My vent blog i guess

Crazy lizzards vent

[dasdasddsadsadf]

im gonna mine the shit out of this god damn stupid tumblrcioin

[dasdasddsadsadf]

am i selfish for looking after myself first? am i supposed to stay with you forever? am i supposed to find a better reason to break up with you? Do i need to break up with ariya and tala if im breaking up maya too? What do you even mean when you say ill hurt tala and ariya "like this"? Like i havent been in a long committed relationship before and will just dump them because theres no ""spark""? Tell me in the clearest fucking language what i need to do

[dasdasddsadsadf]

[dasdasddsadsadf]

How to last longer in bed:

put yourself into a depression spiral right then and there just fucking do it

[dasdasddsadsadf]

hello @ god why did you give me super horrible performance anxiety even while jacking off

[dasdasddsadsadf]

i love my girlfriend but more often than not i cant participate in the amount of political discourse she shares with me. im sorry i just cant. Its not that i don't agree with her, its just that pointing out already well known flaws in the systemic shithole of our life we can barely do anything about just feels futile to an extent. I try to keep myself informed about current events and policies and vote accordingly, but discussing it just wastes energy for me i don't have. 

[dasdasddsadsadf]

i really don’t like my dick

everytime i look at it i just wish i wasn't expected to use it and i could just be a sub 24/7

even durring sex! every time im not 100% confident in myself or question my performance it just goes down to being a soft baby carrot again.

all i can think about is if im pleasing my partner well enough, and in doing so, anxiety hits hard and im unable to do anything.

is this what real dysphoria feels like?

[dasdasddsadsadf]

Good reason to hate me: the fact that I’m an over flirtatious piece of shit even though I shouldn’t be because I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend

[dasdasddsadsadf]

I am a mess that can't keep in my addiction for affection. I don't even know how I was ever able to manage TWO partners. All I know how to keep a conversation is to flirt. I'm a problematic shit hole who just can't keep it in his pants. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm not even trying to fix it. In sorry

[dasdasddsadsadf]

Good reason to hate me: the fact that I'm an over flirtatious piece of shit even though I shouldn't be because I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend

[dasdasddsadsadf]

its getting hard for me to feel affection towards tala and i literally have no fucking idea why i hate it

[dasdasddsadsadf]

ever since tff and being surrounded and squsihed by like those group of 5 furries ive had a MAJOR fursuit and furry fetish ever since and im kinda sad something similar didnt happen at Anthrocon WHOOPS 

[dasdasddsadsadf]

oh fuck

i feel it 

i feel

t h e  d e p r e s s i o n 

[dasdasddsadsadf]

Hi! My name is Ryan and I Wana suck your fursonas dick *goes on to try and keep talking like this for the entire length of the friendship*

[dasdasddsadsadf]

ffs even talking to my partners about my sex life is hard what the FUCK

why couldnt i be mute so i could just talk through text and people dont have to hear my ugly crackly voice when i talk about something super personal and sensitive

[dasdasddsadsadf]

My sex life is in this weird limbo of sorts that’s confined by the boundaries of “i cant do this but its nearly impossible for me to do this either” and seeing how my friends can achieve either side im really stuck in this boring and depressing middle of the road so to speak

[dasdasddsadsadf]

ok what i said is confusing as hell so for my future self lets make it easier to understand

We’re going to call this the sex o meter. It basically represents the spectrum of being dom and sub by performance n shit. For example, a switch would look something like this

cant get extremly dom, but also cant be extremly subby

now, most of my friends look like this

super subby and practically able to enjoy most situations and huge insertions, etc...

and im here kinda like

i know its a super stupid thing to get upset over, but its something i cant stop thinking of. i find it extremely hard to satisfy anyone or to satisfy myself because of my limitations and anxieties. its getting hard to enjoy anything that involves being intimate with friends irl and not behind the comfort and safety of my computer screen. it’s making me afraid to get intimate with even my own partners, because i know the silent expectations of being good one way or the other just aren’t there. i cant do anything right to save my life. my best bet would to just shut up and take something like a sub, but even then i cant do that well because of size limitations and reluctance to communicate. its dumb. im dumb. why does this problem exist. why am i here going into detail about something i should just keep personal. why. 

[dasdasddsadsadf]

My sex life is in this weird limbo of sorts that’s confined by the boundaries of “i cant do this but its nearly impossible for me to do this either” and seeing how my friends can achieve either side im really stuck in this boring and depressing middle of the road so to speak

[dasdasddsadsadf]

I can't be dom to save my life! Fuck!