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THE HIDDEN CITY: The Life & Times of Randall Boggs

ACT I- PROLOGUE- ''The Hidden City''

Cover Art by @queen-asante.

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💌 THE HIDDEN CITY chapter 1 is up! 💌

-> Read ACT I: Chapter 2

ACT I: Chapter 3

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With illustrations by @queen-asante.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE:

*Drum Roll*

Aaaaaaaaaand it’s here!!!!

After slaving away at this over the summer for nearly three months, it’s finally…. Here.

……. First Chapter’s under the link.]

I will be posting the first chapter here, but the rest of the chapters will be posted on @life-and-times-of-randall-boggs.]

‘’Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.’’ -Friedrich Nietzsche

ACT I

PROLOGUE— ‘’The Hidden City’’

FADE IN:

INT. STAGE- NIGHT

[The curtain rises on a semicircular stage in an arena.

We seem to be in an underground Black Box theatre in-the-round.

The performance area is enclosed by the audience on all sides. The arrangement is rarely ‘round’: more usually the seating is in a square or polygonal formation. The actors enter through aisles or vomitories between the seating. Scenery is minimal and carefully positioned to ensure it does not obstruct the audience’s view.

The stage design is integral to creating the dark, atmospheric mood that defines the show. The set is inspired by industrial aesthetics, with an emphasis on the contrast between the 1960s architecture of Monstropolis and the mechanized, corporate, post-WWII factory setting of Monsters, Inc.

The audience surrounds the stage, full of factory employees and CDA agents.

There’s a minimalist replica of the Monsters, Inc. factory on the set of the stage, built out of cardboard and painted by hand.

THE COMPANY enters and takes their places on stage. A Monster R&B Girl Group, FIRST KISS, all dressed in identical sequined costumes are seated together on stage. MR. WATERNOOSE and RANDALL BOGGS are seated together on stage. CELIA MAE and MIKE WAZOWSKI are seated together on stage. Somewhere at the back of the stage, we see the other minor players, JOHNNY WORTHINGTON, CHET ALEXANDER, JEFF FUNGUS, ABBIGAIL HARDSCRABBLE, ROZ, and the members of ROAR OMEGA ROAR and OOZMA KAPPA.

The employees of SCARE FLOOR F surround the stage and take their places.

SULLEY is the last to enter; he walks in with a guitar and surveys the scene. THE COMPANY is attentive.]

SULLEY: ‘’A’ight?’’

COMPANY: ‘’A’ight!’’

SULLEY [to the audience]: ‘’A’ight?’’

AUDIENCE: ‘’A’ight!’’

SULLEY: ‘’A’ight!!!’’

[And thus, our story begins. THE BAND plays. A blues/ jazz trumpet begins playing.]

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: This song is from the folk opera, Hadestown, a Depression-era re-telling of the Greek mythology of Orpheus and Eyrdice. This is the Act I opener song, ‘’The Road to Hell.’’ There’s two versions of the song, and I like them both, so I’m linking both.

The first one is the live version from Off-Broadway premiere of Hadestown featuring the NYTW cast from 2016.

The second version is the Tony Award winning Broadway version from 2019, it’s expanded:

I used the lyrics from the Broadway version.]

[Sulley stands in the spotlight, strumming a guitar. He is our narrator.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Mmm... 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 Mmm... 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Mmhm... 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 Mmhm... 🎵

[They mimic the sounds of a train.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Chugga chugga chugga chugga Chugga chugga chugga chugga 🎵

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵 Chugga chugga chugga chugga Chugga chugga chugga chugga 🎵

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵 Once upon a time there was a power plant

(Mmm…) Don’t ask where, brother, go out yonder

(Mmm…) It was the Hidden City, this here’s our chant

(Mmm…) It was a world of Gods... and Monsters! 🎵

[THE SCARE FLOOR begins to dance, clapping to the beat of the music.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 It’s an old song! 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s an old song! 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 It’s an old tale from way back when It’s an old song 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s an old song! 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 And we’re gonna sing it again 🎵

[spoken]: ‘’Gods and Monsters, a’ight? We got some Gods in the house tonight!’’

[The Company cheers.]

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]:

🎵 See, to the Hidden City there was a railroad line

(Mmm…) And there were three young women all dressed like this

(Mmm…) And they was always singin’ in the back of your mind

(Mmm…) Everybody meet FIRST KISS!🎵

------------

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: FIRST KISS is Randall’s favorite band when he’s a teenager. We’ll see more of them in ACT III.]

------------

[Applause, FIRST KISS step forward and bow.]

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵 And to the Hidden City there was a blood libel

(Mmm…) And a Demon of a wealthy borough

(Mmhm…) With a suitcase full of King James Bibles

(Mmm…)

Johnny Worthington, of Fear Co.! 🎵

[Applause; Johnny bows.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 And if you ride that train 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 Ride that train 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 If you ride that train 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 Ride that train 🎵

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵 If you ride that train to the end of the line

(Mmm…) Where the sun don’t shine and we’re singin’ the Blues

(Mmm…) It’s there you’ll find the King of the Mine

(Mmm…)

Almighty Mr. Waternoose! 🎵

[Applause; Waternoose bows.]

SULLEY [spoken]: ‘’We got any other Gods? Oh, right, almost forgot...’’

[sings]: 🎵 To the Hidden City there was a train running free

(Mmm…) And a man with fame’n stars in his eyes

(Mmm…)

He was talk of the town on a meteoric rise

(Mmm…)

James P. Sullivan, that’s me! 🎵 [Applause; Sulley bows.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 See, someone’s got to tell the tale Whether or not it turns out well Maybe it will turn out this time To the Hidden City

On the railroad line It’s a sad song 🎵 SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s a sad song! 🎵 SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 It’s a sad tale, it’s a tragedy It’s a sad song 🎵 SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s a sad song! 🎵 SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 We’re gonna sing it anyway 🎵

SCARE FLOOR: ‘’Wooo!!!’’

SULLEY: ‘’C’mon!’’

[sing-song]: 🎵 Now, not everyone gets to be a God And don’t forget that times are hard Hard times in the world of Monsters Let me introduce you and do the honors You can tip your hats and go scream for Brothers’n sisters, monster populace

To the hardest working Scare Floor

In bustling Monstropolis!!! 🎵 [Applause; Scare Floor F takes a bow.] SULLEY [sing-song]: 🎵 And workin’ just as hard for you Let’s see what this crew can do! 🎵

[Sulley signals THE BAND. The Scare Floor dances and cheers as THE BAND plays.] SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 🎵 [The Scare Floor applauds. Randall exits. Sulley demands everyone’s attention back to him.] SULLEY: ‘’A’ight! A’ight! A’ight!’’

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]:

🎵 To the Hidden City there was a railroad line

(Mmm…) And a young boy workin’ on a song 🎵

[Mike plays the piano.]

MIKE [sings]: 🎵 La la la la la la... 🎵 SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵 This young boy was a friend of mine And this boy was a musician’s son On the railroad line to the Hidden City

(Mmm…) You might say the boy was crowned 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 La la la la la la... 🎵 SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵’Cause he was crowned by the Jews’ community!

(Mmhm…) Give it up for Mike Wazowski! 🎵

[Applause; Mike misses the cue.]

SULLEY: ‘’Mikey!’’

[Mike turns to the audience and bows.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 There was one more soul on this road Boy, come on in from the cold! 🎵

[Randall re-enters the stage. He is wearing a trench coat and a fedora like Humphrey Bogart from the movie Casablanca (1942), and he carries a suitcase.]

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]:

🎵 On the railroad line to the Hidden City

(Mmm…) There was a young man hungry for ambition and a dream!

(Mmm…) And brother, thus begins the tale of Randall Boggs and Mike Wazowski!

(Mmm…) 🎵

[Applause; Mike and Randall bow. Sulley addresses the audience, and, perhaps, the other characters themselves.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 It’s a love song! 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s a love song! 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 It’s a tale of a love from long ago It’s a sad song 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s a sad song! 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 But we’re gonna sing it even so It’s an old song 🎵

SCARE FLOOR [sings]: 🎵 It’s an old song! 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 It’s an old tale from way back when And we’re gonna sing 🎵

SULLEY & COMPANY [sings]: 🎵 We’re gonna sing We’re gonna sing it again! 🎵

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Again! Again! Again! 🎵

[THE LIGHTS CHANGE.

The other cast members step out of the spotlight as Randall begins his song.

We enter the song world of Randall. He’s joined by the R&B Girl Group, FIRST KISS, who are his backup singers. Randall steps into the spotlight, still dressed like Humphrey Bogart, carrying a suitcase in one hand, and a job application to Monsters, Inc. in another hand.]

------------

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Since Randall’s whole character arc seems to revolve around ‘’the winds of change’’ this song seems very Randall coded.]

------------

FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 Ooooh… Ooooh… Ooooh… Ooooh… 🎵

[Sulley strums a guitar, offering folk-like narration.]

SULLEY [sing-song]: 🎵 Randall Boggs was a hungry young man A runaway from everywhere he’d ever been He was no stranger to the world No stranger to the wind 🎵 RANDALL [sings]: 🎵 The weather ain’t the way it was before Ain’t no spring or fall at all anymore It’s either blazing hot or freezing cold Any way the wind blows 🎵

[Queen, the lead singer, takes the spotlight.]

QUEEN, FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 And there ain’t a thing that (you can do) 🎵 SONYA, FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 When the weather takes a (turn on you) 🎵

FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 ’Cept for hurry up and hit the road Any way the wind blows Wind comes up Ooooh… 🎵

RANDALL [sings]: 🎵 Do you hear that sound? 🎵

FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 Wind comes up Mooove… 🎵 RANDALL [sings]: 🎵 Move to another town Ain’t nobody gonna stick around 🎵 RANDALL & FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 When the dark clouds roll Any way the wind blows 🎵 SULLEY [sing-song]: 🎵 You met FIRST KISS

Remember them? 🎵

[Randall enters the set of the Scare Floor as a first-year Rookie, still re-enacting a performance.]

RANDALL: ‘’Anybody got a match?’’ SULLEY [sing-song]:

🎵Always singing in the back of your mind 🎵 [Mike, who’s pushing around a postal mail cart, pulls out a matchbox and lights a match. Randall has his cigarette ready…. Mike lights it for him.]

RANDALL: ‘’Gimme that.’’

SULLEY [sing-song]:

🎵 Wherever it was this young man went FIRST KISS were close behind 🎵 [Randall’s hand accidentally brushes Mike’s fingers… they stop. Randall and Mike look at each other like they’re the only two people on earth.

Randall regards Mike like a complete stranger… and then it suddenly dawns on him…. He seems familiar…. As though Randall is remembering a not-so-distant past.]

RANDALL: ‘’Mike!?.... I mean…. Wazowski???’’

[Mike just blinks at him.]

MIKE: ‘’….Randy?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Nobody calls me that no more…’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh…’’

RANDALL: ‘’It’s Boggs now. Randall Boggs.’’

MIKE [it sounds foreign to him]: ‘’Randall…’’

[Mike and Randall are at a loss for words. It’s been four years since they saw each other last.

Randall is about to smoke his cigarette.

Before Randall can warm himself with his cigarette, FIRST KISS acts as the wind and blows the flame out.

The lights dim around the stage.

The world around Randall seems to stop in time…. He resumes the spotlight.]

RANDALL [sings]: 🎵 People turn on you just like the wind Everybody is a fair weather friend In the end, you’re better off alone Any way the wind blows 🎵 BRITTAIN, FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 When your body aches to (lay it down) 🎵 QUEEN, FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 When you’re hungry and there (ain’t enough to go ’round)🎵 FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 Ain’t no length to which a boy won’t go Any way the wind blows Wind comes up Ooooh… 🎵 RANDALL [sings]: 🎵 And sometimes you think 🎵 FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 Wind comes up Youuuu… 🎵

RANDALL [sings]: 🎵 You would do anything Just to fill your belly full of food Find a bed that you could fall into Where the weather wouldn’t follow you 🎵 RANDALL & FIRST KISS [sings]: 🎵 Wherever you go Any way the wind blows 🎵

[The world around Randall comes alive again. Mike, who’s been frozen in darkness, begins to move into the light. He approaches Randall.]

MIKE: ‘’Randy…. I mean… um…. Randall… it’s um… it’s good to see you again.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah?’’

[Randall gets out another cigarette from his coat pocket. Mike lights it for him.]

RANDALL: ‘’Are you always like this?’’

MIKE: ‘’Like what?’’

[Mike and Randall freeze. The spotlight shines on Sulley.]

SULLEY [sing-song]: 🎵 Now Mike Wazowski was the son of a musician And you know how those musicians are Sometimes they abandon you And this young boy, he wore his heart out on his sleeve You might say he was naïve to the ways of the world But he had a way with words And the rhythm and the rhyme And he sang just like a bird up on a line And it ain’t because I’m kind But this young man was a friend of mine And I liked to hear him sing And his way of seeing things So I took him underneath my wing And that is where he stayed Until one day... 🎵

FADE OUT.

CHAPTER ONE— ‘’We’ll Always Have Paris’’

Tuesday, March 25, 1986

SCENE 1

FADE IN:

INT. MONSTERS, INC.- LOBBY- DAY

[Every morning, Mike and Randall be racing each other to the Scare Floor, and everyone at the factory doesn’t even bat an eye, like:

‘’Oh, well, Mike and Randall are at it again.’’

‘’Eeyup.’’

Just another day at Monsters, Inc. Nothing wrong here!

And you can hear them shouting down the hallways, running against each other like]:

RANDALL [sarcastic]: ‘’Morning, DEAR.’’

MIKE [sarcastic]: ‘’Morning, HONEY.’’

RANDALL: ‘’You better keep up, man, ’cause I don’t wait for club foot Hobbits!’’

MIKE: ‘’Ohohoh! Well, brother, I’m so fast, you’d be eatin’ my dust when I kick your skinny Lizard butt!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Hah! I can run circles around you, Butterball!’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, well, if you was goin’ any slower, you’d be goin’ backwards, you motherfucking Corn Dog."

RANDALL: ‘’Puh-lease! You’ve been milking it so long you could make butter.’’

MIKE: ‘’What’s with you and butter?! You starting a dairy farm????’’

RANDALL: ‘’No, why? You need a stool to sit on?’’

MIKE: ‘’No, but you might. You’ve been here so long you need more than a stool…. Damn, man, you need a flippin’ mailbox!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, well. You’ve got about as much chance of finishing that job as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.’’

MIKE: ‘’You think that’s bad? You’re slower than two turtles fucking!'’

RANDALL: ‘’Fuck you, Wazowski.’’

MIKE: ‘’Fuck you!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Fuck you!’’

MIKE: ‘’I double triple fuck you!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Ah, go fuck yourself.’’

MIKE: ‘’I ALREADY DID!!!’’

INT. MONSTERS, INC.- SCARE FLOOR F- DAY

[Long pause…. Both stop as they reach the Scare Floor.]

RANDALL: ‘’……………Wait, what?’’

MIKE: ‘’…………Yeah, I don’t know either. It just sounded kinda cool and edgy.’’

[Randall just stares at him.]

RANDALL: ‘’………………..That’s weird, dude.’’

MIKE: ‘’Well, you made me say it!’’

RANDALL: ‘’I didn’t make you say shit! You pulled that outta your own ass, man!’’

MIKE: ‘’Only ’cause you were pulling on my dick!‘’

RANDALL: ‘’Pulling on your-????? Are you fucking for real right now??? You’re the one over here making yourself look like a pussy ass little bitch! You don’t need my help, babe.’’

MIKE: ‘’Look who’s talking..!!! You know what, Randall, if you fucked like you work-‘’

RANDALL: ‘’Dude, what are you on?! Talk about fuckin’, man, you couldn't even fix a fuckin’ sandwich!"

MIKE: ‘’Oh, if you were any more inbred, you’d BE a sandwich!"

RANDALL [rolls eyes]: ‘’There you go again….. You’re fucking crazy, man! Do you hear what you just said? That makes no fucking sense!’’

[Meanwhile, Sulley and Jeff Fungus the neutral bystanders, standing at their stations waiting for their Scare Partners, like:]

JEFF FUNGUS: ‘’（＞д＜)’’

SULLEY: ‘’…UUUUUUUUH… hey, guys?’’ .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.

[Randall and Mike ignoring him.]

MIKE: ‘’Holy crap, Randall, what’re making a career out of it?! You- you’re the one who’s NUTS!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Guuuuuuys…’’

RANDALL: ‘’I’m nuts? I’m not the one who said I’d fuck myself like a fucking horny perverted fucking little freak!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Raaandaaall….. Miiikeeey….’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, you know what I meant!’’

RANDALL: ‘’I mean, what is with YOU, man?! You've got two brain cells competing for third place, over here! AND! To top it off, you’re like… *so obsessed* with me, you gotta think of me in bed, too?????? Like you don’t get enough of me during the day, you sick fuck????’’

SULLEY: ‘’Guuuuuys….’’

[Literally, the whole floor has stopped their work to stare at the cat fight in the middle of the room.]

MIKE: ‘’What in the brother of Christ are you even talking about?! I didn’t say anything about that!!!!!!!!!!! You-you-you’re putting words in my mouth!!!! You’re fucking delusional!’’

RANDALL: ‘’You just said if I worked like I fucked-‘’

[Turns to the crowd]

RANDALL: ‘’Tell him I’m right! You all heard it! Y’all heard what this two-bit fucking gremlin just said????’’

[Everyone pretends to go back to work, don’t want to get involved in them making a scene.]

MIKE [hissing through his teeth]: ‘’Will you shut the hell up? Why can’t you keep your voice down? Everyone can hear!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Does it look like I give a shit? LET ’EM ALL HEAR!’’

SULLEY [shouting]: ‘’Hey, you girls wanna take that OUTSIDE? I mean, c’mon now!’’

MIKE: ‘’You’re impossible, you know that?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Uh-uh, sure! Like your head’s in the gutter, Wazowski! Which is saying a lot, ’cause you’re nothing BUT head. Get a grip, will you?!’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, you take everything to heart, Randall, you know I DIDN’T MEAN-‘’

RANDALLL: ‘’Jesus Christ on a stick! It’s not my fault, you’re like, in love with me or something!’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, you wish, Doll Face. You’re-you’re making a mountain outta a mole hill! Like you always do!’’

RANDALL:‘’Oh, yeah? I've got a Dutch one for you, Baby Cakes-‘’

SULLEY: ‘’Uuuuh… guuuys! Are you gonna wrap this up?? Sometime??? Today?????’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, say it, don’t spray it, Sugar!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Or…..you know…. by Christmas? ’Cause if you guys take any longer, I’m gonna want to put on my winter tires.’’ 눈_눈

MIKE: ‘’Stay outta this, Sulley!’’ / RANDALL: ‘’Stay outta this, Sullivan!’’

SULLEY: ‘’ >___________< ‘’

JEFF FUNGUS: ‘’Don’t worry about it, Mr. Sullivan. This is what I come to work for—the sophisticated cross-cultural exchange of thoughts and insight into our respective everyday lives, which helps us all realize that we really are just one big, happy, world-wide family.’’ ❤️

SULLEY: ‘’………………………That’s one way of putting it. >_____< ‘’

[Meanwhile, Mike and Randall *still* arguing in the background.]

SULLEY: ‘’………..Well, uh, since they’re tied up at the moment, guess it’s just me’n you today, buddy.’’

JEFF FUNGUS: ‘’Oh, boy!’’ 🤩

[Randall, from waaaaaaay across the room]:

RANDALL: ‘’Oh, no you don’t, Fungus! Don’t make me fucking come over there! ’Cause you help him beat the Scare Record, man, so help me God, I’ll never talk to you again!’’

JEFF FUNGUS: ‘’…….. You don’t talk to me, anyway.’’ ◔_◔

CUT TO:

SCENE 2

INT. MONSTERS, INC.- LOCKER ROOM- EVENING

[Mike and Sulley are getting ready to go home. Each has their back to the other in an unusual and uncomfortable silence. Mike is in a sour mood. Sulley turns around, trying to break the tension.]

SULLEY: ‘’Mikey…. Why can’t you… just?’’

MIKE: ‘’What?’’

SULLEY: ‘’Y’know?’’

MIKE: ‘’No, I don’t know…. I’m not a fucking mind reader…. What?’’

SULLEY: ‘’Y’know…. Just…. you and Randall… why can’t you just…. I mean, like every day, you guys fight like cats and dogs.’’

MIKE: ‘’ ’Cause he’s a creep, that’s why.’’

[Sulley sighs, rolls his eyes.]

MIKE: ‘’Well, he started it!’’

SULLEY: ‘’So, just grow the fuck up and…. y’know… ignore him. You two are over here fighting like a couple of schoolgirls! You’re grown-ass men, for fuck’s sake!’’

MIKE: ‘’Egg-actly… a man’s gotta defend his honor.’’

SULLEY: ‘’You’re only demonstrating how fragile that ‘honor’ is by fixin’ to have a dying duck fit with a guy who’s supposed to be our colleague! Whatever happened to healthy competition? Mike, this ain’t it!’’

MIKE: ‘’So, you never have fights in supermarkets, right? But there’s always a brawl in a bar, somewhere, is all I’m saying.’’

SULLEY: ‘’This ain’t no goddamned bar, Mike! Look. Violence is not an inevitable part of masculinity. It’s not necessary! ’Sides, Mikey… you…. you share the blame. You instigate and provoke an attack from Randall, like you want to start something.’’

MIKE: ‘’Inbuilt competitive drive, Sulley. Mixed with ego, grog, sex or drugs, it’s potent. Is it my fault that the Animal Kingdom was built on the backs of pecking orders? Of dominance hierarchies?’’

SULLEY: ‘’You’re not an animal, Mike! You’re civilized!’’

MIKE: ‘’I should think so! And this here’s a blue-collar environment where a load of knuckle draggers and typical blue collar bone heads gather together in one big Gladiatorial Dog-Eat-Dog Roman Colosseum …. I’m afraid it is inevitable. We live in a society. Welcome to the real world, bud.’’

[Sulley facepalms and groans in annoyance.]

SULLEY: ‘’Is it stupidity, ego, or both? It’s hard to say.’’

[Mike throws a rag at Sulley.]

MIKE: ‘’Oh, shut your trap, will you?’’

SULLEY: ‘’A’ight, fine…. I just…. you’re over trying to start a World War Three with Randall Boggs, I just thought I’d give you a little friendly advice, from one guy to another, about how to prevent and resolve workplace conflicts…. And….. Mike, there’s a difference between constructive rivalry and… and an all-out vendetta. There’s such a thing as professional growth without fostering negativity…. You know that, right?’’

[Mike just stares at Sulley, annoyed.]

MIKE: ‘’Are you done?’’

[Sulley sighs and slams his locker closed.]

SULLEY: ‘’Aren’t you going to the show tonight with Celia for her birthday?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, why?’’

SULLEY: ‘’So, why’d you pick today of all days to pitch a little hissy fit?’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, Sulley… you and that Sludge Falls country boy twang… what the Hell are you even talking about?’’

SULLEY: ‘’Basically, what happens to your kids when you tell them they can only buy one thing in the toy aisle.’’

MIKE: ‘’Who’re you calling a kid, kid?’’

SULLEY [smirks]: ‘’You know you love me.’’

MIKE [shakes his head]: ‘’Sometimes I wonder what in the Devil possessed me to be your friend….’’

SULLEY: ‘’Love ya, too, Mikey.’’

[Then Mike smiles, too, and he laughs.]

MIKE: ‘’Ditto.’’

SULLEY: ‘’So, uh…. What show is it again?’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, it’s a musical at the…. Uh… the…. The Plaza. In the downtown area.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Oh! That should be fun.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, I bought the tickets waaaay back in…. uh, last July when they were on pre-sale…. So……. I mean….. um…. Are you sure you didn’t want to tag along??? But you don’t really like musicals, do you, Sull?’’

SULLEY [shrugs]: ‘’Naw, not really…. I’d rather go to a game. But you two go on and have fun. And, uh… wish Celia a happy birthday for me.’’

MIKE: ‘’I gotcha brotha!’’

[Mike closes his locker.]

CUT TO:

SCENE 3

INT. MIKE AND SULLEY’S APARTMENT- LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

[Mike and Sulley room together in a Brownstone, a multi-story townhouse— built in rows. Outside is a nicely shaded tree-lined street. There are rows of tall, earthy-brown houses, neatly arranged. There’s a step of stairs leading up to the front door. Those steps give rise to that iconic N.Y.C. image of residents sitting on their front doorsteps drinking cawfee or talking with neighbors.

Mike walks in after his date with Celia…. It’s about 11 O’ clock at night. Sulley is up reading a newspaper by the light of the living room lamp…. He has on his thick, square rimmed reading glasses. He looks up when Mike walks in…. he looks beat.]

SULLEY: ‘’How was the play, Mikey?’’

[Mike has a sour expression on his face as he fixes himself a White Russian drink at their small coffee bar.]

SULLEY: ‘’Uh, Mikey?’’

[Mike just shakes his head with a sigh.]

SULLEY: ‘’How was the play?’’

MIKE: ‘’First off…. Wait, you’re still up this late on a Monday night?’’

SULLEY: ‘’Yeah… I, uh…. Waited up for you.’’

MIKE: ‘’Ah…. Sull… you didn’t have to do that…’’

SULLEY [shrugs with a smile]: ‘’Well…. No biggie. I wanted to hear about the play….’’

MIKE: ‘’Okay, lookit…it’s a musical…. Not a play…. Second of all-‘’

SULLEY: ‘’A’ight, same difference.’’

[Mike just stares at him.]

MIKE: ‘’Oh, Sulley…. I…. I can’t believe you just said that…. What? What the fuck is that sentence?’’

SULLEY: ‘’Isn’t a musical just a play?’’

MIKE: ‘’Oi, I can’t even talk to you….’’

[Mike goes away, shaking his head. Sulley follows.]

SULLEY: ‘’Wait, Mikey! What’re getting so up in arms for? Just tell me!’’

MIKE: ‘’Talk to the hand, ’cause listening I am not!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Mikey!’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, Sulley, for the love of all that is holy and good, pick up a book, you monkey! Learn something!’’

[Sulley waves his folded newspaper at him.]

SULLEY: ‘’What’s this, huh??? Something to wipe my ass with?’’

MIKE: ‘’You just fill out the crosswords, you big lump. I’ve never seen you read a novel.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Pffft! I read novels! I read, uh…. Monstropolis After Midnight.’’

MIKE: ‘’That’s a Reader’s Digest magazine, it’s not a novel. I’m talking War and Peace, man. 1600 pages!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Who the Hell’s got time for that, Mike?’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, Jesus….’’

SULLEY: ‘’A’ight, so I’ve never been a bookworm like you…. So, crucify me…. just tell me what’s the difference between a play and musical and call it a day, okay?’’

MIKE: ‘’Okay, lemme school you, Bonehead.’’

SULLEY [sarcastic]: ‘’Please do! Since you clearly know everything.’’

MIKE [sighs]: ‘’Musicals are elements of both, Sulley…. Do you understand? A standard play is no music. Zip. Zero. None. Not usually. Plays might have music, like you would for the soundtrack of a movie, like incidental music or diegetic music or whatever…. Y’know, just because you have a song or two in a movie, it don’t make it musical. Sometimes yes, plays incorporate music, like singing and dancing, like uh… The Lost Colony, but they aren’t traditionally considered musicals, because they don’t sing their way through the plot. Dialogue moves the story forward, even if music might be integral to the narrative…. These are just plays with music or dramatic works with musical elements…. It’s not a musical. Because they’re not fully sung-through.

‘’Now, musicals are combining elements of dialogue and plot through song…. And dance… some musicals have no dialogue at all! It’s a sing through musical. In which case, it’s something like…. uh…. An opera. Jesus Christ Superstar. It’s a rock opera. Or Les Misérables. Or Evita. There isn’t one line of spoken dialogue in these shows. Sometimes you get a show that uses the occasional spoken line, like….. Tell Me on a Sunday. Sometimes you get a show that leans a little heavy on the book… like, uh… Sweeney Todd. Or Gypsy: A Musical Fable. Or Annie. Where there’s scenes of dialogue that break between the songs. But the book, or the libretto, is the script, you know, it’s the narrative structure that keeps the score from being nothing more than a disjointed medley of songs, than otherwise you get a concert. Now, you can have a jukebox musical like Ain’t Misbehavin’ or a concept musical like…. A Chorus Line… there’s still a coherent story, but it’s more about the theme or message than the story. Then you get the revue musicals like CATS, which…uh…. lacks three-act story structure, ’cause it’s just a bunch of songs and dances that are linked together thematically. Now, unlike plays, musical numbers are integrated into the narrative in a musical. They use music to primarily tell a story. When you run outta things to say, you park your ass on that goddamned stage, and you start belting your freakin’ face off like there’s no tomorrow! And you might have a dance break. Or two. You never do that in a play.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Okay….???’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, you’re really making me do this, aren’t you?’’

SULLEY: ‘’Do what?’’

MIKE: ‘’We really have to do this?’’

SULLEY: ‘’No, what?!’’

[Is Mike going to stage an entire one-man, eight-minute Broadway musical 11 O’ clock showstopping number right here in the living room like the Theatre Kid he is? Yes. Yes, he is. Is it 100% canon? Absolutely.]

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: The Tony performance was removed, so this is the best video I could find of the choreography]:

SULLEY: ‘’What the Hell are musicals?’’

MIKE: ‘’It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops, and the plot is conveyed through song.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Through song?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yes.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Wait, wait, wait, so an actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts singing?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yes.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Well that is the—‘’

[Music starts playing.]

SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Stupidest thing that I have ever heard You’re doing a play, got something to say So you sing it? It’s absurd! Who on Earth is going to sit there While an actor breaks into song? What possible thought could the audience think Other than ‘’This is horribly wrong?’’ 🎵

[Sulley looks around.]

SULLEY: ‘’Uh… where is that music coming from?’’

MIKE: ‘’Remarkably, they won’t think that.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Seriously? Why not?’’

MIKE: ‘’Because—‘’ [sings]: 🎵 It’s... a... musical, a musical And nothing’s as amazing as a musical With song and dance and sweet romance And happy endings happening by happenstance Bright lights, stage fights and a dazzling chorus You wanna be great, then you gotta create a musical 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’I don’t know, I find it hard to believe people would actually pay to see something like this.’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 Let’s just say it’s a Saturday night And you wanna go out on the town Got a lady to flatter who might Give it up if you don’t let her down You could go see a tragedy But that wouldn’t be very fun Or a play from Greek mythology See a mother have sex with her son 🎵

SULLEY: ‘’Eeeewww!’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 You could go see a drama With all of that trauma and pain Or go see something more relaxing And less taxing on the brain Go... see... a... musical, a musical A poppy piece releasing all your blues-icals Where crooners croon 🎵 ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 Ahh 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 A catchy tune And limber-legged ladies thrill you till you swoon Ooh’s, ahh’s, big applause And a standing ovation 🎵

MIKE with ENSEMBLE [sings]:

🎵 The future is bright if you could just write A musical 🎵 MIKE [sings]:

🎵 Some make you happy Some make you sad Some are quite big Some quite small Some are too long Some are just plays with song 🎵

ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 Ahh 🎵 MIKE [sings]:

🎵 Some musicals have No talking at all 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’No talking at all?’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 That’s right, there’s no talking All of the dialog is sung in a very dramatic fashion 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’Um, really?’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 Yes, really 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’There’s no talk—‘’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 There’s no talking And they often stay on one note for a very long time So that when they change to a different note... you notice And it’s supposed to create a dramatic effect But mostly you just sit there asking yourself, ‘’Why aren’t they talking?’’ 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’Sounds miserable.’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 I believe it’s pronounced ‘’misérables’’ 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’And people actually like this?’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 No! They love it! And what’s not to love? It’s such a delight, there’s nothing quite like a musical 🎵 [spoken]: Ooh! Another vision! I haven’t even told you the best part yet! [sings]: 🎵 Feel that fascinating rhythm Move into your feet 🎵

[Mike begins dancing.]

SULLEY: ‘’Uh, what is that?’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 Feel your ass gyrating To that titillating beat 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’Ooh, are you okay?’’ MIKE [sings]: 🎵 You slap your lap Then finger-snap That’s when you know it’s time to tap 🎵

[Tap break!]

SULLEY: ‘’What the Hell are you doing now!?’’

MIKE: ‘’It’s called a dance break. Apparently this happens in musicals as well. People on stage just burst into spontaneous dance.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Why? Does it advance the plot?’’

MIKE: ‘’No!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Advance character?’’

MIKE: ‘’Not necessarily!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Then why do it?’’

MIKE: ‘’Because it’s entertaining!!! 5-6-7-8!’’

[Dance Break.]

MIKE: ‘’Another vision!’’

[sings]: 🎵 It’s a musical What do you talk? What do you talk? It’s a musical! A Seussical? No, a musical with girls on stage 🎵 ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 A musical 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 We’ve got snappy repartee And the women are risqué And the chorus boys are kinda gay 🎵 ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 A musical 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 A true, blue, new 🎵 MIKE with ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 Musical! 🎵

MIKE [sings]: 🎵 Stand back! It’s a musical! Some musicals are very serious 🎵

MIKE with ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 A big, glittering Musical, a musical It’s a mu-si-cal for us 🎵

MIKE [sings]: 🎵 A big and shiny, mighty fine-y Glitter, glitz, and chorus line-y Bob your head and shake your heiney Musical! It’s a musical 🎵 ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 It’s a musical 🎵

MIKE [sings]: 🎵 It is a musical 🎵

ENSEMBLE [sings]: 🎵 It’s a musical 🎵 SULLEY: ‘’Yes! I get it now!’’ [sings]: 🎵 We’ll... do... a... musical 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 No kidding! 🎵 SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 A musical What could be more amazing than a musical? With song and dance and sweet romance And with a musical we might have half a chance 🎵 MIKE & SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Ooh’s, ahh’s, big applause With everyone cheering for us 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 And for some unexplainable reason The crowd goes wild every time When dancers kick in unison In one big wonderful line 🎵 ALL [sings]: 🎵 And then you got yourself a musical A musical A la-la-la-la-la-la-la Palooz-ical With flashy style and a big, fake smile A snazzy band, some jazzy hands, I swear that I’ll Cross my heart, hope to die If it isn’t a doozy 🎵 MIKE [sings]: 🎵 Take it from me They’ll be flocking to see 🎵 MIKE & SULLEY [sings]: 🎵 Your star-lit, won’t quit Big hit, musical 🎵

ALL [sings]: 🎵 A big hit musical! 🎵

[After the song]:

MIKE: ‘’Get the picture?’’

SULLEY: ‘’No, not really.’’

MIKE: ‘’Oi….’’

SULLEY: ‘’So, how was the play?’’

[Mike shoots him daggers.]

MIKE: ‘’Well, anyway …. It was a dumpster fire, if you must know…’’

SULLEY: ‘’Oooh… that bad, huh?’’

MIKE: ‘’Where do I even begin?.... Dunbar was totally wrong for the part… Dunbar, my ass! More like Dumbbell…. An English actor, he played the leading man…miscast and underwhelming with an uninteresting singing voice…He just doesn’t have the physicality or vocal ability to carry it off…. And it was all updated bullshit that ruined Porter’s masterpiece. They have Dumbbell come out in the middle of the performance and lecture to the audience about its dated themes…. About how misogynistic The Taming of the Shrew is, like no shit, Sherlock! The original play was penned between 1590 and 1594!!! For fuck’s sake, of course it’s problematic! And Cole Porter’s musical version was staged in 1948! Do you think anybody in that audience didn’t already know that??? That yes, we’re watching a musical that’s older than dirt? And that we must bear in mind historical context? You can’t look at these dated theatrical performances from a modern perspective….. Sure, acknowledge its problems, but spare us the motherfucking lecture!!! Why does modern reinterpretation feel the need to apologize for older works??? If you’re so ashamed of it, then don’t fucking revive it! Honor the godforsaken source material, why don’t you??? God!!!’’

[Mike throws himself against his little green egg chair and broods. Sulley just stands there dumbly… pretending to know what Mike is talking about, but he is *super* lost…. Mike has always been a little Theatre Kid and that was never Sulley’s thing… he’s more like the beer drinking, football watching kinda guy.]

MIKE: ‘’I don’t mind revivals, Sulley, I really don’t….. but I’m a purist, alright? I’m a sucker for the original…. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Jesus, Mike…. chill out, dude…. It’s not that deep.’’

MIKE: ‘’It is to me! Look…. I…. I wanted to like this, but I didn't care for it, and that’s putting it mildly. This production made so many unnecessary changes... ‘Tom, Dick or Harry’ was the worst number... awful choreography... didn’t like the singing, like you can’t beat the Ann Miller version. She-she-she was a force of nature, that woman! She was an Icon!! Probably one of the greatest tap dancers who ever lived! Nobody can hold a candle to her! Plus, the costumes were atrocious. Not bright and colorful like they ought’ve been. ‘Too Darn Hot’ was probably the best number. It’s not better than the original but it was a decent attempt. I mean… an attempt was made. I sorta liked the choreography, it was clunky in places…. but compared to the rest of the show it was the least worst song….’’

SULLEY: ‘’Mike…. you should’ve been an armchair critic.’’

MIKE: ‘’I am an armchair critic…. well, I mean… Celia enjoyed it…. I pretended to like it for her sake…. Since it was her birthday gift. Yeah, she enjoyed herself. She would. She’s never seen the movie. She had nothing to compare it to.’’

SULLEY: ‘’There’s a movie?’’

MIKE: ‘’Kiss Me, Kate, Sulley, it’s a classic.’’

SULLEY: ‘’I’ve never even heard of it.’’

MIKE: ‘’1953. Kathryn Grayson. Howard Keel. Ann Miller….. it’s, uh…. It’s a human movie.’’

[Sulley just stares.]

SULLEY: ‘’It’s a what now….?’’

[Mike looks down, rubbing his arm nervously.]

MIKE: ‘’It’s a…. it’s a…. human…. movie....’’

SULLEY: ‘’Mike…. human movies are banned!!!!!…. The government’s banned…. any and all obscene or indecent material from the human world…. I mean you know the CDA prohibits the creation, distribution, and consumption of such material, I mean you know about the strict censorship and the blocked websites, and the controlled media outlets!!!! If they knew you even had anything from the human world, they’d physically destroy it!!!! And…. and…. and…. and…. wait!!! Hold up!!! They put on this play based on a human movie???? How??????’’

MIKE: ‘’Ssssh…. Sulley, not so loud!!!…..’’

[Mike goes to their rectangular bay window and pulls down the shade.]

MIKE: ‘’Sulley…. Listen…. It’s…. it’s…. it’s….. it’s not commercial, mainstream theatre…. It’s…. community theatre. Black Box…. So, it’s a little bit underground…. I mean… it’s quite literally…. Under the ground, near the subway station in the Business District….’’

SULLEY: ‘’What kinda Hell joint was this Mike???? You-you said you were going to The Plaza Downtown!!!’’

MIKE: ‘’Well, I lied, okay…. I didn’t want you to freak out.’’

SULLEY: ‘’I’M NOT FREAKING OUT!’’

MIKE [hisses]: ‘’Will you sssshhhush, you big stupid furball? Everybody can hear, these walls are paper thin!!!!!’’

SULLEY: ‘’You mean to tell me you dragged Celia to an underground theatre????? Putting on illegal plays???? Putting your life—and hers—in jeopardy!!! Are you outta your goddamned mind????’’

MIKE: ‘’Sulley…. It’s okay… Celia knows all about it…. I’ve been…. A member of this theatre group since…. Since high school…. Now…. Is it a little experimental and edgy? Absolutely…. But what’s good theatre if it isn’t diverse and intimate… if it don’t take risks? Sulley, I know you don’t understand, but the very essence of great theatre is its capacity to be dangerous, bold, and unafraid!’’

SULLEY: ‘’A little experimental and edgy????? Mike!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me right now????? This isn’t a poetry café reading you’re talking about—you’re freely associating with anarchists! You’re playing with fire, man!!! If-If somebody tips off the CDA-‘’

MIKE: ‘’Don’t you think I know that??? Why do you think it’s so FBI Top Secret? You need a password to gain entry into the fucking theatre! Like a Prohibition Speakeasy. You think we’re stupid?’’

SULLEY: ‘’And do you know what happens to anarchists, Mike??? They just fucking disappear!!! Businesses are raided, and everybody who’s involved is taken into custody!!! And they’re never seen again!!! What the Hell would I do if something happened to you, huh, Mike???? Don’t you think???? Don’t you know????? Don’t you care???’’

INT. MIKE AND SULLEY’S APARTMENT- KITCHEN- NIGHT

[Sulley storms to their retro 1960s kitchen, all piss and vinegar…. Mike quietly follows.]

MIKE: ‘’Oh, Sull…. I’m…. I’m sorry…. I should’ve told you….’’

[Sulley purposedly bangs his head on the refrigerator on a Stress Reduction Sign the boys hung up that says ‘’Bang Head Here’’. There’s another sign for Mike a little further down that’s more his height.]

MIKE: ‘’Um….. are you okay?’’

SULLEY [sighs]: ‘’…. And how the hell did you even watch this human movie to begin with….?’’

MIKE: ‘’In college! We all, uh…. We… uh…. Well, everybody did it.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Did what?!’’

MIKE: ‘’In the Freshman dorms, we were all…. There was this station we were able to…. Uh… we picked up a signal, somehow…. Sure, it was illegal…. But…. we…. Everybody taped the human programs and…. you could buy these tapes, Sulley… on campus…. We weren’t supposed to, but we did it anyway.’’

SULLEY: ‘’Tapes? What tapes?’’

MIKE: ‘’VHS tapes…. And, uh…. So, I… I purchased maybe one or two of ’em.’’

SULLEY: ‘’What the hell??? I don’t remember any of this!!!’’

MIKE: ‘’Well, it wasn’t advertised out in the open…. It was word-of-mouth… and…. people were selling ’em under tables, practically… we couldn’t get caught or we’d be expelled….and we traded ’em sometimes…. If there was a rare tape we wanted…. I traded in my old copy of Bringing Up Baby for a…. for a Harold Lloyd picture…. You see…. my old college roomie and I… we…. We…. Well, he brought a little television set from home, and we used the antennae to pick up a signal…. Somehow… you were able to access this particular signal on campus….and there was this channel…. That showed all these old prohibited programs…. Uh…. Human programs…. And we taped the programs…. And so, we…. We watched all these…. Old human movies that…. We probably weren’t supposed to…. And don’t look at me like that!!! We all did it, Sulley!!!’’

SULLEY: ‘’Dude, what? I was your roomie!’’

MIKE: ‘’No, no, before that… in the Freshman dorms…. Not the frat house…’’

SULLEY: ‘’Oh, right…………………………………… Who was he again?’’

MIKE: ‘’Um….’’

[Mike hesitates..... not willing to even say it out loud.]

MIKE: ‘’Ra-Ran…Randall. Randall…. Boggs.’’

[Sulley just stares at Mike, wracking his brain. Then it suddenly dawns on him.]

SULLEY: ‘’………………OH!!! That’s right!!! Jesus, you know, I forgot all about that!’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, well…. It was four or five years ago… um…. It was only the first three months till after Thanksgiving break….’’

SULLEY: ‘’Right…. Right…. So, uh….’’

MIKE: ‘’Look…. I know…. Humans are gross…. It’s weird, it’s gross… but…. their movies… are…. It’s helluva lot better than the shit we put out, lemme tell ya…. If… if they weren’t, why would so many college kids at Monsters University be trying to bootleg ’em?’’

SULLEY: ‘’I dunno, man, you tell me.’’

MIKE [sighs]: ‘’……..Sulley…. Lemme show you something…. I… I never showed this to anyone before…’’

[Sulley just stares at Mike in bewilderment.]

SULLEY: ‘’Should I be worried?’’

MIKE: ‘’No, no, it’s nothing like that…. C’mere…’’

[Mike motions for Sulley to follow. He leads Sulley to….]

INT. MIKE AND SULLEY’S APARTMENT- MIKE’S ROOM- NIGHT

[….his bedroom. Sulley reluctantly follows. Mike goes down on the floor and gets out a box of old VHS tapes that he’s been hiding under his bed, appropriately labeled and alphabetized. He also pulls out a box of old movie posters and Hollywood memorabilia. Most notable in his collection is Humphrey Bogart.]

SULLEY: ‘’Mike….. the Hell’s all this shit?’’

[Mike shows him a framed autograph of Bogie.]

MIKE: ‘’He’s my favorite actor.’’

[Mike clutches the framed photo to his chest, holding it close to his heart… he actually gets teary-eyed talking about it.]

MIKE: ‘’Randy and I used to watch him all the time. Casablanca. The Maltese Falcon. The Harder They Fall. Sabrina. The Caine Mutiny. High Sierra. Angels with Dirty Faces. All of ’em, Sulley…. Oh my God… we used to stay up late every Friday and Saturday night…. Bogie is so cool, Sulley…. He’s…. he’s BADASS!!! Hell, he’s got more boss swag in a single eyelash than most of us hope to have in our entire bodies…. I know he’s…. not a monster, but….’’

[Sulley just stares… he sees how much this means to Mike.]

SULLEY: ‘’Mike…. how long have you been stashing this away?...’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh God…. For years, Sulley…. Since college….’’

SULLEY: ‘’….. I…. it’s like I don’t know you at all…. You’ve been hiding this from me…. for four years?’’

MIKE: ‘’I couldn’t tell you, Sulley…. I just…. I can’t even tell Celia…. It’s bad enough she knows about the theatre…if the CDA finds out….’’

[Sulley bends down next to Mike and pats him on the shoulders.]

SULLEY: ‘’It’s okay, Mikey…. Your secret’s safe with me….’’

[Mike weakly smiles at Sulley.]

MIKE: ‘’….Oh, what I’d give to see Casablanca again…. I wish I could show you…. I haven’t seen it since I was seventeen…. I…. I lost the tape…. when I was moving between the dorm and the house…. That, or…. Randy might have it…. we taped it…. and…. we had so many Bogie tapes…. I got him really into it…. ’cause it was his first time…. watching a Bogie…. We were obsessed!... maybe our tapes got mixed up…. Oh, Sulley…. I’d give my left arm…. And a liver, and a spleen, and a heart, and a lung, and my cornea…. If I could see that movie again…. It’s the kind of movie I’d be willing to go to jail for…. Oh, Sulley… I would commit War Crimes to watch that movie again…. And I can’t…. I can’t get the signal here in our apartment…. The channel that used to play all the old human programs…I tried my damnedest to get that signal…..I don’t know how the campus was able to pick it up….’’

[Sulley starts shifting through Mike’s box of tapes…. Singin’ in the Rain, Oklahoma!, Gone with the Wind, The Wizard of Oz….]

SULLEY: ‘’So, you bought most of these on campus? And taped ’em in the dorm?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah…. I had a bigger collection but…. I…. sold some of ’em before we moved in here, for the down payment on our first month’s rent…. I just had…. I had a library of tapes…. I had more than I knew what to do with…. Now I regret parting with ’em…. Oh, Sulley… those tapes were my life….’’

[Sulley pulls Mike into a bear hug. There’s something about how passionate Mike is about this subject that deeply moves him.]

SULLEY: ‘’It’s okay, Mikey….’’

MIKE: ‘’Here’s looking at you, kid.’’

SULLEY: ‘’What?’’

MIKE: ‘’It’s a line…. From the movie….’’

SULLEY: ‘’Oh!’’

MIKE: ‘’But it sounds way cool when Bogie says it…..’’

SULLEY: ‘’Mike… you are cool.’’

[Mike smiles and lightly punches Sulley on the arm.]

CUT TO:

Wednesday, March 26, 1986

SCENE 4

INT. MONSTERS, INC.- LOCKER ROOM- DAY

[Mike is just hanging out by the showers…. Like he’s waiting for someone. He tries to look discreet. Randall strolls by, passing Mike without a second glance, and journeys to his locker directly across from the showers. Mike just stands against the wall, staring at Randall, like he wants to say something. Randall finally turns to look at him.]

RANDALL: ‘’The fuck you looking at?’’

[Mike doesn’t say anything. Randall sighs, shakes his head, opens his locker, and Mike sees what he’s been waiting to see—a ‘’We’ll Always Have Paris’’ poster from Casablanca taped to the mirror…. Randall just stares at Mike staring at his locker….]

RANDALL: ‘’What?’’

MIKE: ‘’We’ll always have Paris…’’

RANDALL: ‘’Huh?’’

[Randall turns around to see his mini-Casablanca poster.]

RANDALL: ‘’Oh, yeah.’’

[Randall closes the locker, breaking Mike’s trance. He begins to walk away when Mike runs to catch up with him. Randall just looks at him annoyed like, ‘’Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?’’]

MIKE: ‘’Randall…. I…I’ve been meaning to ask you….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, what?’’

[Mike follows Randall to….]

INT. MONSTERS, INC.- LOBBY- DAY

[Randall walks so fast that Mike has a hard time keeping up. One giant step for Randall is like eight steps for Mike—plus, Randall’s got four legs, so he’s twice as fast as Mike on two.]

MIKE: ‘’Remember….. uh… when we were moving outta the dorms?’’

RANDALL: ‘’What’re you talking about?’’

MIKE: ‘’At Monsters University… we roomed together… don’t you remember?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Ugh, don’t remind me…’’

MIKE: ‘’And that night I was packing up….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Dude, it’s too fucking early in the morning for this.’’

MIKE: ‘’…. I was packing….to move into the fraternity house… well… I dunno…. I misplaced something…. Um…. Remember all those tapes we had?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Tapes?’’

MIKE: ‘’VHS tapes…’’

RANDALL: ‘’Okay…. I dunno… man, it was six fucking years ago…’’

MIKE: ‘’Four years and seven months to be exact…. And yeah…. We…. We taped a lot of programs off your television set, remember?’’

RANDALL: ‘’……you mean swapping tapes? Like porn shit?’’

MIKE: ‘’No! God, no….. not that…. No, what? No! We…. We taped Casablanca, remember…?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Sssssh!!!!’’

[Randall pushes Mike up against the wall and clamps a hand over his mouth and hisses through his teeth.]

RANDALL: ‘’Don’t you ever say that out loud! Capisce?’’

[Mike tries to speak but his voice is muffled.]

RANDALL: ‘’Man, these walls have eyes and ears, and ears…. And sometimes teeth, and eyes, but mostly ears… dude! Don’t you ever fucking say that, what are you fucking crazy???’’

[Randall finally takes his hand away from Mike’s mouth. Mike looks around to make sure no one’s watching… it’s only Charlotte, the key master, and site administrator for Scare Floor F, across the way at her office, and she seems to be absorbed in her tabloid…. Mike whispers discreetly.]

MIKE: ‘’Well, I lost the tape…. Do you have it or not?’’

RANDALL: ‘’I can’t tell you here, ’kay? Just…. whatever… when everyone breaks for lunch, you meet me in the parking lot, and we’ll talk in the car.’’

MIKE: ‘’But you have the damn poster in your locker! So that’s totally okay, but God forbid if you even say the word, Casabla-‘’

[Randall clamps his hand over his mouth again.]

RANDALL: ‘’Fucking sssshush, will you???? Fucking asshole!!! You want the CDA all over our fucking asses????’’

[Randall and Mike look at Charlotte, who seems to pay them no mind. There’s only one other janitor down by the elevator…. Mike forces Randall’s hand away from his mouth.]

MIKE: ‘’Well, standing here in the lobby, out in the open, whispering like a couple o’ snakes sure as shit don’t make us look sus as Hell!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, well, everybody’s used to it by now… ’cause we do this every fucking week. So, what else is new?’’

MIKE [rolls his eye]: ‘’Alright….. whatever…. I’ll meet you at lunch…. You pathetic piece of shit…..’’

RANDALL [sarcastic]: ‘’Love you too, Cupcake.’’

[Mike grabs his hard hat that he’s been carrying under his arm, puts it on, and starts for the Scare Floor, flipping Randall the bird as he walks away, mumbling under his breath, ‘’One of these days…’’]

CUT TO:

SCENE 5

EXT. MONSTERS, INC.- PARKING LOT- DAY

[Around 12:00 when the noon whistle blows for lunch, Mike comes out of the building and stands at the entrance, looking around for Randall…. The parking lot is vast…. Full of hundreds of vehicles. It would be like finding a needle in a haystack…. He hears a whistle, and the honk of a horn somewhere…. Further down the parking lot, he sees Randall leaning against the hood of his car, arms folded across his chest, with an unlit cigarette dangling at the side of his mouth… looking like the Icon and Symbol of Cool like the rebellious, brooding James Dean. Mike shakes his head—‘’Gimme a break’’—and walks up to him.]

MIKE: ‘’This better be worth it, Stretch, ’cause I was supposed to meet Celia for lunch across the street at that new French bakery and she ain’t exactly a tickled pink that I had to cancel our da-‘’

INT. RANDALL’S CAR- DAY

[Randall just yanks Mike into his car and slams the door.]

RANDALL: ‘’Man, you’re rounding the goddamned bases with that woman almost 24/7, like it would kill you to spend even five minutes away from her??’’

MIKE: ‘’Pffft… you’re just jealous.’’

RANDALL: ‘’As if!’’

MIKE: ‘’Look, you Rotting Pear, it’s not my fault you can’t do it like they do on the Discovery Channel….. with the greatest piece of ass in Monstropolis, by the way.’’

RANDALL [a low, long whistle of surprise]: ‘’Bruh… if she heard you say that, I think you’d have a coooold bed by the end of the week…. By the end of the day. By the end of this lunch break, actually. See how long that lasts, shall we?’’

MIKE: ‘’Fat chance, ’cause I got that little girl in my hip pocket…. I mean…. If I had a pocket….. you know what I mean.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Look, man. If you’re going to take us out to the ballpark, make sure there’s plenty of franks to go around, you catch my drift?’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, sure, we’re all just monsters at the end of the day. From the barnyard to the petting zoo. Is that what you’re saying?’’

RANDALL [rolls eyes]: ‘’Whatever. I didn’t come out here to fucking talk about your fucking bedroom rodeo. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.’’

MIKE: ‘’You started it, Rhett Butler!’’

RANDALL [sighs]: ‘’You want Humphrey Bogart or not?’’

MIKE: ‘’Sure I do!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Then shut the fuck up. We only got half an hour, so let’s make it quick, huh?’’

MIKE: ‘’So…. Wait…. But………. whoa daddy……’’

[Mike stops and looks around at the sofa-like split-bench seats, column shift, and unique dashboard.]

MIKE: ‘’…..say this is a nice CAH!’’

[Of course, it sounds funny when Mike says ‘’car’’, due to his Long Island dialect, from the East Park Avenue community, which is located on a barrier island off of the South Shore side— The “lawn GUYland” accent is most prevalent and pronounced on the south sho-wah. He pronounces ‘’car’’ like CAH, with the tendency to drop the R’s at the end of words or before consonants. It sounds like he’s talking with a mouthful of cotton balls. Whatever it is, that boy’s accent THICC AF.]

RANDALL [imitates him]: ‘’Gonna drink sum chawclate cawffee on my lawn. Or in the fahrest with my gurhlfriends.’’

MIKE: ‘’Are you making fun of the way I talk?’’

[Which is funny, considering Randall has a distinct working-class Brooklyn dialect from the East New York area… plus, he’s picked up the Nassau difference from living in Valley Stream. His accent’s not exactly old-school Brooklyn accent as in Goodfellas. Or your “typical Italian NY accent”. The Brooklyn accent is usually fuggedaboudit - the hard NY Italian working man accent. You know “I’m wawkin’ ’ere!!!” But his Sicilian-American Brooklyn dialect is still distinct and noticeable.]

RANDALL: ‘’Ah. Fuhgeddaboudit.’’

MIKE: ‘’No, you, ‘Fuhgeddaboudit!’ You fucking Wise Guy. Y’know, Randall, you sound like the Eye-talian guy that runs the bodega, ‘Hey, BAWSS! I need two cawfees, light and sweet!’ ‘’

RANDALL: ‘’Is that supposed to offend me or something? The closer to my side of town, the deeper the cawfee.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, well, that’s the ONLY right way to say it, any other way is WRONG.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, so what’re you getting so keyed up for?’’

MIKE: ‘’I’m not keyed up! But you was born and raised here and so was I…. different Boroughs, sure…. and I lived on Swang Island when I was a child….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, well so did I, biatch. Literally everybody from the city moves to the fucking Island…. To get away from the fucking crime. Ain’t no such thing as a true Islander. Islanders are basically metropolitans that left the city, so what’s your point?’’

MIKE: ‘’….but you sit there and make fun of the way I talk! Like you’re better’n me.’’

RANDALL: ‘’It all depends on how people pronounce water and how many W's they throw into the middle of the word. How do YOU say it?’’

MIKE: ‘’Water.’’

RANDALL: ‘’No, man, say it right.’’

MIKE: ‘’Alright fine. Wotta. Happy now? How do you say it?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Waw-duh.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, so....... your way’s better’n mine?’’

RANDALL: ‘’I didn’t say it was, Jewboy.’’

[Mike is gagged.]

MIKE: ‘’Oh. No. You did NOT just say that.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Hey, man, you just called me an Eye-talian, so fuck off. Two can play at this game, Sweetie Pie.’’

MIKE: ‘’Okay…. Look…. I’m sorry…. That was…. That was out of line, I admit…. You know I didn’t mean it that way, it just slipped out…’’

RANDALL: ‘’Aah... well… ’ight, it’s fine, it’s not like you called me a ‘Wop’ or nothing, that would’ve been way worse. ’Cept, I guess…. You could call me a Wop, if you wanted to.’’

MIKE: ‘’But you’re not a Wop…. A Wop is a…. what is a Wop?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Fresh off the boat. Without papers.’’

MIKE: ‘’But you’re not a-‘’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, no, but my mom is. She comes from a cheese farm near the little village of Mussomeli in Sicily. She came over here in the late…. uh… 1960s. Didn’t I tell ya that when we first met?’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, right…. No, yeah, you did tell me…. You’re only Italian on your mom’s side, though?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Sicilian. That’s the Don’t-Fuck-with-Me Italian. My dad’s a deadbeat…. He’s no longer around, so fuck him, I guess. And how d’ya think that makes me feel, huh? I gotta walk around with his goddamnned name…. like I don’t even fucking deserve it.’’

MIKE: ‘’More like he don’t deserve it.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Y’know, I thought about a legal name change…. I dunno…. What d’ya think? Maybe I’d use my mom’s maiden name.’’

MIKE: ‘’Come to think of it, I don’t even know….. What is your mom’s maiden name?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Mangiaracina. Man-JUH-rah-chee-na. Apollonia Mangiaracina.’’

MIKE: ‘’That’s a mouthful.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Even for me. ’Specially when I was a tyke learning how to talk. Everybody calls my mom ‘Apple’ ’cause nobody can say her name.’’

MIKE: ‘’Apple? So, Apple Boggs?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah. When she was married to my dad. But now she went back to her maiden name, so now it’s Apple Mangiaracina. Mangiaracina means ‘eat grapes.’ Apple Eat Grapes. God, shoot me.’’

MIKE: ‘’ Mangiaracina. It… sounds like….. Spaghetti alla carrettiera.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Don’t it though??? Like, it couldn’t have been something cool like Corleone. Lion heart. That’s fucking bad! But no, that’d be too kind. I mean, be real. Randall Mangiaracina. Mangia racina. Eat grapes. Randall Eat Grapes? Gimme a fucking break.’’

MIKE: ‘’Well…. To be fair, you kinda look like a grape.’’

[Randall gives him the death stare.]

MIKE: ‘’You…. probably couldn’t even fit it on the Leader Board…. That’s half the alphabet.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Tell me something I don’t know.’’

MIKE: ‘’Well…. At least it’s not…. Wazowski.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Oh, c’mon, man, your name ain’t that bad. At least you can pronounce it and spell it, unlike…. Motherfucking Mangiaracina.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, no, but it’s really ‘Vasovski.’ The ‘W’ in Polish sounds like a ‘V,’ like in German, y’know. And there’s no ‘wow’ sound in ‘-owski.’ So…. Wuh-ZAW-ski…. We’re not even saying it correctly.’’

RANDALL: ‘’I thought you were Jewish.’’

MIKE: ‘’I am.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Well, whatevs, I don’t think anybody says their name correctly….. I mean…. Who’s gonna bust your balls if you don’t? The Name Police?’’

MIKE: ‘’It's your name. I ’spose you get to choose whatever the Hell you wanna do with it. So, no, you’re not wrong.’’

RANDALL: ‘’If you don’t care, then no one else should.’’

MIKE: ‘’It’s not that I don’t care… it’s just… like you said…. Who cares? We’re Monstromerican anyway. Here in ’merica, we make up our own rules. I mean, it’s a free country, right?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Sure…. whatever you wanna call it, Toots.’’

MIKE: ‘’Huh?’’

RANDALL: ‘’MonstromeriKKKa, a country where the specism towards others outweighs the empathy we have for ourselves. MonstromeriKKKa, a country where the love of money and celebrity far outpaces anything resembling empathy. Fucking land of the free, my ass.’’

MIKE: ‘’Y’know, Randall….. can’t I just…. pay you a courtesy visit without you trying to jump down my throat every chance you get? Honest question.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yikes.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, yikes is right. I just wanted to say something about your…. Vehicle. Instead, we’re sitting here talking sociolinguistics and politics. Can I just say something without you chewing me out and getting on your damn soap box? Is that too much to ask?’’

RANDALL: ‘’ ’Ight, shoot.’’

MIKE: ‘’I was just saying…….. it’s a nice CAH. And don’t you fucking laugh at the way I said it!!!’’

[Randall’s laughing in spite of himself.]

MIKE: ‘’Oh, you know what? Forget it.’’

[Mike tries to slide out of the car, but Randall grabs him by the arm to stop him from leaving.]

RANDALL: ‘’Hey, c’mon, man, be cool!’’

MIKE: ‘’Well, stop laughing at me…. I can’t help the way I say CAH.’’

[Randall doubles over in laughter again. He’s laughing so hard he’s crying. Mike glares at him, unamused.]

RANDALL: ‘’ ’Iight, ’ight…. I’m sorry…. I’m sorry!!!’’

[But he can’t stop laughing. Mike just rolls his eye.]

MIKE: ‘’Well, just be glad I don’t talk like Sulley!!! He says shit like…. like… ‘farty’ and ‘nahrth’ and ‘Rose-ayen’ or ‘hay-end’…. He stretches one syllable to three…. Like what the fuck is that all about? I can’t understand a word he’s saying half the time.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Where the fuck he’s from?’’

MIKE: ‘’Sludge Falls. It’s a little Midwestern town…. Well, okay, not a small town, it’s like a big town city, or a small city, actually….. residential suburb south of the city limits of St. Lamia, the capital over there in the state of Teras, 20,000 people…. Like…. Not a megalopolis like here. But his family’s from out in the sticks, y’know? From the outskirts of Devil Hills. They’re hillbillies. They…. They’re members of the Southern Baptist Church, or some shit.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Ah, yeah…. Sludge Fall’s real hometown feel, though. Kind of….. uh…. Not like rubes, but small-town neighborhood vibe while having the amenities of big city living close by… Kinda the best of both worlds, actually.’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh, yeah, and city dwellers will probably flame me for this but honestly, and this is what Sulley told me, but you kinda get the feel of living in Mayberry, USA with a little less crime and you don’t have to put up with all of the Urbanite Politics like we have here…. they’re helluva lot less progressive out there but…. Lots of smallish post-war housing. Good mix of generations and species. Sulley took me up there just one time for Christmas to visit his folks…. It was pretty nice. Lots of Maplewood and Webster Groves.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, and Teras is like…..half the size of Germany. Soon its gonna be its own country in Monstromerica.’’

MIKE: ‘’Well, and Hydratown is the size of Sweden.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Hobgoblin Hollow’s the size of Texas.’’

MIKE: ‘’Morning Star is around the size of Pennsylvania, Ohio, New York, and Vermont combined.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Orlokvania is a little bigger than Germany, but it’s got a population of roughly 1.137 million versus, like 83.5 million, if I could guess.’’

MIKE: ‘’And we’re twice the size of Ireland with slightly more population, here in Monstropolis.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Slightly? Dude, we’re running up 8.25 million. Ireland’s, what?’’

MIKE: ‘’5.308 million. I saw it on the news this morning.’’

RANDALL: ‘’That’s crazy, man…. You’d think there’d be a lower birth rate in this economy…. Nobody’s heard of birth control, I take it?’’

MIKE: ‘’That’s why me and Celia are waiting for marriage…. Patience is virtue… this ain’t no world to bring a kid.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Can’t say I blame you…. Modern society is practically built to exclude children.’’

MIKE: ‘’You don’t like kids anyway.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, no… I fucking hate kids. Lemme ask ya, man: you’d rather have a clean house or kids?’’

MIKE: ‘’Well…. I think a house without children is a sad and lonely house.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Ew. One day, you and Anastasia-‘’

MIKE: ‘’Celia.’’

RANDALL: ‘’-are gonna wake up and realize the cold, hard truth: after being married for two years, you’ll suddenly decide you hate having a clean house, you never want to sleep again, and you sure as shit don’t want to have any extra money to spend on yourselves. So, you had kids. And you all lived happily ever after. The end.’’

MIKE [rolls eye]: ‘’Sure. We decided we didn’t want to have kids. We’re telling them after dinner.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Kids’ll fuck up your house, fuck up your car…. This is why we can’t have nice things… so you like my CAH, huh?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah! I know my CAHS! This…. This is a sexy CAH! It’s used! But it looks brand new! It’s a 1975 Oldsmobile burnt umber Cutlass Ciera…..and….’’

[Mike turns around to look at the backseat.]

MIKE: ‘’With the pink sales sticker showing in its rear window. Did you just drive this off the lot?’’

RANDALL [shrugs]: ‘’Pretty much.’’

MIKE: ‘’When? Yesterday?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah…. So, my old hunk of junk of a SUV broke down, what about it?’’

MIKE: ‘’I… would never think of you as a…. SUV…. kinda guy…’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, well, they didn’t call it a SUV back then. It was a truck or a station wagon…. it was a big red… well, actually, it was more Cranberry Metallic… 1973 Chevrolet Suburban…. America’s Favorite Wagon. It was old as the hills, man…. I mean, why do you care?’’

MIKE: ‘’No, I just… I mean…. Really??? My cousin had one of those bad boys for a while. We called it the Burban. Was fun on road trips… and my uncle had one that was red and white two tone. Between monthly camping trips and annual vacations, I spent a lot of time either playing in the back or burning my legs on the vinyl seats …. And I had one of those with a diesel back in the mid-80s. 1984, I think. Color: Brown and Rust. Bought it for $850. Hauled a pallet of shingles in the back of it, most of the CG aft of the rear axle. When I went over bumps going uphill, the front wheels bounced off the road.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Newfangled kids and their SUVs, am I right?’’

MIKE: ‘’Randall, do you see what I’m saying? A CAH…. is a person’s life story…. It can tell a lot about a person….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, how much money you got in the bank.’’

MIKE: ‘’No!!!… That’s not what I meant. It…. it’s just… a CAH is a personality, Randall…. You are what you drive….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Personality, sure, and socioeconomic status.’’

MIKE: ‘’No, you’re missing the point. See, what you just said…. SUV, right? You know what I see when I look at a person who drives a SUV?’’

RANDALL: ‘’A fucking faggot?’’

MIKE: ‘’Fuck no! I see someone who has an appreciation for adventure. And red is…. Energy, passion, excitement… a desire to stand out from the crowd.’’

RANDALL: ‘’It was cranberry.’’

MIKE: ‘’And… cranberry is energy, passion, excitement… a desire to stand out from the crowd.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Man, that’s bullshit.’’

MIKE: ‘’It’s not! Randall… you can read CAHS the way you can read people.’’

RANDALL: ‘’I can’t read nothing but books, sorry.’’

------------

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: This kind of highlights the difference between Mike and Randall that we see in both movies…. They’re both highly intelligent, but in different ways. Even though they’re both bookworms, Randall’s more technical, he’s also streetwise in the events of the first movie; Mike tends to be people smart…. he has the ability to perceive and respond to the moods, intentions, and feelings of other people… of course, it was a skill he had to develop…. In his early college days, he tended to be more introverted and closed off and he would emotionally shut down and isolate himself to focus on his academic goals—hence why his friendship with Randy ended as soon as it began. But his budding friendship with Sulley and the Oozma Kappas helped him come out of his shell and learn how to be attuned to others; he learned to put others’ needs before his own. His intelligence is interpersonal in such a way that he can take a team of people and coach them and train them to be the best versions of themselves. In that sense, he maintains strong relationships whereas Randall lacks those social skills to build healthy, long-term relationships…. Randall, unfortunately, never learned how to work with others and relate to others and be part of a team that truly cared about him.]

------------

MIKE: ‘’Well… take this Ciera for instance. Why’d you buy this sedan? A Brougham, no less.’’

RANDALL: ‘’’Cause I could fucking afford it, that’s why.’’

MIKE: ‘’But why not get a brand-new CAH? Why buy a refurbished vehicle? I mean, it’s newer than your old one, but-’’

RANDALL: ‘’The Hell you mean? It’s only ten years old. It runs smooth as silk… gets me from point A to point B… I mean, it’s ugly as sin… it’s the kinda car you’d see in a rural country town parked under a carport at an old person's home. But the fucking thing bowls along, so that’s all that fucking matters, right?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, no, that’s…. see, I like old CAHS, too…. And… well this model, y’know…. It’s special, because… maybe it’s not the flashiest CAH on the road, God only knows, she ain’t Hell on wheels but…. she’s practical and valuable even though she lacks exciting features or cutting-edge technology. Right?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Sure, and it’s got good gas mileage, especially with the fucking gas prices going up, man.’’

MIKE: ‘’Exactly! So….. Randall, these are GREAT CAHS, especially back then. Love ’em or hate ’em, these suckers are Old Reliables. They aren’t exciting, but they aren’t designed to be exciting. Everything don’t need to be a goddamn sports sedan…. I’m guilty of it, I know. But this here! It’s Classic Americana stuff. They’re designed to be comfortable, smooth, quiet, solid family sedans that cruise on comfortably. Build quality’s solid. They get the job done for what they are. This here’s an ‘iron duchess’, and if you take good care of her, she’ll take care of you. And…. and I don’t think she’s an eyesore. I think she’s pretty damn sexy!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Man…. you got the hots for my car? That’s weird, dude.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, no! But this….so, this CAH is affordable, it’s reliable, and…. that tells me something about you, Randall.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, what?’’

MIKE: ‘’That you’re sensible.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Or…. a car is just a tool for transportation, and nothing more, and you’re like…. waaaaaay overanalyzing, bro.’’

MIKE: ‘’Or that you chose affordability over luxury…. And…. that you’re mature…. Because it’s a predictable option. And that you have a willingness to drive and maintain an older vehicle.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Man….. Wazowski….. you just pulled that outta fucking cereal box?’’

MIKE: ‘’No! Now, me, personally…. I’m a bit sentimental for Ciera owners…. ’cause my mom used to drive one when I was a teenager.’’

[Randall just stares at Mike.]

RANDALL: ‘’Oh, yeah?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Wow. You hurt from that stretch?’’

[Randall starts to light a cigarette.]

MIKE: ‘’You’re smoking in a brand-new CAH? Are you fucking for real right now? You-you wouldn’t catch me dead smoking in my CAH!’’

[Randall ignores him and holds out a cigarette.]

RANDALL: ‘’You wanna bum a smoke?’’

MIKE: ‘’No! I…. I gave it up years ago….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Weak.’’

MIKE: ‘’That shit gives you the cancer.’’

RANDALL: ‘’We’re all gonna die anyway.’’

[Randall shrugs and smokes, completely unbothered…. Mike rolls down the window…]

TRANSTION TO:

INT. STAGE- NIGHT

[The lights suddenly change…. The parking lot seems to fade away… Randall and Mike are suddenly sitting in a prop vehicle instead of a real one… they’re back on the stage that we saw in the Prologue. They seem to stop in time as Sulley strums a guitar somewhere ON STAGE LEFT.]

SULLEY:

[sing-song]: 🎵 Mike Wazowski was a young boy, But he had a gift to give… He could make you see how the world could be: [sings]: In spite of the way that it is [sing-song]: And Randall Boggs was a young man, But he’d seen how the world was… When he fell, he fell in spite of himself, In love with Mike Wazowski… 🎵

[The spotlight FADES OUT on Sulley.]

TRANSITION TO:

INT. RANDALL’S CAR- DAY

[We’re back in the car with Mike and Randall.

Randall pretends to remain indifferent towards Mike… on the surface, anyway. Deep down, he’s somewhat touched by Mike’s childlike optimism. And Randall has always been somewhat of a pessimist… but Mike’s innocence is getting to him. He tries to cover up.]

RANDALL: ‘’Y’know something, Wazowski? You’re so damn cute….. until you’re not.’’

[Mike just stares. He starts blushing twenty shades of red.]

MIKE: ‘’Um………….. that’s derogatory.’’

RANDALL: ‘’What is?’’

MIKE: ‘’Cute… don’t call me that.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Fuck outta here, will ya? Fucking Mr. Know-It-All over here. You’re a fucking geek, y’know that? Hell, if I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ. I mean it’s kinda cute, not gonna lie… but it’s annoying as Hell. That’s what Johnny used to say… you remember Johnny? Roar Omega Roar?’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah…. Johnny Worthington… the third… as if two wasn’t enough…. how can I forget that unholy abomination? He looked like a personified STD.’’

RANDALL: ‘’That’s the one. Boy, I’m telling you…. The guy really let himself go! Johnny over here looking like he’s a McDonald’s Cheeseburger and one large Pepsi away from being built like Ash Trevino.’’

MIKE: ‘’How the hell would you know that? You’ve seen him around?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Dude, have you been living under a fucking rock? He manages Fear Co.’’

MIKE: ‘’Oh………. I thought that was his dad.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, well, Daddy Warbucks cashed in his chips…. Where the fuck have you been? This was… geez, I dunno…. three years ago.’’

MIKE: ‘’Well…. I….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Right, you’ve always lived in your own little world. Couldn’t be bothered with the real world.’’

MIKE: ‘’That’s not-‘’

RANDALL: ‘’Well, anyway, and he’d say, about you, dude: ‘Most Adorable Monster on Campus… I’d like to screw his brains out and then I’d choke him to death with his own brain stem.’ He’s right, y’know.’’

MIKE: ‘’Uuum………. Ookaaay?’’

RANDALL: ‘’So, now you’re the Most Adorable Monster in the Freakin’ Factory… and it’s more annoying than fifty cell phones going off in a crowded movie house during the best movie of the year.’’

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, well… I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you, either, so there.’’

RANDALL: ‘’I’m acquired taste, babe. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste. Which is asking too much…. ’cause you couldn’t even taste a bottle of Louisiana hot sauce.’’

[He flicks his ashes at Mike, who flinches.]

MIKE: ‘’Yeah, well…. You were my first thought this morning. It reminded me to take out the trash.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Flattery won’t get you three feet up a bull’s ass with me…’’

MIKE: ‘’Sure. Flattery’s like gum. Chew, don’t swallow.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, and I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying, Sweetheart.’’

MIKE: ‘’Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew, which wasn’t much to begin with.’’

RANDALL: ‘’I’m just glad you’re stringing words into coherent sentences now.’’

MIKE: ‘’I’m glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah? So much for education. We were happily married for three whole months…. But unfortunately, we’ve been married for five years.’’

MIKE: ‘’Four years and seven months.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Who’s counting? Four years too long if you ask me.’’

MIKE: ‘’That sounds like a you problem. Anyway, I don’t have time for this…. You’re-you’re wasting my time.’’

RANDALL: ‘’I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.’’

[Mike rolls his eye. This can go on all day….. with the constant shade throwing, and the need for them to wipe each other on the floor, to clock each other, outsmart, outclass each other in their battle of the wits, it’s the nastiest read you’ve ever seen someone give, like these divas spill so bad LMFAO…. It’s a game no one wins….]

MIKE: ‘’Alright, lookit….. Enough already! Do you have the tape or not?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah…. I have a copy of it…. I lost the original…. But it’s pretty good condition if you-‘’

[Mike leaps up from his seat and practically gets on his knees and begs.]

MIKE: ‘’…. That I can maybe just borrow? Just for a day??? Please, Randall, I’ll do anything…. I’ll…. I’ll…. I’ll be by your side every day, hovering over you like a mother hen, for as much as my spare time as I can—bringing you fish, washing your car, bringing you firewood, bringing you umbrellas and rubbers whenever it rains, washing your apartment windows, beating the rug, sweeping the floor, waxing the furniture, baking you a cake—uh, your favorite! Banana cream pie!!! Or was it coconut??? Anyway, whatever!…. Nothing’s too good for the man who saved my life!’’

RANDALL: ‘’Fucking whoa, brotha!!!…. Okay… wait… look….’’

MIKE: ‘’No, no, even better’n that, I’ll, I’ll…. I’ll be your assistant for the whole week. For the whole month!!! Sulley will just have to cope, oh well, that’s life… but…. I… you-you don’t understand…. Randall…. Humphrey Bogart IS my life!!!! I…. I have to see that movie!!!!!!!!’’

[Randall lightly pushes Mike against the forehead, making him sit his ass down.]

RANDALL: ‘’Hey, kid…. Hold your fire… look… I… I can’t let you borrow it.’’

[Mike’s face crumbles like a cookie….]

MIKE: ‘’Wait…. What? But I thought-’’

RANDALL: ‘’No, just shut the fuck up, just shut up for a minute, okay and lemme talk? Look….. I can let you watch it. Hell, I can let you have it for keeps……. For a small fee. I ain’t giving out no free samples, I mean what do you think, this is a fucking bake sale or some shit?’’

[Mike silently curses himself. He should’ve known there would be a catch. This is *Randall Fucking Boggs* we’re talking about! He’s practically making a deal with the Devil.]

MIKE: ‘’Umm… okaaaay? How much’re you asking for it?’’

RANDALL: ‘’How much you got?’’

MIKE: ‘’Well……. In my locker…. I have, uh…… just enough to cover lunch, which I’m not gonna eat anyway… Celia got mad at me, and she went to go get a shrimp chop salad with her girlfriends from the front office….’’

RANDALL: ‘’ ’Ight, so how much?’’

MIKE: ‘’Um… maybe 100 bucks, give a take a few pennies?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Jesus Christ, how expensive is this lunch!?’’

MIKE: ‘’Well, I was planning to pick up the bill for myself and Celia…. At the bakery across the street. The Omelette Baguette was $16.90, the Tuna Baguette was $13.90, unless she wanted the Smoked Salmon, then it was $14.90, and then we’d split the Avocado Toast Baguette, $14.90, with a side of salad, $13.90… and for desert, the Lemon Meringue Tart was $8.50 and the Tiramisu was $9.00, then we might’ve shared a Pistachio Raspberry Almond Croissant for $5.95… and a Cappuccino for me for $4.75 and a Pink Baby for her, $5.95.’’

RANDALL [sighs and shakes his head]: ‘’Jesus, man…. fucking inflation, I’m telling you… and it’s only gonna get fucking worse with this fucking Energy Crisis…. Dude, man, Wazowski, that’s ridiculous, even for a fucking bakery!!!…. Of course, I mean… you don’t havta order half the fucking menu…. And you guys can stand to lose a couple pounds-‘’

MIKE: ‘’Hey!’’

RANDALL: ‘’But a meal for two shouldn’t be almost 100 bucks, either way, especially ’cause those bakeries got small-ass portions…. It wouldn’t feed a fucking Typhon. You might as well just get yourself the kid’s meal at fucking Ralph’s if you wanna starve yourself. Fuck that shit, I can grab a whole fucking cheddar smokie Hades Hound for two bucks and a mud cake mocha latte for two-fifty at the fucking gas station!!’’

MIKE: ‘’This ain’t no C-store food, Randall. Of course it’s a little on the pricey side… It’s French.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Who the fuck cares? Man, you’d break the bank for that fucking broad??? In this fucking economy? Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?’’

MIKE: ‘’Hey, man, you keep my girl outta your mouth!’’

RANDALL: ‘’I plan to.’’

MIKE: ‘’Alright, well, you want the bread or not?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah….. but that ain’t gonna cut it.’’

MIKE: ‘’The Hell you mean?’’

RANDALL: ‘’I need a Miami handshake, too.’’

MIKE: ‘’A what?’’

RANDALL: ‘’What’re you, wet behind the ears? A BJ, man.’’

[Mike just stares, absolutely mortified. Randall keeps a straight face… until he can no longer hold it in…. he screws up his face like he’s going to bust a gut…. Then he bursts into laughter.]

RANDALL: ‘’Get outta here, Wazowksi! You fat motherfucker! I’m just kidding!’’

[Mike sighs in relief.]

MIKE: ‘’Oh…’’

RANDALL: ‘’Man, you shoulda seen the look on your face! I should’ve taken a picture, it’d’ve lasted longer!’’

MIKE: ‘’So…. I mean…?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, no, I don’t want that much, man, for a fucking tape of all things? 100 bucks? I mean, c’mon, I’m an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole…. You’re burning a hole in your pocket or something? I’ll take, uh… let’s say, forty, and you keep the rest for Sophia.’’

MIKE: ‘’Celia.’’

RANDALL: ‘’That’s what I said. Deal?’’

MIKE: ‘’Well…. Gee, I dunno, Randall…. Coke on the street costs…. what? Only $25?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Per gram, though, not like… in total…. Shit, man, the good stuff can cost anywhere between $200 and $400 a gram… One kilo of meth is like, $15,000, dude…. Jesus, first day outta the nursery, huh, Wazowski?’’

MIKE: ‘’How would you know?’’

RANDALL: ‘’My cousin, Vinny… y’know…. He deals with that fucking shit. I don’t get mixed up in all that… like I really need the fuzz bugging my phone or some shit. C’mon, forty’s nothing!’’

MIKE: ‘’Alright…. Fine…. Forty…’’

[Mike looks a bit reluctant to peel off that much, but he’s desperate. Randall looks at him moping…… Mike be looking like a kicked puppy with a big sad puppy eye.]

RANDALL: ‘’Okaaaaay, fine…..since I’m feeling generous, I’ll give you 15% off.’’

MIKE: ‘’$34… okay… that’s…Well…… I mean…… really? That’s all?’’

RANDALL: ‘’That’s my final offer, man, take it or leave it.’’

MIKE: ‘’But I mean… you don’t want anything else?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, no, we’re good!’’

[Knowing Randall, it seems too good to be true.]

MIKE: ‘’……….Are you sure?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, man! C’mon, I don’t want the keys to your fucking house or nothing, Christ on a cracker, it’s just a fucking tape….’’

MIKE: ‘’Okay, well….. I’ll…. Uh…. When we go back in, I’ll slip you the dough… and… well… when do I get the tape?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on.….. I’ll get you the tape tomorrow. You can follow me home after work or some shit… I got it locked up in a fucking safe… I ain’t bringing it here…. there’s fucking cameras high and low. The CDA will be on us before you can say, ‘Jack Robinson.’’’

[What if he takes his money and doesn’t deliver the goods?]

MIKE: ‘’You promise?’’

RANDALL: ‘’Spit on my finger, hope to die-’’

MIKE: ‘’Stick a needle in my eye.’’

[They both stop and stare at each other….]

MIKE: ‘’We…. Used to say that all the time….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah….’’

MIKE: ‘’Well…. Anyway…… um….’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, so…….’’

[Awkward silence. The noon whistle blows. Mike leaps out of the car, breaking the uncomfortable silence.]

EXT. MONSTES, INC.- PARKING LOT- DAY

MIKE: ‘’Yes, sir! Happy days are here again!’’

[Randall follows him, and they walk back to the factory together.]

RANDALL: ‘ ’Ight, man. We square?’’

MIKE: ‘’Fuck yeah! Grool!’’

RANDALL [raises an eyebrow]: ‘’Grool?’’

MIKE [awkwardly]: ‘’I… uh…. I meant to say ‘great’…. And then I started to say ‘cool’ and…. it came out… like… grool.’’

RANDALL [shrugs]: ‘’Cute.’’

[Randall purposedly exhales cigarette smoke in Mike’s face, who starts to cough up a lung.]

RANDALL: ‘’ ’Ight. Grool.’’

[Randall starts for the door; Mike gently grabs him by one of his hands and Randall nearly flinches out of his skin…. He’s not used to being touched like that.]

MIKE: ‘’Randall, wait-‘’

RANDALL: ‘’What?!’’

[He wrestles his arm free from Mike’s little fingers.]

MIKE: ‘’I saw it on the Company Calander, and it almost slipped my mind.’’

RANDALL: ‘’Yeah, what? Is it Talk Like a Pirate Day?’’

MIKE: ‘’Um…… Happy Birthday.’’

[Randall just scowls at him.]

RANDALL: ‘’Wazowski… do me a favor and go fuck yourself.’’

>

End Chapter One.

[P.S. I ship Mike + Randall so hard…. I ship it like FedEx.]

🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈 🌈

-----------------------------------------------

BONUS:

[TRIVIA NOTES:

1. Mike’s ‘’armchair critic’’ review of Kiss Me, Kate is my exact thoughts and feelings about the PBS Great Performances version of that show….. I love the movie but this particular production was…….. well, it was.

2. On Mike and Randall’s ‘’Noo Yawk’’ accents, obviously it was based on Billy Crystal (South Shore Long Island) and Steve Buscemi (East New York Brooklyn). According to their Scare Cards, they were both born and raised in Monstropolis which makes sense considering their accents. Monstropolis according to Pixar animators was of course based on NYC in the 1960s. According to Sulley’s Scare Card, he was born in Sludge Falls, a smaller city outside of Monstropolis, and I think they did that on purpose due to John Goodman’s Missouri Midwestern accent. So, I based Sludge Falls off of his hometown, Affton, MO. He was also raised Southern Baptist and his family has roots in the Ozarks, so I made Sulley part of the same denomination.

3. Randall’s car is the same model Steve Buscemi drives in the movie Fargo (1996), except the one in the movie is an 1986 or 1987 model.

4. I named Randall’s mom after Apollonia Vitelli-Corleone, Michael’s Sicilian wife played by Simonetta Stefanelli in The Godfather (1972). I always thought she had a beautiful name.

5. ‘’bringing you fish, washing your car, bringing you firewood’’…. This was a line from The Andy Griffith Show episode, ‘’Andy Saves Gomer.’’

6. Randall has the memory of a dead gnat, and it’s sort of a running gag in this story. It’s mainly because I’m only 28, and I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast, so I thought it’d be funny that Randall C.R.S. (can’t remember shit)…. Another running gag is that he can NEVER remember Celia’s name. He’ll call her Cynthia, Sophia, Amelia, Camelia, Ophelia, etc. Everything BUT Celia.

7. ‘’Grool’’ was a line from the Mean Girls musical movie (2024) when Aaron invites Cady to his friend Chris’s Halloween party. Cady is super adorkable cuz she has an obvious schoolgirl crush on Aaron and Cady is a Math Nerd, but she’s so head over heels that he literally changes the chemistry of her brain and she says, ‘’Grool’’ instead of what she meant to say. ‘’I meant to say ‘great,’ and then I started to say ‘cool.’ ‘’ Since Mike is super adorable and awkward, I thought that line would fit him. Again, I’m gonna be dropping musical references like dropping out of college. In this Frame Narrative, Randall is basically a Regina George Mean Girl and Mike is the sweet, innocent, Cady Heron (in their college days, they have opposite personalities and will switch their roles where Randy is more sweet and naive and Mike—though not necessarily Street Smart—has a childlike wisdom and takes Randy under his wing…. So, we will see that in flashbacks later in the story, and how Randy becomes a Mean Girl with his association with Johnny and the RORs).

TO BE CONTINUED...

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