THIS IS TOO MUCH WHOLESOME IN A TINY BODY
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@dapnae
THIS IS TOO MUCH WHOLESOME IN A TINY BODY
Cottage on an island near Nora, Sweden. Submitted byĀ Jonas Loiske.
WOWZA HELLO !!!! i only ever come back here when im at a point in my life where i need to self reflect LMAO im sorry but also im a nobody 3:
first off itās always weird signing on to tumblr. it was the first website that changed my life besides games like maplestory or audition. i logged a lot of memories, good and bad, artistic and sexual, happy and angry, on this site... simply from reblogging pictures and quotes. tumblr really made us all artsy emo bitches huh??? and i met so many people. i donāt talk to any of you anymore. we might follow each other on instagram and even thatās weird, because we seem so much more... like stable and normal citizens of america...... yeah, itās just weird to think that i was a herby little asian tumblr girl who never liked to go out or socialize and lived on the internet. tumblr (and games) was my world from middle school to high school. but now the world is my world??? and iām almost done with college now... time flies so fast.
SO the point of my reflection is exactly that actually. about time, about memories. do you ever feel like youāre not really living? and youāre scared one day youāll just be old, and youāll regret not getting more lit or being more beautiful or doing whatever the fuck better?
like... iām sure this is a common fear. the fear that we arenāt living in the present and making the best out of it, right? but i feel like when i turn around and see the people around me, they seem content to me. they seem happy, while iām worrying too much about whether the thing iām doing or the person iām with is making me happy.
i feel like iām running out of time.
i have this habit of looking back at old snapchat videos/photos. and i always feel like when i look back, i think to myself, āwow, i look and sound really happy in this.ā and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy and good looking back at these old snaps. but in that video/photo, i didnāt feel amazingly happy... i was just living, i guess. SO THEN WHAT IS IT??? am i actually happy right now? when i look back at a snap i took today in three months, will i be like WOW THIS WAS LIT when it wasnāt actually that lit?
and if im self conscious about this in the present... i donāt want to force myself to feel happy in that moment of time.
i donāt know, this just sounds dumb now that i write it out. i just feel like every moment is just slipping pass me, and i canāt tell if iām taking it for granted and shouldnāt be worrying, or thereās actually something i can do to slow these minutes down and cherish every detail of the present.
itās like iāve become routine and numb to my own life.
MAYBE im just annoying af but i cant stop thinking about this. ive been thinking about it all year and... 2018 kinda sucked. it felt like it flew by in a blurry ass breeze. and i donāt want my life to feel that way. a blurry, suck ass year.
maybe i need to start changing things. maybe i need to start changing.
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Une femme mariƩe, 1964
Everyone checks in at dusk
yoo
wow i havent been on here in so long
the summer is over. i have one more week till i move into my new apartment and start my second year of college.
i have so much i want to write about.
my first year at college...
it was wild. it was fun. extremely fast paced. i did crazy things and i met great people. i explored beautiful places, ugly places, dark places, surprising places. tried different substances and questioned reality. sober and questioned reality. nothing really bad happened to me... nothing too deep, nothing too dark. canāt tell if thatās because i refused to face anythingĀ āscaryā or if iām justĀ āfaking it till i make itā - trying to be lighthearted to actually be lighthearted, if that makes sense. that in itself may be the huge problem. i feel like im running away from some core problem i have with myself. and i donāt know if i want to confront it. or if iām making it up in my head... i donāt know. donāt really want to know.
i realized that in terms of grades, i really need to get my shit together. i also compared myself to so many more people, because there were that many more people to be compared to.
how i view myself now...
being in new york, i felt a lot more smaller. a lot more insignificant. there were a lot more pretty girls. successful girls. pretty and successful girls. prettier than me. smarter than me. and these thoughts are so petty but donāt we all have these thoughts anyways?
this girlās bayalage. this girlās eyelashes. her makeup. her body. her clothing. iām constantly seeing people i know or know of and go, āwow, they sure are pretty. prettier than me. glowing more than me.ā
Ā i feel like im lacking everywhere. in terms of looks. and thus in confidence, too. you donāt need to look any way to have confidence. but it makes sense to me. and itās something i value... fashion, beauty, aesthetics. since iāve been to the city, so many people have pointed out that i look 12. i hate it. and i can change some part of it. i donāt want to look 12 anymore. or dress like it anymore, lmao. i want this change to happen faster. i have to work harder.
what my summer has isolated me with..
the annoyance of my dad. every day. i canāt be around him or else he sees me and that alone is just a trigger for him to go off and pick on me. my brother has told both of them to stop. my mom has but... i really canāt handle hearing my dad talk at all. not saying im in a rough spot but... this is just mentally annoying for me. but when i go away next week, itāll be solved i guess. itās just disappointing to be reminded that heās like this.
how lonely i can be. i want to be more social and make more friends. close friends, good friends. not just numbers. and i want to improve the relationships now. iām sick of trying to not care about people. i want to care more about people who deserve it. they donāt need to do the same, but yeah. some of my friends are precious, and sometimes i just feel like iām a little lazy shit.
how uncomfortable i am with myself. donāt even know where to start with this, except that iām trying to be better at it. to be just by myself. no phone. no distractions... just mindfulness. trying to meditate more.
i was really feeling like writing a lot a few minutes ago, but iām a bit more peaceful now. it was a good idea writing though. i want to do it more.
if you read this, thanks for reading. good night. :)
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