i am denatured

» daniel rogers; 21 » shape shifter, dynamic camouflage

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[raunaqnaim-deactivated20200110]

Raunaq froze at the question, falling silent as he thought it over. He never had a romantic relationship in his life. Anything he had in the past was without consent, because of his powers. He didn’t want to completely mess up their friendship, but he didn’t think he could just ignore the fact that they both like each other. He wanted to let go and actually give it a try, and Dan was obviously the best person to do with that. He trusted Dan more than anyone else in the world. Looking at Dan, he gave him a small smile. “I mean, what you want matters too, but I think I want to give us a try? I know I’m kind of depraved when it comes to this sort of thing, but I know I like you–quite a lot,” His face only grew even more red at the confession. 

Suddenly, he was paranoid that wasn’t what Dan wanted at all, maybe he just wanted to stay friends. Maybe the point of his confession was more of an “I like you, but I think we should just be friends.” Backtracking, Raunaq let out a nervous laugh, “But if that’s not what you want, I get it. I mean–we can just ignore this ever happened. I’m sure we’d be back to normal eventually. You probably want to date someone with a bit more experience, and I wouldn’t hold that against you. Honestly,” He was rambling, but he had habit of that when he was nervous. 

[dannojrogers-blog]

The smile on Dan’s face came and went in record time as Raunaq spoke.  They never quite committed to what they had to say, Dan knew he was guilty just as much as Raunaq was.  With his heart hammering in his chest, Dan reached over and pulled Raunaq’s hand to his face.  With as much courage as he could muster, he kissed his hand.  “I don’t care how slow we take this, and the inexperience excuse doesn’t phase me.”  Clearing his throat, Dan looked up to Raunaq’s eyes.  “I don’t want to push this, I don’t want this to fall apart.  I don’t want you to feel obligated to act on whatever it is you are feeling simply because it is new and you think it is what is expected of you.”

After a moment’s pause, Dan spoke again.  “I expect nothing from you, nothing more than the fact that we care about each other.  Even if you find you feel more platonic towards me, that’s okay.  I can deal with that.”  Dan realized he still had Raunaq’s hand in his own.  Very slowly, he released it, finding it hard to hear anything over the rushing in his ears.

[dannojrogers-blog]

biggest fear?

I don’t know if you know the feeling, but the moment that you dissociate so far that you kind of forget yourself?  I’ve only ever had it in very small doses, but the idea of forgetting everything?  In theory sometimes it’d be nice, but in practice it is terrifying.

[dannojrogers-blog]

Most recent sexual dream?

I don’t really remember most of my dreams.  The ones that do get through aren’t really pleasant or sexy.  I’m sorry to disappoint.

[dannojrogers-blog]

Are you a virgin?

No, but is I almost wish I was?  Don’t get me wrong, I am fine with the experience and all, but I wish it had been with someone I was in love with.

[dannojrogers-blog]

Who do you miss most?

Either my sister or my mom.  It’s really hard to choose between the two.

[dannojrogers-blog]

When are you going to kiss Raun?

When both he and I are ready.

Consent is both sexy and required.

[dannojrogers-blog]

TMI Tuesday Edited

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[dannojrogers-blog]

raunaqnaim:

Raunaq wanted to ask Dan how he knew what he was feeling wasn’t platonic as well, but he didn’t want to risk sounding more insecure than he already was. He didn’t want to ruin anything before it began by constantly second guessing himself. While his short-term confident boost was obviously the effect of someone’s powers, and probably a bit dangerous, Raunaq missed the feeling of knowing what he wanted. He wanted to work towards feeling that way again. “I guess I get that,” He laughed softly, before biting his lip. 

“I–well–yeah, if you call feeling sick at the thought you and Cillian doing–stuff, then yeah I was jealous,” His cheeks flushed, causing him to rub at them with his free hand. He didn’t know where to go from there or what people who liked each other did, but he decided he was just going to go with the flow. “So now that we’re–whatever we are, that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you get away with taking your shirt off willy nilly. Keep all that away,” He laughed, playfully pushing Dan’s shoulder. Although, secretly, Raunaq wouldn’t mind seeing “all that” someday. 

Dan watched Raunaq fidget; the chewing on his lip, the brushing at his reddening cheeks.  It was little things like this that made his heart swell just a little bit when they interacted.  At first it was the excitement of finding a friend who seemed to just click into his life like a puzzle piece he didn’t know he had lost.  Then it was platonic, now, it was more.  He could never really need more from Raunaq than moments like these.  Fear that this wasn’t going to last still tugged at the back of his thoughts.  What if this was just Raunaq’s first crush?  What if it was something he was going to outgrow in about a month?

Dan gave a small smirk at the shirt comment.  “Oh, it will never be willy nilly, it will definitely be planned for the most inconvenient times for you.”  Clearing his throat, it was Dan’s turn to let the insecurity creep in.  “What exactly are we to you?  Or, what do you want it to be?”  It was better for Raunaq to have the reins; to have the control of what they were and where they were going to go. 

[wnq-writers]

You wanted me to be your anchor, but you didn’t realize that meant I had to drown.

any-ocean  (via wnq-writers)

[darshanasuresh]

Tell me, Atlas. What is heavier: The world or its people’s hearts?

Darshana S, Atlas still stands but does anyone else? (via afterthelonely)

[wnq-music]

There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen,”Anthem,” The Future  (via wordsnquotes)

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[dannojrogers-blog]

raunaqnaim:

Raunaq’s cheeks flushed as Dan laced their fingers together, biting back a smile. He didn’t want to look too much like a love-sick teenager. While he understood what Dan was saying, he still couldn’t help but feel out of his league. He knew Dan wasn’t very experienced, but Raunaq just felt so inadequate compared to him. Twenty years old and never had a first real kiss. It would be like dating a child. He settled for squeezing his hand instead of going on about how romantically inept he was. 

“Recently,” Raunaq confessed. “I mean, I was suspicious around the same time as you, but–like I told you, I didn’t really understand what romantic feelings were. I never really had them for another person before. I just sort of thought I ate something funny before I hung out with you,” He laughed lightly. “I just didn’t know how to distinguish between friend feelings and more than friend feelings. Cillian helped though,” He murmured before finally meet his gaze and biting his lower lip nervously. “When you told me you liked someone, I felt–sick. I thought it was a girl.” 

“Sometimes it is really difficult to differentiate between platonic and... well, not platonic.  I have some platonic crushes too, just people that I want to know better or on a more friendly level than just acquaintances.”  Dan looked off as he thought, bringing to mind the people he was becoming closer to and some who he wished he could reach.  His lip curled at the latter, bringing him back to the present.  The smile returned at the pressure his hand received from Raunaq’s.  There was a steadiness there, a solidity he wasn’t expecting.

Dan nodded along as Raunaq spoke, fighting the small things that made him want to laugh or roll his eyes.  Raunaq’s eyes met his and he noted how he wore his emotions so plainly on his face.  It made his heart ache at the uncertainty that Raunaq felt.  The last statement made his grin grow wide, his eyes crinkling as he took in what he meant.  “You were jealous...”  He had to hide the spark of warmth that he felt at the fact that Raunaq cared that much, choosing instead to make light of the moment.  He thought it might also make the discussion feel less heavy.

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[dannojrogers-blog]

raunaqnaim:

Raunaq let out a small sigh of relief and nodded along with Dan’s reassurances. “And yet, we still act like the fact that we like each other is a surprised,” Raunaq snorted before sitting next to him on the bed, wringing his hands nervously. Dan was right about things not needing to change, although Raunaq wanted some change. He didn’t want it to feel like they never even said anything. “I don’t really know what faster than normal is,” Raunaq laughed softly, running a hand through his dark hair. “You’ll have to explain the ways of romance to me like a small child.” 

He fell silent for a moment as he seemed to be contemplating something, his hands twitching at his sides. Hesitantly he reached over and took one of Dan’s hands in his own, idly playing with his fingers as a warm flush settled over his cheeks. “When did you–uhm know? That you like me, I mean. I honestly had no clue,” He admitted. 

“I’m by no means perfect at romance, I just have my own brand of stupidity that seems disarming and charming enough that I can get away with it.”  He smiled at Raunaq; not necessarily knowing what they were to each other now.  He guessed he could just say that he was his Raunaq- friend or something more.  “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out.  Every relationship is different.”

When Raunaq took his hand, Dan was surprised.  It felt awkward but natural all at the same time.  Dan smiled as Raunaq fiddled with his fingers; without asking for permission, he laced his finger in between his - friend? -’s.  “Well, you see, I think it was when we talked about our families.  That was one of the moments I think.  Somewhere between that and the stupid amount of time we’ve seen each other even though the session has just begun.  Why, what about you?  When did you know?”

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[dannojrogers-blog]

raunaqnaim:

Raunaq continued to grip the white board tightly in his hands, his eyes staring at the words on Dan’s side as if he was in a dream. His heart was pounding so loudly in his ears that he could hardly hear what Dan was saying. His stomach bubbled with butterflies when he slowly realized that someone finally didn’t want him because he manipulated them too–and it was someone he actually liked. He was so overwhelmed by a mix of nerves and excitement that he couldn’t find his voice. With trembling fingers, he bent down to grab the dry-erase marker before writing on his own side; Raunaq likes Dan too. He let out a slow shaky breath and turned the board to Dan, keep his gaze to the ground.

“I was going to–uhm tell you the other day, but I chickened out. I never thought you’d–well, it still doesn’t seem real,” He let out a weak laugh. “I-I mean you’re you, and I’m–a fucking mess.” He couldn’t understand why anyone would want him without being influenced. Shit, he hasn’t even been kissed before, let alone gone on any sort of date. He would be the worst boyfriend. “I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’ve never liked someone before.”

Dan felt the burn of the relief spread across his skin as he read the white board.  He let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding.  It seemed both of them were always on the verge of saying things like this, but they never had the footing.  Now they leapt and there it was- a solid ledge to land on, even if it seemed to be a small one at the moment.  A small laugh rattled in his chest as his friend continued to ramble.  

“What do you mean I’m me?  If you don’t think I am a hot mess, then I am sorry, but you are sorely mistaken.”  The grin he had set his lips into faltered as he watched Raunaq think, the panic seeming to work its way through his system.  “Hey, hey, hey.  You don’t need to know what you’re doing.  I haven’t dated a guy in who knows how long, so things have changed for me too.  We don’t have to go any faster than normal, we don’t really have to change things.  We already probably spend more time together than most normal people.”

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[dannojrogers-blog]

raunaqnaim:

Raunaq chuckled at the mention of the fact of the day, remembering that as one of their many weird topics of conversation. Turning to the whiteboard, he grabbed the dry erase marker, distantly noticing that Dan had something written on his side, but was too focused on what his fact should be to really pay attention to what he wrote. He searched his brain for facts about himself that were considered fun before finally choosing a half-ass one. He was about to write he has three tattoos when his gaze flickered back to Dan’s side of the board, pausing when he saw his name. Dan likes Raunaq. 

As the words registered with him, he heart skipped beat and time seemed to slow down. The pen slipped from his fingers as a million thoughts raced through his mind. At first he felt excited, but worry soon enough took over, having him wonder if he wasn’t control the entire time. He wanted to believe Dan had genuine feelings for him, but the part of him that has put up with so much bullshit wasn’t letting him. After a couple more moments of awkward silence, he looked up from the whiteboard and bit his lower lip. “Dan–is this–are you sure?” He asked breathlessly. “I mean, are you sure it’s not my ability doing this to you? If it is, I’ll try harder to control myself.”

Dan’s heart was pounding and he could feel the prickling of his skin as the embarrassment and panic settled in.  What if this was a mistake?  What if he had pushed this?  What if it was fleeting?  He wouldn’t be able to handle the hurt- his own or Raunaq’s.  Dan set his phone down and braced his hands on the bed.  The pen slipping from his friend’s hand could not be a good sign.  The silence stretched on for hours it seemed; this was it.  He read too much into it, he created something out of nothing and his friend was uncomfortable with him.  

“Wh-what?  No- Raun, no.  That’s not... No, you are in control of yourself, this isn’t that.  I mean, it doesn’t feel like it.  I’ve been on the receiving end before and it never felt like, well, like this.”  Dan rubbed the back of his neck, working out the worry knotting itself there.  “No, I, I never wanted to push it.  I didn’t want to make it-.... I don’t know.  I promised you I’d tell you at the end of the month.  I didn’t want to break my promise, but I also wasn’t sure what I was risking.”  

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

[dannojrogers-blog]

raunaqnaim:

Raunaq was feeling a bit nervous and shaky ever since he almost confessed his feelings to Dan. He still couldn’t comprehend how he was confident and assertive for a whole week and then it all melted away as soon as the words were about to leave his lips. He was back to himself again, which kind of sucked, but at least he didn’t blurt out love confessions. He was a little concerned over what Dan wanted to talk about, but figured it was nothing seriously, Maybe, he wanted to call off the bed, which Raunaq figured was a joke anyway.

When he got to Dan’s, he knocked on the door and gave Dan an easy grin when it opened. Stepping in the room, he didn’t notice the white boards, only his friend that he was a little worried about. “Hey,” He murmured as he stood in front of him, arms crossed over his chest. “What was it that you wanted to talk about?”

“Nothing really,” he said before clearing his throat.  “I just couldn’t handle the separation anxiety I guess.”  Dan gave a smile, trying to keep everything as normal as he could.  He walked over to his bed and plopped down, propping his feet on the edge of the frame.  “Oh, hey, I updated that, uh, that white board thing we talked about.  You can write your fact if you want, or not, you know, it’s up to you.”  Dan could feel the blood rising up his neck, fighting the feeling of embarrassment that was prickling at him.

Dan busied himself himself with his phone, avoiding eye contact.  Every few moments since his friend’s entrance, he would give him a sideways glance, trying to read any reaction.  He was hoping that this was all unexpected enough, but not terribly surprising.  He also hoped that he wasn’t shooting the friendship in the foot.  It wasn’t about the bet anymore, and he hoped that when Raunaq saw the board he wouldn’t think it was some superficial trick.

[dannojrogers-blog]

Fun Facts || Raunaq&Dan

Dan realized he was out of time.  So many complicated ideas that lead to nowhere, and now he was out of time.  His work out had distracted him, keeping his breathing even as he fought the frustration and mild panic for new ideas.  Neither his time in the gym nor the shower after provided a way out.  He was being an idiot; he never should have made that bet.  All it could lead to was a crumpled friendship at best, but still, he couldn’t change the past.  Now, pacing the room, he desperately wished that he could.

Sorting through every conversation they had recently had, Dan grasped at any idea.  Raunaq liked small things, things that were meaningful but personal.  He wouldn’t want some big show of affection.  What had they even talked about recently?  He could practically feel the lightbulb form above his head- even if it was a rather dim one.  Dan scrambled for the white board and markers.  “Raunaq Fact of the Day,” he began.  After a moment, he decided to leave that portion blank, it would make things easier to set up.  To the right of the phrase, he began to write more.  “Dan Fact of the Day.”  Heart beating fast and breathing unsure, he scrawled out his fact.  It wasn’t perfect but it would have to do.  Dan hesitantly typed out a text, “Hey man, I’m back.  You can come over when you’re ready.”