Fun and occasional seriousness

I am Daniel. I am a simple kid.

[mediamattersforamerica]

WOW. Watch these 3 minutes from Dallas sportscaster Dale Hansen talking about what Trump doesn’t understand about the national anthem and the right to protest. Compare this to any right-wing media whining and that’s why this is one to remember.

[texnessa]

Dale Hansen is a fucking treasure.  He admitted he was a childhood victim of sexual abuse in the hopes that it would encourage others to come forward and seek help. He has been an ardent supporter of scholar-athletes and of gay players in the NFL and of trans athletes.

“I’m not always comfortable when a man tells me he is gay; I don’t understand his world. But I do understand that he is part of mine.”

[ithelpstodream]

[danielconmy]

Late night ramblings

Moved back in with my parents a little over a week ago. It was the right decision for me financially, but I am handicapping myself socially. I don’t like to go out and meet new people and it’s awfully difficult to do when you don’t know anyone in your new “hometown”.  I signed up for some rec sports things as a free agent -- hopefully that will bring some opportunities to meet new people. I fight myself on this feeling of being so terribly alone. I wanted this. I like solitude, but the cost is sanity at times. My mind plays tricks on me based on past events -- wouldn’t you be so happy if these three things went differently? What if you cared more about that person? What if you actually figured out what you want to do with your life? All worthwhile questions, but they terrorize me when I just want to get through the next day. 

While I am happy with my job at the moment, despite the lackluster pay, where is it taking me? Questions like this make life seem so ridiculous to me. Like -- “you gotta do this so then you are finally qualified for that.” -- Great, then I die? Whats the point of the in between steps? Do I want to make my mark on the world? Do I think I have a mark worth leaving? Some people aren’t destined or do not have the desire for greatness. I cannot fake my passion for something I don’t want to do.  All I am saying is maybe I would feel more purpose if I made a few different changes in my life. What if things ended better there? What if I was still in California? What if I went to grad school? Why can’t I just worry about myself? Why can I not improve myself more? You have the ability, but you’re content -- why?  Get some sleep, mull it over, and try to be better tomorrow -- you’re exhausted.

-- Daniel (That’s you)

[danielconmy]

The end

Still in my episode, I guess. Maybe I’ve moved into a different state that cannot be understood by myself at this point. I don’t know. That’s what kills me-- I do not know why I am like this at this point. I am trying, eating regularly, running, biking, working out-- I am doing it all. Why is this haze still here? 

Last night, I played softball with the group I have up here in Minnesota and, while it was fun to play, I was still groggy and lost all my energy through the middle of the second game. It was just all gone like I never had it in the first place. There is no pain or feeling still when I am like this and I lack focus throughout this. 

When the end of my episode comes, I will not be stronger, but I hope it will be the end of these feelings. I am weaker, sadder, and less likely to take risks. I am beaten down to the point where I surrender to this haze and I want the feelings to vanish-- I want to vanish. 

Yet, there’s still a part of me that continues to go through with the routine because at any second I could be better. My eyesight might sharpen and my mind become clear and everything comes rushing back into focus. Yes, that is the part I am still fighting for and as the days pass, that dream is not leaving, but it is getting crowded within my head. The sleep continues to be long and the energy inside me is not revitalized. It takes me 10-12 hours of sleep, plus the possible nap for me to get through the day. Half of my day is wasted to sleep. The sleep is not therapeutic. The sleep does not benefit my life. I am concerned that this is it for me. No getting better. You will not be able to focus and progress in life. You are stuck and cannot move. Being stagnant is the worst feeling through all of this. The fact that progress is fleeting and the symptoms remain.

It’s been three weeks. A week and four days since I’ve stated that I am better.

Sleep to become healthy, Daniel. Do not worry if you aren’t fulfilling what you think you should be doing at this point. Accept that you cannot change how you feel at this point. Time is the way this will heal. Be okay with not being okay at this point. Plenty of people are less than 100 percent every day. You can be less than 100 percent and it is okay. You will survive and hope to be better tomorrow and beyond. It is exhausting to continue to wish for better health, but continue to have faith in the process. Do not cower in fear, but stand up and believe in yourself. You can do it, Daniel. Just hang in there.

[danielconmy]

Fogginess

Some good news-- I am out of my episode or so I think. On Sunday at about 3 in the morning, I couldn’t fall asleep and my thoughts came back to make sense. I could read and watch about hockey and baseball-- comprehend and digest everything happening around me. The next day I woke up feeling like I was better, but fogginess resided over my thoughts and actions. I was not worried given that this happens at the end of episodes in the past. I’ve gotten out for a day and then felt less than stellar for a couple days after.

In this particular case, though, the fogginess is still with me and we are six days out from being better. Luckily I have some energy to work out and ride my bike, but I am not me. I feel crazy when explaining what I have to people, but I know when I am better-- it’s a switch. In this moment, I am not better. I still have some motion blur issues when turning my head and focusing on things tires my eyes rapidly. 

Doing the smart thing I took to the Internet. I just quickly search fogginess and I came back with a lot of issues stemming from anxiety. I have never been treated for or ever thought I’ve had anxiety. I don’t think that is what is giving me trouble, but it’s a line of thought I do not want to close because I can never be too sure.

While having conversations with my mom this week, I have continued to state that I am better. I believe I am better, I am being active-- something I can’t or don’t want to do when my episode arrives. The worry comes from conversations that I do not follow at times. For example, one of my bosses at work asked me, “Who I got?” He was referring to the hockey game occurring that night, but I was thought he was asking if I was charting a game that night. I know that might not seem obvious, but this boss and I talk about hockey almost all the time in the office. My context clues are off and I’ve been better since that interaction two days ago, but I really have to pay attention to some differences in people’s actions around me to understand their meaning. Not that I was disingenuous before, but it is something that was second nature to me before.

Another worry that comes out is from sarcastic remarks. My mom made a sarcastic remark to me while I was on the phone with her and I just simply did not understand her lack of seriousness. Once again, small things, but I would not miss that if I was fully better. After the fact I understand how I possibly missed these cues, but it’s frustrating knowing that I am struggling.

My worry grows because of these simple lapses, but the fuzziness in my brain worries me most. When my eyesight is clouded and I cannot focus on something for long is worrying. When I am outside and not focusing on anything in particular, my eyesight just feels dizzy. I am not on the verge of fainting or struggling to see, but I can feel that something is off. These are symptoms that I always feel within my episodes, but they do not last long after they are done.

I continue to say to my mom that I am worried that this is my new state of consciousness-- everything’s fuzzy. I fear that’s the case and I hope I can snap out of it very shortly because I want to be me again. I want to remember what people say, joke with them, and see their faces clearly.

Daniel, you’re better, but there’s still some improvement that needs to take place. Get rest and feel better tomorrow. 

[danielconmy]

Despair and darkness

It’s Saturday and I think it’s the 10th day of my episode-- maybe the 11th. That’s not important, but I am on the downslope because the lack of tangible evidence that I am better.

The most I’ve kept my eyes open today is to pee. I am not strong about this stupid thing I have. It’s upsetting to just lose. That’s it. Nothing is gained in this endeavor. Time is gone, happiness is gone.

The pressure inside my head is still there and my eyes aren’t any better from the first day when I had this. I still cannot focus on anything for more than five minutes at a time. My dreams are more vivid than my life and they don’t make any sense. 

I want to sleep this off, but sleep isn’t helping me get over this. Being awake isn’t helping either. Company is nice, but it doesn’t make me tangibly better. One day I’ll just be better and I want to never think about this again, but right now all I feel is sadness. I want to think, speak, and be happy. 

I’ve been outside and a walk helped for such a small time, but then it’s right back to emptiness.

I’ve tried to exercise-- 20 minutes on the bike was the most difficult thing because my head was spinning. While it felt good to be active, I couldn’t feel my legs, I didn’t know if I was breathing hard or if I was doing anything at all. Everything is just gone and distant. My body and I are out of sync and not listening to each other. 

I am missing quality life. I am missing the beautiful weather outside, the green of Minnesota. Why does this have to happen to me? Why can’t I just be normal? 

Just snap your fingers and feel better, Daniel. Stop sleeping so much. 

I am struggling. I am losing. Winning doesn’t seem like an option at this point.

I miss me. Where is the sarcastic side of you? Where’s the side that doesn’t care about the little things? The one that thinks critically about the rest of the world? The one who cares for others? The one who loves to bike, hike, and be active? Where are you?

Please, get out of this. You need to be okay.

[danielconmy]

Thursday are blue

Back again and still not better, but it’s time for me to write again about my experience today. It will be most incomprehensible babble, but it’s helping my mental health more than anything-- let’s be honest I need all the help I can get.

I took NyQuil again and I shouldn’t have because it made me way too drowsy again and I struggled waking up this morning. I told myself to take it, but I didn’t listen because I wanted sleep. Tonight, I will not do that. Tonight I will fall asleep whenever I fall asleep and I will not worry if it’s good or bad sleep because that is not my final goal tonight. 

I watched a ton of The Office again and I listened to music again-- sound familiar? 

Really that’s it. Jennifer came over and brought me Subway and I ate that for my first meal at 7:30 at night. She’s been a strong human throughout this whole thing and I appreciate the support she’s brought in this trying time for me. I know it’s hard to comprehend outside the situation, but she’s been perfect and I am glad I warned her about the possibility of this before it started. I can’t imagine seeing someone who’s very active and loud turn into a puddle of nothingness. She’s taking it in stride and I wish there was something I could do to show my thanks for everything she’s done, but my constant ‘Thank you’ will have to do at this point. 

Right before Jennifer left tonight I talked to her about the lack of feeling I had in my body. For example, she was just scratching my shoulder and I knew she was scratching it, but I couldn’t feel it. It’s hard to explain, but I couldn’t feel her nails even though my skin was definitely being touched. That is what is terrifying to me. I lose sense of everything when I am like this-- it’s like my brain is just turned off in certain ways. 

Similarly with my voice-- I want to sing the songs I am listening to and I can hear myself belting them in my head, but when I want to vocalize that feeling, nothing comes out. It is just silence with music in the background. How can I change that? 

For points in the day my vision was clear and I thought I was about to be better, but then I fell back into the daze I have felt for the last week. Time still feels like it’s going extra slow when in the episode.

In the middle of writing this I lose track of my purpose and I stare off at the light in the corner of the room or I just stare at the ceiling for the 100th time today. When I am alone it’s when I question what is going on the most. It is not unhealthy to do so, but the bad questions are coming back into focus more and more because I cannot see an end in sight.

I know that seems obnoxious because it should only last a couple more days, but that feeling escapes me within the episode. Days mesh together and thoughts continue to formulate incoherent lines. 

In past episodes, a meal is the thing that usually gets me better. Right after I eat something, then *poof* I am better. I get excited to eat because I think that this might be the time, but every time it doesn’t happen it get’s me more discouraged than the time before because I think that it won’t happen. I should really start trying to bring this up to Jennifer when she is here instead of spewing it into here for posterity’s sake.

It is hard to bring up these thoughts out loud because formulating these thoughts into sentences is quite the struggle that I don’t like to endure.

It’s not that I don’t want others involved, it’s just I don’t know what to say... So maybe I should just show them these instead and maybe that will paint a better picture than ones that word can provide at this point. 

As I look around my room in between sentences, my vision continues to worsen into that daze I felt with fervor in the early days of my episodes. I thought this part was over and I was slowly about to move away from this-- what do I need to do to change this? 

What do I need to do? Please, Daniel. Figure out this question and get better because it’s not a fun place to be. I can’t hold conversations and when anyone is talking to me I sometimes just stop listening and move onto something that I wanted to say or something I am thinking. I have the attention span of a five-year old and I speaking capability of a underdeveloped adult, but my writing flows like a raging waterfall. Why? What change is there from thoughts and writing to words relayed from my mouth? Usually I struggle with the written word, but the words just keep coming.

I miss the hiking that I did in California and I hope that I can one day hike around Minnesota and surrounding states to enjoy the nature of the area.

I am going to end it here because I have nothing more to day that I haven’t said already. I need to share more so people can at least understand what I am feeling of my thought process. I am not weak because of this, but it’s scaring me that there is no progress for me. I know I will get better, but it’s disheartening to wake up and feel the same as I felt over a week ago. 

Please get better, Daniel. 

[danielconmy]

Third times the charm

Back for a third time today because I am feeling coherent, but my eyesight is not strong. I played freecell and I did okay-- completed some games, but I did not perform admirably.

Usually I start to feel better when I am reading, watching, and consuming new things and I am at this point right now, but I am not better yet. The question just comes back to why not? What stopping me from being fully aware from what’s happening? 

All I’ve been doing for the past week is eating too much, sleeping too much, and staring too much. Where is my chance to just flick that switch to make it all better? Please, let me be better. I want to look at things in life and not feel like it’s a dream. I want things to feel real. I want that pain, I want that feeling of cold water in the shower when you forget to let it heat up. I want to burn my tongue and understand that I drank or ate something too hot. I want to go running and feel my lungs burning because I am out of shape. I want to life weights and wake up the next day to notice that I am sore and raising up my arms is a struggle. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want something new. My life is going nowhere. I see those abandoned trains that out of service on train tracks and I can only imagine that’s what I feel like right now. I am rusting on the side of train tracks never to be started again because I am becoming obsolete. Please let me have a better ending than those poor train cars rusting for the rest of their lives. 

What I am asking is not revolutionary, I am only asking to be human again. I want to look outside and then go outside. I do not want to be cooped up in my room for fear of hurting myself if I go outside. I want to drive a car and not feel afraid. I want my head to not feel like it is heavy in the middle. I want clarity. I want a purpose because ‘getting better’ is not the best purpose. I want to make people smile. I want to have conversations. I want to hear stories about people’s lives and be able to understand the words that are being babbled throughout a conversation. Please, let me understand. 

All I ask is that one day I learn of what is controlling my lack of action and my lack of ability at this point in my life. I feel like I deserves answers.

[danielconmy]

This has become a therapeutic experience for me. I apologize to anyone who reads this and hopes to take something to enrich their own life. This is supposed to pass the time until my KLS episode is done. If, for some reason, you have decided to embark on reading these, here’s a link to what I have.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleine%E2%80%93Levin_syndrome

Yes, it is wikipedia, but it is accurate in describing my life at the moment.

I word vomited about the importance of our own wheel and the individual people in our own wheel. Now, I think I will focus on the importance of withdrawal from society. My personal experience with nature that has helped me cope with my episodes.

When I was growing up, my parents took myself and my sister on trips often to go camping in surrounding areas around Southern California and I never enjoyed it. I absolutely hated going on these trips away from friends. I commonly played Gameboy while my parents went on a hike-- what an idiot I was.

In my younger years, camping was enjoyable around the fireplace. The thought of working to get to beautiful scenery left me feeling uninspired to make the trek. Luckily in college I started to hike on my own and I found to love the experience of beads of sweats forming on my forehead as I drag my feet to the top of mountains in the Bay Area. It took a while for the love to form, but it was one that grew exponentially.

In fact, the best experience was my first (and only at this point) backpacking experience in Desolation Wilderness near Lake Tahoe. Pushing your body to the limit can be quite an enjoyable experience. That might sound crazy, but having 40+ pounds on your back walking up through a pass makes you question your mental toughness. That all goes away once you reach the pass into the beauty beyond the desolate granite that was hiked through for the first four hours of the trip. When your body wants to give up, you are left with a beautiful lake on the left hand side of your view and trees and greenery everywhere else. You continue to walk through this beautiful, lush landscape that has been untouched by the human hand other than the minimal trails, you start to reach another lake, this time with a beautiful waterfall in the distance. Despite it being late August you noticed some snow still on the ridge near the waterfall. That night you walk out of your tent put next to this expansive lake and you look up. What you see is something you didn’t think your eyes were capable of grasping. Among the stars that are incomprehensible is what myself and the other backpackers called Milky Way dust. Yes, part of our universe was tangible in that moment. Over the lake with the waterfall in the distance you realized the absolutely beauty of the moment. There was nothing better than that moment. You just listen to the rushing water and understand that this might be the best experience you have in your lifetime.

The next day, soreness comes over you like the plague-- you cannot escape the pain of your hips and the soreness of your upper back, but you feel rested and incredibly thankful for the amazing show you received the night before. You walk to the shore at the lake and you look up and the view is something a picture cannot do justice. As the sun is rising in the East, you see the reflection of the mountain ridge on the lake. The hues of brown, green, and white sprayed across the calmest of lakes. Nothing is around, the water is clear, and you finally feel at peace.

After cooking up food for the morning, you pack up and begin to go to the next lake on this adventure. After a short, mild grade uphill it is there. An enormous lake that juts into the surrounding granite. You are left, once again, speechless with what’s in front of you. You hurry down following the trail, set down your things and walk around to notice another waterfall in the far corner of the lake. Today is a day of rest, as your hips and back are barking at you to take a break-- you cannot prep for the pain that endures on your body. As you sit down to enjoy the view around you, you don’t want to go. It is more comforting for you to sit there, alone, without any contact than to reenter a world that demands your time, money, and ability. For what? For the betterment of society? What’s better in our society other than the untouched expanse of the wild. The clear water found and drank for three days replenished my life more than any conversation can.

The beauty of nature is different for everyone, some might enjoy the red beauty of Utah and the surrounding area. For me, the mile walk from lake to lake made me feel happy, eternally happy. I can live the rest of my life in pain and misery, but no one can take away that experience from me. No one can take away the plastered smile on my face and look of awe as I go to sleep for the night staring at the Milky Way dust that created you and me. Those three days will forever be the highlight of my life. I worked my ass off to get there. I earned the beauty I saw there. It wasn’t a drive and a park of the car, no way. It was a seven-mile trek with 40+ pounds on my back to witness a beautiful night and morning.

Here’s to more of those days in my future. Please be plentiful and please start again soon.

[danielconmy]

Wednesday’s with worry

I guess I’ll pick up where I stopped last time. I finished writing before Jennifer came over-- she has just been the best and taking care of me over the last week. Jennifer has brought food over, conversed with me, watched The Office-- she’s gone above and beyond to be there for me and I can’t thank her enough. I am lucky to be dating her and I hope I am showing my appreciation enough when I am feeling like this.

While Jennifer was here last night, I took some Advil and called my mom-- both were helpful to how I felt yesterday.

Before going to sleep, I took some NyQuil. I sometimes feel like my episodes come on because they are masking a sickness that I have, so I thought something to help me sleep wouldn’t hurt. 

My sleep was great last night, but I had trouble keeping my eyes open once the morning came around. I didn’t want to open my eyes because my sleep was so pure and relaxing and when I opened my eyes, everything was blurry and tired.

I eventually kept my eyes open and I got up and ate. At this point I was feeling pretty comfortable-- on the right path to being better. Then, I just went back to my bed and I slept more and I woke up and I was farther gone again. The eyesight got worse and it was back to napping again. The naps don’t help, but they don’t hurt me either. When I am awake I struggle with my consciousness and having a grasp on my thoughts, so it’s easier to just try sleeping. 

Now, as I am writing this, I have either slept or I’ve been trying to sleep for most of the day. I thought today would be a day of getting healthier, but we all have setbacks on the road to health I guess. 

I’ve stated previous times that I steer clear of ‘new’ things when I am feeling like this because I cannot decipher what’s actually happening. I’ve stayed on that path for the most part, but I have listened to new music to attempt to throw something in that might ‘click’ me back into being healthy. 

I think that’s the most terrifying thing about these feelings-- they are gone in an instant just like the way they enter. I am none the wiser about what was hampering my ability to live. While my thinking right now is better than usual when I have KLS, my eye sight is less than stellar. 

Today my thoughts aren’t as dark, there is no fear of death today or the feeling of weakness, it’s now turned to anger and frustration. My questions of why have turned into rage filled with discontent, but my outer shell resembles none of those feelings. I look the same and I am acting the same. My wants are the same as before-- I want sleep and to be healthy. 

My friends and family are still the things that make me want to be healthy and happy, but they are fleeting thoughts and I go back to the the start of my KLS, freshman year of high school. It was after I was working the Christmas tree lots with my teammates from baseball. The day after I played baseball with my KLS-- I would later do this when I was a sophomore in high school, too.

I can function if absolutely necessary, but I struggle to keep that up for longer than two days. At the start of this episode I went to work twice, similarly I did the same when working an internship three years ago. 

The people I’ve worked with say that they haven’t seen any change in how I’ve worked, but I think that’s because it’s something I can fake for at least a little. Once the facade fades, my bed is the only place I can be and feel okay. 

Nothing I do on my own helps. It doesn’t matter if I’ve eaten plenty of food, no food, or something in between. It just takes time and the time varies day to day. Today I am very aware of how slow everything is going. My thoughts aren’t hateful or hurtful, but they are slow and time is just as slow as my thoughts. Why can’t it just be over? Can’t I simply just fast forward to where I am healthy? What is the lesson to be learned from missing this time? I learned these lessons last time and the time before that. This isn’t a new experience for me anymore. Please, I am begging you to make me better so I don’t have to deal with this when I wake up tomorrow. 

I want to be better. I want to pay of my damn student loans so my parents don’t worry about their retirement. I want to pay my bills and understand what I am doing. I want to watch baseball and be in awe of the skill that people show in the game that I love. I want to write freely about things that don’t deal with my episodes. 

I’ve decided that I want to start interviewing people in my spare time. People who aren’t fascinating. These people will vary in status and importance, but I want them all to have a similarity-- a cog in the wheel of society. That is what I am and others have stories just like me. It is not a bad thing to be a cog in the wheel of society. I know I am that way because I have not held a job where I could not be easily replaced. In the time I have missed, Inside Edge hasn’t necessarily missed a beat. There are people just like me, worries just like mine that have no big desires other than to just get through this life unscathed.

That is what I want to do with my life. My writing is particularly awful and I need to work on my ability to grow my diction and beauty in my words. These interviews will read more like short stories. I want to capture the essence of the humans I will be interviewing. These stories aren’t supposed to be anything more but a reminder to see that individuals in life just want enough to be okay, There’s no desire to be the wealthiest or the strongest-- there’s only love for the individual and those close to them.

Maybe I will keep a blog about these individuals or maybe I will just keep them for memory. Either way this experience I am in the middle of constantly reminds me that I am not the only one struggling. There are others with KLS, other small defects or issues that make daily life a large struggle. I want to shed light on those like me, like you, and like our parents. 

For example, my father is one of five children to loving parents who are still married. They are nearing the end of their life and both my grandparents have struggled with health in recent years. All my dad wants is for them to be happy in their remaining years. He does not care about the political climate, the weather, what’s happening in North Korea-- he’s not thinking about any of that when it comes to his parents. He simply wants to see them happy. To do that, he works tirelessly five days a week driving throughout the Midwest to manage those working on X-ray equipment. The importance of his job might become obsolete, but he is doing it to the best of his ability, not because it’s a joy, but it’s and a way to help his parents, his wife, his daughter, his son. My dad is a cog in the wheel, but one that makes my family wheel work. 

He married my mom when they were both young and within five years they were in California thinking they would only be there for a year or two and then they would move back to Buffalo, New York. 25 years later they just left California and have moved to Illinois for a job that will put him closer to his parents, to his wife. 

This isn’t to say that there wouldn’t be a ripple effect if my dad was replaced in his job or if something terrible were to happen to him, but the larger world wouldn’t know him nor care. It is not the fault or us individuals we find no desire in what someone is doing thousands of miles away from us. We cannot understand nor fathom the freedom of thought from individual to individual. While some people have large plans for the world and like to work on the macro scale of the world, most just want to help those immediately around them. That’s where we see the change in the world. From individual to individual loving those immediately around them. If we can better our neighbor, our own individual wheel of people, then our system would work much smoother.

We must meet people where they are at. What is the individual struggling with at this time? Are they struggling with their own thoughts? What about an argument with a significant other? What about where the next paycheck is coming from? What makes us humans similar? Is it because I struggle with the thought of my existence? Do others lie in their bed because their body won’t listen and get up? What is going on with the individual? How can we see someone struggling and not help? Is it because we are not on the same proverbial wheel? Can we grow our wheel? What makes us want to continue being that cog? Why do we not stop working and retreat?

Clearly my mind takes long walks that I sometimes cannot control. My line of thinking is as straight as the road going up a mountain. 

What I am left with after this word exchange are plenty of things-- I should be thankful for those close to me and we all have individual wheels we are trying to keep working for the benefit of ourselves and those close to us.

At the end of this exercise I was hoping to be better and my vision sharpen as I press return for the next paragraph, but I was sorely mistaken that I could beat this episode by just writing down my thoughts in feelings on a internet website that will suck this away into abyss. 

Lost in the pages this will stand-- a 23-year old man struggling to get out of bed, contemplates how big his wheel is.

What a life this is.

[danielconmy]

Tuesday’s with Daniel

Yesterday helped when I wrote, so maybe I will try again today.

I woke up to thunderstorms I think. I don’t remember if it actually happened or if that’s just what I think happened. I was lying in my bed for the next four hours and then it was only 8:00 AM I think. In those four hours I told myself to go to the bathroom or eat and I just couldn’t move. It just wouldn’t happen. I told myself second after second to get up and do something. No response from my body. My thoughts weren’t completed by the rest of my body. Why not? 

I eventually got up and ate and then my body was finally tired enough for me to get sleep for more than an hour. After waking up around noon, I was laying in bed trying to get up and go to the bathroom, but nothing once again. I told myself to move-- I wanted to move, but it was not happening. After an hour I finally went to the bathroom. Then I scurried back to lie down because I don’t know how to do anything else right now. I am left with the emptiness and repetitiveness of my thoughts-- just get up, eat, be better. 

Then my mind wanders to the worst places-- Daniel you live on the third story and there’s cement on the ground outside your patio area, just jump. Luckily my body doesn’t respond to these thoughts just like it doesn’t respond to the other thoughts that clog my mind and have clogged my mind for the past week and many times before that.

I am left with listening to music and repeating The Office. The fear within me is the differences I see within episodes that I have watched five times each. I have seen these episodes, yet they do not feel familiar-- why not? Am I dreaming again? No, this has to be reality because at least my dreams are vivid. 

As I lie here writing this, I am lost in my thoughts that don’t form anything valuable. I am now listening to Pandora-- music that I don’t recognize and it’s making me question what is happening. My roommate is in an out of the room and that doesn’t bother me-- he’s seen me staring into nothingness hours on end already. I cannot hide what’s happening-- I cannot fake that I am better. I wish I could just end this feeling and my mind goes to a way where I could end it for good, but that’s not what I want because I want to see my family again, my friends, my baseball, my hockey, my untainted mind. I want to just wake up or open my eyes and feel how a 23-year old male is supposed to feel. Instead, I cower in a shared room in Minnesota that does not feel like home yet. There is no home for me.

The question that still circles my brain is-- why? It’s been stated throughout this writing because I just want to be better. I would do anything to be in control of my mind again. I want to be working, outside, biking, whatever it may be. Please, get out of your room Daniel. It’s time to get better, join the rest of the world and get better.

[danielconmy]

The torment of nothingness

I am about to enter my second week of my KLS episode. I don’t know how many this is, but the first one I remembered was freshman year of high school.

I recently noticed that I act better in these episodes when I am talking to friends and family or writing. This is nothing but an exercise to keep my mind working.

The torment of nothingness is worse than you might ever imagine. I’ve stared at my ceilings for hours on end doing nothing because I cannot move or I have no desire to move. My vision is strained and never focused on anything or anyone. I cannot keep a thought in my head for long. I become repetitive and mundane (you could argue I was like that before). 

My hunger goes away -- which doesn’t mean I do not need to eat, it’s just my body does not tell me when I am hungry so I have fainted from lack of food. My feelings of hot and cold evaporate and I am left in this room of jumbled thoughts and questions.

Why can’t I just be better? I was fine yesterday, why am I not better today? Will I ever get better? Daniel, just get up there’s nothing wrong with you and no one is going to believe you. 

It is painful to be in my head during an episode. There is no sharp physical pain before, during, or after and episode. The pain I am left with is emotional. 

Around every corner another episode lurks, but they aren’t successive, no that would be too obvious to read. They come an take over whenever it decides to take over.

The demon that haunts me is something many do not know about and cannot understand.

I question every action I do during the episodes. “That didn’t happen.” “How come...” That doesn’t make sense...”

During my sophomore year of high school in an episode I went to class. If i am remembering correctly, the math was simply not making sense to me. The teacher was not speaking to where I could understand. I struggled with simple cognitive ability. 

While every episode is similar in length, the depth of my struggle varies. My first thoughts always go to how I am perceived -- Weak. I cannot simply get up to get a drink of water during this. I cannot tell whether I need to go to the bathroom, if I smell, the time, how long I’ve been sleeping. Everything seeps into the abyss. Nothing is normal, but I am most worried that I am weak because I don’t know what to eat or how much to eat.

Physical pain is not apparent while I am in an episode. In my last episode I took this to more of an extreme because I wanted to get out of my head. I needed to be free. I cut my wrists and I felt nothing. No pain. All I wanted was to feel something real, something that could help me understand that this is happening, but I could not even self-harm and cause pain.

The feeling of emptiness remains during and sometimes after episodes because what’s next or what I missed. Obviously I become ecstatic coming out of an episode, but what comes next is disappointment from myself. I’ve missed work, I’ve missed school, I’ve missed friends, I have missed weeks off my life. I cannot have that back.

It will pass and I will be better, but probably not stronger. I will cower and wonder when it will happen again. If that feeling of being tired is just a hard day of work or another episode creeping in and taking part of my life. 

The torment of nothingness is dangerous. 16 hours of sleep a day followed by binge eating or no eating whatsoever. What follows is the questioning of what is happening to me and if it is even tangible -- is this all a dream? Why can’t you just get up, Daniel? You are letting everyone down. You should be better than this. People think you just sleep all day so you should just stop. Wake up and, please, never go back to the nothingness that drags you down.

[danielconmy]

Stop being sad.

Things didn’t go well and I am lost inside my own thoughts. I can’t focus and I do not want to do my work right now. I’m so scared for my future and I am just sitting like a deer in headlights. 

I wish I could be stronger. Why can’t I ever do right? What will it take for me to be happy? 

I want to fill a hole that’s growing ever larger in my life and there’s going to be a day where I won’t be able to fill it anymore and then I will just be empty forever. I am so afraid that I will not be able to find happiness in things that were supposed to always give me joy. It’s terrifying when you cannot find happiness in the things that once gave your comfort and you look up and realize that you have no plan, no love, and no happiness.

Writing should help. Here I am, not escaping my feelings, but stating them. I am broken, hurt, insufficient. My life has been a lot of missed chances and disappointments. There will be plenty of more mistakes, but that shouldn’t stop you, Daniel. You need to continue to work hard and be a good person. Try your best, bring happiness into other people’s lives, and then you might get some in return.

You once only believed that you could be happy by making others happy, then you lost your way. You thought you could do it all by yourself and you didn’t need someone to care about you, but everyone needs someone. Pick your head up and power through. You’ve been sad before, you can get back up and keep going. I believe in you.

[danielconmy]

I messed up and I am sad

My life has been relatively normal. I’ve been really lucky to have supportive parents and have a wonderful upbringing. I cannot complain -- the life I have is awesome and I have so many opportunities. 

My parents have done everything they can, but I am the fucked up one here. 

In the spring, I finally had a chance to date a girl that was absolutely wonderful -- supportive, caring, beautiful, intelligent, outdoorsy, athletic -- really everything I could want. Instead of me jumping into the deep end with a relationship, I closed myself off because I was afraid of getting hurt despite her ability to open up and be so honest with me. Usually it’s the other way around in the relationships I’ve had. I used to pry information out of the people I was dating, but she trusted me. 

Why couldn’t I just jump in? What is wrong with me?

It took me three months to realize my feelings and I missed my chance because my past relationships dictated a future one. I am so upset with myself because I let that happen. Coaches always told me to control the controllable, and here I am making the wrong decision.

In past relationships, I was always starting conversations, making sure they were alright, without anything in return and maybe I thought that was how relationships were supposed to be; one-sided where I exhausted myself just for a chance to be their special person and I forgot about myself all along and now here I am -- empty, alone, sad, scared. 

It really tears you apart because all you want to do is mend that open wound that you gave the other person, but you can’t do anything. All you can do is say sorry and hope that the other person can trust you the way they trusted you before. 

What I (Daniel) did is not fair, but how could I rush my feelings. I was holding onto nothing -- grasping for straws -- and now I have to pay the consequences.

I deserve it, no doubt in my mind about that. 

The only thing to do now is care and care and care. Whenever she needs me, be there and be supportive, but not prodding. While I really can work on the prodding part, I need to show her that I am still a good person.

That’s tough. People will change when they want to change and there’s nothing I can do.

The one thing I could control, I lost control and made the wrong decision. And, now, we wait. Patience is something I need to work on and this might be a great start.

[furstyphoto]

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Grinnell Lake - Montana - USA (by Ryan McKee)

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“The Rising Lands” Glacier National Park, MT 2014 

Corwin Prescott - Full series on Patreon