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BOY DO I SURE MISS LIVING ALONE

#TOMORROW COULD NOT COME ANY FUCKING SOONRR #I DONT EVEN FUCKING AHHHHHHHH I DONT EVEN FUCKING MATTER #UNFORTUNATELY YES I’m STILL FUCKING HERE ON EARTH #I JUST WANT TO GET UP AND FUCKING LEAVE RIGHT NOW FUCK

feelin many things thinking many things and I can’t fucking handle it I don’t know what to do anymore

#it feels like no matter what I’ll do it’s gonna fucking hurt #cant sleep it’s already 9:30am so might stay up fuck #edit it’s 5 days later I have been awake for 22 hours and I’m not sleepy yet please fuckin end this hell

deep in the depths of self loathing 😃👍

#self improvement going TERRIBLY

on tonight’s ailment: crippling loneliness with a hint of feeling like I’m not good enough

how is everyone? happy new year to you all :) other than that I’m learning some stuff on piano and trying to get into doing some exercise :)

#we love staying up until 8 wide awake whilst crying on and off all night #the headache forming is really the cherry on top #I feel like I’m grieving something and I don’t know what #are these repressed feelings that I shoved down years ago?#I don’t know all I know is that should I get a hug in this state I will cry #edit 14 hours later : finished my 1.5 hour sob fest now back to feeling numb but having mental space to do whatever I wanted to do #still feel kinda shitty like a bad hangover #I wish my brain would stop going round in circles fuck

Please go to the doctor if you’re able. You’re won’t be “wasting their time” during a pandemic. Your health is just as important as everyone else’s right now. ❤️

Thank you for the reassurance, I am worried that there’s not gonna be any available appointments for some time bc winter but I’m gonna have a look when I wake up! And see what’s the dealio!

#I had to read this a couple times to try and STOMP it into my puny little brain #my health IS important and there’s nothin wrong with that!#I get so anxious thinking about it though but I have to DO IT #getting nervous already and all I’m doing is laying in bed

Guys I literally can’t stop thinking about my health I got so much little shit that I need to see someone about probably but I don’t wanna waste doctors time during pandemic and I don’t wanna leave house in fear of covid cooties and I’m scared of booking an appointment LOL this is not my week :( day 4 of headache also . I wish I could just like WIPE the inside of all my internal organs like DAMN can’t you just be normal for ONCE!!! Always shooting pains somewhere!!! What even is this!!!

#it’s 6am again here #wide awake n worrying #head pounding lower abdomen on left side hurting for god knows why #and mentally I be goin thru the stages of grief or something bc I just found out some SHIT that was so UNLIKELY almost IMPOSSIBLE but it #happened anyway #I feel so stressed #mentally I feel like I’m an old timey person with the Black Plague and I’m super contagious and gross looking #I feel like I’m rotting #like I know it’s not the end of the world but I’m like WHAT IS THE POINT ANYMORE you know????#what quality of life is this fr #like if I was a horse I’d grab the shotgun NAWMSAYIN #and my teeth are JACKED #head to toe I am suffering always #maybe I’ll drop the PayPal to help pay for dental coz dat shit probably gonna wipe out my savings!

Please sleep if you aren't we liv6e you and want you to take care of yourself 💙💙💙

managed to fall asleep luckily but now in same position again a day later 🙃🙃

Been awake for 20 hours on 4 hours sleep and I’m not even tired I hate it here all I wanna do is fix my sleeping pattern fuck! I feel so shitty physically n I just KNOW sleep would SLAP rn n make it better AHHH also day 3 of headache AHHH last couple nights have been absolute HELL trying to get myself to sleep WHY I BE SO ANXIOUS BRO

anyway

Happy thanksgiving to the American peeps also :)

#pic is visual representation of me laying in bed rn #6:16am currently #guys I’m dreading the shorter days I’m gonna go MENTAL #I be tryna exercise tho!#oh and I keep tensing my body without realising n i dont know how to relax #all I know is lay down and think about what I need to do or what I could do #sleeping is such a weird concept wtf how I just pass out like that #it’s rly cold in my room n it hurts when I breathe #I don’t wanna go back to work #sometimes I think about my prime 2016 tumblr years and I’m like damn if only I sold my worn socks or something to these yellow fever peeps #I could’ve been in my bag but das scary #I’m poor now does anyone wanna PayPal me stuff so I can get Xmas presents for my family #actually nvm we in a pandemic #jobs be getting cut left right n center. hope everyone is alright and surviving #if you’re still reading wassup man how’s it going how do I sleep and where can I get some sweet sweet melatonin at #I’m literally wide awake like I could probably do so much shit rn #my heart is pumping like no tomorrow #okay idk what else to type ima go now #it is now 7:11am help

So I’ve actually had a pretty good week n actually felt pretty human and functioning and it was nice! But tonight i snapped and I ended up looking back at stuff from couple years ago and that shit hurted! why don’t you just... not look at it, you ask. Well reader, I tricked myself into thinking I was doing it for curiosities sake to hide my actual hidden agenda from myself as justification! Yeah anyway . Shit fucked me up man but it was a long time ago and I’m going to try get another good productive week going. Happy lockdown peeps

#that’s my secret cap #I’m always in pain #also I actually thought about joining a GYM this week that’s how good my brain has been and I’m pretty pleased tbh #as an notorious gym avoider #it felt really good

Hi guys I’m feeling pretty good I think ? and I’ve only just come to the conclusion that I don’t have to share everything I make to the internet . Like I gave up on all my artsy hobby shit outta fear and judgement but I just need to remember I can just do stuff for myself! It seems so fucking OBVIOUS but for me to actually recognise that I’m a dumbo who lives off the validation of others but doesn’t Need it to ENJOY doing stuff it’s just a lil bit liberating . Like I can just be like man, I wanna do this. And then I can just DO IT and that is such a crazy thought to me which is a little sad tbh?? I really go through life saying “you do you” but I can’t even do ME I literally brace for every comment that could be made about my work and now that I’m typing this I’ve just realised how fucked up education and being graded on has really affected my sense of self worth and it SUCKS!!!!!! I hate it here!!!! But I’m quite happy with the thought that I can be comfortable in my own lil space and not have to worry about societal pressures

I wanna make stuff rn but I figured I’ll sleep first so I’m not waking up super late and feelin SHET

Tbh another thing that has put me off sewing is people telling me or suggesting that I monetize it and set up like a business and it just SCREAMS more work to do!!! OoOoOo sewing stuff time to not sleep again gotta get them garments made!!! Like as cool as it would be, I fuckin hate that idea right now. Just let me be in peace and have it as a hobby. Not everything has to be capitalised and I’m so sick of the notion that if u ain’t hustling ? If you’re not getting that BAG? You’re NOTHING and honestly I just want to chill . I’ve seen myself stressed out to the max with no purpose and tbh I’m just surprised I haven’t offed myself yet. I feel like I have to keep repeating this to myself and to others almost as like self affirmation that what I’m doing is okay but it really feels like it’s not . It feels like I’m in a dead end part of my life but thats also okay bc I don’t want to be stressed and I’m just stepping foot into the real world but the constant bombardments of IF UR NOT SUCCESSFUL RIGHT NOW AT ANY SECOND THEN WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERe replaying in my head takes a toll on ya

#kylie Jenner got it wrong 2020 year of realising #what the shit did I even just type up I’m fuckin word sharting tbh

not me coming out of an episode finally feelin good and productive for 6 hours before slowly feeling shitty again n jus. Just cryin

I just KNOW it’s hormones but damn they really be fucking me up almost every month . All day every day

#I do be crying every night this week!#friend asked me to come up with a title for Her work that I didn’t know was even happening #no hey how are you #verbatim Hello could you help me think of a name for this shoot please #and that was IT #with bombardment of pictures #girl I didn’t even have the mental capacity to get out of bed this weekend I am FRIED #I’m just so fucking tired all the time #OH AND I HATE LOOKIN IN THE MIRROR IDEK WHO SHE IS ANYMORE like DAMN who tf IS THAT #I can just like . feel that extra skin n I feel disgusting #can’t believe I have to live in this vessel #and another thing thank you to those people who messaged me after my last post. I really appreciated it sorry for not replying I’m too #nervous to have a one on one conversation . but thank you 🧡

damn a bitch really goin thru it rn

tfw ur friends only hit u up when they need something . bro I’m literally the side character like do I really need to be here or do you want me there for appearance sake only

#i dont even know man #it just seems so fucking worthless at this point #i really dont have the energy for anything anymore #i do be cryin most nights tho!#i am not happy! 😃#i miss being quarantined smh

WELCOME BACK!

thanks! hello again!

me not feeling my best after trying a different outlet to cope and running back to tumblr just for a crumb of laughter:

#yes i like making memes that are tailored to my own situations #i would vent from am nervous hehe kinda defeats the purpose of this post but whatever #hi peeps its hot in the uk and i am dying on all scales of life #i am sad! because i am dumb! caveman brain said :( for today #she said yes ill have some past thoughts id like to dwell on tonight . excellent #UGH and i really have to be out doin shit in a few days i really just cba to move or do anything tbh

I’ve been pretty anxious this week and lately I’ve just been teetering on the brink of tears occasionally

Like if I just sit there and be alone with my own thoughts I think about my fears and shit and like I don’t know why!!!! It’s always there!!! Back of my mind it’s always there!!!! And the fear I can’t even do anything about !!! It’s just inevitable and I’m so afraid!!!! I hate it here!!!!! I really fucking hate it here!!!!!!!!! And it’s stupid and it feels stupid because nobody says anything about it but it’s so daunting and I just ???????? I don’t know anymore

I’ll go through phases of either like welcoming it or downright scared of it and I don’t know which one is better but idk . Maybe I should pick up more hours at work to distract myself. I felt so exhausted today for the first time in about a year and god I was really running on fumes

I don’t know . I wanted to just post little things or like type something out because I be thinking bout shit over and over and over for the last fuckin idk... decade or so and I feel so frustrated . I’m so tired of everything. I don’t even know what I be typing anymore bc I’m just rambling but uhhh whatever I fucking hate being alone rn

#ironically I’m fuckin exhausted from socialising #so bit of a predicament here #fun update i cant sleep

I miss your face. It’s a nice face. Sorry you’re having a rough time and that shitheads spoil things for you. Giving you a huge HUG!

I saw this very late sorry ! Thank you for the support though 🥺

Thinking about how people out there who I don’t associate with anymore know stuff about me and I hate it! Get away from me! Fuck! I’m so ashamed tbh YUCK

#big regrets #HUGE

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hey Siri play Genesis by Grimes