may 2025
turning 32 in a month and i find myself returning to tumblr solely because i remember how my 3d could reign freely when i was a teen. i’m relapsing and i crave a fa5t.
it is sad to see pr0 4n0 and th1nsp0 blogs still exist. to see young girls and boys writing about their fasts, with the same vengeance as i did. the way they loathe theirselves, i still loath myself with, my b0dy, my lack of control.
and i’m so sorry to say that 3d’s don’t disappear. they stay, although their voice becomes quieter, harder to discern. you become a little softer, a little wiser. but you’ll always harbor that fear, those 3d tendencies.
i have decided to get treatment… just a month ago. it’s hard on me. i don’t want to, but i have to. i can’t be in constant fear of gaining w31ght, dedicating all my efforts to this war against my body. i can’t have a number dictate whether i’m happy or not.
i have decided, yet i started another fa5t. like i’m not really ready for treatment. not small enough for treatment, or not ready to let go of striving.
the pursuit of th1nness, that costed me my period, my health, my relationship with food, that burned me out two years ago so that i couldn’t work.
i’m fatigued. i need to strengthen up, but i can’t gain weight because that launches me into a fullblown panic attack.
it’s dark, it’s complex. at 32, it’s hella complex. i hope these young girls and boys, blogging about ☆ving, i hope someone sees them. i hope for someone to save them. i hope they have ‘strong’ parents, that can take control.
i wish mine did. i wish someone saw me, when i was a teen. i wish someone saved me.
