Don't Speak Her Name | Trial 6.3 | Re: Cheshire, Pietro
TW: referenced abuse and sexual harassment
âSo this is the part where I say that the numbers donât matterâ where I cackle like a maniac and say that I donât regret a thing.â
Her tone was low and sorrowful, almost unfitting for the words leaving her lips. Her eyes lingered on the floor, unable to meet those of her friends competitors in the game of death sheâd played a role in devising. She didnât want to face a single one of the survivorsâ she couldnât anymore. How did a murderer face her attempted victims?
âBut this isnât a fucking video game, and Iâm not some one-dimensional disc-one final boss.â
Ae-jung adopted the venom of a snake, every little nerve within her suddenly roaring to life. Her countenance was grim and full of hatred, but for whom was uncertain.
She wanted to scream, to claw away at all of the monsters inside her that kept on saying that this had been a good idea, that lighting the whole world ablaze and letting it rise like a phoenix from the ashes was something she could live with even if she held the matches. Her heart pounded, raging within its cage of bones because it wanted out, wanted out wanted out wanted outâ
She couldnât even breathe over the intensity of her own panic. Anger bristled and blossomed within her veins, her entire being alive with a strong and unruly hate.
âDo you have any idea how many times I ask myself that question? How I canât even look in the goddamn mirror anymore because of how sick my own reflection makes me?â
âOf course I think about it all. But I just keep telling myself that itâs going to be worth itâ that Iâm erasing everything wrong with humanity and how it puts kids like us on goddamn pedestals and breaks us down with camera flashes and expectations. I hate how extreme it is but I have to keep believing that somehow itâs going to pay off and that I can make a better world out of thisâ this messââ
She inhaled sharply, burying her face in her hands and taking a moment to sob. Her entire body trembled with the weight of her own heartbreak, guilt tearing her apart underneath it all.
A moment later, she lifted her head back up, sniffling slightly and tearstains still lingering on her cheeks. Her voice was still shaking.
âI was fifteenâ fifteen â when my sponsors started expecting more out of me. They looked at this international champion in all kinds of games and said âneeds more sex appeal.â They wanted me to dehumanize myself and act like this cutesy, perfect little dating sim character so I could get more views and donations.â
âDo you know how it feels? To get all kinds of messages about things someone your age shouldnât hear? To be sexualized when youâre still technically a kid? Itâs humiliating, itâsâ itâs wrong. I wanted to be recognized for my gaming and for being strong, n-not thatââ
âBut I couldnât refuse or else theyâd take away my sponsorships. I had the choice between my mother or myself.â
âThatâs what the entertainment industry does to youâ and thatâs why I wanted to destroy it and build it from the ground up. No more disrespect or gross expectations or ignoring the health of their stars in favor of views and money. No more making you sacrifice your dignity and ignoring your cries for help. No more expectations that make you feel so unclean that a shower canât even help, no more brushing your mental and emotional problems under the rug, no more people like Jae-Sun Lee preying on your insecurities.â
âThatâs why. Thatâs why I did all this. I donât feel good about it and I donât know how Iâll live with myself, but I refuse to let a world where the things that happened to me happen to more and more people go on.â
âS-soâ there it all is. You guys can go all angry mob on me if you want. I know thereâs no respawn and I stand in the way of the objectiveâ so Cheshire-ssi, if you want to go ahead and snipe me, I wonât stop you. I wonât blame you, either.â