the semester is almost over and iāve decided to finally reflect on my life. i donāt really know where else to do it except here... i donāt keep a diary. when i used to be a lot more active, this place felt like home. i could do almost anything, ask people anything, talk about anything... until a lot of negative things pushed me away from tumblr. but it always feel good to write here, even if no one reads this. even if no one gives a shit about me anymore here. even if it was just 5 people before and zero people now. i loved this wide, wide world. iām still really grateful.
so, here i am. entering my junior year of college after this semester is over. the stress of finding internship and job opportunities started to loom over my head this year. at first, it was just a small worry.... but from january until now, itās been like an annoying, poisoning cloud, just bugging me in the back of my mind, constantly there, constantly making me feel this guilt. like iām not good enough. that i wonāt ever find anything. that iām not trying hard enough. and that part, at least, is true.
i didnāt really know how privileged i was until i came to college. people would ask me how much i got in financial aid, and most of the people i met told meĀ ādamn, you donāt need any. you got money like that, huh?ā i didnāt really feel that sink in until recently. i do live a good life. i have my own apartment. i get things when i want them. i buy new clothes, new games, new gifts, and it doesnāt come out of my pocket. iām a fucking brat. and i feel really bad. so i really want to work hard, now. i fixed up my resume, and i applied to a bunch of places... but itās looking bleak again. i think i started too late into the year. and now i feel like iām going to slip back into a sulking, lazy mess again. iām still fighting, though.Ā
i quit smoking. iām trying to drink less often. i think itāll help me with building motivation towards my careers, and i want to take better care of my body. iām tired of feeling tired out all the time.
basically i want to get my shit together. and i say this all the time, and people say this all the time... that they want to get their shit together. but iām really tired this time, of not getting my shit together. i want to be someone. i want to do something.
and all the same time, i have people telling my to stop worrying and just enjoy the youth iām in now. i met this girl who works at nintendo a week ago, and she was pep talking me about how i shouldnāt worry, how i should really live every day for the present, but she works at nintendo... would she be saying something different if she was struggling? if she wasnāt hard working enough, or blessed enough, to be working there?
and am i too worried about the future all the time? i think i am when it comes to my relationship. i always think too far into the future, and problems that could happen... even though no problems are happening. i think,Ā āmaybe heāll get sick of me.ā orĀ āmaybe heāll cheat on me.ā orĀ āmaybe heāll find someone better, smarter. prettier.ā
i always worry about these things. and it eats away at me.
but i love him. i really do. he is the sweetest, and this is my longest relationship. sometimes i think iām too boring for him, which is my main worry, but i want to just trust him and trust his feelings.
i want to start learning how to sayĀ āfuck it.ā i want to start being more confident. i want to stop worrying about every little thing, all the little things, all the fucking time.
but i also want to work harder. iām tired of just doing whatever the fuck i want. i want to build something up for myself.
and i want to stop being all talk.
so, fuck it... here i go. let me try, and keep trying.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
izzy806
germansingergirl
