no future part vi: no future for me

daniel / 32 / nj / waiting to die.

[danielpresents]

Yesterday, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. He prescribed me with an antidepressant.

Having never gotten a prescription with my own insurance, I mistakenly thought that my medical insurance had a prescription plan included. So I called my health insurance company to learn what company handles my prescription plan so that I can contact them to get more info.

I had to confirm my identity with my name and birth date for the representative. I provided her with the info and there was a brief pause.

“I’m sorry, I just had deja vu. My son was born on the same exact date and he died earlier this year. He would have been 27 this year. We went to his grave site on his birthday.”

I apologized for her loss and we had a brief, emotional conversation. After she provided me the information I needed, all I could think about was what are the odds that the universe would put the both of us together at this exact moment.

I hate my birthday but now every year I will probably think about this moment for the rest of my life. I feel an obligation to enjoy it now and think that life is always either fleeting, or gone in an instant.

[danielpresents]

Tomorrow I am going to see a therapist for the first time in my life. I don’t have any idea what to expect and I can only hope the session is productive. I have been depressed for about 8 years and I am tired of feeling the way I do. I honestly don’t even remember what it’s like to feel happiness. Elation. Enthusiasm. Anything other than indifference or apathy. Incapacity of fostering or creating relationships. The good thing is my depression has really not been so bad the past year or so but enough is enough. I hope I like my therapist and I hope I can get something out of this. The act of purging all of my thoughts onto someone has got to be useful in some manner, right?

[mockwa]

…

[danielpresents]

The last time I made an actual post on this site was in January so I guess you can consider this blog unofficially retired. I still browse this website every day but my life is so uninteresting that I have almost no need to update this public diary. I can't imagine writing more than five or six posts a year from here on out.

[danielpresents]

Silver Mt. Zion

A Silver Mt. Zion

Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra

The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band

The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band With Choir

The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band With Choir & Knuckles

[danielpresents]

[danielpresents]

2017.

January to March 2017 - Easily one of the worst periods of my life. I never want to think about this ever again.

April 2017 - My dog died.

May 2017 - I listened to A Crow Looked At Me almost nonstop this month.

June to July 2017 - I don’t think anything actually happened.

August 2017 - I went to Ecuador for the first time in over 10 years. I saw a lot of family and I saw a lot of Ecuador. Good vacation.

September 2017 - I saw Have A Nice Life perform their last show ever.

October 2017 - I went to Iceland for ten days. Amazing vacation.

November 2017 - I ran a 5k in 24 minutes. My cousin died.

December 2017 - Turned 25 and started training for a half marathon.

[danielpresents]

For whatever reason, the universe has decided to plague me with an awful week. I have had practically zero reason to make it through each day. Yesterday I had to take a sick day because I could not bring myself to go into work. I had a dinner planned with some friends last night and though I didn't bail, I really did not feel nor act like myself. I felt barely there, just wanting to be alone. My anxiety has been excessive this entire week too.

Today I deleted the various dating apps I frequent in an attempt to reduce my self-loathing. I wasn't getting any traction (not like I wasn't already used to it) but it's been months since an actual match that normally ends in self-sabotage. I'll probably re-download one of them in the new year. As much as I would prefer to meet someone in-person, it's actually really difficult to do so when you spend 11 hours working (including getting to and from) and 13 hours in bed each day.

Edit: I forgot to mention that my tinnitus has been fucking killing me this month. Like I'll notice it even when I'm talking to someone and it'll be all I can focus on. And then at night it's just on full blast and I can't sleep until I just play music to drown out the ringing. Fuck me.

[danielpresents]

One of the most ironic things to ever happen to me is probably that even when I was overweight and overall arguably much worse looking than I am now, a girl (re: old friend) actually liked me. Now there isn't even a single girl within a 20 mile radius that wants to go on a date with me.

[danielpresents]

January 2014 (above: left) - 160 lbs. 

May 2014 - 145 lbs. 

October 2014 - 150 lbs. 

January 2015 - 145 lbs. 

November 2016 - 139 lbs. 

March 2017 - 165 lbs. 

October 2017 (above: right) - 138 lbs.

Weight for me has always fluctuated (as shown above). In the winter I normally gain weight and in the summer I shed it. Currently I am still trying to lose around 6-8 more pounds but I am getting closer to accepting my body’s current state. I’ll probably never be shredded like an Instagram model but I am somewhat content with myself right now. Even though I hapharzardly completed a half marathon last November, I believe I am currently at my peak in terms of endurance and physical fitness - hopefully in 6-8 months I will hit another peak. This has been a pseudo transformation post.

[danielpresents]

Last night while on my computer (which is seldom) I opened the nude photos I took of myself my senior year of college. These photos are a "before" picture; they were taken before I started first working out. I literally could not believe how fat I was. I'm not even being hyperbolic. Like I knew I was fat back then but not THAT fat. I guess it's also accentuated because back then I didn't have ANY muscle at all so beneath everything was just a skeleton. Between then and now I have probably collectively lost at least 70 pounds because my weight cycles throughout the year. Like since March I've lost over 20 pounds but hopefully this winter I won't gain 20 pounds. I have already had two bouts of binge eating this week so it could happen again. I went for a run this morning to get myself used to cold weather running and to burn off the candy I ate last night.

Anyway, the point of this post was that I was very fat 3 years ago, and I should really stop calling myself fat now. Even though I still have love handles and thunder thighs I think I am average weight by now. When I was in Iceland talking with friends, weight was the topic and I described my current self as "the most thin I've ever been" as opposed to "the least fat I've ever been." I am very selective with words so I guess this is the beginning of accepting myself. I doubt I'll ever have an Instagram model's body but I can just be happy with what I've got.

Ultimately my goal is to lose a bit more fat and then bulk up. I've been wanting to make a "transformation" post here on Tumblr for years but I'll never have a perfect body; just what I'm content with. Maybe the nude I had queued up will just be my transformation post and then if I ever do attain my dream body that post will just be a continuation. I basically use this as my online diary so nobody will see it anyway besides like maybe 3 active followers.

[danielpresents]

I wrote a really long blog about how for the past 12 years of my life I've never really felt like I belong anywhere and the Tumblr app decided to only post half of it so now that post has been deleted and the full version will never get to be published. My life is a joke.

[danielpresents]

21 October 2017.

I am reorganizing my room entirely today and I am pretty sure this is going to take me all fucking day. Right now my room faces west which means during the day the sun hits my bed directly which makes me warm and blind. My walls are also completely barren and white despite me having multiple frames and posters to put up.

Last week I came back from a ten day trip in Iceland. The first half was spent with 16 other strangers (now friends) and the second half was spent with my two best friends. This was my first international trip without family and I can’t wait to visit other countries and/or states next year.

Despite having an injury for the first 5 months of this year, I am now running much faster than I was this time last year. Like over a minute/mile faster. I never thought I’d be able to average anything faster than 9:45-10:00 minute miles but now I can break 8:40 minute miles without significant effort. I ran 5k in 26 minutes and 10k in 55 minutes so I guess my new goals should be under 23 minutes and under 50 minutes respectively. This will probably take a while. When I first started running I looked at a half marathon as an end goal - running 13.1 miles is not easy. But now I think I’m just going to stick to 5/10/15km races and just have fun with it. Training for a HM just takes effort I’m not sure I’m willing to put in. Hopefully I do not get injured again. I haven’t been doing my ITB exercises so I should start doing that again.

[danielpresents]

Holy Fucking Shit: 40,000 (I saw Have A Nice Life).

Deathconsciousness is a behemoth of an album and in my opinion is easily one of the greatest albums of the 2000’s, maybe even ever. I am very glad The Depression™ did not get the best of me and make me miss HANL’s “last show for the foreseeable future.” Thank you Dan and Tim.

[danielpresents]

02 September 2017.

I am sitting on the toilet pooping for the third time this morning. If I could have a superpower it would be to be able to eliminate all my waste at once. I have spent probably weeks worth of time just sitting on the toilet, either eliminating or trying to. At least if I do it at work I get paid for it. Right now I am not getting paid for it, but I need to get rid of all my waste before embarking on my morning run.

I weigh myself pretty obsessively nowadays, which I think is a little unhealthy. Over the past few days I have been consistently weighing at around 138-139 pounds. I have not been this weight since around the time of my half marathon last year, which is also the lowest weight I've ever been at. I still have at least another 6 pounds to lose, I think. In the morning when I am dehydrated, I have two small upper abs, which is nice. Hopefully I'll be happy with myself when this cut is over. Maybe by the time I embark to Iceland next month? Probably not. But at least I do not hate the way I look as much as I did 6 months ago.

[danielpresents]

[danielpresents]

Update for myself - 30 June 2017.

According to my last.fm scrobbles, I listened to songs from A Crow Looked At Me at least 280 times. I say at least because I listened to it a lot at work but I don’t get scrobbles from my work computer. This should tell you how this month went.

Kidding. Not really. A Crow Looked At Me is the only album that has had a profound effect on me. I’ve never reacted to music so viscerally as I have with this album. I have spent a lot of time crying in my car and in bed listening to this album it’s borderline masochistic. I’ve desensitized myself to this album but I still get emotional during the entirety of “Swims” and “Crow”. Swims reminds me of watching my dog die and although it’s a downright unfair comparison (losing your dog vs. losing your wife) and I haven’t scattered her ashes into the ocean, I still feel an insignificant fraction of what Phil must have felt (and/or currently feels).

That being said I guess June was not a very good month. I also listened to a lot of Mount Eerie by The Microphones. I don’t really know what that means - I just really enjoy this album front to back. Especially the 7 minute opening drum solo which is easily the greatest use of multiple percussion instruments ever. Same goes for the ending drum cymbal use and white noise with Phil’s groaning and yelling.

Half of the year is over and I still haven’t gotten the promotion my boss has been promising since January. I don’t really mind waiting but I just hope the raise it comes with is substantial. This week I had a phone interview with another company based in Los Angeles. If I manage to get an in-person interview I don’t know if I’ll actually go. LA is not really a place I would want to live in. But it could be a good opportunity. Sigh.

Earlier this month my friend broke news to another friend of mine that she is dating her ex-boyfriend. This has now caused a gigantic rift within our group of friends. I never thought something like this would ever happen but alas.

Half the year is over already. How.