The reason I was so quick to assume that he'd sent them after me is because I have seen him put people on blast before. I thought he had said that I was as vile as those hazbin people. or something like that. All I knew was that it had to have been something horrible, based on what people were sending me.
And you know what? Because he decided to block me, I didn't get to know what it was. He set a boundary and denied me access to see what he'd said, and I knew all he'd have to have done was put a "#hazbin all over again" tag on it or something and the fans would erupt, exactly like this, and it'd be perfectly deniable.
I was shocked out of my mind that a creator I'd loved so much would treat me this way. I felt utterly, utterly betrayed, because I had trusted him. Regardless of how rude he felt I'd been, the idea that he would stoop so low as to weaponize his fanbase was just so contrary to what I knew of him that it kind of broke my world. I'd thought I'd finally gotten clear of the abusers on the Internet, and here it was happening again.
But he blocked me, and his fans were going after me, which meant that he had said something about me that I wasn't allowed to see. Did you know I had no idea he was Black before now? He used to be "that bug person" to me. No name, no race, no gender. Now he'll always be "that Black guy who draws bugs" when I think about him. Maybe he'd be happy for that change, maybe he wouldn't.
Do you know why I feel so comfortable posting on this blog? it's because basically no one follows me. There's a couple friends from irl, a couple friends from online, and the rest of my "followers" are defunct accounts from when I used to be on here back in 2017 or so, before the great exodus. Me doing a reblog on my account reaches basically no one other than the people I tag.
I was prepared to accept gentle ribbing from the community. I knew that was a risk I was running by asking him on a public forum, and if I got corrected, well then, I'd be a little embarrassed, and I'd apologize, and I'd know better for next time.
But he blocked me, and he didn't tell anyone he'd done it (at least, not in what you screenshotted for me). So everyone was sending me asks as though I'd seen his answer, but for me it came completely out of the blue. Yes, I overreacted, absolutely I admit that, that's kinda what PTSD does.
So I absolutely, truly, and sincerely apologize to you in particular, both for the things I said to you in this reblog chain and also for the replies I gave you when you asked as anon. You had no reason to believe you were cooperating in something that looked in every respect like a targeted harassment scheme from my point of view, so the things I said to you absolutely weren't deserved.
You don't get to decide whether either Bug or I owe each other an apology, though. That is for he and I to decide, if he ever decides to unblock me.
You owe me nothing whatsoever. I don't demand that you pass my message along to him. I only ask, as I did then.
And I'll keep responding to you as long as you respond me, because as I said, from my side these are basically DMs, and because I bear you no ill will whatsoever. I would like to keep talking, because communication is infinitely preferable to the alternative, from my point of view. If you decide to block me as well, which is absolutely your prerogative, then that will be it for reopening lines of communication. No one else has signed their name to what they said in my ask box. Not a single person but you.
I will ask you one other favor, and again, this is only a request. If you know anyone in your life who suffers from acute PTSD, please ask them how difficult it would be to claw themself back far enough to apologize for something they said while still in the midst of a trauma flashback, as I was when I first apologized to you. You are free to show them anything I've written—yes, that's obvious, as I wrote it in public, but I also give you explicit permission to share it. Even if that doesn't matter to you, it might matter to your friend if you decided to show them. You'll probably say I'm asking too much for saying this, and I probably am, but selfishly I am desperately hoping you will be willing to cut me a little slack. Just cause you're a person, and I'm a person, and we're talking.
