Saved by Grace

Agnostic nihilist turned believer by Jesus Christ.Please be reminded that whatever I post prior to Septmber 23, 2016 are posts/reblogs by past me. Thankfully I have been transformed by God. :)

[nevver]

Tomorrow maybe? Bed Frost

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Sometimes I think about what if I stayed.

Sometimes I look at my previous job, and think "I really left when they started collaborating with Japan, huh?"

Sometimes I look at my previous job, and think "I really left that place that has ALAMAT as their ambassador, huh?"

Sometimes I look at my previous job, and think "I really left that place that lets me get to parts of the Philippines for free, huh?"

Eto ba yung feeling ng mga galing sa toxic relationship tapos namiss nila bigla yung ex nilang toxic? I'm sure there are answers to my what ifs, pero sa ngayon may onting "this could have been so good thoughts". Can't say I bet on losing dogs (reference to this song that conveniently played while I was writing this), kasi kita ko naman mga pinangyayari ni Lord. Kita ko naman pagsama nya. How smooth things are.

I thought this year is the year of increase, but can't help but feel I'm constantly losing haha. I know it's not that way. It'll never be that way. But I can't see yet, san yung blessings ko? Yung special blessings. I acknowledge that I'm being blessed somehow, but this isn't giving year of increase hahahaha

Ayun, I don't miss my first workplace enough to want to go back. I just feel bittersweet parting with it.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Sucks to be the "I thought you were gay" boyish not the "oohh she a cool girl, hoping she a lil fruity" boyish.

I feel like I lost too many chances at being in any sort of romantic relationships because of this. I know I'm pretty. Maybe not in a conventional way, but an exotic beauty kind of way. That counts for something. But it gets negated because I'm too damn boyish. I hate this. I feel like too much of a bro guys just stop considering me as a prospect. I hate it. It's not like I can just stop being boyish, that's kinda just how I act subconsciously. I always lose to the feminine ones. And I'm a girl's girl so I don't hold it against these women who existed as they are and somehow ended up being liked. I'm just thinking can't that happen to me as well? Or do I really have to change myself?

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

What the hell am I even doing?

I can't really describe how I feel. I feel like I got led on, but not really, I'm not sure. If that person is really just nice and joking and thoughtful that people mistake his actions for something else; or he really is just unaware that he's flirty and subconsciously makes a move on girls he finds attractive. I don't know. All I know is that I'm a little disappointed because what I thought would lead to something is another dead end, and I'm getting impatient on finding out when it will be my turn.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Accepting people for who they are is far more difficult than it sounds. Oftentimes they won't respond the way you want to. At times their response would touch a little too close to home--in a bad way. And you can't really take it against them. It's not that they don't care about you. Or that they don't like you. They're just not built that way. The same way you aren't built to always fit their needs or wants or whatever heals them. It's just the way things go.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Of course you knew. ,Don't act like you didn't know. Don't pretend you didn't think there's a possibility it could come to this. Way too idealistic of you to think it couldn't -- wouldn't. May sinaktan ka nanamang tao dahil sa immaturity mo. Time to grow up, and accept the reality of your age.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

I want to quit my job.

When I said this to my friend she said "totoo talaga yung stereotype sa atin na mabilis tayong sumuko no?" To which I got offended. Sure, whatever. Call me that I just feel like I shouldn't have to take this beating. I've been in so many toxic situations that I could just get out of, and work is one of the few things that I have control over in that aspect.

Whatever she meant when she said that, pero na-hurt ako. Madali naman talaga ako ma-hurt lmao. Pero parang tanga lang. That said, I don't expect her to know where I'm coming from; to understand how I'm feeling. Well, whatever.

I feel like I shouldn't go without a fight. So maybe I'll stay. Grow fangs--scratch that--show my fangs. Because they beat docile people up. And, man, I'm soft, but you don't know how much backbone I got. Call it pride, masyado na ko maraming pinagdaanan sa buhay para lang magpaterrorize sa'yo. Weakass coward na takot sa maayos na confrontation.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

It never really sunk in to me how difficult it is for my sister to be body positive until yesterday.

I went out with my sister yesterday. And that's not out of the blue, we do that a lot. But I guess we don't really do long commutes, or maybe we usually ride a cab, or idk baka may quota lang body shamers kahapon, but on our way home I've never heard my sister get fat shamed BY RANDOM STRANGERS as much as last night.

I try so hard to help my sister not hate the body she has. To help her think, ok sure it's great to try and be fitter, healthier, but it doesn't make her any less of a person to not be. But I'd wager that be difficult when you have literal strangers have that much audacity verbalising and letting their fat shaming be heard the person in question.

Last night we took the bus home, and Philippines being Philippines packed us commuters like sardines to the point that we're on the steps to the door of the bus. *I* was the one blocking the driver's view of the side mirror, but when the driver said "Ate ang laki ng likod mo wag mo harangan yung salamin" *she* was the one to apologize. I heard some other commuters hide their chuckle. I honestly was too stunned to speak. How normalised would fat shaming on a person be for them to apologize on a remark like that instinctively. I assured her the remark was towards me and adjusted my position. Then on the tricycle home the driver said "Dyan yung malaki sa backseat". And she was worried it was because of her heaviness that the driver stopped for a moment during the travel. When a seat got freed up on the front she wanted me to transfer seats because she was again worried it would be too heavy at the back. And it would have been okay if she said it in a "duh" manner not a voice filled with insecurity. I hate what I witnessed last night so much. I wanted to punch everyone who showed disdain for someone they don't know and doesn't even try to cause them harm just because she's fat. I was even more seething because it was directed towards my sister whom I dearly love. I hate all of that.

I call my sister"fat" not to shame her but to reiterate that fat is an adjective not an insult. And I did ask her about it once, if she gets hurt when I call her fat. I would have stopped immediately had she said yes, but she said not really, because she knows I don't call her fat derogatorily in fact it's said affectionately. And I thought that was enough or maybe it helped her be positive about it but I don't think I want to do it anymore. One person calling her fat affectionately wouldn't outweigh loads of people calling her fat derogatorily. Instead it might even bring her bad flashbacks.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

I didn't realise how much things change when you hit 25. For one, most of my friends either have been in a relationship or are in a relationship. I'm happy for them--if I see them being healthy for each other that is. It's good. It's great. But --and I can't believe I've come to this point in my life lol-- as much as I enjoy being single, I can't help but think sometimes, when is it my turn?

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Recently, I've been reconnecting to some people from my highschool (most of which aren't my friends then because the friends I did have back then we never really parted), and it feels real good. So interesting how we're all like capable of talking to each other being friendly and casual when all we had in common was our school. It makes me think of those times as a kid when I would be amazed at my parents at how they're capable of talking hours on end with people they meet after many many years, when I couldn't do that with people I stopped being classmates with a year or two ago. Now, that's kinda us, and we're not even parents yet. I guess it's just an acquired skill you get as you age. I feel quite warm because of that skill.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

What am I supposed to do?

I wanna be good. But this place won't let me. I'm supposed to love these people. I can't. I wasn't brought to solve problems "as a family" we're on our own. And now since I'm a Christian I'm supposed to think of them? When they're predisposed to think I'm bad?

Si gago nag grow daw. Ang totoo kaya di na sya katulad namin mag-react ay dahil wala na sya sa bahay. I've underestimated how much people want to think they're good. Things like telling yourself "I'd never do that if I was in that position" won't you really? I thought so too, and yet, here we are.

Yes, I'm at my parents' mercy because I can't live on my own yet. And yes, it feel wrong to just leave and cut them off after recieving from them. But that's what I plan to do. Can't be good in that environment. And I want to be good.

But if I do that how am I supposed to win them? But then again, the me right won't be able to. Kasi they're very unforgiving of other people's imperfections. And I wonder will I be able to win them? One day down the line I hope so. Actually, kahit di ako. A part of me would rather not it be me. Kasi gusto ko na lang talaga mang cut off. Di ba pwedeng malaman ko na lang years from now, by chance magkita kami or something, and then find out Christians na din sila. And let bygones be bygones. Pero that's it. Not reunite with them. Ayoko na talaga. I just want a new life without these people.

[thewoodbetween]

Mystical Terrarium no. 2 by Joy Laforme

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Bat ba kasi ngayon din ako nawalan ng pera kung kailan walang trabaho si papa 🤦

Alam kong wala sa lugar yung pagtatampo ko na hindi ako mabigyan kasi walang work si papa, pero kasi ngayon lang ako nagstart manghingi talaga kay papa (mga 1 year na din naman lol) tapos ang pangit lang ng timing ko kasi ngayon kailangan yung intindihin na walang mabigay sa akin.

Hays Lord pahingi ng work para kay papa. Pahingi din ng work for me. I mean, may offer na pero alam ko naman kasi delayed yun 😅 so pahingi po client for Marahuyo pls. Or kahit anong side line na pwede sa akin. Hirap ng wala panggastos 🥲

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Gusto kong umiyak nang malala.

This place wasn't supposed to be this suffocating. We had windows, trees, ventilation, a big space for ourselves! Then this fucker comes along destroyed everything. What a fucking mess this place has become. Nobody wants to be here anymore. I don't understand how people can stand this guy.

Gusto ko umiyak. Humagulgol. Kasi sobrang nakakasakal hindi lang physically pero emotionally. Hindi ko alam paano ako kakawala. Gago gusto ko umiyak.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Forgiving myself means forgiving my parents, but right now I don't quite have the capacity to do that. So I'll continue to be resentful of them for their toxic traits. For how it's traumatized me, and made life difficult for me. And I'll continue to hate myself, seeing how some of it have been passed onto me. Seeing how annoying and detrimental I can get because of it.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

Nasa point na ko ng buhay ko na makita lang kita kumukulo na dugo ko kasi naalala ko bad life decisions mo at selfishness mo, and how it actively and directly affects me. Gusto kita sabunutan at kaladkarin through your hair lalo na pag nakikita kitang prenteng prente parang di mo problema yung mga pinaako mo sa amin.

[dara-the-warrior-bride]

How many times do I have to effing reiterate being a people person does NOT come to me naturally! Stop pushing the responsibility to accomodate people onto me. Fucking damn it. It gets tiring when I do these things and it turns out that when I can't or don't have the energy to do them, no one else is willing to do it in behalf of me. Fucking damn it, how convenient am I right? Maybe if people person ako that's okay, but I'm not. Don't tell me "ikaw naman yan" "personality mo yan" it's not, it's just something I'm willing to do for you people. But damn are you people even worth it with this energy?