I'm just gonna go ahead and say this. I have felt this way for so long and so often that I know it's not just my moods playing tricks on me. It’s something I need to get off my chest, perhaps for validation, perhaps so people know I feel this way, perhaps to encourage anyone to challenge my perspective. I don't mean this as any offence to the great people I am friends with, and for the ones I’m very close with, this will come as no shock.
The word ”community” is totally lost on me. To explain this would constitute an entire book, but let's just narrow it down right now: I do a lot of things but I don’t feel like I ‘belong’ anywhere in Chicago socially. I don’t feel appreciated and cherished and part of a community or chosen family in the way I would want to and/or the way I deserve to, based on this idea that ‘community is what holds us together.’ I have put so much energy into encouraging others passions and trying to be a welcome, helpful person, but I don’t get included so often in ‘communities’ I practically feel invisible within them.
I have individual friends who see me and appreciate me, don't get me wrong, that's how I know the difference, but as a member of a “community, ” I don’t feel grounded or safe. I have friends --but I don’t have”family” in this city; I sincerely don't know anyone other than my partner who would rush me to the hospital in an emergency.
I have no problem being alone, in fact, I enjoy it and need it for a certain amount of time. My ability to be happy alone helps me stand in my power in certain ways but it leaves me feeling very mentally, emotionally unstable in others.
There's so much underneath this-- some of it extremely petty drama (my honest to God fault in some cases and in others gossip, people choosing to hold things against me without having healthy, let's-see-both-sides communication w/ me), some of it my own closing people out (often to protect myself), all of it, even the assumptions, pretty clearly products of my mood disorder-- and it doesn’t feel like something that can be fixed necessarily. I put myself out there a lot so it's not for a lack of trying, I just often feel unwanted, sometimes afraid to even show up. I know that some of this is based on extremely childish competitiveness. Otherwise I know it's not because everyone thinks I’m boring. But it might just be that people don't like me as a person, for whatever reasons; either way, isn’t a community bond supposed to transcend this? Or are people that no one likes, understands, or are threatened by just supposed to live their lives alone, outside the margins? Looking in the window? Don’t get me wrong-- I don't want to be in a cult or a clique-- but this doesn't seem very kind or progressive...
I've tried to figure this out. I’ve gone inward, I’ve worked on myself based on others critiques, I've addresses my own ability to be a good friend or an aggressive, annoying asshole, and it seems like nothing is ever good enough for anyone. I am either missing opportunities for great friendships or I am a great friend to the wrong people-- people who don’t love me.
Now I am a very community minded person-- I believe in collaboration and know explicitly I am a good team member-- but I sincerely don’t feel like I am often allowed to be. Being in ‘community’ requires breaking into one, proving oneself, being accepted. How are we supposed to challenge power structures, model the future we want and deserve, if certain types of energetic people with vision aren't even allowed into the hive? I see this happen to other people with similar vibrations as mine.
I know so many people, I love and do so many things, I have a lot of love to give, but I am unable to do this safely and authentically for or in a ‘community.’ So I hide.
Why is this? Am I just a pariah? Is there something inherently divergent about me or is the idea of a healthy ‘community’ something we just can't actually achieve in an ego-driven society? Or do I just belong somewhere else? If so, where?
