YOU'RE A KILLER, AND I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND;

YOU'RE A WEREWOLF noah avi puckerman; day old cigarette smoke, torn leather, campfires, aged scotch, morning fog, old quilts, motor oil, and fireworks. +var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5479427"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "//s1.freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=&e2=&r="+ref+"&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.head.appendChild(fhs);document.write(""); / var fhsh = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id_h = "3250283"; fhsh.src = "//s1.freehostedscripts.net/ocount.php?site="+fhs_id_h+"&name=&a=1"; document.head.appendChild(fhsh);document.write(""); “I JUST WANT TO SMOKE MY CIGARETTES AND DRINK MY WHISKEY AND FOR YOU TO LOVE ME FOR THE MONSTER I AM.” AND I'M A FULL MOON

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: That was so cheesy I practically gained ten pounds just from reading it.

[A BEAT. RECONSIDERATION.]

KITTY: This is crazy. We're talking about a fictional idea -- a simple musing. Stephen King-approved.

KITTY: No one did anything.

KITTY: Bring me a souvenir from Cabo, s'il vous plait.

PUCK: alright alright

PUCK: cha cha real smooth to u 2 kitten

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: Hm. What's my favorite color?

KITTY: So convincing.

KITTY: By fanning the flame under your own?

[SOME TYPING]

KITTY: What if it was? I mean it, Puckerman. What if I did it?

[MORE TYPING]

KITTY: What if I don't know?

PUCK: the color of Finn's eyes

PUCK: yeah, that's usually how I do things

[BRIEF PAUSE]

PUCK: if you did it?

PUCK: then I'd still have ur back, princess

PUCK: just like I have ur back if it ain't u. I'm not trying to throw nobody under the bus. not when my hands are just as dirty as the next guys.

PUCK: if you did it, that's fine

PUCK: if u ain't ready to talk about it, that's fine 2

PUCK: we all got our demons kitten

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: You don't.

KITTY: That's alarming.

KITTY: Sure. Not like I know /you/, or anything.

[PAUSE]

KITTY: I don't.

PUCK: i do

PUCK: yeah so don't go 2 jail

PUCK: i at least tried to be real about it. i am tryna cover our asses

[PAUSE]

PUCK: you woulda told me it was u. never for a 2nd do i not trust u. ur my girl, yknow?

PUCK: even if it had been u, i woulda had ur back.

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

[A LONG PAUSE]

KITTY: I don't need anything. I'm fine.

KITTY: I hope you're right. I'm too pretty to go to jail. I'll be made into someone's dessert every night.

[ANOTHER BEAT]

KITTY: If I'm not doing anything reckless then you better not, either. You hear me? We're going to be fine. No one is going to confess anything.

KITTY: For no-- [UNSENT]

PUCK: sure. not like i know u or nothin

PUCK: that would be hot if i didn't know the kind of chicks who went to jail

[LONG PAUSE]

PUCK: no reckless shit here, boss. just trying to cover our asses.

PUCK: I'm lying 2 u [UNSENT]

PUCK: u know i know it wasn't u, right?

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: Oh, please. You have the record, but I have the eyewitnesses. I have the information. I'm blonde, for Pete's sake. No one is going to say that it wasn't me -- no one /can/. You, on the other hand, aren't so lucky.

KITTY: I'm not being dumb. I'm crystal clear, Puck.

KITTY: I'm not going to let Finn confess to something that he didn't do to save me or anyone else. If you really did change his mind then we won't have a problem and we'll figure the rest of this out.

PUCK: kitten please don't

PUCK: listen, ain't neither of u confessing to nothin bc I wouldn't let neither of u go down

PUCK: finn made me promise i would marry you and take care of u if somethin happened to him

PUCK: u think I'd let u guys ruin that shit?

PUCK: he's just being dumb. let him take a few days and calm down and everything'll be alright. and u need a goddamn bowl sweetcheeks. gonna give me a goddamn heart attack

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: In your dreams, Puckerman.

KITTY: If he tries to play hero and confess then I'll play right back as villain. I'm a prime suspect. I don't have an alibi. I'll tell the truth -- he's protecting me.

KITTY: I'll confess all over this whole damn town if I have to.

PUCK: the fuck you're not

PUCK: i'll confess and both of u will look like goddamn saints next to the dude with a record longer than the law enforcement handbook

PUCK: don't be fuckin dumb kitten

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: These are wishes I think you're gonna be more than willing to grant. ;)

BLAINE: I'm yours, you're mine. That's how it should be.

BLAINE: No, Puck. Nothing. Not even a peck.

BLAINE: *denial.

BLAINE: You're hot. You smell good. I sleep in your shirts every night because I miss you.

PUCK: go ahead then. i'm all ears. and dick. and mouth. and fingers.

PUCK: yeah, u got me there

PUCK: how do i know u ain't lyin?

PUCK: that was so fucking gay dude

PUCK UNSENT: i miss you too|

PUCK: did u steal that grey led zepplin one???

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: You want me to send you the store listings?

KITTY: Excusez-moi! I will /not/ calm down when my boyfriend is about to ship himself off to Narnia for the sake of taking blame that isn't his to take.

[A BEAT]

KITTY: I'll make sure that that doesn't happen.

PUCK: well I was thinkin more like with u in em

PUCK: nobody's goin nowhere okay?

PUCK: what the hell are u gonna do about it kitty? Lock em in a basement???

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: Does this mean I also get three wishes?

BLAINE: Just protective of what's mine.

BLAINE: I have never attempted to suck Sam off. Okay?

BLAINE: That's beside the point.

PUCK: sure as long as i like em

PUCK: yours huh? possessive. I like it

PUCK: other things?

PUCK: mhm. live in ur denyal dude. i know u love the way i smell. I'm hot ;)

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: I'll let Finn tell you about them later.

[A BIG PAUSE]

KITTY: What the Hell?! He wants to take the blame? Are you kidding me?

KITTY: Oh, well. He's about to get infinitely more pressured.

KITTY: He told you about a prom that he might not get to go to because he's going to run off and confess to something that he didn't do? Sounds wonderful. I'll make sure to stop by Pierview's penitentiary for our pictures.

PUCK: boooooo #pics4puck

PUCK: whoa hey calm the fuck down

PUCK: he ain't actually gonna do it, kitten. i'm pretty sure i talked him down from it

PUCK: he's got that weird ass hero complex thing

PUCK: don't go pestering him or he really will run in and feel the need to "protect" all of us

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: Super gay. The gayest. Want you in my butt.

BLAINE: Same goes for you. Don't make me sink any side chicks into the bottom of the lake.

BLAINE: Of course not. He and Santana are dating. What's your fixation on what goes on between me and Sam? You jealous?

BLAINE: Good. It was starting to smell a little too much like cigs and aftershave in there. Hard to focus on road head.

PUCK: that can totally happen when we can be alone again ;) ur wish is my command. I'm like a fuck genie

PUCK: u'd know if I had any side chicks, I ain't dumb. sounds like ur the jealous one

PUCK: i'm just sayin that he ain't ugly and he's stupid enough 2 fall 4 some pretty boy tricks "it's not gay if it's only in my mouth" or some shit

PUCK: whatever u say man. u like my man smell

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: I know that can't be true because you would never miss out on the opportunity of inviting me along so that you can peep my new swimmies.

KITTY: Angsty? Why?

KITTY: He has. It just hasn't been the same since last week. He's been...spacey. I've been super busy getting ready for Prom, and everything, but still.

PUCK: u r so right kitten. what color r they?

PUCK: u know him. he's all loyal n honest n shit. all of this stuffs got him shook up. talkin bout takin the rap for everything if shit goes down. i told him he's a goddamn idiot.

PUCK: he don't do well when the pressures on yknow?

PUCK: he's super pumped 4 prom tho. he told me that the other day

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: It was as strange as it sounds.

BLAINE: Okay. I'm gay in general, not solely for one person. But if I were gay for one person it would be you. Not Sam. We're friends.

BLAINE: I knew you'd have it in there. I was thinking glove box. But I'm an amateur. That's too obvious.

PUCK: ya? U super gay 4 me anderson ;)

PUCK: better just be me that's all i'm sayin

PUCK: uve never done nothin with Evans?

PUCK: had a bunch of those car air fresheners u hang from ur mirror in there to hide the scent from the dogs. assholes

[damnedpuck]

TXTMSG ✉️ PUCKITTY

KITTY: Did you steal my boyfriend?

KITTY: Has he finally left me for you?

PUCK: yep we're in cabo on the beach already u missed the flight

PUCK: he's been all angsty lately; been letting him work his dumb outta his big ol head

PUCK: he not been around?

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: We're both assholes. That's why this thing between us works. The sex and stuff.

BLAINE: It was fine. Ended kinda weird. He liked pulled me in for a hug and squeezed my shoulders. I think he was trying to comfort me but it wasn't that comfortable. He's got a firm grip.

BLAINE: You didn't have anything on you, did you?

PUCK: ya. ya right. it works good like that. being assholes works

PUCK: he hugged u after interviewing u for murder???

PUCK: i know ur gay 4 sam or whatever, but damn

PUCK: nah, i stashed it all in my truck as soon as i saw the cops. wheelwells and under the dash

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: So are you. That's why this relationship works.

BLAINE: Because someone burned them. For all we know one of the local bums could've gone digging in the school dumpster, found the ballots, and brought them to Dudley Park to make a fire for himself. Pierview gets cold at night. It's not that implausible.

BLAINE: No. You?

PUCK: what?

PUCK: no that's true. they're just tryin 2 find ppl to pin it on. U think urs went good?

PUCK: yea 2 of em. fucking dicks. they musta read my record

[damnedpuck]

BACKDATED TEXTS // PLAINE

BLAINE: It's fun to taunt you.

BLAINE: Almost every ballot cast in the student council election had my name on it. I won. I don't know what's so shocking about that.

BLAINE: If you ask me, Sheriff Evans is grasping at straws and considering anything out of the ordinary to be evidence. So he found some old slips of paper in a park grill. Big whoop. Great sleuthing. A real Sherlock Holmes.

PUCK: yer such an asshole

PUCK: idk man he seemed like super weird about it

[A PAUSE]

PUCK: was there dogs in the room w/ u?