I have to say, that last scene between Lucy and Tim brought me some kind of peace and comfort… and I really didn't expect that. At. All.
I just love how Lucy stood up for herself and set her boundaries when Tim was started to pretend this was just another day at the office. But more than that, it's how this conversation (or lack thereof) actually seemed to have brought her some sort of closure. Not the one she hoped, clearly. But she finally realised that what Tim was going through was so much deeper than she thought. And she finally accepted that it was something that he had to do on his own - for now. For someone who has always tried to help people, him even more so, admitting that he needs help from someone else besides her is a huge moment. This is Lucy 'has no quit' Chen we are talking about.
And that was the exact wake-up call Tim needed. Because he finally realised that if he doesn't do the work, he is about to lose her for good. Not just as a girlfriend. But lose her completely. His little smile, the tears in his eyes when he sees her… The fact that he was trying to pretend that they could go back to 'normal'… The man was spiraling but didn't even understand how bad that was until THAT moment. To see her 'give up' on him was really what shook him to the core. And finally accept that yes, he needs help. We know that Lucy's opinion is the one that has always mattered the most to him, that she has often been able to get through to him like no one else… and she did again. She doesn't know it yet...
Just trying to get my thoughts in order about all of the implications about Tim’s past that last night’s episode revealed, and how it relates to other scenes in the show’s history.
Because holy crap, last night’s revelations were a dumpster fire. And while I’m still upset that he didn’t at least text Lucy to say he was alive, I’m starting to get it.
Tim was young when he was a squad leader in the army (to be fair most are, but still, as someone who is now older than he would have been, the pressure of the decisions he would have been making hits even harder). Based off of his being a 12 year LAPD vet when Lucy was a Rookie, he would have been max 26-27 when he was discharged. Which means he was probably even younger when everything happened.
So going over everything that was revealed last night— One of the men under Tim’s command stole nearly half a million dollars and went absent without leave. Obviously Tim didn’t report him (likely to protect his wife since all of Ray’s benefits would have been cut off), because Ray was able to order an airstrike on the location of his own squad, killing at least 2 of Tim’s men (again, there wasn’t even enough left of them to fill a shoebox) and likely severely injuring several others. And again Tim fudges the report, so that Ray’s ‘widow’ and daughter will get his death benefits (this is so Tim, but more on that later).
We already know Tim takes on so much blame, even when he doesn’t deserve it. Can you imagine how much guilt he’s shouldering over this?!
And that regret over his actions doesn’t even take into account what we also know about Mitch’s injury. Because I looked back over the transcripts from Casualties, and it definitely sounds like that was a separate incident (he specifically stated that he let Mitch slide on something he shouldn’t have. Not let something slide in general). So we have at least 2 incidents of Tim trying to show the men he was in charge of some compassion, and it resulted in severe injury or death of the people he was responsible for.
No wonder rules matter.
There’s also the revelation that Tim was dubbed the Reaper - aka the personification of death. We don’t have much background info on why that is, but I can definitely see him not wanting Lucy to know about that side of his past, especially with what Greer was implying (that he’d gone soft for not jumping on the chance to kill Ray).
But going back to the ways that all of the ties to past storylines. Remember when Tim reported Mac Daniels and Grey pointed out that he would lose his pension, and Beth specifically asked him how she was supposed to afford to raise their kids? Holy direct parallel. We thought it just related to the way Tim hid Isabel’s addiction, but now we see that the last time he skirted the lines, it got his men killed. And now the pain that Tim was in when Beth tore into him hits so much deeper.
Him trying to hide his tears when he helped Mitch find a job and a bed hits so much deeper.
Tim is absolutely reeling right now. He was barely holding back tears when he came to see Lucy. He needed her comfort even if he couldn’t bring himself to tell her what was going on— Not just to protect her career, but probably out of so much guilt too.
Lucy wasn’t wrong to turn him away. In fact I’m glad that she set boundaries, and I know she was actually hoping that giving him that ultimatum would make him just tell her.
But holy crap does it hurt understanding how much he needed her in that moment.
Both of our babies are in so much pain right now. And I’m really going to need them to at least start letting each other back in during next week's episode, as well as a healing arc for the remainder of season 6.
Ahh… I knew I forgot things that were keeping me up in the middle of the night when I should have been sleeping.
Katie Barnes. All of those scenes take a different context now.
“You’re still in a headspace where everyone is either a friendly or an enemy combatant. It’s my job to help you change that mindset.”
“Close your eyes. I’ll cover you. This is your present. You made it home. You’re safe. When you’re in country everything is hostile. You never turn it off, you only turn it down.”
“[Being in the moment is] harder than you think. At least it was for me. But it’s the only way I could leave the war behind.”
And finally (and possibly the most painfully)—
“A part of [Barnes] is still waging a war in Afghanistan, and if she’s going to be a cop, that has to go. […] Officer Barnes only sees a scary place, and she needs to know that not everyone’s out to hurt her.”
Knife meet heart.
Tim’s own man betrayed him. Murdered members of their squad. Can you even imagine how rough his transition to becoming a cop was?! How he couldn’t trust anyone? Between that and his abusive childhood, it’s no wonder that his trust is so damn hard earned. And Lucy has been slowly breaking down those walls, but it’s no wonder that they came roaring right back up.
Reblogging for this additional part ⬆️. I love that man so much, and he's overcome much more than we'd even realized. 😭😭 Yet he keeps on fiercely loving and protecting, taking on more burdens than he should, trying to help as many as he can. OH MY HEART. ❤️
The UC storyline is something that has been looming over Tim & Lucy for a while now. So it's passed time that we deal with this conflict. And with Tim being confronted by both his past (with Isabel) and his present/future (with Lucy confiding about her fears for him), we are finally getting to the elephant in the room. Because Tim can no longer stay in denial about this. And because Lucy is getting at a crossroad where she has to make a decision regarding her future in UC. And this is what I want to discuss about… to try to see things from her perspective.
Because that's the thing : she loves going undercover. We might not understand why, but she does. And this - finding a career that she loves - is something she has been struggling for years. She said so herself, she has tried many things before. She loves being a cop, particularly going undercover and now that she knows that, it's understandable that she is going to want to hold on to it.
And not only does she love it… She's also really good at it! To the point that she is getting noticed. UC is the first (and only) division that went to actively seek her out and try to recruit her. Add to that layer her relationship with her parents, who have been trying to discourage her in the past, and it's not that hard to understand how good it must feel for her to finally find something she loves and to be encouraged to pursue. And that's where she keeps receiving mixed messages.
Because yes, she saw how UC could go wrong and destroy lives. Isabel, Nyla, Mack… She saw and heard the tales. And yet, her mentor is Nyla. Who always kept it real but has never tried to deter her either, whose very first advice was to simply be better than her. And Angela. We may not have seen it directly, but it is implied that she is encouraging her choice by helping her become a detective, despite seeing what happened with Isabel. And let's not forget Tim here. Who's probably her biggest supporter right now despite his own baggage. Who pushed her to go to UC school when she had reservations. Who told her they were worth the risk, knowing she was very well on her way of becoming an undercover agent. Even Tamara looked thrilled for her when she came back from Sacramento. So if all of these people, with all their bad experiences, keep believing in her and pushing her towards UC, why should she drop it?
But most importantly : she never dismissed these cautionary tales. At no point did she ever tried to imply she was better than them. She is simply trying to learn from them. Which incidentally, was the topic of Nyla's class, the one that Lucy was trying to listen discreetly. Let's take a look at her recent behaviour : according to Noah, she could have done more UC ops. Yet she hasn't. The second she had the chance to talk to Isabel alone, she immediately asked her about her own experience. These are the actions of someone who is being cautious and taking it all in before making a decision.
She even acknowledged that she never experienced long missions which shows she has at least some self-awareness. She understands that she still doesn't fully know what this life would entail. It's one thing to hear it, it's another to live it. She's still at the beginning of her career, where everything is a bit rosy. She just needs to find her own way. I'm not really comfortable with the idea that she needs to be punished for her choice by getting hurt or getting someone seriously hurt. It's too close to the idea that women need to be punished or humbled for being ambitious and that's a big no from me. Besides, she has been hurt in the job before and she's still doing it. She simply needs to experience a longer mission, with its ups and downs, to see if she really likes it, if that can be compatible with what she wants in life. And not just experiencing the part of playing a different character this time. But also the separation, the anxiety, the lies and deception, leaving the people you love behind (from her real life… but also the ones she will get attached to from her UC life). This is after all how she found out her previous jobs/studies were not for her : by trying. The catch is she can only experience this by being a full-time undercover agent.
Which is why she opened the door for a conversation with Tim, by letting herself be vulnerable and sharing her fear with him : that her going undercover on long missions might be too much for him. There was no judgement on her part. She was merely trying to be honest and broaching the topic they've been avoiding so far. Because she knows that her actions will impact him. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready to open up just yet and shut that line of thought immediately. But she looked torn on that last scene... she knows he wasn't being honest with her.
And maybe Lucy is lying to herself... Maybe she only thinks she loves undercover because her missions so far have been "easy", with no consequences when her cover got burned. Maybe she feels obligated to follow through because the department believed in her and she doesn't want to let them down. Maybe she hasn't fully consider how it would impact her as well. Maybe. But if that's the case, it's even more imperative that she can talk about it with Tim. Lucy needs to talk things out to process things. And right now that line of communication is not open. Not completely at least. And while Nyla could be a good optiin, this is still something that she needs to solve with Tim. Especially if they want to build a life together. She needs to hear his feelings, just like he needs to hear hers. I understand that he is in a difficult position : the last thing he wants is to hold her back. But she still deserves to have all the facts. The onus on this does not rest solely on her shoulders.
And this is why I think it was important that they first solidified their relationship before facing their first hurdle. So that they can confront it together. With Lucy following up on the arms dealer we were introduced to in this episode and going back undercover, this is the perfect opportunity.
Nyla takes a big sip of her own glass of wine before she answers, eyes never leaving Angela's as she does. "I like it on you, yeah."
"And...do you want to take it off?" Angela asks as her lips slowly curve into a suggestive grin.
"I do," Nyla whispers against Angela's lips.
OR
A fic set on the same universe as my other Nyla/Angela fic about that night years before when they sleep together after an intense undercover operation (Rated E).
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Angela and Nyla have been unlucky in the dating department. One day, they promise to marry each other in the future if all else fails, but what happens when they realize they don't really want anyone else?
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Lucy whispers it against his chest as he trails his fingers along the curve of her shoulder, her skin warm beneath his hand. Tim shuts his eyes and swallows, the candlelight creating a soft haze he can still feel even from behind closed lids. "What do you mean?"
She adjusts, moving in closer to him. She hitches her thigh over his leg and presses her lips to his chest. He rumbles, soft and slow, appreciatively, then dips his fingers into her hair further, still lazy and dazed with afterglow. "I mean, what if we don't work? Now that we know," she trails her big toe along his calf gently, and he can feel the smile on her lips pressing against his pec, "all of it. What do we do, then?"
Tim exhales in thought, swallowing at the tail end and shrugging his shoulder carefully. He wraps his arm tight around her and pulls her into his side. He doesn't want to think about the idea that this won't work, but she's right: they should probably have at least an idea for what happens if they don't. They should have contingency plans. He feels a buzzing beneath his skin at the idea that she may have learned to do that from him – that he's the thing her instincts are telling her to make contingency plans for. "I would just like to state for the record, if I have anything to say about it: we're going to work."
She hums quietly, smiling, burying her face into his chest for a long few moments. "I know," she rests her chin against his chest and he opens his eyes, looking down at her, taking it all in. She's smiling up at him with her hair mussed and her cheeks warm, candlelight pooling around her in a soft, ebbing glow. One of her hands is splayed over his side, the other arm extended up, her fingers tracing lightly over his neck. "I'm talking...out of our control, it's impossible for us to change things without completely altering the fabric of our lives, lives are on the line kind of thing."
He laughs, low and soft. "Lucy Chen and her hypotheticals," he murmurs, knowing full well this is more than just a hypothetical, but refusing to acknowledge it. They've been playing fast and loose with the rules and regulations of Mid-Wilshire, something that has his stomach twisting in knots day in and day out even though she's worth it in a way he didn't even understand the first time he said it. "Alright," he rumbles, tapping his finger against her forearm gently, once, twice, three times. "Let's say something happens and we can't. I...don't stop caring about you," he raises his brow. "Do you stop caring about me?"
Lucy presses her lips together. "Never," she shakes her head, her teeth digging into her lower lip.
He nods softly, glancing around the darkened room in thought. It occurs to him, absently, that he needs to talk her into getting a sturdier bed. "We wait," he murmurs, after a long few minutes. Lucy looks at him, confused. "We wait for it to work. We try to find a way to make it work, because I'm not," he bites down on the inside of his cheek, looking down at her, meeting her eye. He holds her gaze, raising his brow as he lets out a soft, almost embarrassed laugh. "I'm not giving you up, Lucy. We make it work, because there's...no other way."
He thinks she may deflate a little – because she loves her hypotheticals, because she wants him to think outside the box with her, because they should probably know the answer to this question that's a little less hypothetical than either of them want to believe – and he pulls her all the way on top of him to thwart some of the fall out.
Instead, her face is soft as she gently slides up his body, her chest pressed into his, her hands flat against his neck as she stares down at him. Her voice is so light when she speaks that he thinks he might be imagining it before he sees her lips moving. "There's no other way?"
Tim swallows, shaking his head just once. "There's no other way," he repeats. "It's just me and you, now."
Lucy lets out a strangled sound he wants to hear again and finds his lips with her own, kissing him slowly, making his mind go blank and his arms go numb. When she pulls back, breathing still heavy and heart still pounding, she presses her face into his neck, kissing his skin softly.
She doesn't say it, but he feels it clear as day: tap, tap, tap against his neck with her thumb. He trails his hand along the curve of her waist slowly, deliberately, hoping he isn't imagining it. He taps his index, middle, and ring finger against her skin in a slow, clear succession.
They're not ready to say it, but they both know what it means.
Lucy lifts her head from his neck, pressing her forehead to his. "It's just me and you, now," she breathes against his mouth, and he catches her lips in another kiss before she can come up with something else to say.
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