Just want to kill myself
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@curious-enigma
Just want to kill myself
I want to kill myself.....
Why....
After all the pain... after all the heartbreak... you had to come back into my life... why? Why?!? I was getting better... I might if not been happy, Iām never actually been happy. But still, I wasnāt miserable and in pain as I yearned for your love... and after you threw me to the side you decided to be friends again... and now you tell me you are breaking up with your fiancĆ©? You fucking kidding me.... I wish this could be a great thing for me but you donāt fully want me... you just want me to spoil you and use me till you get this army guy in your life.... I hate that I canāt say no to you...Iām going to break soon and I canāt wait to be done with this pain......
Why am I crashing so hard after our magical week? Is it because it was so sudden and now knowing that this will be the first night in 6 months I will know that you wonāt be able to call me to hang out... why am I always the fatal third wheel... The coworker that feel hard for me was right.... I am going to hurt more then ever...why couldnāt I just accepted her Love and try to break away from you? She got emotionally destroyed because of my love for you Wittle one....Iāll be forever her reminder not to fall too deeply in love with someone... I cursed her....for you....it will always be for you...please make it stop... Iām not strong enough to separate myself from the love you give me. Should I do the ultimatum? Either love me or him...not both... is that possible?
Where do I even start...
Maybe the fact that you had a week away from your family and it was one of my favorite weeks with you.... even though your fiancĆ© was still with you, we had a magical week together. We connected sexually again and it was an emotional connection for both of us, seeing that we kept talking about it afterwards... then one night that week, you cooked dinner for your fiancĆ© but invited me as soon as I was free and we all dressed up fancy like. Apparently you were preparing this all night according to your fiancĆ©... you painted a thank you note of appreciation for helping you two the past few months... and you painted it on the back of the puzzle we put together after our major breakup.. it helped us bond back together... when I saw that I almost cried. The next night I cooked for you two and you held the stuffie, I first bought you, the whole time and colored in the book I gave you.... then on the day after your family came in you wore the personal necklace I got you with that stuffie... but now with family back and fiancĆ© being a Alpha dog, control freak, you are pushing me back.... why canāt we just be together... we have such a great connection and everyone around you seems to just bring you down. Especially when they see us together. Idk... Iām getting destroyed seeing you loose strength....again. I wish I could help you but your so deep in being emotionally abused with your fiancĆ©, you canāt see you are more worthy for someone better then both of us. Or am I a fool like everyone tells me... that you are just using me.
I told you I needed a friend that night.... you decided to not let me take you home and go off with someone else randomly. I almost killed my self That night Wittle one. You told me I was just jealous but in fact just needed you by my side. Not even sexually either....just someone to talk to... but no, you acted like you didnāt give a shit... I donāt know what the hell is going on with you. Ever since your FiancĆ© moved in with you, your actions have been irratic. I know you have been dealing with him being a fucking child about everything you do. Every night he goes off in a hissy fit it seems. But Because he has a giant dick you just forgive him? I donāt know how much longer I can take this... thankfully I did message my old friends that night and one of them came to me before I could end it.... why canāt I care about life anymore? I donāt even know what Iām saying....
Why am I like this
The worse thing about suicide isnāt dying... Itās not seeing if the person you love actually cares about you... or if anyone for that matter...
Please just let me give up......
Are you evil....I lay here on the ground putting the pieces together of what might be one elaborate plan to keep me controlled. Wittle one.... you know Iām fucking lonely, you know the person Iām trying to date so I donāt have to crave your touch, as you are with your fiancĆ©... did you give me one amazing beautiful night just so she would find out to break up with me?..... itās not fair, but maybe I donāt deserve her because I let you burst through my soul again. You actually snuck over and we spent the night together for the first time in years. We held each other literally ALL night after an exotic moment of heavy breathing and shaking bodies. In the morning we just cuddled and stared at each other.... and I know this all sounds mushy but believe me everyone, Iām halfway through life and this is the first time to experience something like it... she even let me shower her while she was in āLittle Spaceā. BUT.... come to find out you placed pics of you in my shirt on snap, having the girl ask me all the questions why. Then that night in all of us hanging together you caused a jealousy scene. EVEN after all the talk with being okay with this lady and I Dating. I donāt know what to do... you are trying to have your cake and eat it too without giving me a slice...just crumbs for me to beg for more... I hate that Iām deeply in love with you
I guess we are done.... your family finally broke us...with the help of your fiancĆ© who hated that we were just friends.... I donāt know what to do.... you, my Wittle, was the greatest thing that ever Happened in my life and I helped fuck it up by trusting the wrong people... why do I have to be so emotional... why do I have to hold my heart on my sleeve... I feel so dead I canāt even think on what to say next. I donāt even want to do hashtags because it seems silly to me to be this emotional and then be extra like Iām calling for attention.... but how else can I get this experience of my fall out there before I end myself...others have to experience the same thing right?...we all canāt be alone....goodbye
I often think about if I made the right decision on not killing my self... in the time between that event, I have fallen deeply in love with someone and have been brutally destroyed by the situation of our love... not by our own accord, but by others... was it worth living the past few months and experiencing this fall? Is it to just remind me on why I wanted to do it in the first place?.....idk... I just know I canāt take this anymore.
Here we are again.... moving too fast....tripping over our actual lives that are around us. Wittle one.... I fucking love you and you struggle to feel the same now. Your family had a schism because of that love... how can it bring so much destruction? On that night, you tried to be the better person and talk to them and they shut you down from ever getting to talk...then you shut me down because of it. You even threatened me, you were so hurt..... now even though you apologized, itās not the same... your happiness has faded and they still get on to you.... I think I need to disappear so you can be happy..
I want to feel as beautiful and wanted as that sky... #skyporn #beautifulsky #beautifulskies #texasSky #texasSkies #sky #skies #NoFilter https://www.instagram.com/p/BytqNselJyV/?igshid=ejy4a2ekskke
I need to disappear... https://www.instagram.com/p/ByL9FZWFiNd/?igshid=rv34fsgt1u0a
Iām going to go real emo for a moment... Iām going to start sketching again like I used to as a kid... thank you for that special person to push me to do so... just another outlet along stupid sky pics and sexy coloring. So please bare with me as I post horrible looking lead scratches along with useless sad boi words... https://www.instagram.com/p/BxwVENflieI/?igshid=hm9r15ppwsrn