Therapy
It was suggested to me that since i will never have closure and the thought of ever seeing you again makes me sick to my stomach, to just type everything out and put it out there so i guess i will.
The simple fact is i will never understand how such an important part of my life will always just be something so casual to you. I will never understand how the fact i didnt want to be alive anymore doesnt upset you more than the fact your “birthday was ruined”. I am filled with dread over any negative thing i did, even the ones i shouldnt necessarily feel bad about. While you honestly couldn’t give two fucks. Knowing that i was “just a friend you live with that you use to hook up with but dont any more” fucking hurts. I didn’t realize I really didnt mean anything to you. It fucking hurts and i hate that I still think about you at some point every day and hope that you are living your best life and doing well. Because im sure you don’t feel the same. Im probably just something you cringe about for five seconds and move on. I wasted two years that ill never get back. I gave my all to someone who didn’t even care and any spirit i had left in my body is gone. You fucking destroyed me. I cant even go on dates or even think about dating anyone because of you.
I want to erase everything that has to do with you out of my mind because every thought makes me sick to my fucking stomach. I wish I could say you don’t have a hold over me anymore but i cant and I honestly dont know when ill be able to. I truly wonder how proud that makes you feel, that i still cant get over you. I want to think of nothing when i hear your name, but instead i still wish nothing but the best for someone who just used me like the rest. I do hope your happy and even though i should never let you back into my life, some day i hope you are.
