Mädchen @dasfeuerliebtmichnicht - Tumblr Blog

Olivia Karen

I hope your time on this earth will be less fraught than mine.

I’m trying, trying to live. To survive.

I hope to everything I know that he and I get a long long time together.

He told me I’m the love of his life. Hes the first person I’d ever wanted to say ‘I love you’ to before they said it to me first. I wear my words on my face and hes all over me.

please please please

#journal

M.S

I impromptu meet you in a bar. You look stronger than ever and my heart leas to meet you. When I met you four years ago you were so small and scared, now you’re the best I’ve seen you.

I spill my woes and loves to you over sugar and salt, and you tell me what I want so terribly to hear. You say I am the gutsiest girl you’ve ever known, that you look up to me and couldn’t do half of what I’ve done. That I am strong and smart and quick and will live through this, and above all live and not die by my own hand. You tell me I am good for this earth, and strong strong strong.

I admit I’m having fantasies of suicide again, and nobody knows but you, Life. Its getting graphic and intense and making me cry and I’m shooting myself in the feet over and over. Surely if i were a boat I’d sink.

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t know if I’m enough, if theres enough of me left.

#journal

Last night you saw me from across the room and got to me so fast we became tangled in my ropes. You smiled so wide and i joined you. Later, at the bar, you wrapped your arms around me from behind and i gleefully lean my head back onto your shoulder. You looked so happy to see me.

I’m always so happy to see you.

#journal

S.G IIII or is it V by now?

its been a while hasn’t it, life

I’m home from the snow and I feel colder still. I don’t think I’m ready to talk to you about that yet, or just how in need I am.

My stomach cramps are gruesome hosts and I don’t feel much like entertaining. I fall into your arms as soon as look at you; you who has kept me company during my icy icy exile with warm phonecalls and words. You sing me sweetness dipped in honeyed tones and my skittish muscles and mind relax. You tell me how close how connected how comfortable you are with me. That you feel better for my just being there. You say the next holiday you go on should be with me; you talk about France, Amsterdam....I glow. The next day you ask me how I’d feel about meeting your Mother. So, you and I and she meet at the docks and drink together and I see just why you are the wonderful way you are. Am I wonderful too?, I think. Afterwards in a cider haze on your roof you tell me she liked me, that we hit it off. She invited us both to the Lido and the memory of the cool water felt like river fingers on my neck.

We cook salmon for dinner and sigh over how good it tastes. You listen to me tell you about the trip and you hold me harder and harder. You tell me i’m wonderful and you feel so so good with me. That you missed me, that you missed me already. We do things together that surprise me, as much as I longed for them. You stroke my hair afterwards til I calm down. In the morning I fret from cramps and exhaustion and fear and you try to look after me, it registers with me through my fright. I sleep with you for three nights and I sleep happily.

We said goodnight only a moment ago, I am glad to have your like of me.

I hope, I hope, I hope.......theres so much I keep wanting to say to you.

#journal

s.g. IIII

I’ve been listening to hazey for days and you’re just the visual, aren’t you?

My skittishness could take down a army, but oh my how you look at me.

What can I say first? So so so I went to London, shaky and sore, I spent time with a dear friend, among others. I was brave and wore white, I’m as far from a bride as I’ll ever be. Shined in latex and danced over and over. I slept in bed with you for the second time and lulled to sleep in laughter.

I come home to you, glazed over like black sugar. I hold you, what else could i do but try and suppress my childish jealousy? I hold you and water you and your eyes become a little less sore. You tell me over a dozen times how glad you are for me, how badly you wanted me that morning, how you desired my touch more than anything. that no one else could do. You call yourself blessed for sharing a bed with a beautiful woman, allegedly this beautiful woman. I stalk away from my sadness and talk with your flatmate, K, in the lounge. He asks me about my writing and reacts well; understanding what horrifying notions I’ve created. We discuss old memories of bad behaviour and I remember the carnival down south. Independent of anyone, Em, why are you so so drawn to such behaviours? Its like a lust can’t control.

Back to you; you tell me to stay another night, in the morning we say goodbye and you tell me you can’t wait to see me again already. You promise walks, beaches, I promise dinner. You told me I’m one of the most open, lovely, kindest people you know. How you adore me. You see me drinking beer and threatening the television. I hold you for eight hours while you sleep with a stiff jaw. I fret I cannot relate to you, and how I want to. What is it with you Em?

I try over and over not to worry, and I almost think you hold me enough to lull it out of me. I sleep long and hard and peacefully in your arms.

#journal

s.g III

So, Life, its been a while. Again. I’m sleepier than I’d like to be, but I hope i’m safer than what i feel.

I’m naturally anxious always, but the last week has been adrenaline to the gut - i’ve been stronger, quicker, smarter and more more more laughter. More of that girl I am. And I know why. And I can’t tell you yet.

But I can tell you that I spent nights with him again. Him; you, I mean you.

You hold my hand tighter when bad scenes come on the tv, you push your motorbike down an entire street to make it start so you can fetch something of mine from across town, you fall asleep holding me, i fall asleep holding you, staring at me, you call me pretty. You make me breakfast. I still catch you looking at me.

My friend tells me that as he understands it, you like me for who i am and what we have. and that you wouldn’t give that up.

I think about you. i can’t help it.

#journal

smoked salmon and tails

life hurts right now. im skittish and you’re ill, i’m skittish and you’re dead. But I am not, and neither are you.

You hold me, try to soothe me. You say you’d spend all day fawning over me until i am restored to health. you hold me while i sleep and sleep i do wrapped in your arms. you share what you love with me and i listen and am entranced, though i try to ignore the nail-tug at my bruised heartstrings. i try so hard to be calm and happy. I don’t always manage it because the last few days have been hard. You tell me you adore my company, that you can be both extroverted and introverted with me, that you are utterly utterly relaxed with me. You say it for you but you also say it for me and that comforts me.

You shake your head at me in bed and exclaim how did i ever think you’d not want to see me again.

I’ve tried to ignore my frantic-beat heart the last few days. Oh, how i’ve tried. Last night at VNV didn’t help. it reminded me of my youth, of being 21, of no longer being 21. I didn’t care for it like i did back then. I felt as though i were listening to a orchestra dedicated to my ageing and changing. And i suppose thats okay. My sad head feels lonesome.

I’m trying so hard to rest and be calm. It doesnt help that the other night i told Dan how it had been getting worse since i turned 21. he looked worried and after David, I just - .......

There are good things, i know. I wish they were easier to make out in this bad weather.

#journal

s.g II

In the last 7 days I’ve slept 6 of them in your bed, with you. I was only supposed to stay for 2. You sleep loud, yet i sleep too. i’ve slept the last few nights all the way through.

I made you dinner, you made me dinner right back. We eat eggs for breakfast at 2pm if we’re lucky. I drive through Bristol with you, in fright and eventual shy confidence. We have a picnic together, we play board games, I bet you and you smile as you scold me. You show me Firefly and we hum the theme tune as we fall asleep. You like the tiedye i’m wearing and i confess i’m a poor goth. We listen to horns over and over. Your eyes are so so blue and you look at me with lust, and not. What is the not? If you’re not looking with lust what is there? I’m prone to panic and i still don’t know what to think so maybe i will continue to just trust what you say.

You ask me to stay, each time an extra day. You confess you adore sleeping in bed with me, holding me, how comfortable you are with me. You tell me you want to take me dancing at night, and to a dance class, and to watch anime, and to walk and play and climb. You show me your bag of dice, I smile at you.

You ask me questions and i tell you stories and we tentatively flesh each other out. We drink wine and laugh and i get bolshy, teasing you and your flatmate. We cook food together with the horns playing, and you dance with me in your kitchen. You bought me a orchid for my birthday because you thought i couldnt bear cut flowers that arent long for this world. You’re right.

In the shower i faint into your arms and you catch me. You tell me i’m out for 6 seconds and in that time i swear to you im on a spaceship. I open my eyes and my face is wet and so is yours.

I like your company, I like you.

#journal

s.g

Yesterday spread like wildfire and i can still feel you at my fingertips, like i’m singed. Time beneath my back is a black hole and i fall over and over.

I peek at you through the window, shaded by a boston fern that would never tell. Later, I tell you you couldn’t creep up on anyone while riding that motorbike. I watch you anyway and compare your protective clothing to kevlar. By comparison i’m wearing kneesocks and a dress that looks like Giger drew it. Apparently kevlar gets hot on your legs so I give you my ‘hobbit trousers’ to wear. Thinner than the skin on my wrists, they may aswell be see through to boot.

I still don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to think. I suppose all I can do is listen to what you say and believe it because by hell you listen to me. You repeat back almost every word.

Time with you feels kind.

#journal

redlipstickresurrected

This morning my body feels startled. I’ve not stopped moving since Thursday and now I have all my fears have caught up.

I should be the only babe in my arms, Not you or you.

Yet I feel a hurt, I don’t understand how you can be so blase. Were you always this way? I don’t remember. Where has my friend gone? The tiniest flicker of a connection and then nothing at all.

And you? I don’t know what you want from me.

I wish I could read minds. You could start with your own, Em

#journal

Seth Green

So, I’m writing about you after all. My bones are tired and I’m hungover too. I’d blame you if I were the least bit sorry, only I’m not. You are not A, you are M and I know that.

You take me out to play board games and drink sweet vodka. Its a co-op game but I still threaten to kill you. Over and over. I’m wearing loose trousers and my top is see-through. You see my boy underwear, which was my intention. My latex choker holds my throat and your eyes linger on that line. You’re easy to talk to, why is it so noticeable? Is everyone else just a over-effort or are you somehow receptive to me? I thank god I don’t have to impress you because I honestly don’t fucking know how. I’m barely toeing the line anymore. I speak to you like I speak to all my old friends, bluntly and in detail. I don’t want you to get an incorrect impression of me but truly I dont know what the correct one would be. I’m a soup of my desires, spilling hot from my bloody mouth.

We finish playing, and I take you to a bar I like. We roost against the wall like birds and my sides hurt from laughing already. Its dusky, I think your eyes are blue. I didn’t think I made a good impression when I met you first, and you tell me otherwise. You say my face lights up with animation, my sharp tongue, sass. Dark dark eyes. I catch you looking at me sometimes but its fair because you caught me too.

I meet you at 6pm and my oldest friend comes to get me at 2am. He and I laugh in the car until 4am and I tell him all about you.

I feel like Willow

#journal

You make me wish to walk through walls

#journal

Werewolves

And you? You’ve given the game away in moments, in an instant. Whatever shall I do with you?

#journal

250117

So I see you, in the dark. Your face is losing its baby fat and you’re only a few months ahead of me so I must look the same too.

You speak like a cargo ship when I’d always thought you to be a sailboat. The only similarity is that neither is tethered in place. I’m not tethered either. You defensive smirking speak drags me into a resentful pissing content, and c’mon....thats unlike me. You have everything I’ve ever wanted and yet I still don’t want what you have. You are set and stuck and I.....IIIIIIIIIIIIII have no idea which way I’m going. I can’t won’t and wouldn’t trade with you, I only....ache for direction.

Later that night I torture myself looking at someone else’s life. Only 4 years ago they wrote in horror at the marriages, mortgages and births and now they have all three. My body smarts in response. How can I be almost 25 already? I’m not ready for any of the three yet. I feel poorly rigged

in such company

So we haven’t spoken in almost a week Life, and I feel calmer albeit excitable.

I’m trying to do the good things; be kind to myself and give me what I want and the rest can come in good time.

But I want, I need to say.....

You, you I hope you are as glad by our reuniting as I am. You get me in a instant and I get you and why the fuck not? We grew up together and just to speak to you is laughter, jostling and those kind sunshine eyes that I’ll never regret aged fifteen. I gave you a birthday card yesterday and wrote I’m so glad we are a part of each others lives again. And I am, and so are you. I’ll meet you in Japan, if not before. I adore your company

And you? We walk around the water and my hands freeze til you hide them in your pockets. You tell me you smile only to look at me. I hold you to your words about cooking dinner in women’s underwear and you tell me You’re so fun, do you know that? when I laughingly insist. We listen to music for eight hours straight and I try very hard not to feel seventeen again. I don’t succeed in not singing along with you. You cook me that dinner wearing knickers that aren’t yours while I smirk against the stovetop. Sometimes you look me in the eyes, often you look me in the eyes. I try try try try ....I adore your company

And you, a thirdly you. Theres no finer companion on Friday night or any other day. How grateful I am for you. I send my days playing tricks on you and mouthily insulting you and you take as good as you get. O told me something I’ve heard before about you last night and I’m not inclined to forget. I adore your company.

And you? You asked me a question that I didn’t understand. I saw you look at my mouth and smile, I hid behind my hair.

#journal

tonight i cannot bear it.

im not succeeding in fighting back wave after wave of depression. i could slam my head against the wall.

im all alone in the house and i just called a number i hadnt called in 5 years. they did not pick up.

i feel like its all for nothing and youre not telling me otherwise. i just, what am i supposed to think?

i wish i wasnt alone. i wish that more than anything

#journal

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