G.radually O.vercoming O.bstacles D.aily

@darvermilyea-blog

CVID won't keep me down! But I may need a nap

35 posts

Broken

Going through an emotional time right now. Why would anyone feel sad that they let their parents down when they have been gone for years? Maybe its because not only are dreams (instilled in me) are ending but childhood memories are being sold. I need to make some new dreams of my own and maybe I will some day but right now as a beautiful piece of riverfront property, the land I grew up on, forest I tromped in, the river I swam in, learned to fish in, raised & released salmon in, the mountain that echoed me as I sang at the top of my lungs...soon will belong to someone else. I hope they love it as much as I do. Funny how they say money can’t buy happiness, what they don’t tell you is poverty makes you downright miserable, anxiety, stress, tears, Broken! I've been struggling with health insurance/pharmacies/doctors and have been without my CVID medication for almost a month, besides being an emotional wreck I am physically and financially sick. My medication finally arrived today and instead of being ecstatic I was thinking I am so tired of fighting just to wake up and go to work. I am Broken, but not quite defeated. I will take my medicine, go to work, sell the property, do what needs to be done because I am not a quitter and my mom and dad would be happy about that...but I am still Broken

These are the lyrics I wrote for the Hallelujah song for my CVID friends out there-can’t sing it right now because I am sick…

You’re told you have a rare disease The shortened version is CVID You Google it with disbelief...How could ya?

Well it goes like this your feeling sick Your morning Jo won’t do the trick You’re gonna need heavenly help so Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

Your mind is strong but your body’s weak You’ve lost your voice, and it hurts to speak. Choking down aspirin-nothing can stop ya

It’s 6pm and you’re fighting sleep You’ve got an engagement you have to keep. Thanking the Lord for “Kickstart”, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

Life is always full of change With CVID things seem out of range You can wake up with a fever going through ya

You get to work but come in late The plans you made later will have to wait Fighting for all your worth oh Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

A normal life is all you wish You pray each day for a cure for this Then guilt for selfish prayers surround ya

Why should I expect God to pounce? On something most people cannot pronounce Like Hypo-gamma-globul-in-emia

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

Time to watch my grandson play I’m thanking God for one more day My prayers go out for all that God will heal ya

Be Thankful for the days ahead That they’re filled with everything but dread And don’t forget to shout out Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

“Hallelujah” Music by Leonard Cohen

Lyrics Re-Written by Darlene Vermilyea

#CVID #zebra strong

When to stay home sick...

Growing up not feeling well and not knowing why I often would tell my mom “I think I need to stay home today” on rare occasions she would agree but most of the time she would tell me how important it was to be in school as she is handing me Tylenol, cough syrup, Pepto-Bismol and whatever other over the counter fix she could provide to help me make it on my way. My mom was often sick also, coughing, tired, not feeling well but I am not sure if she ever stayed home from work. She taught me how important it was to show up, do your best no matter what you feel like & always smile.

Over the years I have come up with solutions to get myself out the door even when I feel like I just want to stay in bed. First thing is prayer, because I believe it does work and even though I don’t understand why I have to feel like this I am reminded all the time of how much worse it could be. I am still alive and I am not in the hospital, and I have so much to “get up” for. I love the people who I work with and their families, I love my family even though I don’t see them everyday; I think of them everyday and pray for them. How life changes, I used to wake up to family every day and see them every night after work. now I see my coworkers more than my family. No matter, I love them all and for whatever reason God has put me where I am today and I don’t think I am supposed to give up and stay home so here are some of my solutions:

When I wake up coughing= 12 hr cough suppressant (& an extra prayer it doesn’t create pneumonia), coffee-off to work.

Wake up with sore throat= mom’s remedy gargle with salt water, “chew” aspirin, drink coffee (if you’re able)-off to work.

Wake up with a fever (& you have a working thermometer)=Tylenol & Aspirin, Ice pack, coffee-if it drops below 100 off to work. (If the thermometer is broken you assume it dropped and go to work.)

Wake up with a superficial clot after your infusion= Instant sticky heat pad (getting hard to find but still available), Aspirin, elevate your leg while you drink your coffee-off to work.

Wake up feeling exhausted= Drink a lot of coffee and remind yourself you only have to make it to lunch before you can sleep more.

Wake up feeling nauseous, throwing up-Give Up! stay home..... I have found nothing to overcome this. At least you won’t be spending all day in bed because you will be racing to the bathroom...That is how today started!

Thankfully it is Saturday and I didn’t miss work, but I had to stay home from a family reunion I was so excited to attend. Last night I knew it wasn’t meant to be, came home too tired to fix anything to take but had no idea I would be this sick the following morning. Thankful that I sensed it and called my Aunt last night to let her know how I much I wanted too see her but felt it wasn’t going to happen this weekend.

I hate letting my illness rule my life, I am in constant battle with it. Most of the time I force it into the back seat and carry on as best I can but sometimes no matter how hard I try to overcome...it conquers me...leaving me feeling not just defeated, miserable and helpless but in tears because I had to give in to it. I guess crying sometimes is permitted at least mine is due to pain and suffering.... Peter wept because a rooster crowed (you’ll need to read it yourself Matthew 26:75) and even “Jesus wept” John 11:35..... Once

#cvid #hypogammaglobulinemia

More Than I Can Handle

I read an article today about things we say about God that are not actually in the Bible and this one stuck in my head. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me (and I have told others even though I don’t believe it) that “God will not give you more than you can handle”. Well it’s not true and finally I found someone who gave me an explanation that makes so much sense.

The times we are closest to God, when we turn to him most is when we have too much! When loved ones die, when marriage is stressed, when we feel danger, when we are sick, when we just have too much going on with work and family, that is when our faith is strongest. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28). Why would this be in the Bible? I believe it is there because Jesus wants us to go to him for relief/rest and knew that we would be burdened (beyond what we can handle), It’s one of those little “glimpses” of wisdom in the Bible. We as selfish humans would not go to him if we were not burdened, Jesus knew this and was giving us an out.

I remember singing a song as a child and still today that is so relevant to this. “Is your burden heavy as you bear it all alone? Does the road you travel harbor danger yet unknown? Are you growing weary in the struggle of it all? Jesus will help you when on his name you call. He is always there hearing every prayer faithful and true. Walking by our side in his love we hide all the day through. When you get discouraged just remember what to do reach out to Jesus he’s reaching out to you.” by Ralph Carmichael. As a child my burdens were different but seemed so huge and I can remember singing this on the front porch crying and wiping my tears on some unsuspecting barn cat that happened to be in the grabbing range. As I got older I sang it and memories of my past “burdens” would cone to mind and the realization of how minuscule they were in comparison. I realize these too (hopefully) will seem that way. Just a little girl crying out to God while seeking the comfort from the creatures he gave us here on Earth.

I still have one of those “barn cats”; brought him here to the city with me about 20 years ago and have cried so many tears while holding him...some day he too will be gone but thankfully God will always be there when I have too much to handle. Currently life is overwhelming me and I can use a little rest...resting a little easier knowing God’s got this! (once I give it to him)...minuscule.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

That was Friday...I am not sure why it turned into that I guess like the children’s book says “some days are like that”. It might be that I wasn’t feeling well and was in pain but I deal with that all the time and still have decent days. Maybe I just ran out of patience and couldn’t deal with all I was bombarded with. Maybe everyone I was dealing with was also having a bad day..I don’t know what it was but I am so glad it is in the past and won’t be repeated.

I think a lot of anger happens when things change in life. Everyone handles it differently. Some are able to keep their thoughts about it to themselves, others tend to vent. I expected to be on the receiving end on Friday but soon discovered I was not really handling it very well. I guess I have had on my plate far larger changes (life changes) to deal with, so I really had no compassion or sympathy for their situation.

There are several changes currently happening and the one that is causing me anxiety isn’t the one I was hearing about. So while trying to show compassion, understanding, yet upholding the change, inside I was stewing over another “change” that they were not aware of and would not effect them in any way.

My anxiety comes not from the change itself it’s more not knowing everything about it-the process. I have read the online manual and have heard/seen on a conference call what the changes are but so far I have not actually done it, and until I actually do the process I will have stress and anxiety. I suppose Monday will be that day.

Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love/unity, peace & thankfulness-all that I need to make it through the day/week...my prayer for the week for myself and those I meet. “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15 NIV

Plan B

I sometimes wish God would fill me in on the plan instead of letting me bungle it all up first. So I find myself asking “Was this you God..or me again?”

When you are waiting 3 months for a confirmation letter and then you finally get it and there are two mistakes on it (Big mistakes). You also find out it is only good for 6 weeks and then you get to repeat the process...SURPRISE! I have to ask “Is this your plan or mine?” I hope you speak up soon because I am ready to ditch it!.

I always keep thinking about what “Plan B” is going to look like when “Plan A” fails. I guess it’s because my “Plan A’s” keep failing. If I kept track of all of them on an Excel sheet I would be in the double letter columns by now. Truly the case with this “Plan A” because in 2002 I attempted the same Plan and it failed miserably...

So I once again turn to scripture and I read another perplexing verse (pulled out of context) it could mean I should not ditch this plan...on the other hand if this plan goes through I would be “giving up” on something else so maybe I should ditch it...“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded." 2 Chronicles 15:7 NIV

Greatest Stress Relief Ever....

I used to think there was nothing more comforting, relaxing, stress relieving, than rocking my baby to sleep...now I am a grandma and I can attest, there is Absolutely! nothing more comforting, relaxing, stress relieving, than rocking my grand-baby to sleep!

This was a great verse for me today as I felt my patience being stretched and tested while dealing with an insurance/pharmacy issue. Jesus has shown me so much Patience and Mercy throughout my life, I can certainly have patience for others in return.

The photo was taken in Tillamook July 2014, It was a day spent with family after the loss of my oldest brother. In the midst of trouble, sorrow, and turmoil I took a moment to pray and gazed upwards to see the most beautiful sight. it gave me so much peace I wanted to capture it with my camera, but this is only a fraction of what I saw and words cannot describe my feelings.

the-worship-project

All My Hope Is In You - original print from The Worship Project.

In the good times and in the more trying times, our hope is in Him. Alone.

We mustn’t look to the left or the right. We can’t wander around aimlessly, wondering where to turn. Our path is set on the One who loves us, the way is straight ahead, His way is not always easy and it takes us into things that are beyond us, but praise God that He is steady, faithful and He goes before us - hemming us in before and behind. He watches our every step, He guides us and leads us ever on.

We can trust Him and lean on Him, because of His ultimate sacrifice. That sacrifice and His subsequent eternal life is where our hope MUST come from. The world fails us everywhere we look. He will never fail and all our hope is in Him x

* * *

TWP Online Store // Instagram @the365worshipproject // Facebook

Memory...Pros and Cons

I think there is a happy medium for the ability to remember..currently mine is in overdrive. I have taken care of individuals with Alzheimer's/Dementia and that is horrible for everyone, but having an excellent memory can also make life difficult. My mom used to joke that my dad had “selective” hearing. I wish I had “selective” memory. I remember things that I wish I wouldn’t remember, think about, stew about, concern myself over. My life would be simpler if I would forget the problems and issues that are out of my control. “Forgive and Forget” but what if you “forgive” but can’t “forget”?

When someone tells me something or actually promises something, I expect that they will follow through. I have no tolerance for someone who lies to me, but I like to give them the benefit of doubt that maybe they just forgot, or even made a mistake. I have made plenty!

Currently I am, stewing, making up reasons why things happen the way they do, trying to figure out the deeper meaning, all because I was told something would happen that hasn’t. When you are part of a group of people and are promised something if the promise is broken to the entire group you can get over it, next time you trust a little less, and you eventually forgive. Problem is my inability to forget (memory in overdrive), and my curiosity to know if I was lied too (or if I misunderstood) has caused me to discern that I may be the only person that did not receive what was promised. Why I am upset over this minor issue may be God giving me a distraction from everything else, except I have not been distracted, I just added it to the collection.

When you heap this on top of all the other things on my mind right now that I can’t “forget” I am a Wreck-and I can’t fix any of it (not on my own)-it is all out of my control. I am so glad it is Saturday though, I don’t have to put on a facade today for anyone. I can be sick and not take medication to cover the symptoms, I can even cry if I choose without feeling the need to hide my feelings. The things I find myself worrying about most generally revolve around medical stuff, insurance, illness, medical bills, medication. I want to give it to God but I keep taking it back because, I wake up sick, tired, the phone calls come in and I feel forced to deal with all of it. I have thought about telling whoever is on the line that “I have turned this issue over to God now and you will need to contact Him directly” but then they would probably lock me up for insanity.

In the whole scheme of things none of it matters. The Bible says we will be taken care of. So many scriptures make reference to this-God must have known our human foolishness would get in the way of our trust: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26 NIV

We are human and we lie, and we break promises, we don’t trust in God enough, and reading the Bible just emphasis the fact that we have done this for a very long time. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.

So God thank you for giving me one day this week that I don’t have to put on a facade. Thank you for giving me this day to once again realize how foolish I am to worry over worldly issues instead of just being thankful for the day and for your promises. “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord's will,we will live and do this or that.’” James 4:14-15 NIV

Thank you also for this reminder that your words and promises are not the same as ours to each other; “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19 NIV

Stressed Beyond Limits

When you have a chronic illness and you have a job how do you decide when to stay home? How sick must you be to warrant taking time off? Today I stayed home sick and as the day progressed I am thankful for that choice, but lately making the choice is stressing me out.

Today...well this week actually has been very stressful (beyond the normal stressful situations of life). It appears to be taking a toll because my stomach is in knots and I am really sick today-or maybe I am sick and can use stress for my scapegoat.

About every 6 months the prescription for the medication that keeps my immune system somewhat in existence has to be “pre-authorized” and approved by the insurance company before it can be sent to me (they decide if I am worthy of living or dying). Last week I was informed the time was up July 1st. This week my prescription was supposed to arrive on Tuesday but no shipment arrived. There is no information on the insurance website telling you when they may decide to approve or reject your physicians request, nothing even showing there is a request in process. When you call the pharmacy they tell you they are waiting to hear from your physician and tell you to call them. When you call the physician they tell you they submitted the forms and are waiting on the insurance to approve them. It is out of my control but I can’t let it go. I feel the need to make the calls yet really I think it makes no difference in the timing so I should just turn it over to God and do nothing..so why can’t I?

There is more to the issue because I have a co-pay assistance program helping to cover the cost but it runs out Aug 1st, I think I can re-apply but last time there was an issue and so I have an unpaid bill-not the first and I am sure not the last but it is Stressful! On top of not feeling well, being tired, and working-the insurance nightmare and paperwork to get the medication is overwhelming me. I have also filed a claim about this health issue and so I have been making calls and trying to check on the status. I sense dissension from the letters telling me they are extending their time to make a decision on the claim and all the phone calls I have received. I don’t know what will happen if the claim is approved or denied so that just adds to my stress level.

I wish I could just escape from life issues for awhile, from sickness, problems, bills, but you can’t escape-the problems follow you wherever you go and whatever you do. I thought I would just go to the store and buy something to eat and try not to think about any of it, but that failed! I can’t even make myself spend money on groceries. Who but me can feel guilt for buying milk? I can’t take a drive because I feel I am wasting gas that I can’t afford to waste, even when there are relatives I long to visit and hug that are only a mere 3 hour drive from here.

They say money can’t by happiness but I think a lack of it can cause,unhappiness, stress and even illness. When doctor bills are out of this world, prescription medications are $10,000/month, all of it could be solved with money so whoever said “it doesn’t buy happiness” LIED!

Then in desperation to find the answers that “Google” can’t solve I turn once again to scripture, with my eyes so full of tears I can hardly see, I find this (translation-“The Message”):

“There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary...” Romans 5:3-5 The Message

Another one of those songs that echos through my mind as I am not coping...crying over life's struggles...”I drop my sword and cry for just awhile, cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child...They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around...I drop my sword and look up for a smile”

Mistakes and Blessings

Sometimes we make really bad decisions in life that we regret for years but how do you regret a huge mistake that ends up blessing your life for years afterwards? I guess you always regret the sin even when God turns it around for good.

I fell in love with someone over 27 years ago. I could make all kinds of excuses why I chose to make the mistakes I did then but none of that matters. He ultimately broke my heart as he walked out of my life, but prior to that I broke God’s heart as I chose to sin. The outcome of all of this is I have a son who blesses me over and over (who never met his biological father), and a renewed relationship with God. I never looked for another relationship after that, somehow I thought my life now was to take care of my son, renew my relationship with God, and figure out what the “Plan” was for my life.

Well I still am not sure what the plan is but I think that with all that has happened since then this is the “Plan”. I would not have been a good wife, I am too sick to have another person to take care of now. Just raising my son was difficult , also dealing with an unknown illness, at times I felt overwhelmed, but my son is grown up now, I am getting old, and he doesn’t need “taking care of”. A husband and a marriage would require on going energy and work, I find myself thinking that maybe this was part of the plan. Perhaps it wasn’t God’s plan originally but he made it right, and has blessed me with a son who loves the Lord, has a lovely wife and a son I adore. Couldn’t ask for anything more.

My son turned 26 a few days ago and his dad sent him a message on Facebook, wishing him a “Happy Birthday” and he apologized for missing the last 26 years of his life. I am not sure what my life would be like had he not walked out of it when hearing he was going to be a dad, but I have no regrets. Yet I am glad that finally after all these years he has decided to show some interest in our son. He missed out on 26 years of blessings. I don’t know why he chose this year to wish him well, I don’t know if he plans to get to know our son now after all this time, I guess God is the only one who knows.

Thankful for God’s grace and redemption in my life, I am so unworthy of all that he has done for me.

“This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:22-24 NIV

Music...

I love music, it seems like I always have a tune or lyric running through my head. I remember songs from when I was a little girl that my mom would sing, songs from church, songs from camp, musicals, choir, and girls ensemble, and all the jingles from old commercials and Public Service Announcements. I listen to new songs and pick up on the lyrics sometimes without even realizing it, until I find myself singing them and wondering “Where did that come from?”.

I never thought much about it until one day when I was watching my grandson and he was “hooting” like an owl and I started singing “Help Woodsy spread the word, never be a dirty bird” and this isn’t the first time he has said or done something to make me think of a song and start singing it to him. With my family I do this frequently but no one has ever commented about it and my brother (if he is around) joins me. So my son is used to this but his wife asked him: “Does your family always just randomly break out singing? My family doesn’t!” I guess it is a little weird but I have done it forever and I really can’t stop so I will just be the strange mother in law that randomly sings.

I don’t sing at work but it still happens there, someone says something and a tune comes to mind (I just don’t sing it there). One time I did sing at work but there was only one other person in the room and it seemed appropriate to start the tune “Let it go,let it go” and it brought a lot of laughter and I think that is what music should do. Unless your singing the Blues or sad country songs, but “Why should the blues always be sad? You talk about your troubles and your feeling so bad? All of that toil worry and pain...” There I go again (sorry I don’t know who wrote that it just popped into my head from the past).

My mom sang in the car, for years we didn’t have television so we listened to old records (Dean Martin “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s Amore”) 8 track tapes, or the radio (”1590 on your radio dial KTIL”), my life was full of music. I would sing at the barn (animals are not critics) and down by the river and it would echo off the mountains. I am not a great singer and don’t do solos in public but inside my home and with my family I don’t even think about it. It just happens, there are so many great songs that just need to be sung, and commercials used to all have jingles. Can I help it if when I pick up a bottle of French’s Mustard I start singing (or thinking) “you are my sunshine”?. My question is why doesn’t everyone? Or when headed to Toys R Us with whoever is in my car “I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid, they’ve got a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with! From bikes to trains to video games, it’s the biggest toy store there is...”

Lately the lyrics that are stuck in my head are “Tomorrow we discover what our God in heaven has in store...” (One Day More from Les Miserables), and “His grace is sufficient for sickness, Sustaining and making me whole; His grace is sufficient when sorrows Like billows roll over the soul.... Yes, over and over and over, My Savior keeps saying to me; My strength is made perfect in weakness, My grace is sufficient for thee.” (My Grace Is Sufficient For Thee by Albert Benjamin Simpson). As I sit here in a weakened state, in pain, tired but being woke up, and praying Lord give me Strength!

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

Laughter & Tears...

This has been a day of both. No matter what you call it, Memorial Service, Celebration of Life, or Funeral, it is heart wrenching to get together to remember someone you cared about & touched your life. Today was one of those heart wrenching times, a man who used to call me one of his “Kids” on Sunday morning and asked me “how is my grandson and great grandson doing” when asking about my son and grandson. It’s not like he needed any more family - he has a big wonderful family but he had room in his heart for more and included me and my family in his (with all my imperfections-they loved me anyway). I am crying once again, his wife was just the same-we were “family” that met and became “family” in a little country church- and they are both in heaven now and I am still here missing them.

It was God that led me to this little church, it isn’t a church you are going to drive past on your way to anywhere. I moved to the city to attend college, I loved my hometown church but wasn’t sure how to find one in the city. Then one morning in my 8 am “New Testament Survey” class the instructor began with prayer requests and started by saying his church needed a nursery attendant. I felt like it was my invitation to church-I used to help in the nursery in my hometown and I was studying Early Childhood Ed. I saw him after class and started attending this little country church, and found my second “family”. That was about 28 years ago (over half my life).

So on to the laughter, I left the service and got to go see my grandson. He was at the park in his stroller and as soon as he saw me he was trying to undo his seat belt so he could get to me. He is such a blessing, and so are his parents. I love them all and it was especially good to see them this afternoon.

“ Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10 NIV

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