june 19: biting my tongue
i realize i'm staring too intently at his lips around his beer bottle when she comes and sits between us, jostling me out of my trance.
she looks beautiful as ever, even with her hair a mess like that. i reach up to pat a few strands into submission. it doesn't work. i'm so distracted by the hole in the sleeve of her shirt that, tipsy and swaying slighty, i don't hear what they're saying. my head is in the clouds, and sunk into the earth at the same time.
i've been off all month. ever since i understood how i feel about both of them, i've been lost. it's funny, isn't it, that i lost myself when i was supposed to have found myself. i know he loves her, and i thought it was familial, what i felt for him. it wasn't. i know she loves him, and i thought it was platonic, what i felt for her. it wasn't. i've been swallowing my feelings every day like some medication i have to take to stay sane, but it's not working. it's really not working. i'm constantly on the verge of destroying the two most important relationships i have, and the strange part is that i want to give in to it. i want to tell them i love them. i love them both.
a stinging pain shoots across my face, and i blink, refocusing on now. she looks at me, half-angry, half-concerned. he looks at me the same way. i suddenly feel like i don't belong here, on this sofa. i suddenly feel like i'm intruding.
"what is wrong with you?" she says, a hand carressing the cheek she slapped. "where are you disappearing to?"
"we've been worried," he adds.
oh, i think. this is an intervention. i don't know what to tell them. my teeth hold my tongue down, gag it and tie it to a chair so it doesn't speak.
"i don't know what you mean?" i try. he reaches over to grab my hand but i unconsciously flinch away. he freezes, face falling, dismayed.
"just tell us," she urges. my tongue rips the ropes binding it and tears the gag out of it mouth before my teeth can subdue it.
"i love you!" it shouts. i shout. she straightens, he draws away. both shocked. i can see his expression crumpling a little and i can't look away from him. "both of you."
his head snaps up. his eyes are wide. i think mine are, too. but his seem hopeful and mine feel pleading. i open my mouth to apologize, to take it back, to promise that i'll never bring it up again—when he scrambles across the sofa, over her lap, grabs my face in both hands and kisses me, hard. devastating. the bitter taste of beer. my hands don't know where to go, so two soft ones grab them. i hold on for dear life as he rests his forehead against mine.
"do you know," he whispers, breath warm against my mouth, "how long we've been waiting for you to say that?"
i tear my eyes away from him. she brings my hand to her face, presses her lips against my skin. her eyes are wet, but happy. i turn my face into the cushions, grinning like a fool. i'm dizzy—because of the alcohol or the kiss?
inspired by the first fifteen minutes i saw of dasara (2023).
'pride 2023: colours of the shadows' pinned.
