venting or whatever @cys-angst - Tumblr Blog

cyrin be like *sends a text and then agonizes over it for 45 minutes*

:( lonely

#i shouldnt be.#i have a million friends #i just.#i asked two people if they wanted to hang out this weekend and theyre both out of town #i wanted to do something fun before i have to go to my homophobic (/transphobic/antivax/conservative/religious nut) aunts house on mon #:/

its the deep rooted self loathing for me

#wow lads! we are going through it tonight!

i am severely mentally ill

#/neg

i miss having friends

#i have exactly two people that a) still talk to me and b) dont treat me different

oh so i meant nothing to you? cool cool cool

this health class is gonna give me an ed and idk if im joking

im supposed to hang out with kay downtown on wednesday which is really great and cool because i love kay and i havent seen them in a while

except that we're gonna be hanging out on the campus of the school they attend. the one i got kicked out from. we did it a few weeks ago and it was so stressful bc a) everyone who say me wanted to say hi and check in (understandable be i kinda disappeared but also super overwhelming) and b) we were hanging with the tech kids during rehersal for the spring musical. the one i had to drop when i got kicked out. and i had a lead role too so it really stings

im kinda not looking forward to doing that again.

#like i really really want to see my friends again because i miss them so much it hurts but oh my god is it stressful to be on campus #and i cant say anything because kays anemic and i dont want to force them to walk around with me

you KNOW youre too attached when a depressive episode is spurred by dreaming that they texted you and waking up to find that no, youre still being ghosted

#hhhhhhh #and it sucks because i dont know if im actually being ghosted or if im just out of sight and out of mind #literally the only person who texts me outside of the groupchat is kay #which is great because i love kay but like. fuck i miss them #ok well kay and sometimes ares

asking out someone that im literally dating should not be this anxiety inducing

#we havent talked in over a week #its like. i know they like me.#but god i with they would fuckin show it #when we went to the same school it was easy #i saw them everyday we could talk and hang out all the time #but now its just. fucked up

whats really fucked up is that the Future hasnt seemed real

like i know its there, i have an idea of what i want but its all fake its all distant

but the Future is literally this december. just under ten months. i have exactly 300 days until its the Future and i have to do something with myself

#like damn slow down a little champ

omg intrusive thoughts! how fun and cool!

#hhhhhhhhhhhh

i am so fucking out of it rn

like you could tell me that the world is about to explode and i would literally not care

#i feel like shit

suidcide ment. in tags

on the one hand its nice to not have responsibilities.

on the other hand i do want to be dead

#it sucks that my parents are walking on eggshells around me #''please dont kill yourelf heres some icecream/fast food/sugary cereal #gonna bribe me out of suicide?#it would be funny if i didnt spend a third of everyday crying

funny how nice people are when theyre trying to convince you not to kill yourself :/

#my mom bought my favorite cereal and ice cream. and took me to get strbucks. and said that i can sleep over with my friend.#which is great #however i know that she wouldnt have done any of that if i wasnt this clost to going off the deep end

its fine im fine

#got kicked out :/#of school not my house #but emotionally it might a well have been both #i worked so damn hard to get where i am #or was #but not enough i guess #its fine im ok im fine #im ok #its funny #i told myself if i got kicked out it would be ok to kill myself #because i didnt think it would actually happen #but now...#well we'll see if im a pussy later i guess #not right now #for now im just going to cry #ill be ok

im so bad at loving people

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venting or whatever