No longer a ghost

"Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists... the ones that do call him the Winter Soldier" (art credit to owner)

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

“Bucky, you’re not selfish.” she replied grabbing his hand back into hers and keeping it there. She just wanted to feel a part of him again. Even if it wasn’t him. “None of this is your fault. You didn’t ask for this. I sure didn’t. Shit happens. And it all happens for a reason. Life gives you these things to challenge you and to see how you deal with it. And I’m clearly failing at dealing well with it.” she shook her head and looked down at their hands. “I can’t lie to you and say that I’m not because I am. I’m so…angry. at everything. Starting with our argument that lead to all of this. I keep going back to how horrible I treated you and it led to you leaving, leaving you vulnerable to them to take. None of this would’ve happened if I wouldn’t have been tempted by my powers. And I lost one of the best things in my life and you got back a part of you that I’m sure you didn’t want back. So if anyone should be apologizing, it should be me! You’re just a victim in all of this. And yes you’re fine now, but it’s not fair that everytime I see you, it’s not you. Or just a part of you. And I’m pissed off that I can’t change that!” She cried out, angrily wiping her tears knowing her mascara was probably running down her face but she didn’t care. “Now I’m the one ruining the date.” she laughed softly and squeezed his hand softly once she saw the sadness in his eyes. “Im sorry Bucky. I really am. I know you can’t remember much but how can you even agree to be around after what I did? You put all the blame on yourself but fuck Bucky, don’t you have something to say to me too? don’t you have something to be angry at me for?” As much as Bucky felt like he was the blame, she felt the exact same way. She still felt like this was all her fault. She didn’t come and agree to this expecting the night to go this way but in a way, this was what she needed. She needed to talk this out. She needed to get it off her chest.

“They’d been keeping an eye on me ever since they let me go, so them taking me isn’t your fault.  None of this is your fault it’s their fault and mine.  I know you said I’m not being selfish but aren’t I?  Asking you to keep comin’ around when I know you wish it was Cris and not me, that’s, that’s not fair to you whether you want to be around me or not.”  He sighed looking at his metal hand wishing so much that things were different, that he hadn’t been turned into this, had never been introduced in anyone’s life and had only lived the one life and been put to rest then.  His therapist had told him it was dangerous, thinking about and idealizing the idea that he should’ve died when he fell from the train, but there were times when he couldn’t help it, like now.  He looked at the tears that fell down Mila’s face and it made him think about how much happier her life would be if HYDRA had left him for dead when he fell from the train.  “If I remembered anything I probably would but I’m not angry at you, what would be the point?  The only people I’m angry at is them.  They took away my whole life and replaced it with death and destruction.  They used me to ruin peoples lives and you’re no different and neither is Steve.  They made me into someone that you fell in love with and then tried to make me kill you and now I’m stuck in this permanent in between where I’ll never be anyone but this fucked up mess ever again.  I’ll never be that guy that you fell in love with, and they did that to you.  I’ll never be James again, they took that from me and Steve and I’ll never truly be the soldier again because being that ruthless and driven scares me.  It’s not just my life they fucked over it’s yours, and Steve’s and Tony’s and anyone else I or the soldier or Cris ever came into contact with.  So no, even if I did remember more of my time as Cris I wouldn’t have anything angry to say to you.  I’m just Bucky now, and all I can ever say is how sorry I am that they did this to you.  It might’ve been their fault and my mind may not have been my own, but you were with me, those people I killed saw my face, and it was my hands and I’ll never be able to fix what they did to you when they took him away from you and I’m so sorry for that.”  He shook his head chuckling softly as he thought about Steve, “If it helps Steve looks at me like I kicked is puppy everyday when he realizes that I’ll never be the Bucky he grew up with again.  So this isn’t the worst version of this conversation I had,” He put a metal finger under her chin and lifted it so she was looking at him, “At least we didn’t almost get thrown out for breaking through the walls like Steve and I.”  He shrugged, standing and letting her hand go to move to the counter where he picked up the cheesecake and set it on the table in front of her.  “Your birthday right? He... I... made this for your birthday and then played you happy birthday on the piano, right?  Did I remember that right?”

[simplyxmila]

Mila listened to what he was saying, nodding on so he would know that she was paying attention to him as she rolled up the pasta around her fork and took her first bite. She smiled, devouring every delicious as her taste buds danced with joy from how delicious this pasta was. She had forgotten how much she loved his cooking. She liked hearing him talk about Steve. His childhood friend. She hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting him yet but Bucky was always talking so much about him now that it felt like she already knew him. She could tell how much his friendship meant to him and for once she didn’t see him struggling with his feelings. Not when it came to Steve. But that all shifted once they got to talking about how he was doing. She could tell all the testing and therapy was getting to him. In worse ways than good. And the way he described the nightmares seemed so realistic, it sent a shiver down her spine. “Oh no, no don’t be ridiculous. You’re not dumping all this on me. And it’s not the easiest things to hear but it’s not depressing. I’m happy you feel comfortable enough to let things out with me. It makes me happy that you do. But that’s good news right? You’ll still be watched over but at least no more stressful court meetings like those. I bet those were hard to get through. But they can’t touch you. You did nothing wrong because you couldn’t control what was going on inside your mind. That’s not your fault.” Finishing up the last bite of her pasta, she relaxed back against her seat and took a sip of her wine, loving the taste in her mouth. But somehow along the way of their dinner date, Mila’s mind flashed back to a specific moment that happened between them as she shifted her eyes over to the piano that was sitting a few feet away from where they were. An image of them sitting there together, enjoying the music he started to play while she sang right beside him, the joy and happiness on both their faces. How he would stop every now and then to sing with her and then kiss her softly in the lips, stopping her beautiful melody. The memory was stuck pretty in there, she tried getting it out but to no such luck. Her eyes slowly began blurring and getting wet which only meant one thing.” I-uh… fuck this is harder than i thought it was going to be.” She complained placing her elbows on the table to hide her face as she felt her strong walls break down and crumble as she tried wiping her face clear of any tears. No matter how strong she should’ve been…she never properly got the closure she needed before when he left and now? Why couldn’t this shit be simple? Why couldn’t she have a normal day where she wasn’t constantly remembering the good she lost…

[cvllmebucky]

“I suppose I’m just glad they were able to do it without me ever having to testify.  Steve said they brought in the chair... the... the one they would use to wipe my memory and there’s no telling how it would’ve gone if I would’ve had to be there.  So I’m just lucky the judge said I could go through the trial without having to actually go to the court sessions.  Makes things easier on me and everyone else, to be honest.”  He shrugged as he talked between bites, doing his best not to steer the conversation into too much of a depressing territory.  Things had been wild for him ever since his mind had been unlocked, but he was finally getting to a point where he thought he could have more good days than bad and had hope, knowing his mind would never be full healed from certain things, that things in his life would get easier.  He stopped speaking as he saw her sort of phase out and look towards the piano that sat in the corner.  He wondered what she was thinking, what memory was coming to her, and once again felt bad that he couldn’t remember a lot of their time together.  He remembered bits and pieces and the feelings, those were strong, but when it came to a large percentage of the specifics he had no recollection and he felt bad for her, because here she had chose to stick around, while it was painful for him it had to be more painful for her.  He was a constant reminder of what she’d lost and there was nothing he could do to change or fix that.  They could be something now, friends, more, but he would always be that giant obstacle in the road of her mind, reminding her that she had lost something great and would never have the chance to get it back.  He was brought back when he heard her sniffling and realized she was crying, watching as she wiped tears from her face, and he felt bad for her, and like it was all his fault, even though he knew she would tell him that it wasn’t.  “I’m sorry... look I know this isn’t easy for you, in fact it’s probably harder for you than it is for me, at least this part.  I’ll understand if you never want to see me again after tonight or even talk to me.  I know I’m just a reminder of the person you lost, and I know it hurts you that I can’t remember a lot of the stuff that was important for you and, and Cris,”  He scooted his chair back and easily picked it up, setting it next to hers and placing his flesh hand on hers squeezing it lightly before pulling back.  “I feel selfish continuing to ask you to be a part of my life when I know how much it hurts you, and I know, you’ll say I’m not and you stick around because you want to.  That doesn’t mean what you’re feeling isn’t important and you’re allowed to tell me, it’s not going to fuck me up anymore than I already am.  In fact I think I’d feel better if you were even a little mad at me for all of this, whether it’s my fault or not I know you can’t very well be extremely happy about it.”

[simplyxmila]

“Cheesecake with blueberry sauce?” Mila felt her stomach explode with a million butterflies as she saw the dessert sitting on the kitchen counter. It had been one of the many desserts he had made for her during their time together and it was always her favorite of his. “I can’t believe you remembered…” She whispered but hopefully it was more to herself and he didn’t hear it. In her heart, she was touched that he had remembered something that meant so much to her in their relationship but perhaps he didn’t see it that way. Perhaps he jsut had the memory of making it stuck in his mind and he wanted to make it. She had got to stop comparing everything he did to what they used to have. This would never work if she continued to do so. “So, anyways uhm, thank you for you know offering to cook me dinner and everything. I know you used-you’re probably used to cooking for yourself so this might be a little strange huh?” She laughed nervously trying to cover up a mess up that she was sure would happen quite often tonight. “Let me just put the dessert in the fridge. Um, do you need any help finishing up or setting the table?” She asked after placing the dessert in a good spot in his fridge and turning around to walk towards the stove where many pots were sitting there steaming hot. “Everything smells delicious. Is that pasta?” Her stomach rumbled in hunger and she placed a hand on it to stop it from making too many embarrassing noises. “Oh i cannot wait to dig into this.” She smiled and grabbed a plate for her and him but was stopped and whisked over to the dinner table where a nice candle sat in between them and the bottle of ROse was already opened and poured into their glasses along with a glass of water. “Oh i didn’t even realize you opened it.” She let him sit her down as he busied himself in fixing them both a plate. “How uh, so how have you been?”

[cvllmebucky]

The way her eyes lit up at the dessert made him think he did something right, but he was disappointed in himself that he couldn’t remember why she would be excited about it.  He didn’t want to say anything and make her upset so he kept it to himself, instead smiling as he moved to seat her at the table and began to dole out the pasta.  “Actually I’m not used to cooking at all.  If I’m honest I have a hard time recognizing when my body is actually hungry because of the soldier conditioning.  He was trained not to need much sleep or eat, so a lot of the time now, Steve comes over when he can and makes me eat.  He says we have to eat a lot to maintain the metabolism the super soldier serum gives us so, he’s like a clock reminding me to eat, in those times when I don’t remember to eat or just don’t feel like it.”  Bucky shrugged and put the pasta dish onto her plate, added some salad and a piece of the garlic bread he’d made.  “This is, a dinner my ma, used to make when we had the money to buy the ingredients.  We weren’t poor, not like Stevie was, but we weren’t rich either.  So when we got to eat like this it was, special.  I’d invite Steve and he’d try to eat so much he’d make himself sick.”  Bucky chuckled softly as he made a plate for himself and set it in front of his place, trudging off to get the silverware he’d just realizing he’d forgotten.  Offering her the fork and knife with a smile he sat down at his own place, waiting for her to start before digging in himself.  “I’ve been... better.  Therapy is helping the three side of myself settle into each other and make it just me, but it’s still hard some days.  There are days when I wake up and have no idea who or where I am, but there’s been less of those.  I’ve just been keeping to myself trying to figure a way to keep this anger from making me hurt anyone.  I feel it bubbling up inside and I realize why... why people think I and the soldier are monsters.  The nightmares of the things he did and the punishments he went through if... if he didn’t do what they wanted, how they wanted don’t help but I try not to dwell on it if I can. Oh, sorry” he said realizing what he was talking about was probably depressing.  “I didn’t mean to dump all of that on you, uhm anyway, I guess on a lighter note the trial should be coming to an end soon.  Steve said they’ll probably just make it so that I’m still under government watch for a while, but that I won’t be found guilty and I’ll be found innocent via non compos mentis, because I was brainwashed the whole time.”

[simplyxmila]

Mila didn’t bother responding as her eyes traveled up to the apartment building that held so manydifferent memories for her. She didn’t mean to lie about being late or the reason why she was late. She had made it in time but she couldn’t find it in herself to get out of the car just yet. Strange feelings of the past suddenly flooded her mind and she tried getting them out, not wanting them while she was in there but she didn’t think it would be possible.She shared so many things in this place with Cris or well Bucky but he wasn’t Bucky at the time. He was Cris. But was still the same person but didn’t exactly remember everything that they went through. That was probably the hardest thing for her to get through altogether since getting him back. The adjustment of having him but having to start over in a sense…except her love for him never went away. “Come on Mila, pull it together. Just do it. You can do this. It’s all gonna be okay.” She talked herself a good pep talk before grabbing the bottle of Rose she bought along with the dessert she promised and opened the door to get out. She locked it behind her as she was buzzed into the apartment building and walked up to the third floor. His floor. Walking into the hallway, a memory of the drunken fool that had tried to take advantage of her popped in her mind. Cris was there beating the guy up to a pulp so vividly in front of her like a movie. She shut her eyes, blinking a couple of times and the image went away. She walked the rest of the way to his door and knocked and waited. A smile appeared to replace her frown as he opened the door and she was let in. “Hey, it’s good to see you.” An awkward silence appeared as she didn’t know how to greet him and opted to just hand over the dessert and wine. “Apple Pie and Rose. Wonderful combination. I hope you have ice cream!” 

[cvllmebucky]

Bucky had no idea what he was doing if he were to be completely honest.  He had been keeping to himself for a while, trying to figure out how to best deal with the overwhelming anger and resentment the soldier part of him had seemed to be holding inside.  For someone who was built not to feel anything the guy had sure kept a lot bottled in and unbridled rage seemed to be at the forefront.  It seemed best for everyone if he stayed in the apartment and didn’t go out, keeping innocent people out of harms way and not letting people find a way to paint him as the monster a good portion of the population thought he was.  He had been feeling better lately and had remembered what that newspaper, magazine, tabloid whatever had said about Mila and while she had told him he didn’t need to apologize he felt like he had to make it up to her somehow.  Not to mention the feelings that seemed to be rumbling around inside of him made him feel like even despite those things he wanted to see her just because he did.  She seemed to be the only person, besides maybe one or two others, from his fake life that actually cared enough to worry about him or even bothered to just want to see how he was doing.  When he’d asked her to dinner he’d had no idea what would come of it and then when she had accidentally called it a date, he found that maybe calling it that wouldn’t be so bad, and that wasn’t the residual feelings from ‘Cris’ talking this time either.  Sighing he looked at the spread he’d made.  A pasta dish that he had managed to remember all the ingredients of and a very prominent dessert dish that he seemed to not be able to get out of his mind, cheesecake with a blueberry sauce on top.  When he heard her knock on the door he sighed, running his flesh fingers through his long her, trying to make himself look halfway presentable even in one of the nicer shirts the girl on the other side of the door had helped him pick out.  When he opened the door her smile made his lips upturn slightly.  “It’s... nice to see you too, uhm thanks.  I know you said you were bringing dessert but I made one there was just a recipe stuck in my head that I couldn’t shake.  So, I hope that’s okay too,” He replied as he closed the door behind her and led her into the kitchen where he’d set dinner out on the table.

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

Text- Bucky: I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t coming. I’m picking something up at the store and then I’ll be right over. Uh…do you drink? What kind of wine do you like?

[text: mila] I can drink, I don’t really because it’s one of those what’s the point sort of things since I can’t get drunk.  So, whatever kind you want to bring is fine by me.

[simplyxmila]

Text- @cvllmebucky : Hey, i’m sorry I’m already late! They made us be present in a meeting and I just got out of it. I’ll be there in ten! 

[cvllmebucky]

[text: mila] it’s okay I was just finishing up things anyway.  You’re fine.

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

Text-Bucky: oh, I see now. That sounds like it’ll just have to take time. Hopefully not a lot and you can go about living a stress free life without the worry of the soldier popping back up. I’d be willing to help you if you need it.

Text-Bucky: uhm, I think that’s up to you to decide since you did ask me first. 🙈 but I don’t want this to be awkward. And that’s my fault. I’ll meet you at your place at 730 then. Would you like help cooking? or I can bring dessert?

[text: mila] I don’t think that’ll ever be a thing just because he’s just one part of what makes me who I am now.  I can’t get rid of him and everything he’s done and went through is a part of me too.  I’ve resigned myself to never being stress free again, but that’s just how life is.  So long as no one ever gets hurt again because of me, I’ll be fine.

[text: mila] well i’m pretty bad at social cues these days so i wouldn’t be sure if you wanted it to be... or... or not so if you want it to, it can be and if not, that’s okay too... I don’t want you to--to think you’re obligated or anything.

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

Text-Bucky: But, I thought they had it under control for you? So the Soldier is just continuing to fight to get released? It’s good that you’re self aware to not try and let people be in danger but isn’t that hurting you? 

Text-Bucky: That’s perfect. It’s a date then! 

Text-Bucky: Or not a date! Not a date. No…not one.

Text- Bucky: Sorry that was just-it just came out…

[text: mila] I probably should word that differently, it’s... it’s not separate from me, the tendencies, the feelings, the anger that I know I felt, but could never express as the soldier sometimes just bubbles up to the top because I can feel everything now.

[text: mila] ... it... it can be if you want.

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

text-Bucky: Hey, no worries. I wasn’t doing much so I’m glad I saw your text, I was rather bored. What happened? Is everything alright?

text: Bucky: Dinner? That would be really nice. I’d love that. I’m free tomorrow evening and Wednesday too. What works better for you?

[text: mila] yeah, everything’s fine now.  Just having a few setbacks in the ol’ brain damage department.  I don’t think the Soldier is enjoying the merger as much as other people probably think he should.  I just didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of possibly putting people in danger.

[text: mila]  Wednesday maybe 7:30?

[cvllmebucky]

[text @simplyxmila]  I know this is kind of out of the blue... I’ve been laying low for a while, some things happened and I didn’t want to be out in public just in case.

[text: mila] anyway I uhm... I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come over to my apartment some evening, when you’re free for... for dinner if... if you’d like?

[dailybuckybarnes]

[seabstan]

It always ends in a fight.

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

“You’re not a weirdo. There’s so much more to you that no one wants to even take the time to realize. They needed a reason to "expose” me or something. We were just easy targets it seems. I don’t care what was said about me. I’m expecting a lot more of this anyways. But it’s off limits to talk about someone they know nothing about. Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I should’ve…I should’ve anticipated someone would be following us. I guess I’ll have to be careful next time though.“

“Of course they don’t, because there’s three people here, Mila.  People like you and Steve who look past everything and see, Bucky Barnes.  People who see a broken and disabled War Veteran.  Then lastly, and the majority, people who see the cold blooded mechanical killer who’s spent his life on and off for the past fifty plus years killing people with zero remorse.  I wish there were more yous and Steve’s in the world who don’t look at me like they want to pet me because I’m a sad lost puppy, or who don’t want to cower in fear because they think I’m going to kill them.  So, yes I do apologize because they may have tried to make that story make you look bad, which I dunno it’s not possible you’re too good a person but they made it about me.   I’m just sorry they drug your name through it as well, just to get to me.  Also... sorry they... kept calling me your boyfriend.  I’m sure that’s the last thing you want.”

[cvllmebucky]

simplyxmila:

“Bucky…I …had no idea they had taken photos while we were out. I’m so sorry. This is such an invasion of privacy. I’ve been trying to get my lawyers on this but they haven’t had much luck in taking it down. What they said about you, it was out of line Buck. I’m really sorry. ”

“I don’t even care about the pictures.  I’m giant weirdo with a metal arm people are going to take pictures I’ve come to terms with that.  They should’ve left you out of it, though.  I can take what most people throw at me, half the people hate me, the others are confused, and some even seem to like me... like you.  I just don’t like the idea of people thinking I could and would just go out on a killing spree, like I enjoy the idea.  Knowing that blood is on my hands kills me every single day, and that weight is on my shoulders twenty-four, seven.  Anyway, I’m sorry they insulted you, there’s nothing wrong with you.”

[cvllmebucky]

“... knowingly.  If I had known what was happening to those people do you think I would’ve done it?  If I’d been in control do you think I would’ve let anyone turn me into some frozen killing machine.  Pfft... knowingly.”

[cvllmebucky]

I wanna fuck you so badly but I'm scared to say it to your face.

... I mean I’m a bit awkward these days and would probably be surprised as fuck, all things considered.  I’m not scary though, well, I don’t think I am anyway.

[cvllmebucky]

frvnkreloaded:

Frank continued to gaze straightforward at the fun fair being taken down, while that ridiculous carnival music still continued to play in the background. He already noticed someone was coming in to take a seat next to the former marine, but he didn’t feel like telling the person off so he just sat in silence until they spoke. “Barnes. Why ain’t I surprised that your ass is out here,” Frank wryly chuckled to himself, shaking his head. He remembered when Bucky was brainwashed and attacking the students at the school trying to kill them and one student in particular, Mila, but that wasn’t entirely his fault considering the brainwashing he’d experienced. “You in your right mind these days or has somebody spared you instead of putting you out of your misery?” he commented, reaching into his duffle bag to pull out a loaf of bread and begin to make himself a ham sandwich. While the two of them never really got the chance to speak much with one another, they were both former military soldiers who’d gone through one hell of a post-military career, never once getting the help that they rightfully deserved from the government. If it hadn’t been for Curtis he would’ve felt more isolated and empty inside than he’d ever felt before. “Hope you don’t mind the smell of mayo.”

“That depends on what you think is my right mind.”  Bucky shrugged his broad shoulders, shaking his head.  He looked down, flexing his metal hand, listening to the metal slats move as they slid to fit together and then apart when he opened his hand.  He heaved a sigh as he sat back onto the bench, his head tilted back as he stared into the sky.  Not really looking at anything in particular as he heard the person sitting next to him ruffling around his bag.  He shook his head, “Nah, man, do what you do.” He muttered clasping his hands together and fiddling flesh thumb against metal thumb.  He had heard of Frank Castle, or the man now known as The Punisher.  In fact he recalled a few things about him in Hydra’s files, though those were things they never touched or at least hadn’t yet.  To his own credit he was glad they hadn’t sent him anywhere near the man as, the things he remembered reading would only make him feel worse, and probably keep Frank after him even now.  “Just had to get out of that apartment.  Had a bad morning, Steve wouldn’t stop giving me that stupid sympathetic big blue eyed stare like I was gonna jump outta my apartment and start murdering people.  Though to his credit, I’ve been feeling like that might happen for the past few days.  There’s no barrier there anymore and the soldier gets restless.  Had to come out here and clear my head.”