Sometimes it really upsets me that so much of my generation constitutes of people who donāt feel like they belong or have the duty of doing something above themselves, for a purpose for the collective good of society. Theyāre all too busy getting high and drinking out of their minds, which of course is fine in itās own right as occasional recreation, but I donāt understand how anyone can not be fully cognizant and present when there is so much to get done and do.Ā
I donāt know. I just wish I had more friends who recognize the need for more social justice, activism, and action for the greater good.Ā
Can we talk about how I wrote this a couple of years ago, and now I work in an environment fully immersed in pushing global good at a billion person scale, because I can hardly believe it reading this in retrospect.
the state or being of womanhood is something Iāve been thinking ever since I came back from being abroad in Denmark and witnessing its many manifestations but it really stood out the most to me when I met Lucia who was so unapologeticallyĀ herself while also completely owning her sexuality and leveraging it in ways that moved with her with a grace and presence that I donāt think I could ever capture through words. and Iām just rattling off here, but I think I feel much more like a woman in new york, alone, without eyes of peers or friends for some reason. Because the growth of being an awkward college freshman to that of someone who feels comfortable in her skin and flaws (as much as I possibly can) is such a different persona than to also carry that baggage (which i mean, itās still me, but one Iād rather forget).Ā
womanhood is specific to each personāwhat i do that makes me feel like a woman/womyn is completely different from what someone else would defineĀ it as.Ā
to me, womanhood is:Ā
wearing risque lingerie on the inside and dressing like a pilgrim on the outsideĀ
letting my hair out of a bun after a long day at work
wearing comfortable heels and standing tallĀ
having a skincare routine that actually worksĀ
smelling niceĀ
speaking eloquently and evocativelyĀ
having a vanity table (thereās something about the arrangement of makeup and jewelry together thatās so satisfying for some reason)
taking space, turning heads, and demanding attention through intellect
telling apart boys from menĀ
being on topĀ
wanting sex whenever I want itĀ
being charmingĀ
embracing vulnerabilityĀ
spending an hour in the shower and having a cold beer afterwardsĀ
being blunt
rejecting anyone and anything that attempts to put me in theĀ āgrayā and ambiguous area of life
Again. You are doing this again. Again, you are making me feel as if I could seduce you, love you, lose myself inside your fantastic āIā forever. Again, this desperate aliveness, alertness. And you. Not āyou and meā ā merelyyou; this is all you. You are making this happen: you are excelling at this. You are causing this and you are owning this. Volcanic you are ā you. Fuck you for that. Thank you for that.
Henry Miller, from a letter to AnaĆÆs Nin featured in A Literate Passion: Letters Of AnaĆÆs Nin & Henry Miller (1932 - 1953)
I got asked out on a date by a guy who looked like Jeff Staple (but wasnāt) while transferring trains on the subway. I was so surprised that I went into flight mode and said I had a boyfriend (no such person exists), to which he respondedĀ āHeās a lucky guy.ā and he quickly scurried away (he seemed a little nervous before asking, but it was in a totally sweet way).Ā
Anyway, Iām severely kicking myself in the head about reacting the way I did because I know I do this all the time and itās probably why Iāve been single forever. And maybe Tinder is just my way of attempting to break the mold, but really Iām just scoping people out and not really taking chances.Ā
what the fuck is modern dating, i donāt understand any of it.Ā
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