full day of classes today - media & society in the morning and culture by design in the evening. me hannah and paige (and sheila? i think?) all have these classes together - which is lit.
media & society is taught by a man named Moe who looks like steven tyler and makes absolutely no sense, but is nevertheless obviously very brilliant. he was one of the pioneers in making media & society a field of study. he took us to the russell square cafe and then on a walk around all of the nearby educational buildings and campuses.
next was culture by design with J. J is a JMU alumni who actually completed this program when he was in school. he brought us to Camden Market and wow. like just wow?? no words. it was the coolest place ever with all these edgy shops and decorations and a tattoo/piercing place lived on every corner. the market itself was overwhelming and amazing. there were rows and rows of food stands with cuisine from all over the world. i got food from a venezuelan food truck that made fried cornbread stuffed with plantain, pico de gallo, black beans, sour cream, and lettuce. it was freakin amazing.
jacob texted me to see if i wanted to go with him and anton and anton’s roommate who is apparently the manager at a pub, to said pub. i agreed and brought sheila and paige along with me (of course).
by the time we got to wherever-the-fuck anton lives, he had apparently decided he needed a nap. so he texted jacob and sent us to a nearby bar called alice house. we all hung out there for a while and got some (pricey) drinks, just chatting and laughing and having a good time. after a while though, it became apparent that anton was never going to show up.
jacob started getting anxious. he drank a lot and took dozens of smoke breaks. me sheila and paige were worried for him, so we decided to ask him if he wanted to go somewhere else and party and get fucking drunk as hell. i went outside alone to find jacob smoking. i didn’t say anything. i didn’t really need to address it.
“what do you want to do?” i asked, knowing that we both were perfectly aware that he had just been stood up.
jacob didn’t answer right away. he just started talking.
he does that sometimes, i’ve noticed. he just talks. he doesn’t care if you’re even really listening, but he just has so much going on in that brilliant mind of his all the time that sometimes he needs to just get it out. so i listen.
he tells me how much he trusts me and what good friends we are and how close and comfortable he feels with me. then he describes to me the kind of person he wants to date and the relationship he wants to have with them. it is, essentially, the same list.
finally, jacob says: “i want to get fucking wasted” and i want that for him, too
we go back to g-a-y because it’s what jacob wants and all we want is to cheer him up. on the walk there, arm in arm, he tells me more about himself and his life and how hard it is for people to understand him. i tell him i’m doing my best and i think he really believes me.
he yells at a drunk man on the way. i tell him that he’s self-destructive and he seems to think about that for a while.
little did i know how right i was and what the rest of the night would bring.
within minutes of getting into the club, jacob and i began to dance and make out (as we do) and I'm fucking living for it. he makes me feel like I'm so alive and electric but its so comfortable it the same time. it’s only the second time but it’s already so familiar, being with him.
he talks to me and trusts me and i listen and support him and kiss him and he tells me I'm perfect. simple as that. perfect. me. no one has ever called me perfect before.
“except i’m not a guy, right?” i joke. jacob gives me a funny look and shakes his head vehemently.
“no! no not at all - i told you that I'm into attractive people, and you’re the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.”
no one’s ever told me this before either.
so i believe him and i kiss him and i trust him. after a while, we go outside for jacob to take a smoke break. i’m hesitant because he’s already smoked so much, so when he finishes his first cigarette i take it out of his hands.
jacob gets angry. very angry. he tells me that he doesn’t like it when people control him - that people CANT control him. i assure him that i’m only trying to help.
“you can’t make me not gay you know.”
i physically and emotionally withdraw from him. he reaches for me and pulls me back into him and kisses my face and hair telling me how beautiful i am and that if any guy ever tells me otherwise, that he’ll kill them all. i’m just confused now and upset, so i walk away from him. he meets back up with me inside and we dance and kiss like we’re normal and what we do is normal and nothing is wrong.
jacob is very obviously becoming more and more disturbingly drunk as the night goes on. sheila and paige want to go home, and honestly, so do i. so, we tell jacob it’s time to leave.
“you can leave, go with them. i’m going to stay here.”
jacob actually thinks i’m gonna leave his ass behind. i tell him that i’d never do that, and it’s a constant back and forth for almost an hour. he runs from me and kisses me to try and divert my attention and he refuses to listen to reason. i’m begging him at this point. he’s so drunk it’s like he doesn't even see me.
“jacob, you said you trust me, right? well i need you to trust me right now when i say it’s time to go home.”
“and i need you to trust me that i’m fine.” he’s slurring his words and his eyes are glazed over. the two of us are pressed forehead to forehead.
“i want to, jacob,” i tell him, my heart breaking. “but right now in this moment, i don’t. you are way too drunk -”
“too drunk?” jacob cuts me off and cups my face with both of his hands. “you think i’m too drunk right now? you think i’m too drunk to see your beautiful eyes right in front of me?”
finally, we convince jacob that it’s time to leave.
he searches his pockets and realizes that he doesn’t have his keys. we’ve already left the club and started walking home and he swears that he left them on a couch in the back. i go back by myself to find them for him, but after taking two laps around, i am sure they aren’t there.
jacob doesn’t accept that as an answer. he insists on standing out in front of the club all night, asking people as they walk out if they’ve seen his keys. it’s ridiculous and embarrassing and horrifying and he won’t stop and he won’t listen to me and i’m crying, begging him to just come home with me.
paige messages me that she and sheila couldn’t wait anymore and that they’ve gone home. jacob finally agrees to leave only because he would never let me walk home by myself.
the walk back is one of the most painful parts of the night.
we hold hands and walk down the london city streets at 3 in the morning, him yelling and ranting like a crazy person and me, staring straight ahead, tears rolling down my cheeks and a dead look in my eyes. he doesn’t sound like himself, talk like himself, act like himself. it’s terrifying.
we get back and i walk him to his room in the hopes that we’ll be able to get one of his roommates to let him in. while we’re waiting, jacob, his face in my hands, begins to cry. the most horrible, painful looking cry i’ve ever seen. like something he’s been holding back for so long was finally too much for him to hold inside.
i just hold him and whisper that everything will be alright. he tells me that nothing is alright in his life and i don’t know what to say so i just keep assuring him that everything is fine. his roommate lets him in and before I'm even downstairs to my flat, jacob is messaging me that I'm perfect and his keys were in his flat the whole time, and i break down and cry.
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, i’m scared for jacob and whatever is going on in his head, and i realize something very scary.
i love him. i must, in some way, because i spent the entire night putting him and his safety above my own. i put him first. i never put other people first, but here i was, putting myself at risk just for some guy i met a week ago. but it feels right somehow, and i can’t imagine ever leaving him behind.
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