Hi grandma, it’s me. On your birthday I reflect a lot on myself. Am I someone you’re proud of, yes. Is it someone you should be proud of? No. I can’t say I have many accomplishments that you’d be thrilled about. I can’t say I’m a better man than I was last year. Hell, I feel like I can barely say I’m a man. I’m depressed, I feel alone in a room full of people, I have issues opening up because I constantly feel like a burden, I deal with the same issues and I know people are sick of the same old song, I know I’m so fucked up that people tend to run away and distance themselves. I know I can be better. I am constantly fighting to be. I break a lot, I try to put myself together so I can continue. I want to believe in myself, I want to feel and know I’m going to become everything you expected of me and more. I want to believe that I’m lovable and deserve it. I want to believe that I don’t ruin everything I love and touch. Even if it feels the opposite right now I want to believe because of the hope you instilled in me. The hope you had of me, the praise you had for me carries me on a lot of days. I thank you. I thank you for being so damn hardheaded and believing in me and knowing what I was doing was just the start. I have to earn every praise you gave me. It’s hard because there are times where I wanna die. I harm myself to ease my mind, because it hurts to feel like my mind is the main reason why I always feel alone. It hurts to feel like I’m my father reincarnated and I’m falling into his old habits because nothing makes sense. It hurts to have fears of losing my mom and my uncle and knowing I’m not enough to be there for my family when they need me. It hurts to know that I’m a dreamer. It hurts to know that at the end of the day I’m a hopeless romantic who’s going to be alone. But you don’t want that for me, so I’m going to fight to prove you right and me wrong. If I die trying, I die trying. I know your energy is protecting me constantly and I’m sorry for the work you make me do, the countless times you found me in my bathtub in the early mornings, the friends you possess before I make dumb decisions. I put you through hell even in the afterlife. I apologize, just know I’m working on it and I’m working on being better. I love you and I miss you so much
