i'm listening to Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions. It's complimented by the insane sounds that weep from the radiators. It's February, it's predicted to snow tomorrow and into next week.
at first i'm bummed, i'm craving the sensation of feeling warmth in the air that touches skin. and i want to wear short skirts and no jackets and scarves and frolic around. and i'm anemic. but one of my new years resolutions was to lessen the amount of negative things i say out loud so,
it's nice to experience a proper winter again, if anything it shows me i am more resilient than my brain likes to jump to conclusions of what i am. because i'll still wear the short skirts and go run around on sidewalks despite the air being full of stings. and it'll be fun.
so here's the truth. i've made a mess again.
and there's not much i can do about it besides get up everyday and try to make decisions that will only make me happy. that, and probably think less which feels ????? hard.
one of my dear friends started a substack, and i'm so proud of her. it's a necessary steps that i think is going to benefit her in many ways. and it was truly inspiring for me to read, it made me want to write. but i'm not in the business of stepping on peoples toes, and truthfully, i don't want people i know to read my writing. not because i'm ashamed of it, but because i want to write unabashedly. and if strangers read it that's a delight. but the people who know me, don't have to know that i'm processing my thoughts and emotions out loud. i'm a scorpio moon in the 8th house.
so, the mess.
i became too hedonistic and indulgent with the power that i hold in between my fingertips. i was careless with love.
it started as a way to escape, to not think, to only feel good.
and then the other players were being selfish or quiet with me, so i didn't care about the decadence that i was performing with kissing, cause in a way it only felt fair.
but you only get four months to be insane before it begins to show, and then it'll blow up in your face.
and i slowly began to lose a lot, and now i'm sitting in my living room with 2 candles burning and my cat asleep next to my Schecter guitar attempting to not think as much. mainly because the thinking is truly just ruminating, and the ruminating is me desperately grasping for any resemblance of control when the whole ordeal is most likely unnecessary.
i told myself a couple months ago i can only react to what's in front of me. that was a mantra made out of the selfish and quiet nature of the players. and i find it being nothing but true again. i keep going into the past and weighing myself down about how it's going to fuck up the future. when i don't think any of that's true. or the placebo i'm creating within my head will make it so.
what i know right now is:
don't get people your kissing involved in your art it's messy every time
my internal approval system is skewed, which is making music hard
i have to keep making choices that make me happy, this will force me to be in the present and i did a grand job of doing that today
it's okay i lost everything with my band, this is probably the path. my best friend told me the people who make it are really just the people who keep going
but in order to keep going i have to find it fun, not an obligation. but fun
but to make it fun i feel like i have to have a semblance of an idea that i know what i'm doing more than i do right now. but maybe none of that is true
i absolutely love tiramsu and i think about it everyday
i love this stupid boy, and it scares the fuck out of me. it scares me cause he's good for me. and i already feel like such a fuck up. and why would he want that if i am just havoc and he's an ocean with a steady beat. but. i can only react to what's in front of me. which is sadness in a line in the past. but. that was the past. and we only began in the past month. and within that month i have been nothing but devotional and seen. this is us actually. and that's whats in front of me. he teaches me how to be present, and slower, which makes me think less, which makes me trust myself more. and i know i do something thats his version of this, but my god what a gift that i hope i can give back and take and give and take.
i need to begin to go to bed, and clean my room, and maybe more. i haven't been able to see fully all day but that's because i have my boyfriend whos not my boyfriends contacts in. our prescription is basically the same but it's not. but sue me i'm a romantic and what a pleasure it is to see through his eyes.
i don't think these writings will be coherent. but i'll track my journey of finding the joy within the mass of making and creating art. and of love. cause paul mccartney is right about that. and i am nothing without loving.
02/05/25
