Musings of this Mind

Feelings in words.

[darkobssessionspoetry]

June 16th, 2024

You ask me what I dream about

It’s not here but it’s real, just a frequency away, we could be feeling it and healing

Spreading peace, making magic

We are the ones the ancestors asked for

It’s going to take death, it’s going to take pain. It’s going to take everything you have and give it back to you again.

It’s going to take grit. It’s going to take strife, and turn into something that’s worthy of a life.

March on march on

Rise up rise up, from the cities to the creeks

From the streets to the trees

Rise up Rise up

We’re here to release

[darkobssessionspoetry]

June 15th, 2024

I have so much to say and yet absolutely nothing comes out

A psychosomatic journey

A therapy, a diagnosis

Where the truths be told

The lies be held

A state of hyperawareness. Afraid of my own shadow, ashamed of my own adage

I am reliving moments long gone

And living like I’m being recorded

This is endless, timeless. And fleeting.

At the same time.

I am all and nothing

I am all, and yet I can’t even be me

The paradox consumes me

The perfectionism eats at me

These words cannot convey and so I go silent

What more is there to say?

Grief on grief on grief

On regret

I’m getting sick of this shit pie

Meal after meal, like a punishment

I’m getting sick of this sluggish sense ma

I’d like a redo

Only there isn’t one unless you want to do it as a helpless baby molded by forces out of your control

There’s only this life

This now

And the moments tick away, I watch, still, behind the glass

The hairs turning. The people passing

The tides turning

I watch. And wait

For what, I am still asking 15 years on

It is is a joke

A cosmic joke

It has got to be

There’s got to be more to life than this!

I know there is because I TASTED IT

I have felt it

I know it intimately

It’s just not here now.

It’s a husband that died leaving me with a closet full of clothes

It’s a moth ridden suit.

It’s the shape in a bed, but nothing to prove I lived

I’m going stir crazy

But it’s all inside my head

Stirring up a storm

Silent and deadly

Silent, and invisible

You don’t get me

I don’t get me.

Stuck on repeat, like the ninth circle of hell

Some agreement to face the same version of mediocrity

Want to break free but unable to get past one’s own folly

Is there a disease of being too aware?

You watch yourself so carefully, you see every flaw in the rehearsal

For a play that never comes

I am bone weary

It was once a madness

It’s burned me out now.

I drag my feet

I ache throughout wishing I achieved

I take more than I give

I content myself with the tastless shapeless norm

I am dying on the inside

As we all are

In this fleeting mystical space

Stuck in a fabricated forever

A twilight zone

Of cards home and holidays and eternal memories captured with the press of a finger

All of it for naught

All of it nothing

In the face of our vulnerability,

Impermance,

Inability to act with reverence

Stretched out on the loom of time, trying to weave faster than the speed of light

Futile efforts but not harmless

A towering staircase made of corpses

A tower of babel so high it reaches the heavens in uniform patterns satellites robing

Gridding our nature in distorting clothing

I came to this life to disarm it.

[darkobssessionspoetry]

April 10th, 2024

I want to live in the land of forever sea and warmth. Love spilling from our lips, joy our daily bread

I want the warmth and the sweat to mix with the happy tears that we finally landed there, you and I

I want this dream to be reality and the limbo and the turmoil a distant nightmare, such that I wonder if it was real

Laughing and loving, relishing every day, having completely upended the hand we were dealt

Cards all over the sand, dreams on full display, bring it on world, we are here to stay

Every dream and delicious bite, you sweet to me, your skin salty; I know because I taste it often

Dig in, this feast for two, with so much leftover we are feeding the world

These hands are busy, paddling, refining recipes, tracing new memories on our skin

Chasing me down the beach threatening one more love slap- please, please catch me, I run fast but I stumble on purpose

I am full of love and life, and we are there and it is not just that, to the exclusion of the whole rest of the world

We have found our niche, we are living in real time, beating with the universal heart

Making medicine, music, art. Food to feed the people. We are healing and happening and we are preparing

A tribe is coming through. We have each other and we have got every solid connection

The trades, the trees, the people, the means. We have it all

This do over is so sweet, so just. This legacy has wings and we came here to fly together

We nearly died together, nearly died apart. This is the new lease on life to live the part

Broken but beautiful, strong but so tender, gentle yet fierce, smooth yet contrary

Like the perfect recipe, spice and crunch and flavour. Like the perfect dream, finding your soulmate on an island

And getting to have that on repeat, lucid and solid and sustainable, as ephermeral and fleeting as it is

I want to flit and flirt with you, our short life spent in flight

[darkobssessionspoetry]

April 3rd, 2024

And after everything,

It turns out that all I am is a coward.

A bloodbath of a childhood, a herculean effort to course correct, many sacrifices and awakenings later

But a coward, when it came down to it

Too weak, too small, too afraid to do anything

Not when it mattered, not while it matters

Convinced myself for years of one thing or another

First inherently evil, then irredeemably broken, then unique and gentle, then strong and saviour

Only to be faced with my true self

Too afraid to be seen, too afraid to speak

Let my life pass by in silence

While I am aware, watch life slip through my fingers

While I have the chance

Open my mouth and say no words, while I have vocal cords

Use no modern tools to convey meaning

While I have the chance, while I have the chance

It turns out I was only a coward after all

Not special, not destined, not damaged, not all seeing

Only cowardly, only small

Only choosing to ignore

Only succumbing to the choice to turn away

When I accepted that making something of this life was not for me, I don’t know

But it was subtle

Because I do not recognise myself

I fought for years to get to today

Alive, and healthy

With all my dreams intact

My heart tied with the red ribbon of fate to his

My eyes solidly on the books and the accomplishments for my Tata’s hands

Now she is gone

Me still on a hamster wheel

Neither closer nor further to you and us and saving that cat

I preserved the dreams for so long only to find it was too late

And I didn’t have it in me anymore to make them happen

I am here now and I am only a coward

For neither death, nor displacement, nor desire could move me

The end?

[darkobssessionspoetry]

April 3rd, 2024

I could play a game

And come here and pretend you don’t love me

Forget that we’re one and let fear overtake me

But luckily I learned that I was just playing a part

And much rather it be healing this heart

Ways we are together even when apart

We are all one and we can create whatever

Why we are choosing separation and suffering

Is our very own karma

Time to learn and reset

[darkobssessionspoetry]

October 9th, 2023

I want to go where none have gone before

Blind folded and in the dark feel my way forward with nothing but instinct

Senses sharpened ɓy sensory deprivation and universe mandated hermit mode

Inching along until I get a feel for the terrain, always new and yet unknown, release the fear and become that version of me that just goes for it, and surprises everyone

Because it was dark and you were blind and we never thought you’d amount to much and you did everything ‘wrong’ and…how did you break out of those shackles? How can you see despite your blindness? What gods did you sacrifice before to be so brave?

I want to go where none before me have gone.

[darkobssessionspoetry]

September 1st, 2023

This Lifetime

Tucked against your chest

You’re the safest I ever felt

Until you were not

And war bloomed from inside

We hid from the shells shocked by your intent

Cowering in the trenches us side by side

Fighting for a war neither of us condoned

We had no ammuntion but that which we bore

Boring into wounds like bulls on red hot rage

Trying to find an opening in the cage of our desire

Blaming projecting hating

Done roaring passion soaring

Finding purchase in the soft of our soul

Baby bore a hole in my paper heart

Destroy me for art

Walk away viscious

Turning corners reckless

Back from the shops reeking of smoke

Fighting over candy wrappers like that mattered, moments could be our last

Spent them nit picking flaws and dishes and tugs of war

Power struggles for who’s on top and less time on the sack

Wrestling out our differences, instead we’re throwing punches

Keeping life restless, on our toes expecting another fight

That was our life on repeat, on the daily grind of the trauma in our minds

Living day to day, blaming projecting hating

Wasting precious seconds like we had a bottomless account

Reckless with our words, frugal with our loving

Brutal with our blows and stingy with our caresses

Secretly wanting make up time to take over the majority of our chaotic wrestling

Trialing the bars we spit

Playing games with our investments

Trotting the globe exploring, testing every invention

Hooked on the adrenaline raising the vibration

We’re meant to be making magic

We’re meant to be making an example

Of star crossed love surviving from afar

Making it despite the odds

Playing it risky and winning by far

The gift of our existence knowing we’re never apart

Baby I dream of you even when we’re at odds

You hold me and reassure me, your energy is telling even when you’re not

And when I’m down, I’m feeling you holding your head and crying out loud

This is the real love this is the real deal projecting and turning it into art

This is the trajectory, this is the angelic history

This is the hardest journey of them all

I chose it by your side, the fights to the peace and wars

The solace from the storm, the haven in your arms

The dreams yet to come, the fruits of the womb slumbering

The beauty and the passion

The magic and the madness

It’s all you and me, I felt it from the start

Addictive and transformative, how you know it’s art

Butterfly from the chryslasis, dragon fly iconography

Sly as a fox strategy

Built on shaky ground, shaken now we fall, like towers on stilts

Down came london bridge

We’re having to make a break to remake stronger

Reacquaintances from strangers, from partners, cut from the same cloth

In this lifetime, the choice is ours

Take it or leave it but I’ve got my heart set on this one

Want you to take me nice and hard

Achieve all our goals, integrate our shadows

Bridge the divide

Heal on levels unprecedented

Teach the world about love far and wide, unconditional, unmarked by the passage of time

The distance only makes it fonder, it’s time to do the work and unite

Holy mission, it takes two and I’m praying

Got my sights set on this lifetime, let’s get it together, let’s get it together

I’ll play my part

[darkobssessionspoetry]

August 24th, 2023

Crawling, bloodied from what you did to me

The most serious the most passionate the closest, the strongest, treated me the dirtiest

Left me out in the cold

The most malignant only sent me an email

The original heartbreak only broke up respectfully with me over video

You? You ghosted.

Almost 5 years together and you disappeared, refused to give me closure, went cold, toyed with me, avenging your heartfelt investment

I am speechless.

I still have days where I am asking what the hell happened, why did I deserve this, how is this my life?

What did I miss?

Again, the closest, the dearest, the nearest, the most protective, the one that knew it ALL

Every inch, every knot, every secret

Privy to the story of the best friend that sent a message to breakup with me detailing my flaws

You couldnt even tell me

No birthday wish, not answering my calls, empty promises, I miss you but let’s take it slow to the tune of shutting me out

I’m sorry, the two words you uttered because I said this wasn’t fair, 2 months ago now

Some message saying you’re sorry for the silence 3 months ago but that you were feeling grief

What am I not comprehending?

‘It definitely ended.’

When?!?!

[darkobssessionspoetry]

August 23rd, 2023

I deeply desire love

But I am finally, blissfully okay without it

Because I realise my true nature is love, everything is love, this deep breath is love

I am home in myself

And I love how I feel, how I see the world, how I love

[darkobssessionspoetry]

August 12th, 2023

I never imagined you would be one of the ones I would have to guard myself against

Not in the aftermath- during, sure

The signs were all there. I wrote poems about it. But I always expected it would turn out well in the end

Not this, definitely not this

I really loved you, you know. Really, dearly, soulfully.

I don’t know what the future holds

I don’t know why things turned out this way, no clear end, while you claim it ended, and it’s over because you’re gone, but your energy is hovering

Holding on for dear life to something you deemed okay to lose

Why? Mirror mirror on the wall, why?

What in me does this show?

What needs resolution?

What fear manifested the love of my life shattering my heart?

The love awakened then

The old self died then

And you wear a mask, and pretend

That what we had was not out of this world

I must have mistaken it, caught glimpse of a false past self, intertwining with your energy

There is love here, but for you it’s just nice memories

I mean how do you deal with delusion?

How do you heal from confusion?

How do you remove a part of yourself from the equation, to heal and to reset?

I don’t get it, I don’t get it yet

I don’t know that I ever will

Tight lipped emperor withholding facts

Masked fool spouting niceties

Playing victim, and I’m smearing my power into crevices and cracks

Foundations toppled by towers too lofty to hold back greed

Who poisoned your soul?

Who has you in their grips?

Where is my summer love, and more importantly where’s my self respect?

Stomp all over my heart, impish

A few months ago speaking fetish

One minute all in, the next disappeared

Five years strong gone like a ghost

And I’m left picking up pieces, piecing together clues

Hansel and Gretel crumb path to a witch’s house in the woods

Were you always this monstrous?

Did I give you the benefit of the doubt enough for a banquet of my willing heart?

What have you done?

What’s real and what’s not?

Friends, this person listened to my every thought

My soul, laid bare

I told you everything

Everything, everything, and you nodded off

Glazed over, flipped the page

A photo album of times past

My energy didn’t leave a mark, clearly, you weren’t even there

Now you’re ignoring me

My judgement was so, so off

You’re ignoring me…I mean…I made my bed

I gathered and collected for a nest

I birthed a still born!

I am in shock

And you want me in your life?

I have to live this lie privately and in public, too?

On my socials curating pictures around a life I lost

Choosing words because of our mutuals

You’re watching my stories, keeping tabs

Leaving me on read after years of going to bat

Went from calling me every break to a perpetual break

You’re not happy, I know it and you don’t seem to care how I broke

Just that I remade myself.

Just that I rise again, as I always do

I’m bloodier, I’m shellshocked, I’m confused but I’m more love now

I’m glowing, I’m kinder, I’m stronger

What spellcraft you wonder

And I weave, and follow my dream animal visitations

Into caves of initiation

You missed out big time

And you’re telling me you still want me in your life but you’re not sure how

Maybe I make that clear to you I’m not an option I’m irreplaceable.

[darkobssessionspoetry]

July 15th, 2023

All the lonely people in all the lonely places, at once, together, feeling estranged, feeling an ache they can’t name, maybe numb, maybe in the grips of it. All of us all at once, silently broken or breaking, hurting and needing. This collective untapped potential current for change, we’re here, together, all at once longing, and I want to reach out and touch you. Connect us more tangibly.

[darkobssessionspoetry]

June 20th, 2023

Edit:

I longed for an opening that never came

Or it was fleeting, private, contained

I longed for active reciprocation but you never caved

Remained at arm’s length, words stuck in your brain,

I broke open on your sharp edges again and again

Found myself in parts, speaking, splitting insane

[darkobssessionspoetry]

June 20th, 2023

I longed for an opening that never came.

Or it was fleeting, private, contained.

I longed for an active reciprocation of what our souls do for fun anyway but you never caved,

remained at arm’s length emotionally, words stuck in your brain, choking unintentionally paralysed

I broke open on your sharp edges again and again

Found myself in parts, speaking, splitting insane

And if I had only loved sweeter

And longed for less

We would either be healed

Or happy in hell

I miss you and I want to sweeten your life, and I also want you to speak from the heart

I’m longing and uncontained

You’re drifting and detained

May this longing be my medicine, may you drift until you are free

Free to be you, free to be with you, free as can be, me and you in bodies, brains and spirits

[darkobssessionspoetry]

It is more living now that it is not a given.

A lesson in taking things for granted.

Fixing them in an effort to preserve them, but they lose their wildness, their essence.

Things that are living are not fixed. They ebb and flow. Their beauty is their dance.

We try to capture that and we end up crushing their fragile beauty.

Somehow after everything, there is more gained with what I lost.

More beauty because of pain, shoots because of delving roots.

Even this piece was a living thing a few days ago and because it hurt, I did not verbalise it. And now it evades me.

Only the line ‘it is more living now that it is not given’ remains.

[darkobssessionspoetry]

Somehow it is more living now that it is not a given.

That contradiction hurts my brain. But it is like the image of a green shoot unfurling from the dark earth that popped up in my mind’s eye while I was clutching my body and the blanket on the sinking ship of the bed, feeling the subterranean blackness from whence the root systems propagated that shoot.

I am in my process, and have been in the soil, in the depths for months. That day was the first glimmer of hope that my distant furrowing had struck gold.

We have a tiny green unfurling.

No clue as to what it will become, whether it will weather the storm topsoil. I’m still mostly underground at this point. That little crown is like an antenna, feeling things out.

My mainstem is an underground web, extending miles in the cool dark. I dug deeper and deeper down, anchoring, which I didn’t know then. But because of the shoot, I realise now, I was making way.

Still deepening, but not as urgently. And some days I feel the wind in my singular leaf.

I am making sustenance from sun now. Mostly underground, but making my way up now.

I think the duality of life is that the roots will never become entirely above ground. They will always be there, pulling from the deep, solid in the depths. There will be life above ground but it is because of the underworld.

The shadow work almost hollowed me out, like a baby extracting minerals from his mother’s bones to grow.

Will they survive the ride?

I see green. I see a glimmer of hope. But I duck down to the absence of light again, to rest, just to be sure I am not having visions.

Could it be that one day there will be a whole tree growing on the caverns of despair I frequent?

[darkobssessionspoetry]

Isn’t it strange, isn’t it oh so rare that I found you there? On an island which I last minute decided to go to? Isn’t it a miracle that I met you and knew you and felt you? You were so familiar. Even now, thinking of you. You have a round vibe, a right vibe. A fit in my hand, fit in my heart, fit inside me vibe. When I’m close to that face, when you roll those eyes, when I’m in your embrace, nothing else matters. Isn’t it destiny that we met? Cruel, cruel, destiny that we parted? That you are not currently here? That we are drifting, you are questioning. But questioning what? This is undoubtedly the love of a lifetime. Your soul and mine are so at ease, our bodies love. Our minds buck and fight. We are mirrors. I gave you my pain, you gave me yours. I feel free now. You’re lost. I’m losing you, but my heart is opening to you. How is yours closing? It can’t be closing. You must be ignoring, how could you be anything but longing, deeply, madly for our intertwining? I am lovesick. I’ve heard people describe their loves, but few like this one. Where we are counterparts. Where we reflect the same love back. Where we are made of the same stuff, attracting and repelling. Going back to the drawing board to transmute the push apart, only to be drawn in, closer, more magnificent. I miss our talks. I miss our growth. I miss swimming in our deep waters. I miss your eyes. I miss your laugh. I miss everything about you. I adore you. From the innermost cavern of my being to the farthest reach of the universe. I love you. I guarded myself once against you, steeled myself against the inevitable goodbyes, but now I will be present in the horrific twilight of your impermanence. I will be present for it, I will not flinch, I will take you in, I will be present for it, I will not flinch. I will be in the urgency of the intimate seconds that tick, the eternal love that wore us this time. I love this us, I love you. I won’t believe you are moving on, I won’t believe that. I can’t. I love you, I said, when you moved your hands, your face shone. I love you gobbled out my mouth, my eyes shining with the glare of your recognition. I love you always, I love you purely, I love you madly, I love you torturously. I love you mostly poorly, not fitting of the caliber of the intensity, of the depth of my feeling. I love you selfishly and sloppily and ignorantly, too lightly, much too angrily, I love you ungratefully, I love you without understanding that in a moment you will be gone. I love you harshly. I see you and don’t recognise you, and don’t soften for too long. I love you by being shut off and angry. I love you by showing you wounded me. By running away. By shielding myself from the agony of loving you so strongly. I love you so stupidly, you along with all the moments I miss, goodbyes I do not enunciate, and animals I will never get to hold again. I am a foolish one. I didn’t get enough. I will never get enough. This ache is bigger than the world. I can’t stand that girl that fought with you. I can’t stand that girl that wasted time with you. I didn’t get enough. How can it be over when it is definitely not for me? How can you forgive me when I have been so utterly stupid? I long for you, over and over and over again. Like the shore for the sea. I am not coping. You said, is love enough? No love is not enough, it wasn’t enough to make me bleed into the present moment to moment then. It is now, is it too late?

[darkobssessionspoetry]

June 15th, 2023

The writing is bubbling up inside of me

Like I have suppressed it too long

Now is its time to shine

Just like every other now, fleeting and explosive

Retreats back into confusion and malady

But now I am seamless, spoken

It is strange, because every time I swear I’m going to create systems of consistency

And every time I fade into amnesia

When will I learn

When I keep better records? When I keep better records I look back on

Reuse instead of always create more more more

In the rush I miss the salient themes

Ups and downs

Being seen, diappearing