Mom guilt and real life breastfeeding hurdles

  I want to talk about the guilt of not being able to breastfeed your baby and let other moms know that although breastfeeding is wonderful and amazing on so many levels, giving your baby formula is not the end of the world and we need to stop feeling so guilty over supplementing.

[dawnmoriah]

Our Breastfeeding Journey

This is national breastfeeding month and I want to share my breastfeeding journey. I’ve reached out to multiple breastfeeding support groups to see if they would share my story but unfortunately no such luck. One of them actually told me that, “although we know lots of mothers supplement and is very normal, we can’t share your story because it goes against our mission, we can’t promote the use of baby formula.” This just blows my mind and frankly pisses me off. What an unfortunate message we are sending to moms today. The whole reason I want to share my story is to let moms know that breastfeeding and formula feeding do not need to be exclusive clubs.

I want to talk about the guilt of not being able to breastfeed your baby and let other moms know that although breastfeeding is wonderful and amazing on so many levels, giving your baby formula is not the end of the world and we need to stop feeling so guilty over supplementing. (Spoiler Alert: Baby #1 started as breastfed only, turned into supplementing some, turned into refusal at the breast and continuing to pump and supplementing with formula, and then turned into full-time formula.)  

I also want to share my story with Baby #2 to encourage other moms who have struggled with low milk supply and low storage capacity and let them know you can still have a wonderful breastfeeding relationship with your baby. (Spoiler Alert: Baby #2 started as breastfed only, then breastfed and supplementing with formula, and now we are still breastfeeding and he’s almost 2 years old!)

[dawnmoriah]

Baby #1 Breastfeeding Story

In 2015 I gave birth to my first child, a beautiful baby boy. I had read all the books, took all the classes and knew that I would exclusively breastfeed by baby for the first year. Because that was what you were supposed to do, right? It was going to be so magical and natural. My mother was a strong advocate for breastfeeding and I’ve always leaned towards hippy, natural options in life. It never even crossed my mind that I might have complications with this goal.

I nursed on-demand from the get go and it seemed that “on-demand” in reality was “all-the-time”. My baby was born at 7 lbs. and wasn’t gaining weight as expected. I must need to nurse him more I kept telling myself. I had one of those breastfeeding pillows that snapped on around your waist and I glued that baby to the boob. I’m sure we spent more time attached then we did apart.

He was having trouble gaining back his birth weight and around week four he only gained 2 ounces when he should have averaged between 4 and 7 ounces per week. The doctor said he should be a pound over his birth weight by now. She wanted me to supplement some formula into his diet but I said no, we wanted to try to work it out without formula for the time being. I thought it was just a bad week and we would power through it. I thought this was something I just needed to work harder at. We had introduced the pacifier the previous week and thought that may have been the contributing factor. Maybe he was giving us hunger cues and I was just missing it. We had already been feeding on-demand which ranged from every 1-3 hours. But despite that, we made an effort to really, really, really focus on feeding knowing he hadn't gained his weekly quota. That week he had also began throwing more and more fits during the day. I was reading everything I could about what it could be. I was trying to avoid eating anything that could cause gas or colic. But also making sure I was eating foods known to help increase milk supply. I was drinking water like crazy and started documenting all his feedings, naps, diapers etc. I spoke with the lactation consultant from the hospital over the phone who went over a few things with me but pretty much said you are doing everything right, just keep it up and try to get some rest. One lactation consultant also suggested some herbal supplements that I sent my husband to the store for.

The next week came and his fits were worse, his crying became more like screaming - red faced and tears... and I had to know if we were making progress so I called the clinic to bring him in for a weigh. He'd gained less than 2 oz. in 5 days. Not good. The nurse sent me out the door with some formula and told me to call the doctor tomorrow since she was out of the office for the day.

My mom’s cousin in California, is a very good lactation consultant so we contacted her for some help. She went over our case over the phone but suggested we call a private practice consultant in the area and get some help ASAP. Someone who can come see us at home and get to the bottom of this problem. She suggested I continue to feed on-demand but also start bottle feeding him my supply of frozen breastmilk I'd pumped earlier for going back to work. It was small but he needed the extra milk until he figured out what was wrong. Giving him a chaser bottle after a breastfeed about every 2 hours. He immediately gobbled down the bottle and even napped longer and harder.

With the powers of technology, I was able to video us nursing and sent it via text to mom’s cousin who asked us a few more questions and told us she thinks he suffered from tongue tie. She guessed he had been sustaining on my breastmilk letdown but not getting a full suck when feeding. Without draining my breast at each feeding my supply was going down and he was getting less to drink. Also, with his limited range of motion he was latching poorly, allowing air to get in his tummy at feedings, causing gas and pain. He was hungry and gassy. He was also only getting the foremilk, not the hindmilk where the fatty nutrients are that would help him pack on pounds, or in his case ounces.

We were able to get in pretty fast to see the lactation specialist who spent almost 2 hours with us going over things. She confirmed his tongue tie (Stage 2), was able to work with me on latching, my husband with bottle feeding, answer all our questions and go over a game plan to get both our baby’s weight up and also my supply. Thankfully with our cousin’s help we were already getting him more milk by pumping and bottle feeding. In less than 24 hours he had already gained an ounce.

Mommy multi-tasking at its finest: pumping, bottle-feeding and taking a selfie.

We went back to the lactation consultant for an in-house procedure where they clipped that little membrane under his tongue that was holding back his full range of motion. We could see a visual difference right away. There was also a difference in nursing and as we worked on proper latching and stretching.

This story is getting pretty long so I’ll fast-forward and condense some here. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I wanted to breastfeed my baby more than anything in the world. But after all our hard work, all our struggles, my baby just wanted to be held and fed.  We spent hours going to physical therapy appointments, doing tongue-tie stretches at home, paying for personal lactation consultants, renting an infant scale, documenting weighted feedings, writing down what I ate, trying to eat foods to help my supply, taking herbal/prescriptions supplements to increase my supply. But my son refused the breast more and more and just wanted a bottle. I ended up pumping, turning right around and giving him that milk in a bottle, then chasing the breastmilk bottle with a formula bottle and then doing it all over again. This routine left no time to enjoy our time together. Once he refused to feed at the breast, I focused my energy on pumping and trying to get as much breastmilk I could to him through a bottle. But I could never keep up. I spent so much time stressing over getting him this liquid gold it brought me to tears from exhaustion. I finally broke down on the phone one day with the hospital lactation consultant (maybe around month 5). I wanted to know if I should be spending longer time pumping or doing it more often but shorter session. I just needed answers, I needed someone to tell me how to fix this. She stopped me and said the words I needed to hear. She told me I had done everything I should have. That I had given my baby the gift of breastmilk but that I need to stop and look at the situation. Is all this time and energy I’m spending pumping and worrying about making milk consuming time I should be spending enjoying my baby? She told me I did good. She told me that formula was OK. She told me what I needed to hear. I’ve always been an extremely hard worker and I don’t stop until my goals are achieved. But I’ve always struggle with this crucial question… When to say “all-done” and move on or when to try harder. I made the decision then that spending quality time with my baby during these limited and special days was more important to me then the type of milk he received. My first born is now almost 4 years old. He is as healthy as can be and could not be closer to his momma. That is all I could ask for.

[dawnmoriah]

Baby #2 Breastfeeding Story

In 2017 we were blessed with an amazing addition to our family, another beautiful baby boy. My intent here is talk about our breastfeeding journey but I first have to start with how he made his grand entrance into the world. It’s a good story…

We went to bed early the night of his projected due date. I awoke at 4:30 am with contractions and movements. I spent some time taking a shower, getting dressed and ready to head to the hospital. I heard it said over and over “for a natural childbirth it is important to labor at home as long as possible to reduce the chances of medical interventions.” So, I tried to keep telling myself that.

But these contractions grew stronger and stronger. They were coming every 2 minutes for a strong-intense 30 seconds each. At 5:50 am we left for the hospital. Grandma followed us in her car. Along the way contractions were picking up pace. Once we arrived at the hospital, I had two big contractions. We made it to the elevators and up to level 2 triage to check-in. Before my husband could finish checking us in, I said “water!” and baby #2 decided to make his grand entrance. My water broke and out came his head. He was born in the waiting area. Grandma caught him as he came out. I was standing up and still wearing pants. We got quite a bit if attention as a swarm of nurses assisted. But by then, the hard work was already done.

So, with baby #2 my breastfeeding goals had changed. New Goal: I plan to breastfeed for as little, or as long, as it is mutually beneficial for both me and baby. I told myself… Formula is not the devil. If this doesn’t work out it is not the end of the world and it will not make me any less close to my child.

But I had also learned a lot since baby #1 and had a lot of tools at my disposal. I thought for sure this time would be easier. I had even read about a woman with a similar 1st baby experience who was so proactive with baby #2 that she had an oversupply of milk which brought on a whole other set of issues (baby still wasn’t getting hind milk, only foremilk which caused less weight gain and more colic and gas). Secretly, I wished for that problem. To have so much milk this go around that we had to work on new problems like that. I planned to power pump at the beginning and get my supply up. I was going to keep that baby on the boob for nursing-on-demand. He was going to set the pace for tons more milk this time. I planned to attend breastfeeding support groups to get his weekly weigh-ins so we didn’t get behind in gains. I read up on all my Ina May books and had read cover to cover my copy of Mother Food: A Breastfeeding Diet Guide with Lactogenic Foods and Herbs. And the first few weeks went great. Baby was nursing well and gaining weight but around week 8 his gains became less and less and he started to fuss more and more.

I was suddenly flooded with doubt about our journey and my supply. How could this be? I did everything I was supposed to this time. And although I told myself from the get-go that I wouldn’t be upset if our journey was a short one, I was so disappointed.

I researched and read and got obsessive, like most moms do. I started to read about low storage capacity vs low supply. No matter if I did a weighted feed or I pumped and then bottle fed I could not get more than 3-4 oz total between both sides and that didn’t matter if it was first thing in the morning when your supply I supposed to be higher or late at night when supplies tend to dip. The lactation consultant I was working with said not to worry and it just means as baby gets older and some women are able to drop feedings, I will most likely have to keep up those frequent feeding to keep up the best supply I could.   I wanted to read on success stories on women who worked pass this and again I found myself asking the question, “How do we fix this?” I wanted a concrete answer. I wanted a magic pill or a superfood that would suddenly increase the amount of milk ducts my body had.

But no such luck. I started to supplement with formula which allowed my husband to bottle feed more often which was great for their bonding. But deep down inside I was terrified that he would soon prefer the bottle to me and refuse the breast just like my first son.

But I’m happy to tell you that didn’t happen! I made a point to feed-on-demand as much as I possible could. I kept a tight pumping schedule when I returned to work 9 am, 12 pm, and 3 pm for 30 minutes each (sometimes power pumping, sometimes just letting it run). I was very lucky to have a private office and continue to work while I pumped. At night before I would put my baby to bed, I would feed him a bottle first and this time chase with a boob. He often nursed for food and for comfort and fell asleep in my arms. Around 11 or 12 months in I decided to stop pumping at work. My supply was starting to get really low (maybe an ounce each session combining sides) and although I had the privacy of an office it still was hard working around being chained to my desk. I hated washing all the pump parts, carrying the lunch pail back and forth etc. So, I stopped pumping but continued to nurse baby after work, before bed and first thing in the morning.

There was such a relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders when I stopped pumping. Seeing the very little amount of milk I was producing after all the effort and isolation involved was too much. Especially when my Pinterest feeds were flooded with pictures of Medela bottles full of 6-8 oz of milk with titles like “Power Pumping to up your Supply…Best lactation cookie recipes… top 10 foods to increase your supply”.

My baby, now toddler, is 22 months old and his still loves his momma milk. He pats me on the upper chest and says “momma!”  We nurse a couple times a day, I think it’s mostly for comfort as I can’t image there is much milk, but it’s still working for us. I’m still under the philosophy that we will continue to do this until one or both of us decides to stop.

I want to share my breastfeeding stories in hopes to encourages others. Whether that be to give another mom peace with her decision to stop breastfeeding because it was not or no longer working (no matter the reason) and to let her know it is OK… “You did good Momma” and to stop being so hard on yourself or maybe this story will encourage a mother who thinks it has to be all or nothing. I’m here today to tell you that you can do both. You can have a strong breastfeeding relationship with your child while still supplementing with formula.