. And you you should go back to Cynthia — she seems good for you.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

“Don’t play dumb Imogen, you’ve known he’s been doing it and just not wanted to accept it”, he sighed shaking his head. There had been so many times that it was blatant and obvious to everyone in the room, everyone just assumed that she didn’t want to deal with it. Beckett could never deal with it, Beckett couldn’t handle the betrayal or the fact that he’d lose everything that had meant to him if he ever did anything. That was why he left every party before midnight, why he slowly began to fizzle out from the rest of the group. He didn’t like the atmosphere of betrayal and denial. “And don’t turn this around because you know that he’s doing it, fuck you walked in on it. Then you came to be, got your nights full, and went back to him. So yeah, no one told you, but now there’s no denying that you’re living a fucking lie.”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

It was like being sucker punched in the gut, or what she imagined it would feel like anyway. Her back was being pressed into the rough brick of the wall now but she couldn’t feel it through the haze of alcohol and the pain that was pounding in her chest. He was right about most of it — deep down she had known that Grayson was cheating, had walked right into it. But the part about getting her fill and leaving with no qualms was untrue and it made anger course through her. But instead of screaming like she wanted to, at herself, at Grayson, at all of it — hot tears filled her eyes. She allowed the tears to course down her cheeks now, choosing to stay silent in case he thought this was a play for a pity. She stayed silent except for two small words: “you’re wrong.” And now, a little louder, hands wiping shakily away at the streaks on her face. “You’re wrong to think that’s all you are to me.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

Beckett couldn’t help but chuckle, shaking his head exhaustedly. “Imogen, do me a favor and please tell me a single thing he’s done for you in the past four years that has earned him the right for you to sacrifice your happiness?”, he asked, turning back to face her and unable to really get what it was she was thinking. “You can Imogen, don’t try to push the lie you so deeply believe off on me. You can be with me but you picked to stay with him. You picked the easy route of not breaking up with the guy who has done nothing but use you for sex and cheat on you when you didn’t get it because you’re scared”, he pointed out, unable to help the fact that his voice was raising. “So forgive me that I didn’t wait around for someone who yet again didn’t put me before the heartless bastard..”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

Imogen’s mouth opened and closed again seamlessly, her brain frantically scanning through all the things that Grayson had done to deserve the endless chances she had given him. But nothing was coming up, her mind was an absolute blank. Something else was bubbling up inside of her now: a rare sense of rage that was making her vision blur at the edges. “How many times did he do it? How many times did he cheat and then come to kiss in front of all of you?” Her voice was cracking now and the hot sting of tears was blurring her vision as she took a few shaky steps towards him. “How many times, Beckett? How many and no one told me.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

Beckett was a generally level headed guy and the only time he really had lost his temper was when Grayson threw that punch. That felt like days ago, before everything happened and when it was still light between them. But this, now, he couldn’t help but let his temper flare up. “You know what, Imogen. Don’t punish me for your decision. I told you what I wanted and how I felt, but you stayed with the douchebag that cheated on you instead of with me. I worshiped you that night just like I would of ever night and day we were together, but that wasn’t enough for you. So don’t get mad at me for you regretting your choice.”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

His words made Imogen freeze, rooted to the spot that she was standing in. Part of her wanted to bolt so that she wouldn’t have to face any of this but the part of her that was conflicted and screaming at her to stay was stronger. “We didn’t talk about it, Beckett. I left and Grayson was sitting on his steps waiting and I just — I don’t know. With all the stuff his mom is going through, I couldn’t leave him alone.” It was the thing that always tripped Imogen up: this guilt that she felt tying herself to Grayson, as if she owed him something when that was the farthest thing from the truth. “All you I want to do is be with you, Beckett. But I can’t.”

[beckettmasterson-blog]

Beckett wasn’t sure how to feel or what to feel when Imogen admitted she was purposely trying to get away from him. The truth in the matter was that she had no reason to try and hide from him and his date, not when she was the one who picked the cheater over him. He shook his head, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. He didn’t know what he was doing out here, but it was natural to make sure that she was okay. “I was making sure you were okay, but something tells me you want me to just leave you alone”, he sighed, turning back from her and facing the door to the party once more. “Someone has to, after all.”

[ctrlimogen-blog]

“I don’t want you to leave me alone. That’s my problem.” Her words were louder than she intended, the alcohol amplifying the tone that she had meant to keep to herself. His own words took her by surprise and she looked over to his tall figure. Beckett had turned away from her and suddenly she was glad he couldn’t see her face. What Beckett was saying wasn’t wrong but it stung nonetheless and she rested back against the wall roughly. “Don’t worry about me.”