river tamhead @danielcassidys - Tumblr Blog

nc (aka whatever name[s] you know us broadly by or whatever the specific alter that's posting's name is, if you know it). she/it/he alternating broadly, specific posters may have different preferences.

we are open about having a dissociative disorder on this account, and some people who post will differentiate themselves. if they don't do this, they don't want to be differentiated. pls be respectful.

this is my small (ish), mutuals-only blog. i would prefer you not interact with this if your likes or following are public. also, regardless, please don't follow if you don't know me or if i didn't follow you first. thanks!

#y'all know who we are so a real pinned feels pointless #.text

liek fucking whatever but it makes me feel really shitty how people will just Decide my sexuality for me and then assert it to other people when i say something to the contrary. ex before this deciding and asserting that im asexual because i have trauma and am weird about sex and this one asserting that i'm exclusively gay because i... am attracted to a specific type of woman. ok.

well thats a weird non-truth about me and the conversation we had but like okay

#why do my exes like to just lie about my sexuality. what's up with that.

grimaces.

#okay. i feel really bad about like. all of this. i know it's not fair but i can't help it.

what ever!!!

i have not been capital s Single for more than like. um. what. a month? since i was like. 11. i think. and all of those relationships kind of fell into my lap without me seeking them out so im not really sure how to go about it. so i predict myself going completely fucking crazy in pretty short order. i do not know how to exist as a person without using a romantic connection as an anchor

it just sucks :( the last two times before this i went through breakups that like. fucked up the course of my life basically. i had people i could cry on and help me put myself back together and i do not have that anymore. both because of having no friends rn in general but also because the two people who helped me with that were um. my two most recent exes respectively.

#would say i need to stop dating my friends but that's not a concern right now on account of

mission "im not gonna obsess over the idea of killing myself" failed im not sure why i thought i could best that one i whip the suicidal ideation out for literally anything

#im not gonna like do it but gd everything is so bleak for me and clinging to that relationship was like #the only thing i had that meant there was another person in the world who cared about me #there has not been a point in my life besides when i was in elementary school where I was so socially isolated as i am now even in #like. the depths of me being fucking insane. and i dont know how to fix it and i dont think i can and i just #like all i do is go to work and fantasize about not ever having existed at all.

aside from like. gestures. all of that. im just. worried im going to have to undo the last three years of progress in myself. i wasnt a person at all until 2023 and i like being one! i am scared of having to pack my shit up and move back to kentucky and make myself small enough to stop doing anything but surviving because its been fucking shitty and horrible and really really hard but i like being a person who exists in the world in a capacity that i was not allowed until i got away from all that

im trying not to spiral about it because at the end of the day im kind of too cowardly to do anything but go about my life miserably so it does nothing besides make me feel worse to sit there stewing in how much i dont really like being alive over everything. you know.

#its hard i did allow myself like four hours of that earlier today because i knew one of us was gonna end it.#but im trying. not to. keep. being the way i am. its not good for me or anybody else. its really hard!

sorry for dusting off this blog just to do this i just obviously am not going to do this where she can see it. because that would be really shitty. and im also not going to do it in private because again i have literally zero friends who are closer than distant acquaintances right now.

i knew it was coming i just couldnt really do anything to stop it because im a fundamentally broken person when it comes to like. love and sex. but i also cant function without either of those things.

#it literally just happened so im sure itll feel like less of a disaster later #but also ive seen this coming for... a while. and been dreading it because i really dont think im the type of person whos like #. i dont know. no one on earth would want to be in a relationship with me and thats because i suck to be in a relationship with.#so its hard to fault anyone for that

almost 4 year relationship down the drain because of my stupid ass hangups. so fun.

#ive done this twice in a row with my only longlasting relationships as an adult. wow!#i really dont know what to do. i guess.#were still gonna be friends hopefully but ive driven like everybody besides her out of my life so im #so. like. i just dont even know where to start existing as a person outside of that relationship #the only other person i even talk to sometimes right now is my other ex who is way more her friend than mine

listen i love my friends but none of these ppl r as leftist as they think they are even remotely. holding myself back frm snapping @ some1 bc they posted smth tasteless abt 'stockholm syndrome' as if its a real thing 2

#.text #👻#im a hater. i know tht. but like. can we b serious

lol i got put on mad at u island by 1 of our friends bc i said tht the final girl trope isnt super feminist

#:sob: we were having a convo & i said tht & he went 'ummmmmm' and hasnt messaged me in 12 hrs after tht #.text #👻

i just feel like ripping my hair out. it sucks. i havent talked to anyone outside of normal club in like a month at least without being made to and even then only one of them is regularly and its cuz i live with him im and im bitter and nasty and scared and so tired. and i don't want to visit my mom again and i know that's why im losing my mind but knowing that doesnt help,

#.text #🍃#its. just. hard.

also like not the case in the thing im complaining about specifically i think but i know people plural they me and i hate that so much too. like. the only time it needs to be relevant is in normal club because thats kind of close friend alter playground but people do it outside of that and like if you have to acknowledge 'nadeem' as a manufactured singular entity instead of like just a person (why are you doing this when you dont do it to other systems who arent individualizing in the same contexts that we are not) ...... i still dont wanna be they/themmed. i dont use it/its personally but i think i and we broadly would rather we got plural itsed

#i can deal with plural it/(s)he. not they. do not do that to me #.text #🍃

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