simon wasn't comfortable with touch. every time your hand brushed his arms he'd flinch. you didn't notice at first until your hand searched for his in a crowded place. he froze for a second and you realized this wasn't normal for him.
you weren't simons first relationship but sometimes it felt like you were. every touch or every compliment you gave him caused him to freeze. his cheeks would grow hot and he'd look away.
you loved it about him, but sometimes you wished he'd be okay with recieving love.
so you decided to test him.
you sat next to him on the couch, knee brushing his. he let your skin touch for a second before pulling his leg away. you didn't make any move to get closer, letting him get comfortable again.
after a few minutes you shifted, leaning closer to him so your elbow touched his. he pulled away quickly, moving his arm away from you.
again you shifted, leaning your shoulder on his. he didn't have any room to move anymore. instead, he stood up and walked out the living room, leaving you by yourself.
you sighed softly and followed him into the kitchen.
"baby." you said with a soft tone, not wanting him to get even more uncomfortable.
he hummed, not turning around to meet your eyes. his focus was on getting a cup of water.
"i could really go for a hug." you approached him from behind, wrapping your arms around him to see what he'd do.
he pulled away quickly, taking a few steps back.
you looked at him with feigned confusion, trying to see how much he'd pull away.
"why'd you pull away?" you asked him, stepping closer to him.
he took a few steps back. he didn't say anything, keeping his head down.
"simon?" you whispered. you took a step forward. he didn't move away, he just kept his eyes down.
"im sorry." he whispered back.
"for?"
"for pulling back. for moving away. for everything. i just don't like touching. it reminds me of things i dont wanna think about. i know its just you and i know you want to touch me but i just cant. im sorry."
a frown fell on your lips. "oh, si. im sorry for pushing you."
he shook his head, finally looking at you.
"its not your fault. you've had so much patience with me."
"still."
"no. no still. i mean it. one day maybe i'll be okay with it but for now i just...cant.
you nodded understanding.
"i'll wait for as long as it takes. touch isn't the only way to show love." you smiled at him softly.
he let out a relieved sigh. grateful for your understanding and patience. one day he'd be able to love you how you should be loved.
simon had been gone for two months. he'd check in whenever he could but it was rare and your heart started to feel heavy.
it wasnt till he called and told you he was coming home that the heaviness evaporated. you started to get excited, thinking of what to make for dinner and what to get for dessert.
but all the planning when down the drain when simon actually came home.
the whole day you were pacing around the house, imagining what it would be like when he comes home. would you jump in his arms? or would you just stare at him? you didn't know.
you didn't know what time he was coming in either. he had just told you what day he was coming back home.
you were nervous. the thought of having him back in your arms made your heart race. you wanted to hold him and cling to him and never let him go.
the doorbell rang a little after 3 in the afternoon.
your heart stopped. you hadn't even started dinner. you figured he'd be coming later.
you unlocked the door. your heart was pounding in your chest. you swore you could feel him already.
you opened the door and met the eyes you fell in love with. he was standing tall with luggage in his hands.
you stared at him with awe and eventually jumped into his arms. he dropped the bags and wrapped his arms around you tightly, holding you against him.
"hi, beautiful." he said with a raspy voice.
you just hugged him tighter, pressing your face into his neck.
simon walked inside the house and put you on the couch before walking back outside to get his luggage. when he came back you were sitting on the couch with tears in your eyes.
his eyes widened and he rushed towards you. "what is it, love?"
you didn't respond you just threw yourself into his arms again. you cried on his shoulder for a long time. you were so happy to have him back.
simon held you, rubbing your back as you cried. he pulled away to look at your face. his hands cupped your cheeks and he leaned down to kiss your cheeks. he pressed kiss after kiss on your cheeks, comforting you gently.
he rested his head on your shoulder and rubbed your waist softly.
"it's okay, love, im here." he whispered into your skin. his kissed your jaw softly and stayed close to you.
your tears stopped after a while. you just held him tightly against your chest. neither of you said anything, just soaking in the presence of each other.
simon kissed your skin over and over. he missed you just as much, maybe even more. you were the only person who could ever make him feel safe. he could let down his armour and be himself.
"you okay?" he asked softly, cupping your cheeks again.
you nodded and let out a sigh. "im sorry, i just missed you too much."
he let out a chuckle and leaned in to kiss your lips softly. the kiss lingered for a few seconds before he pulled away.
"i missed you too. i almost let out a victory shout when they said we could come home." he smiled and caressed your cheek.
you laughed softly, pulling him closer. "you were that excited to see me?"
he nodded, pecking your lips slowly. "you have no idea."
you smiled, resting your forehead on his. "how long are you here for?"
you had just gotten home from a weekly club you attend. you slid your shoes off at the door and made your way to the kitchen. simon was at the dining table looking through your tax files to make sure everything was right.
he looked up and slid his reading glasses off his nose.
"hi, love." he smiled, opening his arms for a hug. you hugged him tightly, smiling against his shoulder.
"how was club?" he asked, cupping your cheeks.
"its was good." you smiled before pulling away from him and getting some left overs that were in the fridge. as you waited for them to heat up, simon kissed your cheek before leaving the kitchen.
you took the hot container of food and headed to the living room. you sat on the couch and ate your food, scrolling through your phone for a bit. after you finished eating you grabbed your crochet wip and started to work on it.
with no shows or music on you started to get into your head.
the club was alright. you had gone through a period where you didn't socialize with anybody and simon thought you needed a community of people. he mentioned that you should join a club. he didn't force you, he just suggested but you agreed and started going to the club.
the bad thing about the club was that while it was meant for you to socialize and make friends, you felt lonely. more lonely than when you actually had no one to socialize with.
it was a weird thing to think about. how could you feel more lonely now when you had friends? it made no sense. but somehow that was your reality.
there were good weeks where you felt like you belonged, but there were also weeks where you didn't.
one of your friends always left you for another friend and sometimes they'd just ignore you altogether. you started to struggle with feeling like your voice didn't matter. it felt like nobody cared what you said and when you'd spoke about the struggle they'd tell you they loved your voice, but did they really?
did they when you were talking to them about something you were excited about just for them to walk away while you were in the middle of your sentence for someone more worth their time?
you start to chew on your lip, overthinking about what happened tonight.
everyone was in a circle, talking about where they were at in life. all of them having it all together and you? yeah, you have no clue. you had simon and a house, but that was really it. there was no path, no dream, no nothing.
you envied them for having it altogether. you tried to laugh when they laughed but it wasn't very real. it was an empty laugh, one that tried to make your presence known, but you don't think it worked.
there were a select few that genuinely did care. their eyes lit up every time they saw you and it meant a lot. it was nice to know at least some of them cared enough. but sometimes it didn't feel like enough.
they had best friends and they weren't you. if their best friend visited they wouldn't even talk to you. at least, thats what you figured.
that's the whole part of overthinking. assuming one thing about the situation when you have no idea if it's true or not.
you think you're helping yourself but you're just hurting yourself.
before you left the club you approached one of your 'friends'. she gave you a hug and you tried to start a conversation but one of her friends said something which made her attention shift. now she wasn't interested in you so you said a quick goodbye and walked away.
you saw a group of people in your path so you went to talk to them. luckily one of the few people who actually cared was in the group. she completely separated herself from the group to talk to you one on one.
in the moment you didn't realize how much that meant until you sat there long enough to think about it.
she laughed and teased you as if she knew you for a long time even though you had been friends for a couple months.
you felt light for the few minutes you got to talk to her. you bid her a goodbye and drove home.
all the feelings didn't hit till you actually were alone in silence. your crochet hook was still slipping into stitches but it was slower now.
you felt a tickle in your nose before tears began to pool in your eyes. you were about to cry. your chest tightened and a soft sob escaped your lips.
you quickly wiped your tears just in case simon walked in. you didn't want him to see you crying.
you kept crocheting through the tears, it was the only stability you had in the moment. your hook moved with precision as your tears fell down your cheeks.
you sniffled a few times, wiping your tears away and trying not to think about the situation. it was hard to think of something else. you tried thinking about the videos you saw on your phone but it didn't help.
you tried thinking about what you'd make simon for breakfast but that didn't help either.
instead you allowed yourself to cry fully. you had more hurt than anything right now and the only thing you could do was cry. you felt tension release from your shoulders as you sobbed quietly.
you stopped crocheting, hands laying in your lap as you clenched your project. the tears wouldn't stop, they just kept spilling out.
you hadn't noticed simon came into the living room till you felt his arms pull you into his chest. he cradled your head gently, holding your body against his securely.
he rubbed your waist softly, kissing your soaked cheek over and over.
"it's okay, dove, im here." he whispered against your skin. you gripped his shirt, tight enough to press wrinkles into the fabric.
you cried in his arms for a long time. every feeling overwhelmed you. all the loneliness and the feeling of being left out. everything flooded through your brain as you cried all of them out.
you pulled away from simon, still hiccuping.
"am i enough?" you whispered.
simon nodded. "of course you are."
he pulled you into his chest again, kissing your salty tears one by one.
"are you sure? im not too much? you dont get tired of me?"
simon shook his head. "never. i could never get too much of you."
you sniffled, pressing your face into his neck. simon held you for a long time. his lips met your cheek every second and his arms stayed tight around your body.
you finally let out a soft sniffle, pulling away from his neck.
"sorry." you whispered, cleaning your face with your sleeve.
"you have nothing to be sorry about." he whispered back, brushing his fingers through your messy hair.
"sometimes we just need to let it all out. im here when you need to. you're not a burden and you're not too much. you're the love of my life and nothing could ever change that."
you stare at simon for a while, feeling a new wave of tears, but this time they're happy ones.
"you mean that?" you cupped his cheeks, pressing your forehead to his.
"with all of my heart." his kissed your cheek again, smiling against your skin.
okay phew! that was a lot. this fic is like a rant fic for what im going through right now. im not in a club but im in a group and while i do feel welcome ive never felt more lonely in my life. i had a breakdown a couple minutes ago and wanted to put the words in a fic since this is how i can express myself easier.
you were cooking dinner while simon was off who knows where around the house. last you saw him he was taking a shower.
you mixed the veggies in the pan and browned them just how he liked. they were brown but still crunchy and seasoned to perfection.
you took a step back after taking the pan off the heat before feeling hands wrap around your waist.
you squealed softly as you got picked up and set on the counter. simons hands went to your thighs immediately, pushing your legs open and slotting himself right in the middle.
you were in nothing but some pajama shorts and one of his shirts. the shorts were too short but simon loved them so you were them.
you were also sporting an after pregnancy body. you had your son a couple years ago, but your tummy was still loose and your thighs were a lot bigger than they used to be.
you felt insecure some days but then you saw how simon looked at you and realized you looked more beautiful than you thought.
simons hands traced over your thighs, his head pressing itself into the crook of your neck. he took a deep breath, taking your scent in. he let out a soft sound as his hands tightened on your thighs.
one of his hands moved to your back, pulling you closer to him. he held you tightly against him as he ran his hands over your skin.
you could feel tension in his shoulders as you rested your head against him. he seemed to be a little overwhelmed.
suddenly your son ran into the kitchen holding his toy dinosaur.
"daddy, play!" he squealed and tugged on simons sweats.
you smiled at your son till you heard simon groan.
you realized he was overwhelmed by your son. taking care of a two year old was not for the weak.
and now since he's learning new words he loves talking to simon and sometimes it can get a bit much.
you felt simon tug you even closer.
"tell him i dont want to." he whispered against your skin.
you frowned, understanding the need to step away from the toddler for a second.
"buddy, daddy cant play right now. hes talking to me." you said softly, giving a sweet smile to your son.
your son whined, wrapping his arms around simons leg tightly. "but wanna play with dino!"
you shook your head. "no, baby, daddy cant."
your son looked at you with a quivering lip. he let go of simons leg and started to sniffle. you knew better than to fall for his trick but it still tugged at your heart.
"mommy will play with you after dinner, kay? daddy needs to rest, he's tired."
your son looked down and nodded, turning back to head to his room.
simon picked his head up and looked at you. he looked exhausted.
"thank you, sweetheart." he whispered with a raspy voice.
you giggled and cupped his cheeks. "everybody needs a break from the little one. he has quite the energy."
simons hummed, pulling you close. he rested against you for a while before pulling back enough to look at you.
his eyes traced your features before kissing your forehead softly, lingering for a bit longer.
"go rest, si, dinner will be ready in a little bit."
simon hummed before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss on your lips. he pulled away and gently lifted you off the counter.
he pressed one more kiss on your cheek before heading off to the bedroom.
after the last visit you kind of broke the rules and decided to give simon a call. it was unprofessional but you needed to know if he was okay.
he said was fine but you could tell by the exhaustion in his voice that he was putting up a front. you somehow got him to lay everything in front of you. all the weight falling from his shoulders. it felt nice. like he didn't have to go through it alone.
then you started meeting him. after work or on your lunch breaks. sometimes he'd accompany you to lunch and sometimes he'd make lunch for you at his apartment.
you became something he needed in his life. he'd call and text everyday, always needing to hear from you. sometimes he'd walk into the va, not for a visit, but to bring you lunch or see you.
sometimes he'd pick you up from work and drive to the diner downtown. it was an old diner but the food was good and your company was even better.
you made him laugh sometimes. it was kind of weird. he hadn't laughed in so long and seeing you miss your mouth mid bite was funny to him. your cheeks flushed as he laughed and he leaned forward to take your fork, helping the food into your mouth.
something changed that day. it wasn't fast and noticable, it was very subtle. simon began to open himself more to you, letting you read the pages of his heart.
one evening he invited you over for dinner. unfortunately, you didn't get to eat what he was trying to make because he was too excited to see you that he forgot to take the dish out of the oven. he only remembered when he started to smell a nasty burnt smell.
safe to say he was embarrassed and you were the one laughing at him this time.
you had to open all his windows to get the smell out of the apartment. he couldn't even meet your eyes as you ordered some take out.
time passed slowly but each day got better as long as you were in it.
he didn't have to go to the va as much as he used to. his mental health was getting better day by day. every time he had to go in for a check up the doctor would ask if he had met someone or if something good happened to him recently.
he wouldn't tell the doctor exactly but he'd just give a nod.
you invited him to your place one evening. you made his favorite dish and put on some british dramas. the night was good. simon laughed, he smiled, and he felt light.
but then something triggered his ptsd.
you didn't know what it was but he started to tremble. his eyes were unfocused and his breaths were coming out short. you were about to say something to him but his hand met yours first. his fingers gripped onto your hands tightly as he stuffed his face into your neck.
you froze for a second but then you rested your hand on the back of his head, scratching his scalp softly. you guided him through his attack, whispering soft reassuring words against his skin.
he ended up falling asleep in your arms. his masked cheek was pressed against the crook of your neck. his breaths were soft and slow as he shifted to get comfortable. you patted his back softly, holding the big man in your arms.
you promised him, even if he couldn't hear you, that you'd stay by his side. that you'd let him rest on your shoulder every time he needed.
simon riley was a broken man with trauma from his childhood and trauma from his job. life seemed to get worse the second he was forced to retire. his face was blown up from an explosion. wrong place at the wrong time. he felt like life wasn't all that worth it. he'd lived, he'd survived, what more was there for him? he couldn't go out without his mask which scared people away but if he didn't wear his mask they still got scared.
simon hated life. he hated everything about it.
till you came along.
you met simon at the va. he was in for his mental health. his ptsd had started to get out of hand. his hands had tremors and the night terror were worse than usual.
you signed him in, taking his information for him.
simon visited the va a few more times. every time you signed him in he felt this weird sensation in his chest. it was weird, he didn't even know you but the way you looked at him with compassion felt different.
you didn't see his face, you weren't scared of his mask, you just signed him into the system like he was a normal patient.
he wasnt sure why he was making it a big deal. he barely even knew your name.
more visits to the va meant he got to see you. when another desk worker signed him in he'd look over at you. sometimes you'd catch his eye and wave. sometimes you were just too busy to look at him.
it was like that for a while, just casual visits, small conversations as you signed him in.
it wasnt till about a year after he'd been going to the va did you really start to get to know each other. he didn't know why he let his walls down so easily around you but when you asked how he's been doing he would be honest. a night terror or a sharp pain in the knee.
he wouldn't hide it from you. he never hid anything from you.
one evening he walked in, hands trembling, eyes going crazy. you noticed immediately. you ran up to him from behind your desk. you'd never been this close to him, always seperated by your desk.
your hands slipped into his as you tried to calm him down. he flinched at first, not understanding what was going on. but when he heard your voice over his hard breathing he relaxed.
his hands tightened in yours, still trembling but a lot less now. his eyes were focused on you now. you let him to the waiting area and sat with him. you guided his breathing, thumb rubbing soft circles on the back of his hand.
he let you touch him. he never let people touch him. not like this at least. you sat with him for a while, just helping him calm down. you told him a story like he was a small kid who you were putting to bed. but simon didn't care. his listened to each word like they meant something. it helped way more than he thought it would.
his heart calmed down, his eyes were focused, and his hands stopped trembling.
you stood up, hands leaving his. he caught your wrist in one of his hands, eyes going wide with panic.
"where are you going?" he asked with a small voice. he hated how vulnerable he sounded. like a kid who just had a nightmare.
"i'm gonna sign you in. i'll be back in about two minutes, yeah?" your voice was soft. your eyes were soft. everything about you was soft. simon thought he didn't deserve you but he wasn't gonna let you go now that he had you.
simon walks in the house a quarter till four in the morning.
you had waited for him as always but waiting got to be too much. you migrated to your bedroom, still in your day clothes but eyes closed.
your breathing was even, much too soft. simon stared at you softly before heading to the drawers. he picked out your favorite pajamas and set them on the bed.
he gently started to undress you, starting with your pants.
he tugged them off and slid on your sleep shorts. then his hands worked up to your shirt, trying not to wake you. he pulled the shirt up almost the way before you woke up.
your eyes were blurry, confusion on your face before realizing it was just simon.
you lifted your torso off the bed for him to pull the shirt off all the way. he stared at your face for a bit, eyes barely awake.
"go to sleep, lovey." he whispered, hands coming to your waist, warming your skin. "i'll be in bed in a bit."
all you could do was hum as he slipped your pajama shirt on. he helped you under the covers and kissed your forehead before pulling away from you.
he undressed, tugging his work clothes off, leaving him in just his boxers. he slid under the sheets and pulled you close.
his skin was warm against you. you nuzzled closer and fell back into your deep sleep.
simon massaged your scalp softly and shifted a bit more comfortably before letting sleep take over him as well.
simon riley who grunts every time you shift on the bed. its late at night and you cant seem to get comfy. he lets out an annoyed huff and throws an arm over your waist. "stop moving, dove." he mumbles into your shoulder. he pulls you against his chest and gently squishes your tummy with his big hand. it never fails to amaze you how quickly you can fall asleep in his arms.
simon was sitting with his back against the couch. his head was thrown over the backrest, legs spread out, and arms crossed over his tummy. his eyes were closed and his breathing was even.
you were in the kitchen cooking up a pot of soup for dinner. simon had been home for a day and you wanted to make something cozy.
he had gotten in yesterday, eyes sunken in like he was about to pass out. he still had the energy to greet you but as soon as he did he went into the bedroom and passed out.
you washed his dirty clothes and put it up while he snored away. he woke up later into the night, looking for a snack. you promised him you'd make him his favorite soup for dinner.
so thats what you were doing now. you didnt know he was asleep though. so you walked into the living room with a smile on your face, ready to tell him about the new restaurant opening a few blocks away.
you turned the corner, about to start talking when you saw him. his eyes shut and head leaned back. he looked peaceful for once.
you smiled to yourself and walked over to him, sitting down next to him and resting your head on his shoulder. being the soldier he was, he woke up to the feel of you.
"dove?" he grumbled, arms coming to wrap around you.
"hi." you whispered softly and caressed his cheek. "go back to sleep, si."
he just hummed, not wasting another minute. his eyes closed again, his arms relaxing around you. you rested your arm across his waist, caressing his side softly.
you listened as his breathing evened out and he fell back asleep. you stayed on his shoulder, thumb still caressing his side.
you admired his face and his scars. his scars were deep. his face almost disfigured by them but you didn't see them. you saw your love, simon riley.
you didnt see ghost, you didn't need to, you just needed to have your simon in your arms. you needed to hold the broken boy and reassure him it was okay. you needed to promise him you'd be there forever.
and thats what you did. every time he came home you stayed like you promised. no matter how hard it was to wait for him to get back home you stayed because he needed you the most.
simon riley whos hands are always warm. you dont get how they're so warm until you walk by the bedroom and see him rubbing them together. you watch for a few seconds before heading to the kitchen. it doesn't take you by surprise when you feel warm hands slip under your shirt and paw at your tummy. his rough stubble scratches against your cheek as he plants a kiss on your skin.
