emergency

whats bothering you? | rant, dnf

[ddaekkals]

"등교하는 동생들도 화이팅!"

AH KALO DISEMANGATIN TIAP HARI SAMA KAMU AKU JUGA SEMANGAT TRS KALEEEEEE (walopun loyo dikit) huhuhu loveyou manisku please continue to support me💙

[ddaekkals]

I found myself always crying over this sentence i wrote a few months ago

Will i survive this long term of ldr mas?

Kalo aja segampang itu buat yakin kalo km bisa konsisten dengan semua effort yang aku inginkan, aku gaakan goyah. Kalo aja kamu masih sayang aku sepenuhnya. Kalo aja kamu sayang.

I love you whole, i do. I hope you always choose me despite everything.

[ddaekkals]

When you know what love is...... Maybe you'll understand why I'd get mad over the smallest things.

Or maybe you won't know what love is ever like.

Maybe just don't ever love anybody else.

[ddaekkals]

Kesel gak? Kesel. Banget. Jarang2 quality time berdua. Sekalinya call diem2an. Kamu gak cerita kalo gak ditanya. Cewe mana coba mau ribet2 nanya, namanya punya hidup itu ya diupdate. Diceritakan tanpa harus ditanya. KENAPA SIH AKU HARUS MENGHADAPI KAYAK GINI. Sejak kapan sih ngobrol sama kamu jadi se membebankan ini? Jadi se harus cari topik ini?

I never liked seeing you play with your friends. You know that well. You just have that information in the back of your head, which is, not really important for you to remember. Yakin deh. DUH NGENTOT BANGET SIH. BODOAMAT KALO AKU MAIN SAMA KAMU AKU MAU NANGIS SEJADI-JADINYA.

[ddaekkals]

I dont want this to end yet. And i dont know wether im just being too dramatic because we haven't spent time with both of us alone, or is it really hitting me hard.

Aku gatau hatiku yang seberat dunia ato kamu yang seberat itu buat sayang sama aku mas. Maaf kalo aku banyak mintanya, maaf kalo aku banyak kurangnya, maaf kalo aku belom bisa jadi cewe yg pengertian sama kamu, maaf kalo aku belom bisa jadi cewe yang ga pernah bikin kamu pusing.

I'm sorry for everything, that may hurt you or hurt myself.

But i hope you'll find no one better than me... I hope it's just me....

[ddaekkals]

Do you need me a lot like i need you every time?

Do you care about me like i always care about you?

Do you remember each detail of me like i remember yours?

Are you proud like I'm always proud of your everything?

Do you feel guilty every time im mad at you like I'm always begging thousands of sorry to you?

Do you feel loved enough by me, not like me who feels not loved enough?

Do you still love me?

Do you love me despite everything?

Do you, mas?

[ddaekkals]

How do i even supposed to feel everything now?

Aku seneng kamu masih keliatan sayang aku, aku seneng kamu masih ngabarin aku kalo kemana-mana, aku seneng you still tell me good night and i love you everyday. Tapi aku sedih kamu gak begitu keliatan bangga punya diriku, aku sedih how you always seem to prioritize your friends more than me, how you seem to prioritize your friends' feelings more than mine.

Kamu ga suka kalo aku sedih terus, tapi juga kamu terus yang bikin aku sedih kayak gini. How would you react to that?

Aku capek, tapi aku sayang kamu. Aku pengen merasa diperjuangkan selalu, tapi aku ga bisa ngerasain itu. Aku iri sama semua orang, tapi aku berusaha mengubur itu dalem2.

Mas, do you still love me the same, more, or less than before?

[ddaekkals]

Hai mas. I miss you like always.

Udah sebulan lebih kita gak main bareng. I could only cry in my room every single time now.

Keadaan makin berat buat kamu. Ekonomi keluarga km memburuk, motor km skrg ga cuma buat km doang, waktu kamu lebih banyak kesita buat main sama temen krn km ga enakan.

Mas, little did you know, i wished you to understand what i felt every time kamu main sama temen kamu dan ninggalin aku gitu aja. Aku juga pgn kamu tau kalo aku jg mau di "ga enak" in sama kamu. I dont like your friends, and i wished you knew that.

Aku tau kamu ga suka sama aku yang ribet, aku yang banyak mau, aku yang marahan ini. Maybe i did asked for too much from you ya dengan keadaan ini? Even your spare of time? Aku sedih sama fakta bahwa you always looked happier when you're with your friends drpd waktu kamu sama aku. Was i never been your source of happiness all along?

Aduh sumpah kmrn i literally just think about how overreacting i am. Ada seribu satu alasan kenapa aku seharusnya bisa gak banyak ngambek sama kamu. Tp kalo udah mengedepankan diri aku sendiri, mau beralasan apapun you're a bad boyfriend to me. Kamu udah bikin aku sedih, nangis, marah, kecewa berkali-kali, how could i not say you are?

Gatau i need to freshen up a bit.... I still love you whole like always. And i hope you always do, too.

[ddaekkals]

I miss you, always. Even not in the way that i usually do.

[ddaekkals]

kiri chatan hari ini, kanan chatan... 25 Desember, the moment i fell more and more for him.

Agak alay ini adminnya, maaf, tp bnrn kangen banget. Habis dari jogja aku pgnnya emg ngambek soalnya kyk.. dia ga ngerti aku. Tp trs i realized that we are... nothing, so i actually have no reason to want to make him understand how and why was i upset. Tapi sepulang dr kota yang aku pikir bakalan jadi the New York for us like to kiwiggy is, km malah jd distant sama aku mas.

I was afraid, but i try to get rid of that thoughts. Aku gamau apa yang aku pikirin terjadi so i just keep thinking that you still long and love for me. I try to keep our relationship close, aku gamau kehilangan kamu mas, apapun itu km ttp yang.. paling aku mau. Kamu terlanjur bikin aku planning everything and..... i could only pray for you to never get tired of me.

You could see the difference between 25th dec and today.. aku bacain chat kita waktu malam natal itu. Manis banget. Orang baru pada kasmaran. I miss it so much that i almost cried. I miss you, a lot.

[ddaekkals]

ddaekkals lu gila kali ya anjrit emang dimas begitu apa ya orgnya.... Kek suka tb2 being cold aja gt... Goblok bgt sih

[ddaekkals]

Gatau. When did everything got so wrong ya...

Udah dari sept ato okt aku kepikiran dimas berubah. Idk he seemed a bit off. He doesn't look like he's still interested in me. Sampe akhirnya kapan itu aku meledak. Aku ngeluh ke dia. Aku ngeluh kenapa aku gapernah dianter pulang lagi pdhl dlu dia selalu semangat banget nawarin pulang, aku ngeluh kenapa tiap aku protes dia selalu gets so defensive and all. Dia mengerti and he is willing to change himself for the better. Dia minta maaf karena gapernah begitu peka akan apa yg aku mau krn dia beneran gaakan tau unless i told him. Tapi ya sebagai cewe ya, demanding him things feels weird doesn't it. Or is it just me. Krn aku ngerasa kalo aku banyak minta ke dia, dia nantinya jadi mikir aku ini berlebihan, ato aku ini banyak mau, or wtv lah semacam itu. Dan aku gamau dimas mikir begitu ke aku. So i just swallow everything.

It's hard at first. Di awal setelah aku curhat itu, tiap dia beralasan sesuatu krn gabisa several things, aku berusaha ngerti walo deep down pgn ngata2in dia di depan muka. Makin ke sini, denger semua alasannya bikin aku bingung. Kenapa kok kayak ribet banget ya. Kenapa kok dia jadi ky cewe juga ya. What cinta said is true? That all the boys are such manchild? Aku mulai questioning ky gitu. Krn like the fuck you mean you dont want to ask for my availability for call just because you dont want to be rejected OOOHHH little boy i would spare my time for you always bitch dont act like i dont love you that much.

I always had the thought of just bursting my tears out when I met you, when I hugged you close, or when we're just filled with the silence. I wanna cry out of the blue just for you to hug me close and for me to pour it all out in front of you so i wouldn't feel my sadness didn't pass through you. Aku pgn tangisku itu gak cuma aku yg denger. I want you to hear my cracked voice because of your childish behaviour, because of your... Efforts to change aren't actually changing.

Aku sering mikir kayak.. dimas masih mau perjuangin aku nggak sih. Waktu itu telponan sama rafi novi, i asked that to them, do they think dimas still wants me or is he just taking me for granted. Mereka jawab "ya masih lah!!!" I don't know if that encouraged me enough ato engga, ato malah bikin aku makin ga yakin ya. Tapi setelah banyak ketemu, banyak quality time, he's still into me yes it shows actually. Aku cuma bingung why is he being so weird when it comes to communicating. Kayak, is it that hard for him? Should i always be the one who's trying to understand all the conditions? The fuck? Am i fucked up? I still love him tho i just.... I'm just tired of doing this. When will he change... :( i miss my sweet boy from may :(( where did he go :((

[ddaekkals]

I dont want to let you go... ever mas....🥹 Aku ga mau kamu pergi, dan aku ga mau aku pergi. I want us to stay together for as long as possible. Aku mau sama kamu terus, aku mau sayang kamu terus🥹

[ddaekkals]

Tapi emg sebenernya... boleh ya sayang sama kamu sebanyak ini...?

[ddaekkals]

310325 is Eid day! The yesterday's night kita bukber di the park for the first time, and surprisingly very quiet and calm???? Trs enak BANGET makanannya. Abis itu kita ke rumah bu tinuk buat mempersiapkan masakan-masakan buat besoknya, and the tomorrow we had a BLAST👏🫰🫶 Can finally feel the warmth and fun of eid again after a year of not having it together like this.

We didn't have yangti as well this year, and will so on. Tapi semoga kita terus bisa kumpul kayak gini tiap taun, having fun bareng-bareng dengan anggota2 baru nantinya! Tons of loves untuk keluarga Sunaryo❤️♥️

[ddaekkals]

rabu kmrn (160425) tuh gw ga ikut ekskul gara2 mau ngerjain P5. Nah P5 ini sekelompok sm cinta kaka dimas sama wisnu, tp indah ngintilin gw soalnya gw takut awkward. Terus selama cinta msh sibuk foto katalog tuh gw ngobrol bertiga sama dimas dan intan. Terus dimas nanyain kan "yang ini gmnsih makenya" terus gw jawab "ya gini dimaaas" pokoknya gue menjelaskan dgn nada yg agak tidak sabaran gitu, trs dimas kayak "iyaa ririii" TERUS INDAH BLG "hah?!? Apa dimas?!??? sayang???? IYA SAYANG?!?!?" SUMPAH DI SITU GW REFLEK NEMPELENG MUKANYA INDAH, GW BEKEP MUKENYA SAMBIL BLG "ndah udah gak" SEIRHJEJEFH sbnrnya salting CUMA GAK BISA NOT NOW ANJG OF COURSE NOT NOW.

Terus selama kita ngobrol tuh indah acting sok genit ke dimas, gara2 dia prnh dituduh pcrn sm dimas, yg awalnya dia dituduh deket sm vando trs abis itu dituduh pcrn sama dimas jg wkwkwk ya i played along aja, toh indah gatau aku naksir dimas, dan aku tau dimas sayang aku (pede bnr anjg). jd kek yaudah nothing to be hurt of juga. i rather find it funny tho😭 soalnya indah bnrn yg genit bgt anjir sama dimas kek "ihh dimaas kamu kok ngga ikut kerja sihh? kamu maunya ngobrol sama aku terus yaa??" KEK FAAAAWWKK BERANI BGT KYK GITU DI DEPAN ANAK2 KELAS. ya sbnrnya reaksinya anak2 ga jauh2 dr bergidik ngeri sama ngetawain indah SOALNYA DIA TUH BNRN SEJARANG ITU KELIATAN RAME DI KELAS apalagi sama dimas soalnya duduk mrk tuh jauh2an bgt, kalo tb2 indah acting like this kan MEMBAGONGKAN GITU YA.

dimas tuh habis indah blg gitu dia liat ke aku sambil cringing gitu aku cuma ketawa-ketawa kyk telling him to enjoy this shit. trs indah jg blg "eh kamu naksir aku ya dimas???" GUE CUMA KETAWA KAN soalnya hbs itu dijawab dimas "NAJIS" tp pas gw dongakin pala buat liat ke dimas ternyata dia ngeliatin gue terus... Salting banget.. aku cerita ke ninis dia bilang "AH ITUMAH BIAR LU GAK CEMBURU" masuk akal.... kamu sayang banget kyknya sm aku mas

oiya trs kan produk umkm nya tuh ada keychain gitukan, trs mau aku pasang di tas tp lg jauh sm tas, yaudah minta tlg dimas soalnya dia yg deket sama tas aku. Aku minta tolong copotin keychain yg ada di tasku biar produknya lbh keliatan, trs dia dgn senang hati membantu wkwk😙 pas dia kasih gantungannya ke aku, dia KAYAK sengaja bgt gt ngasihnya bukan yang 🫳 tapi 🫴 alias GUE DISURUH NGAMBIL DI TANGAN DIA TRS SJEBUDJEGEJS jd tangan kita bersentuhan trs huhuhu pgn bgtsih mas deket sm aku trs

oiya additional story guys, Kalian harus tau jg kalo rafi kmrn kyk NYEBELIN BGT 😹😹 aku byk interaksi sama dimas dan kaka di blkg kelas, trs sekilas aku liat rafi noleh ke blkg trs ngeliatin aku sm dimas, abis itu dia smirk yg kyk BNRN 😏 GITU ya Allah nyebelin bgt sumpah dia kl udh ngecie-cie in org tuh....

[ddaekkals]

Selasa ini baru bs interaksi byk sama dimas walau msh agak awkward emg pada dasarnya gengsi adalah PENGHALANG KEBAHAGIAAN tp aku ttp sayang km kok mas

[ddaekkals]

Sumpah dah doain gw guys bsk dilep di sekolah pas siang biar gausah ikut p5 ya allaaaaahhh gw gamau ketemu both dimas sama pak ernam YA ALLAAAAAHHH JANGAN DI HARI PERTAMA KBM YA ALLAH JANGAAAAANNNN IZINKAN HAMBA MERASAKAN DILEP DI SEKOLAH SAJA YA ALLAAAAHHHHH