sam !! 🫀

he/they {20} audhd // mostly oc art but its become poems now // follow my digi cam blog @digi-sam

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fuucckkk i miss my ex’s mom’s baking so much she’s SUCHH a good baker

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whatever it is about autistic trauma that makes you want something physically bad to happen to you so people will pity you and take care of you and understand your hurt is so fucked because NO i dont wanna get into a car crash NO i dont want someone to beat me up but that part of my brain is like “oooh but if you were hospitalized youd see how much people actually care and theyd give you so much attention oooh”

its like how i wanted a cast or glasses as a kid but worse

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if i had a nickle for every time alex beat up a guy and then brought him into the er to take care of him and avoided the “what happened” question id have two nickles. its not alot but its weird its happened twice

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5 months post breakup constantly going back n forth on wanting and not wanting to be in a relationship is wild im daydreaming about lovey dovey cozy stuff and the kind of partner i want but i am also enjoying being single and working on myself more than anything rn

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something i think is so funny abt the hermitcraft / minecraft youtuber community is that nobody really knows how old etho is but act like hes in his 40s and are so amused when he uses gen z slang

maybe hes in his late 20s… who knows..

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love was enough

maybe theres another version of us where love was enough

where my love was enough to show you how you could love yourself

where you didnt convince yourself every horrible thought was true

maybe theres another version of us where we had already learned everything we are learning now

so we didnt have to go through what we did

and love was enough

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twenty/sixteen

i dont think i ever thought about what my life would be like at twenty

not because i didnt think id make it this far

but because i couldnt think that far ahead

as a kid i dreamed of sixteen, sixteen was tall and mature, fun and sensual

at sixteen i didnt feel like any of those things

sixteen felt soul crushing, chaos in my heart and body every day. finding out who i was, who my family was, begging to be loved by people who really didnt care that much

now im four years above that and i have no idea what life will be like in another five

i cant think about what my life will be like at twenty-five, or even twenty-one but im okay with that

im loving twenty and im gonna keep loving it until its gone

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living in a small town as the youngest sibling means almost every person you meet who also grew up there will know your siblings and not you

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what is with shows and having absolute shit finales lately😭😭 im specifically thinking about stranger things and the amazing digital jax but ik theres at least one or two others ive seen recently

i really enjoyed the tadc finale but it was ALL jax and i just think its weird that jax is so obviously goose’s favorite and played off as this super complex and interesting character when in reality shes just abusive as fuck even if its in a self-isolating way

why did we delve into jaxs backstory and not the main character pomnis? why not ragatha, or gangle, or any of the others? why not scratch and kinger??? yeah we got a summary of what happened when they created caine but i wanna know what their lives were like. why were they all the same age at the bus stop when they all joined the circus at different ages in different years?? who are those other people that were there in the start? how did everyone find the headset that brought them into the circus?? this show was so good but terribly written by the end and kinda predictable throughout

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im thinking about how youve been masking less and less with me lately and how youve gotten more comfortable with me

its reminded me of a few years ago when we got close enough to call each other our best friends and how i felt like i was meeting a new person

every few years we change, every few years we meet again. i like you more every time

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boyhood

what even is boyhood?

grass stained jeans

scuffed hands

bloody knees

thats all i ever see in the poems

but girlhood, girlhood is something different.

its not just sparkles and cupcakes and dresses, but the understanding that you were born into a world whose sole purpose is to shove you down and make you small.

the understanding that you have to be there for each other and love despite it.

but girls can have grass stained jeans

scuffed hands

and bloody knees

so what even is boyhood?

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i never saw the henderhop ship until after stranger things ended and i strongly believe el should not be in a relationship with anyone, but i think its a very cute ship and way better than any other ship ive seen with el, other than max. he would treat her so well and they would be nerds together

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gotten into poetry lately, here’s some things ive written

soft & quiet

sitting in the park, staring straight up into the sky, i see all the little bugs floating around in my eyes. I feel they are the same as the energy in the atmosphere; birds in the sky, fish in the sea. i thank the trees for their shade, their air, and the soft sound the leaves make as the wind moves rhem. i wonder, why does man worship the machine so loud and destructive, when mother earth holds us so soft and quiet?

promise

im sorry i broke my promise

my promise to never leave

my promise that we could get through anything

i always said nothing is permanent, but i guess i thought your place in my life would be

im sorry i broke my promise

but your empty promises were breaking me

tiny poem about friendship, romance, and the blurry line between them

i have felt more understood and loved by my friends than i have by any lover in my life. maybe theres something romantic in that, for they are lovers after all

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epilogue willow and scythe! :3

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scythe n seb as 13/14 year olds :((

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lil sketchy sketch