no surprises

darragh 'mac' mcgregor 40, firefighter, manayunk husband to haley

[justanotherrpmeme]

Random Character Development Questions

If they had to pick a single word to describe this year so far, what would it be? Do they have something special that picks them up when they feel down? What is it? What’s the biggest wager they’ve ever made? What is the last thing that they totally overreacted to? What’s their opinion on naps? What do they find they spend a lot of time wondering about? What smell always brings back some type of memory? Do they have a bucket list? What are they currently juggling in their life? How difficult is it for them to try new things? What’s something that they believe that most other people don’t? Where was their secret hiding place as a child? What do they remember most about their first crush? Do they consider telling white lies to be okay? Is there anything that makes them far angrier than it should? What have they been thinking about lately that has kept them up at night? What is something that will instantly annoy them? What’s their plan for surviving a zombie invasion? What do they consider the best decision they’ve made thus far in their life? What’s most important to them about their work environment? What’s something that they never seem to get tired of doing? What’s their “famous person” story?

[hannahashmore]

Haley couldn’t give Darragh what he wanted. She didn’t have the answers. Didn’t have anything left to give and wasn’t prepared to offer any vulnerability in the pursuit of reparation. But, even if she could offer that insight in the sincerest words possible, Haley didn’t. She couldn’t see past the red that was building, her anger at the situation.. Her anger at him reaching a breaking point that couldn’t be quelled. 

“Not fair to you?” Exasperation filled her tone, but the hard edge couldn’t be mistaken as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Not fair,” she nodded, her mouth pressed in a thin line as she stared at him. “You know what’s not fair, Darragh? Barely being able to scrape myself back together after losing our baby and then, when I finally come to surface…” Haley didn’t let herself finish that sentence. She didn’t need to. The break of her voice said it all. “But, yeah. I can see how all of this is unfair to you.” 

Haley turned away from him once more, moving back towards the counter so that she could, at the very least, hide the tears filling her eyes. “Now you want a list of rules to play by?” The laugh that left her was humorless, devoid of all emotion as she looked out the kitchen window. “Listen, I’m sorry that I… initiated something before I was ready. In a moment of weakness… because I miss you. Because, yes, I do miss you. I miss us. I’m just… I can’t keep doing this with you. And I don’t know what that means right now.”

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh could feel his heart beating in his ears, the rush of blood nearly drowning out Haley as she yelled back at him. He stood there, staring at her, nostrils flaring as he tried to control his breathing. They couldn't escape this cycle, and he didn't feel up to having this entire argument all over again. Because nothing was going to change, the outcome wouldn't be affected. And while, until that point, he'd refused to walk away, even when it got difficult, in that moment, he desperately wanted to. To throw up his hands, and call it quits. His hope that they could ever heal this wound had hit its lowest point to date.

"Yeah. I'm sorry too." He replied defeatedly, head shaking as his gaze dropped to his feet. The fervor was gone, the energy to fide dissipating as his head still thrummed rapidly. "That might just be the answer, baby." Darragh's arms folded across his chest, shifting his posture as he trained his gaze continuously on the tile of their kitchen floor, the same tile he'd spent an entire weekend installing with one of his brothers, while Haley had worked and come home to the welcome surprise. He'd practically built the entire home around them as they knew it, the McGregor clan banding together to get it properly livable before a baby arrived.

As he looked around, there were still hints of what their life had been meant to be: the holes in cabinetry where child-proof locks had been hastily removed. The brackets in doorways that had meant to hold gates. The home was a mausoleum to broken dreams, in more ways than one. "I don't think you're ever going to forgive me." Darragh added after a moment of silence. "You don't miss me, Hales. You miss the guy you loved a year ago. The one that didn't hurt you. And he just doesn't exist anymore. And I can't change that."

[thelucaricci]

"Yeah...one of the Spartan ones or something. It's about six of us guys training together. And yes, I'm doing this against my better judgment." It was funny to see the lot of them each a few months to a few years closer to forty trying to get fit and back into their spry and young shape of their twenties. Luca had always had a regular workout regime, but this entire ordeal was on another level all together. Albeit, Luca was actually enjoying himself more than he initially thought. It looked like he was gaining a new row of abs which was a nice touch too.

"Practicing your stripper routine down the fire pole too? And they say you guys are lazy," he joked. How Darragh had the balls to run into a fiery furnace was beyond Luca. He knew he wasn't even close to being that selfish to put his life on the line for a random human being. It was a tough and thankless job. It gave Luca such a huge admiration and respect for his friend. "Ah okay. I'll reach out to her and maybe we can schedule something together down the line." Thanking the barista for his drink, he took a sip before asking his friend another question. "I'm trying to plan a guy's weekend in the Catskills. You interested?"

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh's endurance could likely see him through a triathlon, but he wasn't apt to test it. His body had been through rigorous training over the years to keep up his certifications as a firefighter, a profession he'd been involved in since he'd graduated from high school. In some ways, his body felt it was on top of the world, but at the end of a long day, he felt a decade older than he looked. "Just don't fall on your face. It's your only asset." Darragh joked, a palm coming over to clap Luca on the shoulder.

"We take our charity calendars very seriously." He retorted, rolling his eyes. Before he'd gotten married, Darragh hadn't ever thought twice about entering the blaze. And for a short period of time, he'd lost his edge, anxious that his next fire would be his last, and he'd widow Haley and leave her with a baby to raise on her own. Now, Darragh didn't mind the chaos. It felt more calm than the thoughts and emotions raging war in his body daily. "Guy's weekend... Catskills... I mean, if you're gonna pull my leg." Darragh nodded agreeably with a smile. "I have some PT time saved up. I could probably make it work, yeah." He followed shortly after Luca, grabbing the two coffees he'd ordered. "Anything new in the world of Luca? I swear to god life is so boring these days. Just about any news would thrill me to live vicariously through you." Life wasn't boring, actually. It was in turmoil at that very moment. But he was choosing not to delve at that particular moment.

[madicarlisle-deactivated2023051]

As much as Madi wanted to comfort him, tell him he was wrong - she didn't hate him, and that they could probably work things out. She couldn't. In fact, she probably shouldn't even be sitting here listening to any of what he was telling her - considering she had a hand in wrecking their home. However, there she was, despite the little voice in the back of her head cursing her for her poor life choices. "I can't sit here and pretend to know what to say to make you feel better... Other than I'm sorry." At least for her involvement that was.

Madi gave him a small, toothless smile, before raising her glass to her lips and finishing off the rest of the wine. "Please, it's fine. I'm a good listener. Help's me escape dealing with my own shit." She waved him off, before shaking her head. Madi let out a sigh, before offering him a shrug. "I don't know, Mac. Maybe just get her the space she needs to figure out her next move? What's that saying if you love something let it go, and it'll come back to you - or something." Glancing around the bar, she debated ordering another glass. Thinking for a moment, before turning her attention back to him. "Dean is with my dad tonight. If you want to get out of here? Get some fresh air at least."

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh knew Madi was the last person who was obligated to comfort him. And he knew, more than that, that this just wasn't in her nature. The depth that this sort of conversation required... Madi hadn't wanted to sign up for the complications that marriage and a family brought. And she'd had some foresight in knowing that about herself. "I know." He nodded, a dismissive hand waving. "That's not your job."

His head tilted as he looked at Madi, mulling her offer. No one was going to miss him at home — Haley did her level best to avoid him at all costs. So what did it matter, and to whom, how late he stayed out with Madi? It was as close to normal as he could muster himself to feel. And though it was perhaps both foolish and self-aggrandizing, Darragh yearned to feel like a man again. He was so tired of feeling small. Of begging for forgiveness that wouldn't come. Between he and Madi, there didn't have to exist all of that pretense and drama. They could just... Be. No baggage. "Yeah, I do." Darragh nodded agreeably. "We can stay out all night, if you want. And then go get some sloppy cheesesteaks at two o'clock in the morning. Or, you know. Whatever." He fished out his wallet, setting cash down on the bar.

[darragh-mcgregor]

featuring @frankiescarlisle & @haleymcgregor

[hannahashmore]

Haley could feel his gaze burning upon her, but she couldn't bring herself to meet his stare. The hurt that she knew she would see, that would be reflected in her own dark hues. So, she turned away from him completely. Her hands braced against the kitchen counter as her head hung low, as she took in the verbal onslaught. What could she even say? He was right.

"You don't know how much I wish it could be that easy, ok? But it's not," her voice was hard as she pushed off the counter, spinning to finally face him, "I know it must be such a hard concept for you to grasp, but a quick fuck in the cab of your truck isn't a cure-all." She knew her words were harsh, unnecessarily cruel even, but Haley felt cornered and overwhelmed, and perhaps more than anything else, guilty. Like she had completely disregarded any consideration for how that night would leave Darragh. Which, she couldn't deny. Because Haley hadn't cared about the consequences then, but they were knocking now.

"I don't know! I don't. I want us to not be these people. I want you to have kept your vows. I want to not have to hide in my own home because I don't know whether I want you here, but I'm sure I don't want you anywhere else. Can you just stop and think about how I feel, Darragh? For one second, put yourself in my shoes. What would you be doing right now!?" Her voice had grown louder and louder until Haley realized she'd practically been shouting, and she hated it. Hated the person she was becoming in this.

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh couldn't settle on a posture, shifting from folded arms to his hands planting on his hips, his exasperation obvious. While he knew ultimately he couldn't fault Haley for her lack of consideration, it hurt all the same. Their position was so precarious, and this felt like a dangerous setback. And Darragh's hurt stemmed from his fear — the terror that this is how it was all going to end, and there was nothing he could do to prevent it.

"Oh, nice. Is that what I am to you now? A quick fuck? That's really classy, Haley. Fantastic." They hadn't argued before, the silence and the hurt had existed between them and left no space. But now, now something had been released, leaving enough space for whatever this was. The anger, the resentment. Darragh let out a fake laugh, head shaking as he moved to pace, his heart racing at what felt like a million beats per minute.

"No, Haley, I don't understand! I told you, I told you —" His words were quick, fueled by the cortisol spike to his system. "I don't know why you're still here. I don't know why you still want me, even though it seems like you don't, I don't understand!" He finally stopped pacing, his body half turned away from hers. "But it's not fair to me, to be in one day and out the next. Do you want me, Haley? Because whatever this is, the way we've been existing here, it's not exactly keeping me, either. I've been on the ropes for months now, waiting for you to decide whether or not you can still love me, and I don't think we can keep doing this. You have to decide. You just have to. I can't, I can't —" His palm clutched his chest, knowing that the feeling as though he couldn't catch his breath wasn't altogether unfamiliar, but he didn't want to appear weak, not now. "I can't do this until the end of time. You have to figure it out. How am I supposed to be your husband when I'm not even allowed to touch you, Haley? Tell me how I'm supposed to behave, what the rules of engagement are. Just tell me!"

[hannahashmore]

Haley realized it was exactly as she had feared as Darragh approached. The intimacy, the shared space. She wasn't ready for it, didn't want it. And she also knew that she had put them in this predicament. She had further muddied already polluted waters. Yet, despite those feelings, she still wasn't prepared for the tension that slammed into her body as though the brush of his lips had delivered it straight to her muscles. She flinched away from his touch— flinched, stepping out of the hands that framed her hips.

She wished it could be easy, that they could slip back into the version of themselves that existed so many months ago. That she could ask about his night, knowing by smell alone that he had dealt with a fire, and tell him she was happy he made it home safely to her. But, that felt like an impossibility at this point. "Don't do that." It was exasperation that filled her voice as she moved past him, desperate for space. She couldn't meet his gaze, so instead, she looked out the window above the sink, her teeth pressing against her bottom lip as the pair stood in silence.

"I— I'm sorry. I know that isn't fair. I just—" The breath she took didn't feel deep enough, but she sighed it out anyway. "The other night— Darragh, that shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have, we shouldn't have..."

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh wasn't awake enough before she had flinched at his touch, but the shock to his system was more potent than a double espresso as she practically flew away from him. He paused in the space she'd left him in, stunned by the response. His brow knit together, staring down at the empty space she'd left as she spoke. "Oh." Darragh was startled, like a deer in headlights as his gaze naturally settled on Haley, knowing she was avoiding meeting it.

"No, I'm sorry." He offered, anxiety prickling like an unwieldy axe hovering over his head. Darragh felt foolish, embarrassed by the rejection that was smarting like a veritable slap across the face. There might have been more apologies pouring fourth, until Haley made clear that the other night was a mistake. His brow knit further, as he felt the wound of rejection deepen.

"I guess I got things confused. When my wife is practically throwing herself at me one minute, and is repulsed by my touch the next, it's hard to keep track of what you want from me." Darragh folded his arms across his chest, as if to signify he was no longer open, but entirely closed off. "I mean, you couldn't even wait to get into the house, but now I'm not supposed to touch you? I don't — I don't understand what you want from me, Haley."

[hannahashmore]

closed start for @darragh-mcgregor

Haley had been laying in bed, wide awake, for nearly thirty minutes listening for any sign her husband was still in the house. Because, naturally, she had taken to avoiding him after... the incident in his truck. In their yard, like two teenagers who couldn't keep their hands off one another. Haley groaned. What had she been thinking? She knew the answer was simply that she hadn't been thinking at all. And now... Now she had no clue how to face him.

When she was finally convinced that he was either still sleeping or had already left for work, she pulled herself out of bed and readied herself for the day, eventually padding into the kitchen. The lack of coffee should have tipped her off. Despite the distance between them, Darragh had taken to making sure she at least had that. She wondered if it was his way of trying to take care of her when she had so fully shut him out. But, nevertheless, the fact that the pot sat empty now was a sure sign that he was still there.

She had to be quick then. But, of course, the coffee maker didn't want to cooperate and she was standing there in the kitchen, smacking her palm against the side of the machine when he walked in. "Morning," Haley said softly without fully turning to look at him, as she ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "Looks like it finally gave out."

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh had been on call the night prior, and while he usually wasn't called in, a five alarm fire had dragged him out of bed and into work. It was a grueling set of hours, and he'd only crawled into bed before the sun was rising overhead. Even after a shower, he knew he still smelled of soot, and would likely still be brushing it out of his hair or out from under his nails for the next few days.

He had been dead asleep until noise in the kitchen stirred him, sending Darragh sitting up and blinking away the sleep. What time was it? He squinted over at the alarm. He'd forgotten to set another alarm, and seemingly, Haley had gone looking for coffee that wasn't there. Grabbing a shirt from the dresser, Darragh tossed it on and wandered out, barefoot against the hardwood as he found his way into the kitchen.

"Morning," Darragh offered, meandering over towards where Haley was. "Oh, I'm sure." His voice was heavy with sleep, exhaustion still weighing heavy on his bones. He'd had more of a nap, than anything. "I can run out and grab something." Darragh offered, his hands drifting mindlessly towards Haley's hips, bearded lips brushing against her shoulder in an almost mindless gesture.

Haley couldn’t remember the last time she kissed her husband. Sometime before everything fell apart, when she couldn’t have pictured a day going by devoid of the passion and intimacy they had once shared. Kissing him now… her senses were on fire. The rough pads of his fingers against her skin. Her own hands moving up until they could messily push through the hair at the nape of his neck. Lips crashing into his with a ferocity she couldn’t leash. She needed him.

Because it almost felt as though they were them in that moment… Like if she kept her eyes closed for a little longer she could pretend away every tragedy and transgression and they could be the happy, newlywed couple once again. Haley didn’t want it to end. Not yet.

So, when Darragh broke their kiss with his sensibility and reason, Haley didn’t want to hear it. She was terrified that opening the truck doors meant inviting reality back in and she wasn’t ready for that. Not for the house that had ceased being a home, that carried all the reminders of what they could have been and weren’t. She knew what waiting for them inside that house and… no. “Darragh,” she answered, breathlessly trying to calm herself as she looked up at him. “Shut up.” Her fingers found the buttons of his uniform shirt then, undoing the first one, her breath unsteady as she held his gaze. “Please just shut up.” And then, she pressed her lips against his jaw. One kiss, and then two before bringing her mouth back to his, softer this time but still as sure, and as insistent as ever.

[darragh-mcgregor]

It felt, easy to mistake her needing this with needing him, and Darragh was on the precipice of being convinced that this was a step forward, in some way. That surely, after months of not so much as grazing one another in passing, that the unbridled passion unfurling between them was something. And as they further entangled themselves, he was so close, foolishly, to believing that this was more.

Until his suggestion was brushed off, as her fingers found his uniform with renewed urgency, and Darragh snapped out of the romantic fantasy and back into reality. This was different, it was hunger. He remembered this, the impatience, the impracticality of desire. Darragh wouldn't be carrying her back to their bed, ending the practice of her spending every night in their guest bedroom. The purgatory wasn't over. But passion still remained, and he wouldn't refuse Haley, because he wanted this just as much.

END.

[madicarlisle-deactivated2023051]

Madi gave him a small sympathetic smile. How ironic. She had the one thing that he had always wanted? She never asked him about what had happened between him and his wife. It was something he shared when he felt like it, and if she were being honest - if she didn't ask, perhaps she would feel less guilty. It was a mistake they had made that only led to consequences and regrettable actions, and yet - here Madi was, almost willing to make the same mistake yet again.

"It'll happen." She told him, her tone much softer than moments before. "When the cards are right." Madison wasn't sure if that was something she actually believed in, but anything to make him feel better. "You will be the best dad, Mac." Her gaze searched his, before letting a hand fall on his upper arm. "It's one of those things that just happens when the time is right. With the right person." Dom had not been the right person for her. Though, she hadn't been looking for a chance to get pregnant. It happened after a sloppy one-night stand, and now she was a single mother with a four-year-old, and she was doing her best to keep her head above water. Not that she didn't love her son. It was just something she hadn't prepared for because she never wanted to be a mother.

[darragh-mcgregor]

Madi was the last person Darragh should be looking to for comfort or reason, but here, with her, he did feel comfortable. There was no judgement between them, no shred of ill-will. They'd done something together that had cleared the space of any potential judgement, after all. "My wife hates me, Madi. And she should." If there was one thing Darragh was certain of, it was that his marriage was crumbling right before his very eyes. "I spend every day trying to pretend like everything is normal, and fine, but we don't talk to each other, we hardly even exist in the same home." It wasn't like this, with Haley. They couldn't laugh together, couldn't smile at one another. The space between there was clouded with hurt and grief and betrayal.

"I was building a life with someone, building a family, and I destroyed it." Destroyed it with the woman sitting right in front of him. "And here I am, sitting with you." Darragh let out a soft, pitiful laugh. "So I guess I didn't deserve any of it, to begin with." His gaze lowered to his hands, watching as it grasped his drink, guiding it to his lips for a healthy guzzle. "The time was right, and I have the right person. But I'll never have that shot again." It felt inevitable, with each passing day. Haley would leave, or ask him to. And he'd honor whatever choice she made, because she deserved to be respected. "I didn't mean to come here and have a pity party. I guess, I just..." Darragh shrugged his shoulders. "You're the only person I want to talk to, lately."

[thelucaricci]

The last person he thought he’d run into was his good friend Darragh this early in the morning. Luca and four other guys were training for an Ironman for Connor’s 40th birthday. His wife told him she needed to shape up a bit and somehow Luca got dragged into the process too. The event wasn’t until July, but they were hitting the gym early at the crack ass of dawn to get their daily hours in. Plus, it was easier to be motivated when you were relying on four other people to power through with you. As he was grabbing sugar for his coffee, he had to do a double take, before smiling at the man and giving them a quick fist bump. How they were even still on their own two feet at this hour of the day was always impressive. “I am a good friend and am training for a triathlon. Don’t ask me too much about it or I may just cry.” It was the second week in and Luca was happy to just roll out of bed despite how much his body and joints hurt with each micro movement. 

“How’ve you been man? Sorry I’ve been MIA. Was out of town the last two weekends for weddings and shit.” It was a fun time to see all those he mentored throughout his career take these big leaps and jumps in their future. Luca was just truly honored to even be considered someone important enough to be invited to these soirees. “How’s Hales? We should do dinner together sometime soon.”

[darragh-mcgregor]

There were few relationships in Darragh's life that he felt were stable at that time, and the least of which would have been a relative of his wife's, but, Luca's reaction unnerved Darragh, as he'd expected something wholly different. "Triathlon?" Darragh whistled out a low tune. "I think my brothers and I once, and very hungover, tried to run the marathon here. I'm not sure how far I made it." He could feel his anxiety ebbing from his body as it was clear that either Luca didn't know, or, perhaps, didn't think it was his business. It was a marked difference from his sister, certainly.

"Oh, you know. Keeping busy. Cat gets stuck in a tree, grandma needs help crossing the road. You know, I'm there." Darragh joked. "— Sure. Yeah." Darragh and Haley weren't even having dinner together, so Darragh wouldn't hazard to guess how mentioning the invitation would go over. They didn't talk, didn't even discuss the fact that they existed around one another in the same home. He knew she wouldn't put on a brave face, and he didn't expect her to. "Haley is working nights nowadays, actually." He suggested, squinting ever so slightly as he did. "You might be able to track her down for a late lunch, or something."

[hannahashmore]

It should have been sooner, but sitting there in the truck Haley finally came to the realization that Darragh was just as broken as she was. That the past year had left them both hurting and lost and a little worse for wear. If she had only looked closer, she might have noticed it before. But, Haley hadn’t bothered. Because it was she who had been wronged and she who was grieving and she who had settled into a diminished version of herself.

Haley didn’t want to take any responsibility for the status of their marriage, how it felt like it was surviving on life support. Just waiting for one of them to pull the plug. But, understood she wasn’t faultless. Even if Darragh’s actions, the culmination of the mounting fractures, were inexcusable. It was complicated— this feeling of selfishness that lived alongside the burning anguish of betrayal. This desire to offer forgiveness but being unable to. “No,” she said, her voice muffled against his uniform. “No, you hadn’t.” Not then.

There wasn’t a single way he had failed her until his infidelity. Not financially, not in status, not in love. They had been happy. And though they came from different worlds, Haley proudly married him. Her mother’s concerns, her father’s condescension… All the remarks and warnings had rolled off her back with ease. Because Darragh was a good man. The best man. And she wanted him.

Maybe it was foolish. Maybe she was planting seeds of hope in infertile soil. But, her mind was muddled and messy and she just wanted to… forget about it all. Find comfort in the person who was supposed to be hers. Pretend for a second that they could still… just be. Haley lifted her head from Darragh’s chest. But, rather than pull away, she pressed her lips against his, a hesitancy there she’d never needed. But… the familiarity of him came back in relentless tidal waves. Her heart stuttered and her hands shook as she draped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, the need in her evidence as her lips crashed against his once more.

[darragh-mcgregor]

When Darragh had met Haley, it had only been at the insistent of his best friend and her cousin, that even if their own marriage was falling apart, that Haley and Darragh should meet. He loathed set-ups, and at the time, questioned how long until Willa and Frankie would file for divorce. But, after one meeting, he'd been smitten. Smitten. He was practically in love from the first second. And like two fools in love, they'd gotten careless. But they were older, old enough that a surprise pregnancy wouldn't be the reckoning it might have been in their 20s. Darragh had been so confident that it was all meant to be, fated, written in the stars. He'd felt an unwavering confidence in those first few months, from their wedding day at city hall, to the first few appointments with the OB/GYN. It was like a modern day fairy tale, or at least it felt that way.

The insecurities that had gnawed at Darragh over the years had dissipated in Haley's presence, he'd felt for the first time like he'd been wholly reborn, and finally felt as though he truly fit into his family. He was the youngest, the baby, the late bloomer. He was a husband, a provider, soon-to-be father. His destiny felt upon him, and simultaneously fulfilled. It was a heady feeling, intense. But that was love — and he'd been so terribly in love with Haley, so completely mad for her. He still was, but that passion had been largely repressed by shame and guilt.

Darragh's racing thoughts stilled as Haley began to pull back. He felt her absence from his chest like an aching wound, his gaze meeting hers, that brief pause before she was leaning in, stunning him with a kiss. He didn't react for a moment, feeling her lips searching against his, seeking his, seeking him. Darragh was shifting before he'd reconciled that this was all real, that it was all occurring in the present. Hands that found their way beneath her coat, fingers that drifted beneath her scrub top, relishing the warmth of her skin against his. Lips that mashed against hers hungrily, desperate to belong to her again. He could feel himself getting carried away, the truck still idling in their driveway. "Hales — Haley." He murmured breathlessly against her lips, simultaneously trying to catch his breath, steady himself. "We should go inside." Darragh suggested, voice husky and low as he looked down at her.

[darragh-mcgregor]

CLOSED START FOR: @lucaxricci LOCATION: pilgrim roasters, manayunk

Darragh didn't typically order his coffee out. He brewed a batch in the morning, early enough that Haley could have some before her shift started, depending what schedule she worked. Or, there was always coffee for him at the firehouse. He wasn't one for frivolities like this, particularly because in his mind, it was an unnecessary splurge. Only, their coffee pot was on the fritz, and Darragh had had a particularly late night, so he'd decided that just this once, he'd treat himself to a cup.

He was just coming off of a night shift, but he had a few things to get done that morning before he let himself sleep for a few hours. Namely, grab a coffee for Haley as well, because he felt as though it was his chore, or at least, something he did for her, that he enjoyed. After ordering, Darragh moved towards the pick-up, hands shoved into the pockets of his Carhartt. The city was fluctuating in the mid-30s, which meant the thick jacket was more than welcome to ward off the chill. Sheer boredom brought him to look up, analyzing the other coffee drinkers waiting for their buzz, until exhausted eyes landed on a familiar face, though it didn't necessarily fill Darragh with excitement. He'd just been berated by the man's sister, after all. More fuss was the last thing that Darragh really wanted. A nod in Luca's direction would initate the interaction, as he wasn't going to ignore Haley's cousin, or his friend. "Hey, man." He offered with a smile. "What brings you out our way this early?"

In all the ways Haley knew she had failed, it was apparent that she could add one more example to the list in that she hadn’t made her husband feel as though he were enough. As though the only thing he could offer was a baby. And while conceiving had been a happy accident, Haley would have married Darragh without a pregnancy charting their course. She wished she had. Maybe then he wouldn’t be able to question his worth, or what he meant to her. Maybe then he would have laughed at her parents’ outlandish offer and come home to her instead of… 

She was tired of thinking about it. Of tracing the strings back to find the catalyst. Of trying to find somewhere to pile the blame so that she didn’t feel so foolish. So that she didn’t feel inferior to a faceless woman. So that she could find a way forward. 

Under different circumstances, this conversation would have been filled with assurances. Of reminders that it was the two of them against the world and that as long as he was in this, so was she. But, those words were heavy in the back of her throat now. She knew them. Felt them. Believed them still, but they were hard to trust. That was one of the worst parts about it all. That Darragh had robbed her of her ability to trust herself, or her own emotions. She wanted to cling to her anger. It was easier than this… this weight that had evolved into pity and sorrow that only left her sad for them both. 

And despite him thinking otherwise, Haley loved him. But, she couldn’t say that now. So, she was left with no other choice than to let his statement settle between them as truth. I know you don’t love me anymore. 

“I’m a big girl, Darragh. If I wanted to leave I would have left. You didn’t need to make it easy for me. You didn’t need to hurt me.” And that’s what it all came down to, wasn’t it? He had hurt her. Irrevocably. To know that her parents had been shadowed accomplices in her heartbreak was salt to the wound. To know that their actions had influenced Darragh was enough for her to nearly demand they drive straight to their house. But, Haley didn’t want to see them. Didn’t want anything to do with them. Damn sure didn’t want to admit that though they hadn’t achieved their goal, they had aided in that fatal blow. “Do you really think that?” she asked as they pulled into the dark drive of their yard. She wasn’t ready to meet the silence they carried within their home. “That I care about how much money you make? That you failed us? Failed me?” It was her turn to question how Darragh perceived her. 

In the end, it was those last few sentences that broke her. That had her moving across the seat of the cab, tears trailing down her face in tracks that matched his. Because she didn’t know how to stop it from happening either. She still didn’t have words for him. Nothing fit. Nothing fixed. But, she wrapped her arms around him anyway, allowing herself to cry into his chest for the first time.

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh's definition of what a man was was narrowed by the impression left upon him by his father and brothers. He was supposed to be a protector, a provider, the head of his own family. But unlike the men in his family, Darragh shied from attention, preferred to be on his own, and certainly hadn't been equipped in any sense to care for a family. He earned enough money to keep himself comfortable, but those dollars dwindled as car payments and mortgage payments came into question, when there were healthcare premiums to pay for and cell phone bills and the electricity. The financial pressure mounted with the prospect of a baby, and the anxiety of being responsible for another life was laid heavy on Darragh's chest at night, keeping him from sleep. But as he looked at Haley sleeping beside him those months ago, when their dreams and futures had seemed bright and full of possibility, he'd felt calmer.

He wasn't alone, he reminded himself. Everyone worried about money. There would never be enough of it. But they would be happy. She loves you, he'd repeat to himself, a pleasing mantra to fall asleep to, more effective than counting sheep.

But now as they sat beside one another, and Haley didn't correct him, Darragh's heart seized, convinced then that he was right, that she didn't love him. "I — I don't know." He answered honestly. "Not that you thought that of me, but... Maybe everyone else did. Does." The off-hand remarks from his siblings about Haley's repetitive absence from Sunday get-togethers, the not so subtle digs at the status of his marriage. Suggestions to just get back at it, just make another baby. After a certain amount of time, Darragh had become numb, sitting through the afternoon and evening with a beer constantly in hand, gaze burning into the television as whatever game of the night carried on. "But didn't I? Didn't I fail?" He asked, seriously, desperately. Because he was convinced of that, deep in his bones. Somehow, in someway, what they'd lost had to be his responsibility. He bore some culpability, surely. Why else would it have happened?

As they arrived in the driveway, Darragh wondered how long they'd go without really speaking again, existing in their home without really existing at all, like specters, haunting the boundaries of a place that had once been filled with such potential, and love and hope. As Haley's around wrapped around him, as her smaller figure pressed into his torso and her tears began to soak his uniform, the wind was practically knocked from Darragh's lungs. How long had it been since they'd touched? Months, and months. His arms still instinctively wrapped around her, holding her tightly and fiercely against him. "I'll never let go again, Hales. Not unless you ask me to." He murmured into her hair, his face burrowing into the crook of her shoulder and neck, relishing in the sensation of her body against his.

Did Haley actually want out? Looking at him now, the passing streetlights illuminating his tear-stained cheeks in momentary flashes, she didn’t have an answer for him. And he knew it.  But what she did know was that she was embarrassed to be the wife that stayed. The wife who knew her husband had stepped outside of their marriage and naively believed that he wouldn’t do it again. Because isn’t that the way it went? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… 

Haley didn’t want to be the fool. 

She thought of Willa then. Willa had done the hard thing and walked away from the man she loved when his infidelity came to light. Haley wasn’t sure she possessed the same strength. Because beneath the hurt and sting of betrayal, Darragh had become essential. He had burrowed himself so deep in her heart that it would take a lifetime to scrape out all the places he inhabited. And that was an entirely different hurt she wasn’t yet prepared to face. It left them suspended and time kept moving past them, relentless. 

She felt the wet of tears upon her own cheeks, the storm finally coming for them both. She wished she could say she believed he was here for them. That he did love her as much as he said. But, she… didn’t. How could he love her in that way when she hadn’t been enough for him? “I don’t know!” she snapped back, her nails biting into the flesh of her palm as she curled her fingers inward. “I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re doing here anymore because I don’t know how you could do that and still… say you love me.” Silence met them, but only for a few moments. “Is that what love is to you?” 

She couldn’t acknowledge the miscarriage. Not like this. Not when it felt almost too easy to place the blame for every failing upon their unborn baby’s shoulders. Not when she knew Darragh was right. It was them— the way they loved each other. And they did love each other. She knew that almost intrinsically. But, the question wasn’t whether or not they had loved each other. But, when that love had changed. And what it looked like now. It was unrecognizable. Bruised. Beaten. A version that had lost its luster and was better suited for the shadows. That perfect, shiny version haunted her now.  For a few long moments, she was speechless. Delicate fingers moved to wipe at her cheeks as Haley thought about Darragh’s words. “An annulment? A lump sum… to free me?“ She was aware she was simply repeating everything back to him, but it wasn’t something she could easily wrap her head around. “When did they say this to you? Darragh,” she said, exasperated, “I never— I would never say something like that.” The anger she felt with her parents grew hot and fast. Because Haley knew them and she knew this was exactly the type of scheming they would do. “I married you because… Because you made me feel alive. Like myself when all everyone wanted me to be was this cookie-cutter version who existed to please them. Because I love you so much I don’t know what to do with myself. Not then, not now. I don’t know what to do anymore, Darragh. But, I’ve never felt trapped by you. You have to know that.”

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh wished for the impossible — that Haley could see it all through his eyes, that he would never stray again, never consider the concept. That what had happened back been spurred by shame and fear and self-loathing, and it would be his deepest and greatest regret. That he would never squander the opportunity to save their marriage, if she gave him the chance. Only, as he looked at her, Darragh knew that the hope was fleeting, the door was closing, and the light was fading.

If there was a chance, it didn't seem apparent to him.

"I — I don't know, Haley!" He shouted back, exasperated, panicked. "I thought that I knew what love was. I thought I knew better. I thought I was a better person, a better man. I — I didn't go looking for it. It wasn't —" It wasn't love, it was just sex. It was flagellation of the highest order, to make himself into the unrecognizable, to carry the weight of shame and guilt, to force himself to suffer. Because he needed to feel pain, needed to hurt, needed to lose everything. Needed to lose Haley. Because she hadn't wanted him anymore, or so he'd been told. Because he hadn't ever been enough, as he'd always feared. And after losing the baby, he never could be. "No, that's not what I think love is." He replied sorrowfully, bitterly.

"That's what they said." Darragh replied, the words her parents had chosen were so carefully etched into his mind, forceful and painful. "When do you think? When do you think I found out, and when do you think I betrayed our marriage? What do you think the timeline was?" He questioned rhetorically, still sounding entirely mournful. "I thought if you wanted to leave, then I should just make it easy for you, Haley. And I thought it would hurt me less. If I did that, and you left me, then at least I could say it was just because I cheated, and not because I've been a complete failure of a husband in every other way. That I couldn't hold us together. That I couldn't give you the family that you wanted. Because God knows I don't make enough money, and I don't have enough time, and I'm just not good enough, so what else did I have to give, besides a baby? Why would you still love me? I didn't know, Haley. I didn't know, I just know that I hated myself so much. I still do. I can't — I just can't imagine, how you can even still look at me. How you can even still be in that house with me. Because I know, Haley. I know you don't love me anymore. And I understand. I earned that. I earned losing that. It's my fault. I — I know that I did this to us." The tears found familiar tracks on his cheeks, falling silently.

"I just can't stand the idea of being with you, Hales. I can't. It keeps me up at night, it nags me all day. But I have no idea how to stop it from happening, either. And I guess that's the point."

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh wished for the impossible — that Haley could see it all through his eyes, that he would never stray again, never consider the concept. That what had happened back been spurred by shame and fear and self-loathing, and it would be his deepest and greatest regret. That he would never squander the opportunity to save their marriage, if she gave him the chance. Only, as he looked at her, Darragh knew that the hope was fleeting, the door was closing, and the light was fading.

If there was a chance, it didn't seem apparent to him.

"I — I don't know, Haley!" He shouted back, exasperated, panicked. "I thought that I knew what love was. I thought I knew better. I thought I was a better person, a better man. I — I didn't go looking for it. It wasn't —" It wasn't love, it was just sex. It was flagellation of the highest order, to make himself into the unrecognizable, to carry the weight of shame and guilt, to force himself to suffer. Because he needed to feel pain, needed to hurt, needed to lose everything. Needed to lose Haley. Because she hadn't wanted him anymore, or so he'd been told. Because he hadn't ever been enough, as he'd always feared. And after losing the baby, he never could be. "No, that's not what I think love is." He replied sorrowfully, bitterly.

"That's what they said." Darragh replied, the words her parents had chosen were so carefully etched into his mind, forceful and painful. "When do you think? When do you think I found out, and when do you think I betrayed our marriage? What do you think the timeline was?" He questioned rhetorically, still sounding entirely mournful. "I thought if you wanted to leave, then I should just make it easy for you, Haley. And I thought it would hurt me less. If I did that, and you left me, then at least I could say it was just because I cheated, and not because I've been a complete failure of a husband in every other way. That I couldn't hold us together. That I couldn't give you the family that you wanted. Because God knows I don't make enough money, and I don't have enough time, and I'm just not good enough, so what else did I have to give, besides a baby? Why would you still love me? I didn't know, Haley. I didn't know, I just know that I hated myself so much. I still do. I can't — I just can't imagine, how you can even still look at me. How you can even still be in that house with me. Because I know, Haley. I know you don't love me anymore. And I understand. I earned that. I earned losing that. It's my fault. I — I know that I did this to us." The tears found familiar tracks on his cheeks, falling silently.

"I just can't stand the idea of being without you, Hales. I can't. It keeps me up at night, it nags me all day. But I have no idea how to stop it from happening, either. And I guess that's the point."

[sandybarber]

CHRIS EVANS as Andy Barber in DEFENDING JACOB (2020)

[hannahashmore]

His declaration did little to settle her turmoil. It strengthened it instead, creating a new monster that was still built upon her fears and doubts and worries, but also invited hope and yearning. If she wasn’t careful, Haley knew she would be buried under all the weight of it. Darragh’s words didn’t align with his actions, though, and while Haley wanted nothing more than to believe him, she didn’t. She couldn’t. Still, she answered in the only way she knew how. “It absolutely is up to you— Whether or not you want to end things,” Haley affirmed, teeth pressing into her lower lip for a moment before continuing. “Only one person needs to walk away for a marriage to be over. It takes both people to decide to stay. To want to make it work.” She had held resolutely in the undecided.

Darragh’s next words only served to set her further on edge, her eyes locked upon him as she slowly digested each sentence. She knew his family dynamic. The way faith played its part. And she had found the commitment within— the idea that you didn’t give up; you didn’t walk away— a romantic notion. One she had clung to back when their current situation seemed impossible. Now, Haley was struck by the idea that his only motivation for choosing to fight for their marriage was because of that faith. Because of his family and what they would think of him. “You can’t.. divorce?” she questioned, finishing for him. “Because you actually want this? Because you love me? Or because you’re worried about how your parents will react?”

Of course, when Haley brought the McGregors into the conversation, she hadn’t fully anticipated her own parents making an appearance. That didn’t mean she was surprised. Not in the slightest. Her parents had never liked Darragh. Had never welcomed him or his presence in their daughter’s life. But, it all felt disjointed and Haley didn’t fully understand what her husband was trying to tell her. The implication was there. Her parents had obviously said something to him, but this felt…. bigger than that. “Or maybe you should just tell me,” she demanded.

It was obvious, now more than ever, that her marriage lived upon a hill of lies and secrets and Haley was so tired of wondering when the earth beneath her feet was going to give out. How many cracks before it opened up and swallowed her whole? “What did they say to you, Darragh?”

[darragh-mcgregor]

Darragh huffed out a sigh. "No, it's not up to me. Because I don't want out. I don't want to leave. So it's up to you, Haley. Because if you don't want to make this work, if you don't want to be with me, then I can't — I can't do anything about that. I can't stay in if you're out, and I know you don't know — I understand, that you don't know." He would stay, would put up with whatever purgatory, whatever punishment, even if the end was inevitable. Because he couldn't bring himself to abandon ship, or expedite this slow death. Because, ultimately, Darragh loved Haley in a way that consumed him, and he would be eaten alive by this love like carrion to a corpse before he turned away from it a second time.

He squinted, looking at Haley, wondering how she could wonder why he'd want to stay. It certainly wasn't duty. Padraig has survived his divorce, even if he'd fallen from favor for a while with the family. Ultimately, he knew that if he and Haley couldn't fix their marriage, that his family would figure out how to reconcile the bifurcation from their faith and the tenants that drove them day by day. "I love you more than I love myself, Haley. I literally don't know what my life would be, if it wasn't one spent with you. I can't see beyond this, okay? I literally cannot see beyond this love. I can't — I can't —" He shook his head, exasperated. "What do you think I'm still doing here? Do you think it's because I love you, and I want to fix this, or do you think it's out of duty? What's your impression of me?" Darragh was desperate to know, truly. "I don't even have my faith anymore, Haley. I lost that when..." He shrugged uselessly. "I was taught that God was supposed to be at the center of my marriage. But even when I still had my faith, I didn't feel like that was right, like that was fact. Because the center of our marriage was our love. And the love that — the love that made —" A baby. He couldn't say it. There were so many words, seemingly, he couldn't force out.

"I know you think that you want to know, but I promise you, you don't." But then, ultimately, it wasn't for him to decide whether or not she wanted to know. And he couldn't stand the prospect of another secret, another transgression that would crack the frame further. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe, in whatever way, they were just trying to do right by you." Darragh's jaw clenched, the hurt still so raw, the pain still like it had been inflicted only seconds prior. And it radiated off of him, the tension. "Your parents came to me and asked me to grant an annulment. They said I should be fine with that, because Catholics get annulments all of the time, so I could weather it. And if I agreed to an annulment, they'd pay me a lump sum to free you." Darragh's gaze shifted to the hood of the car, desperate to keep his cool, despite the heat that felt like it was rising from his chest to his head. The shame, and the embarrassment that he still felt from the encounter was obvious. "I didn't think that you were trapped. But they told me you felt like you couldn't tell me — that you wanted out, and you'd told them, but you couldn't figure out how to tell me. And I know it makes me a fool, but in that moment I believed them." He brought his head to his hands as they rested on the steering wheel, his forehead pressing against his knuckles as he rested there for a few seconds, contemplating his next words. "And I guess what makes me a real son of a bitch is that even though I believed them, I refused to let you go. So what does that say about me?"