We're Brian & Emily! We live together and kiss each other on the mouth sometimes - and the rest of our relationship is pretty much talking about The Bachelor franchise. And Peter's sweater.
Brian: Ugh, Emily, I have so many things to say about The Bachelorette finale. Should we just legit get into it? We haven't really established a format for this yet, should we... like... introduce ourselves? Oh man how does this work.
Emily: I AM MAKING A BLOG! So why donāt you, like, say who were are and stuff while I get this together.
Brian: Oh heck yeah, the sausage is getting MADE RIGHT NOW. I'm into it. This is raw, this is real.
Emily: Itās just making up an email address and putting it into Tumblr, calm down.
Brian: We're Brian & Emily! We live together and kiss each other on the mouth sometimes - and the rest of our relationship is pretty much talking about The Bachelor franchise. So. This is that.We're just... going to talk about The Bachelor while we're supposed to be working. And then post it on the internet.
So, last night was Becca's Bachelorette finale. We watched at a bar a few stops away from us, and it was... kind of fun? It was fun to make the finale an event and drink a bunch of cheap wine. But I don't know if I prefer it to just hanging out in our PJs and bothering our roommates. Also I kept trying to make friends and NOBODY was having it.
I like the IDEA of watching in a bar more than the activity of it. It was just really loud and I couldnāt hear the pain in these boys voices, which is what I LIVE FOR. But it was definitely fun to treat it like a football game or something. THIS IS OUR SUPERBOWL. Also those people were lame and Iām sorry they werenāt interested in being your Bachelor Friends.
I'm just a puppy in the body of a sweaty white man.
I know, honey. Speaking of sweaty white men, though. How bout that finale? Poor Blake was SO SWEATY.
Poor sweaty Blake. I don't really know how I feel about it overall. Finales are ultimately a little weird. The folks who end up at the end usually aren't the most interesting characters from the season. They're just kind of... normal. Which is why they made it that far. I didn't really have any strong feelings about either Blake or Garrett, outside of Garrett being a problematic butthead on Twitter. But I'm sure we'll get into that later.
Right, I think the finale is hard because the show thrives on hero and villain archetypes but by the end they need both of them to be at least somewhat likable. Because obviously they want us to be happy about whoever wins, but runner up has a good shot at Bachelor so we kinda need to like him even more.
Right. That's the thing we sort of pinpointed. Who Becca chooses kind of has to be disappointing, because the producers are setting up potential storylines for the future. They're already working on the next leg of the franchise. Which I get!
Cynically, I also wonder if the producers sorta steer her away from the guy they want to be Bachelor.
That's an interesting thought. If they see a good storyline with someone, do they try their best to make it happen? But, counter to that, there's no shortage of beefy men you can make storylines with in this franchise. I wonder how needed that tactic would be.
Yeah I donāt know! You mentioned the problematic shit from Garrettās social media ā I wonder if they knew about that and didnāt want him to be Bachelor. But that came out after they were done filming, didnāt it? So I donāt know.
WHO CAN SAY! So, on to the episode, Garrett and Blake met Becca's family. Kind of a snoozer, nothing shocking. Becca's family was all aboard the Blake train, though.
Oh they were HORNY for Blake. You could tell from her face though, thatās not what she wanted to hear.
Right, that was the first indication to me that this wasn't going to go well. We kind of figured it'd be Blake from the get-out.
I definitely thought it was going to be Blake. SHE also thought it was going to be Blake! That was a big storyline this episode, that she thought from the beginning that it was going to be him. Though Garrett got the first impression rose, so clearly she was into him from the get go too.
Garrett was the guy who did a Chris Farley impression in his intro package in the year of our lord 2018 so I didnāt like him right off the bat.
I forgot about that. Becca picked Chris Farley impression guy.
She sure did, baby.
They made a whole thing in the season premiere that The First Impression Rose usually ends up being THE GUY. They spent so much time on it that I was expecting it to lead to fake-out. Nope! Not the case!
Haha I do think sometimes we get a little too meta with the show, assuming that they're manipulating us. We go down Bachelor conspiracy holes.
The Bachelor IS the moon landing.
Jet fuel can't melt roses!!!
Bush picked Bryan.
Honestly, the worst thing he's ever done.
Okay so, the boys meet Becca's family. Becca's family is ALL ABOUT Blake and Becca's confused. ...What even happened after that? What was between that and proposals? This was a three hour show and I don't remember whole patches of it. That might be the wine.
No, itās definitely the fact that the finale is always a boring episode that they try to squeeze 3 WHOLE HOURS out of. Next was a final one-on-one date. Where Garrett sorta implied that he thinks the equator is the top of the world...
The top of the world in a VAN down by the RIVER
Jesus Christ.
This is me now.
When you start liking racist shit on Instagram, the transformation will be complete.
Do you think he did a Chris Farley voice while he hit the like button?
Absolutely.
How did Blake's date go? He wasn't feeling great about it if I remember correctly?
He was very āin his headā to use Bachelor parlance. But he had a conversation with her about how they "challenge" each other and that he knew he was going to be nervous going into it but he was āchallenging" them to just let everything go for the day. And then they had the only actually hot kiss of the season. Itās a weirdly sexless show tbh.
Oh right. Something with some actual steam.Yeah, it's still very ABC primetime chaste considering it's a show that's all about having a harem.
LOL There are also a LOT of super religious people on the show and itās justā¦not mentioned.
This show is lowkey some Twin Peaks shit and I love it. It's incredibly surreal. Should we just get the massacre that takes place? Blake is the first off the boat to propose, which is of course The Finale Death Sentence. The bar went apeshit when it happened.
Oh yeah, it was brutal. Blake was definitely the fan favorite in Brooklyn. Itās so cruel that they make both men propose to her.
It's SO cruel, but also I love it.
Oh absolutely. Iāve said it before and Iāll say it again: the show is at its best when its just nice boys getting their hearts broken.
It's the drama that I crave. She stopped Blake, right? He didn't actually formally propose. Poor guy was definitely blindsided.
He definitely said something like āwill you spend the rest of your life with me?"
Oh no.
It was brutal. He was SO SWEATY. Which just adds insult to injury. Nothing will ever be the same as Peter ripping his sweater off to dry his tears, but Blake wiping his sweat with his suit jacket is definitely second place in the sexy sad boy Olympics.
Peter will never be topped, mark my words. But yeah, the suit jacket thing was pretty gut wrenching. "She's going to be so happy when Garrett proposes to her" was heart shattering.
Oh GOD I forgot that.
I think he took the whole thing as gracefully as he could in that situation. And he was very classy on After the Final Rose.
He seems like a good boy. Heāll definitely be Bachelor, right?
I think we can assume, unless someone is a real stand out on Paradise. People seem to have money on Jason, but I can't humor that until he gets his hair situation UNDER. CONTROL.
Jason seems very sweet but WHY does his hair look like heās an extra on MTVās Jersey Shore.Ā
I like Jason but he looks like he fell into a vat of hair goo and then just lived there for 30 years.Ā
It looks like he's trying to protect his hair under a shell of hard plastic coating.Ā
Take the helmet off, buddy. It's safe.
The boy needs someone to take away his hair gel.
If he gets Bachelor, they'll take care of him.
Very true. I still think itāll be Blake, if the reaction from the bar/Twitter is any indication.
Yeah, I assume it's his if he wants it. Weird that the show didn't come with an announcement though. Which feels to me like maybe they want to feel out some stuff in Bachelor in Paradise.
My perfect show.
Just to wrap up the episode -- Garrett proposes. Becca says yes. I don't know, they seem happy enough.
I am impressed that they brought up the social media stuff on After the Final Rose. You didnāt think they would.
No, my money was on them sweeping it under the rug and hoping it'd go away. They didn't get into THAT HARD, and I donāt know how much of a INTERROGATION is was worth. I haven't really done enough research into what the situation really was to be comfortable fully getting into it -- but he apologized, and I hope he meant it.
All Iāll say is that based on what I know about Becca, I donāt think theyād still be together if he doubled down on it.
Right. So that was pretty much it! How did you feel about this season overall?
It was a pretty standard season of this television show, tbh. They didnāt let Becca be nearly as charming or funny as I think she probably is. I hate the dumb manufactured drama, but there were some sweet boys.
Yeah. I think it was dead in the center for me. I didn't feel like there was a BIG HERO CHARACTER that I was rooting for (Peter), but there weren't those rough lows either (Lee). Jordan's storylines were dumb, but generally inoffensive.
Jordan was dumb and bad and I wish heād gone away sooner but yeah, he was no Lee. Or even Corinne.
Probably could have used a little Corinne. So, you ready for Bachelor in Paradise? It starts tonight and I. AM. HYPE. This is the real game. Everything else is warm up.
The Bachelor/ette is pre-season for BiP. Itās the best show of the summerItās the best show of the YEAR.
THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT'S EVER BEEN ON TELEVISION.
I canāt wait. I guess we can get more into BiP tomorrow?
Yeah definitely. I have like three meetings I'm not going to pay attention in.
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